2017

2015 was so shit that it made 2016 seem uneventful. Losing her, losing my 2 uncles, losing my grandma in the short space of nov/dec 2015 made that 2 month so much more impactful than 2016 was on my life.

Looking back on 2016, I don't see any major thing that I've done in my life that would actually change it in anyway. Maybe its the bore of life, the monotony of it. 2015 made me lose all meaning in life, and right now I'm just trying to look for that again.

And so I've decided, in 2017, screw all those new year resolutions.. There's only one thing that I really need to do and to repeatedly tell myself, treat yourself the best, more than what you've been giving to others.

I'm just sick, and tired of giving someone my all and getting shit in return. All lies. Why did I even bother opening up to you.

Been so long, and it'll go on for even longer

Been so long since I've last blogged. Just felt like saying something, to anyone. Perhaps its reading some random articles of people talking about love, finding the right person, being yourself.

Then I came to the realisation, I'll probably never fall in love ever again. As long as D continues to ignore me, I'll never be able to sort these feelings out.

1 year ago, I fell in love with the girl that I have loved and gave the most, up till this point in time.I gave my all, so much so that it burned out so fast for her, and within 4 months, she felt that there was too much commitment from me that she couldn't handle. She left me here, right there, where my heart was just left behind. I don't even know where that is now.

Every morning, I drive to work, looking at that empty seat beside me. The place that used to be hers (when we go out that is). The random moments that we just went out to grab a bite, catch a movie, sing some k.

The everyday morning greetings that we say to each other.

Its funny. From the first time we met at the beach camping, from that first "morning" you silently said to me when you woke up, we never stopped saying morning to each other every single day till the day you decided it was over. That moment in which I decided you were the one, just a simple "morning".

I don't know how to move on

I tried dating other girls, its just not the same.

The only person that can save me from this is probably you, but you're just not there for me anymore.

Never felt so lonely.

You can have friends, colleagues, family surrounding you, but when that one spot in your heart is void, it just doesn't feel the same.

1 year on, and I'm still here..

Funny

Its funny, how I used to enjoy doing things alone. Travelling alone, eating meals alone, watching movies alone, singing k alone. If given a choice right now, I would probably still enjoy doing all these alone anyway. And I thought it would have stayed that way for a long long time.

But really, it just hits you at the time you least expect it, with a person that you least expect it to be. Heck, I wasn't even expecting meeting anyone that would change my life. But 1 trip became 2, and 1 movie became 2. and 1 person, became 2 (hopefully).

才明白天要我等待一個人到來變成我唯一色彩

Maybe, she's the one, that will change my life? For once, in a very long time, I really really hope she's the one. The last time I had this feeling, well, it didn't really end well. So let's see where this brings me (us).

For once, I really enjoyed having someone to do all these things together. A laughter that's addictive, a smile that brightens up my day.

9pm, 2015, July, 6th.

Woke up from a very deep sleep, and just felt the need to blog.

Yeap, its that kind of feeling again. How do you describe it? Emptiness?

Its the feeling that I get whenever I'm back from travelling. There's nothing here for me. There's nothing at all. Not Singapore, not hong kong, not anywhere. Maybe its the wanderlust working against me. I can only feel a sense of excitement when I'm travelling, and seeing new things.

This monotonous life is killing me, slowly, little by little. Even if I try to hide from the fact that it is, deep down I know its something I can't run away from. Its a void, that's just getting bigger and bigger as the days go by.

Where and when does one exactly find happiness? And how do I define happiness?

Some things felt so close to being happiness but somehow it just feels that I've not done enough to grab hold of it. Too many times, I was afraid of losing something, but I end up losing it anyway because of this fear of losing.

The need to say something, to let it be known. I just can't bring myself to say those words out, even though she's right there in front of me. I couldn't. And before you know it, she's gone.

I always say I don't regret anything, but somehow, this time round, for the first time, I'm regretting it.

I hate losing

As a child, I hated losing. I never liked it. Be it during taekwondo matches, or even the one speed typing competition where i got 2nd place, I never liked it. Losing always gave me a weird anger, of myself. Sometimes I wallow in self pity, but most of the time, I'm just angry at myself for not being able to do better.

Then I started losing, alot. I lost the ability to use my legs as freely as I used to from that accident in sec 2. I couldn't kick as I used to, I couldn't do the things I used to love. I somewhat recovered, but it was never the same. And I stopped tkd cuz of studies, because I didn't want to lose in studies too.

Then I lost what I thought was the most important bond I had back then, and a second one after that. And I never seemed to get back up.

To others, I mostly looked like my normal self, just jokingly smiling away. But like always, I just hide it away. The feelings, my weakness. I didn't want others to see the weak side of me. I seldom do.

Only a few times, I let others in to see that weak side of mine, because I wanted them to understand, because a part of me wants to be heard. But perhaps I've been letting the wrong people see this weak side of mine. Its either they don't care, or they chose to exploit it, and I end up getting hurt even more.

This time round, I thought it was all going to be fine, I could be back to what I love doing. But no, that had to happen. Was it my fault? Partially. I probably didn't need to go all out. But what the heck, what's done been done. Perhaps it wasn't meant to be in the first place, that this wasn't a path for me, and I was just trying too hard to cling onto something I should have let go back when I first injured my legs.

Right now, I'm just lost. zero direction. I need to have an 'F5' button in my life to refresh all these.

October.. You have not been a good month.

Sudden realisation that that was a dream :/ when her name kept appearing in the book that i was reading in my dream. Hmmm

Confusion

I have never been so confused for such a long time. I thought I was very sure about my feelings. Or rather I was very sure that there were no feelings at all. But somehow, somewhere, those feelings that I thought were gone, were just hiding somewhere waiting for it all to come out. I really have no idea what to do with what I'm feeling right now.

Is this even right?

I.. don't really know. On one hand, its something that I've always wanted, and only till recently that I thought maybe it wasn't meant to be. On the other hand, its something that brought me out of monotony in my work life, something that I thought I wouldn't find. Is it wrong to think that I want to keep both at my side? I guess it is.

Of course, I can just tell myself, go for one, and if that fails, there's always a back-up. But what the heck, I'm not like that. I shouldn't be like that. So until I can actually find out how I truly feel, I shouldn't be doing anything about it, even if it felt like the right moment to do anything, it probably won't be, because of everything else that's happening.

It has never been so confusing, but now it is.