My attempt to blog after what happened yest where blogger decided to show me an error and told me it nver saved during the session.
I'm absolutely disgusted. Do you really mean it? Your nick, saying "thank you guys. I'll miss you guys forever." What does forever mean to you? 6 years ago, you told me "always". How different it is from forever, there's no difference to me. The point is, do not easily say this kinda shit to ppl when you can't even try to make it happen. You don't mean anything you say, and you disgust me, to the point that i just wanna say, I hate you the most.
Ok, i shall attempt to talk about adeline then.
The girl that i surveyed the other day. Basically she's a chiobu and all. And i even asked her for her number. Don't get me wrong though, its her home number for the survey. LOL. but anyways, the point of mentioning her is that, man, i would want her to be my gf. She's that chio for any guy to say that, and the point is, she lives near to me. LOL. The only thing that matters though, is that, that's a want, and not a need. Do i need a chio girlfriend? not neccessary. good looks is just an add-on to me. When i don't even think that i need a gf right now, a chio gf is obviously just a want.
The only reason i would wanna get a gf now is to have someone to talk to about my troubles, and for someone to share my happiness (if any) with me. So the thing is, do i need a girlfriend? No. Do i want a girlfriend? Yes. And if can, of cuz a chio one. XP. just kiddin. I can't be bothered with these kinda stuff anyways.
My burden has been lightened by half, due to some unforseen situation that i'm more than happy to accept. Now the question is, would i quit, or would i go on. I'v had enough of this shit.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
falling apart
I can feel myself falling apart again. Nothing really caused it i guess. I was already in pieces, somehow, something held me together, some wierd bond, a feeling that I have to this Earth. But all of a sudden, i just felt tired, and i thought that this bond was useless, this feeling I have, its too tiring to maintain. So, the moment I thought i would let go, i felt myself collapsing, like wanting to give up everything in life and just live on as a wandering soul, a mere memory.
What happened to me? I can't really say. I just don't feel like doing anything, I feel like quitting my job, the way they press me for quota is simply irritating. Can't I do things my way, the way i want, instead of having ppl telling me what to do. Maybe I should just quit after completing this week. I'm just tired. I feel like just taking a break from everything, start doing something i like, say running, writing lyrics, drawing random stuff. All these, cuz I know once uni start, i dun think i'll have much time as i have now. Maybe I should just go overseas to relax myself, or perhaps I really dunno what i want in life.
What am i pursuing? What are my dreams? I want this earth to be a better place for people to live in, ie, free of pollution/war. How to do that? rid earth of things that cause pollution and things that require the need of a war to settle, Ie, humans. shit happens, and people just go to war to settle things, so isn't it better if everyone only have one single common enemy where they'll fight against on a single front, that they'll put aside their conflicts and join together to fight off the enemy. Ok, nvm, i shall not continue with this theory of mine which is pretty hard to understand. To simplify things, the dreams that i'm pursuing are simply hard to fulfil, and requires a big amount of effort, and time, which i'm simply too tired to start on.
And to the girlfriend matter. Before the first one, it was a need to me. After the first one, it was still a need, to me. After the second one, i thought i still need it, but it can wait. But after the third one, it simply, became a want. Not a necissity. It is not something that i desperately need right now to live on. Maybe, having one can help me define a clearer direction in which i want to pursue my dreams. But, having one also leads to problems. Simply put, I don't think i need one now, especially when i'm tired, and feel that i have my own problems to settle first.
I. I dunno what i want. this sucks
What happened to me? I can't really say. I just don't feel like doing anything, I feel like quitting my job, the way they press me for quota is simply irritating. Can't I do things my way, the way i want, instead of having ppl telling me what to do. Maybe I should just quit after completing this week. I'm just tired. I feel like just taking a break from everything, start doing something i like, say running, writing lyrics, drawing random stuff. All these, cuz I know once uni start, i dun think i'll have much time as i have now. Maybe I should just go overseas to relax myself, or perhaps I really dunno what i want in life.
What am i pursuing? What are my dreams? I want this earth to be a better place for people to live in, ie, free of pollution/war. How to do that? rid earth of things that cause pollution and things that require the need of a war to settle, Ie, humans. shit happens, and people just go to war to settle things, so isn't it better if everyone only have one single common enemy where they'll fight against on a single front, that they'll put aside their conflicts and join together to fight off the enemy. Ok, nvm, i shall not continue with this theory of mine which is pretty hard to understand. To simplify things, the dreams that i'm pursuing are simply hard to fulfil, and requires a big amount of effort, and time, which i'm simply too tired to start on.
And to the girlfriend matter. Before the first one, it was a need to me. After the first one, it was still a need, to me. After the second one, i thought i still need it, but it can wait. But after the third one, it simply, became a want. Not a necissity. It is not something that i desperately need right now to live on. Maybe, having one can help me define a clearer direction in which i want to pursue my dreams. But, having one also leads to problems. Simply put, I don't think i need one now, especially when i'm tired, and feel that i have my own problems to settle first.
I. I dunno what i want. this sucks
Saturday, July 04, 2009
absolute boyfriend
absolute boyfriend is a nice show. On the surface, it shows a simple story about a girl wanting a bf and a company decides to give her a robot one. But to me, there's a hidden meaning. You might do everything right for the girl you like, doing everything that she says she likes, doing everything for her, protecting her, wanting to make her happy. All these and that, but at the end of the day, what really matters is if you're really the one she likes. If she doesn't feel for you, there's simply nothing you can do to change that fact. It takes 2 hands to clap.
I've always understood that theory, but also, i've always tried to prove that wrong. I always tried my best, to prove that, as long as you perservere, you can make it. But look at what has happened these past 7 years since i was 14.
First came the first, I tried, I held on, when others would definitely have just given up. A promise to her, was nothing but a few words to keep me by her side when she felt that she needed me there to keep her company. After that feeling fell through, and all that was left was a non-necissity of a boyfriend, she simply forgot the promise. I didn't know that she forgot about it, I held on, for 1.5 whole f-ing years, i held on, knowing that it was slowly slipping it, at least i can feel it, but without knowing that she decided to forget all about the promise. And for that 1.5 years of me holding on, staying true to our promise, staying in love with her, she held on in her own way. The only thing keeping us together was the fact that she still needed a comfort zone when she feels down, just in case she breaks down one day, she knows that there'll be an idiot waiting over there for her.
And so I did, waiting for 1.5 years, waiting for the day that she promised to come, the day that she said we'll be together again. If she didn't say anything by then, I would have continued, be it 1.5 years or even 15 years. If she didn't say anything, I would just go on, loving her and her only.
Come to think of it, I guess I should count myself lucky that she told me after 1.5 years and not 5 years or 10 years. It made me give up, it made me hate her, it actually saved me from falling even further. So for 1.5 years of me waiting for her, there was also 1.5 years of her thinking about how to break the truth to me, that I do not feature in her future plans at all. Not a single bit. I did all a boyfriend would do to try to make her girlfriend happy. And she did what a girl would do to keep the good things to herself when she needs it. And so, she decided that she didn't need it anymore, so she threw it away.
Now, that links back to absolute boyfriend. To her, I was the "absolute boyfriend", the one that will always be there for her when she needs me to be, and that's what I did. But when she got tired of this guy who always have been trying his best to make her happy, she thought that, this is not the type of boyfriend she really wants.
And in the end, who suffers the most? It's me. To her, what she lost was something she didn't need at all. But to me, I've lost something that i've always thought I was born to do, at least for that 3 years that i was in love with her.
Now, that's where the difference between a robot and human comes in. The robot is programmed to love only one, but I as a human, can think for myself, and SO, i decided to love another girl.
As for the 2nd, it was a bit different at first. All i wanted at the beginning was someone to replace the first, to at least keep me happy while i'm recovering from the first sadness. I know that sounds kinda bastard of me, but that was really me at that time, the first one changed me into that kind of guy. And so I did, I told her I liked her, and she told me the same.
So, we went out, doing stuff that a couple would do, as in hang out together. But most of the time, really, it was just texting lovey dovey msges. And so, after 2 weeks into that "replacement" period, I thought, "hey, this girl is great, I do love her." So, I fell in love for a 2nd time in my life, not knowing there was a change going on on the other side.
As I was thinking I love her, there she was, thinking, "I think I liked this guy on impulse, do i really like him?" So, it happened, 2 more weeks of me falling in love with her more and more, and 2 more weeks of her doubting more and more whether she really likes me.
So after one month of being together, the inevitable happened. Ok, note, at that time, i didn't know about her doubting whether she liked me or not, it was until this year that i truly knew that she didn't like me at all, but i'll touch on that later. AND SO, she told me we should just be friends. OK! What can I reply to a msg that reads "can we just be friends". CAN I FREAKIN SAY NO!? OF COURSE NOT!!! The only way out for me was to say "yes" and after that fall onto my bed and cry the whole night. Yet another one, that I loved, but she did not appreciate me at all. Her love for me expired in simply one month. And her reason for the break-up was, she thinks I dun really like her, she thinks I'm stepping on 2 boats. Which is complete crap and I don't think I even need to explain myself. If you really know me and understand me, you should know what kind of a person I am. But due to my love blindness, I carried on loving her for 5 years.
Ok, to the part where i said she didn't like me at all. This was what happened. After 5 years of still loving her (ya, i carried on loving her for 5 years, one sided but ya), I told her about it, and guess her reply? "I thank you for all you've done...blah blah blah...but the truth is, I never really liked you before and what happened 5 years ago was just on impulse." Ok, that wasn't exactly what she said, but it's about there. OK, fine, nvm, so I loved blindly again! WOOHOO! man, i sure like that feeling.
Point to note, by saying all these, i'm not trying to blame them or what. They're not wrong in going their seperate ways, to find their own happiness. I thank them for making me realise where i've gone wrong and I wish them luck in finding their own happiness. My purpose of writing all these is to simply remind myself not to commit these mistakes again (though i've gone on to commit some of these mistakes again, but that's a later story). Also, it is to remind guys in this world that this kind of shit can actually happen and do not be totally blinded when in love. There are always some things you must be alert of, to keep yourself safe from being hurt. Let go when it's time, holding on to it while it's flying higher and higher away from you will just make you drop to the ground even harder when she kicks you off.
Some mistakes i've committed after that:
I liked this girl too much when i was in j1. I easily got sad when i think about her ignoring me. I easily got jealous. I gave too much and got too little (or nothing) in return. I wanted to protect her, i wanted to make her happy, but all these, after a while it seemed too much to her and she started distancing herself from me. Luckily, I let go early. Hurt yes, but not as much.
Another one was some time into NS. Again, I wanted to protect her, i wanted to make her happy. I did everything i could do for her to make her happy and always tried to protect her whenever i could. But when reality set in and I realised that she already likes some other guy, I let go. I could have carried on, but sometimes, its just better to move on.
For the third one, I do not wish to comment much. Everything was right for us, from the start till the end. Ended in a mutual consensus and that's what i liked about it. Let us just keep the sweet memories to ourselves and hopefully you would remember the promise of denying everything that has happened between us, to keep this friendship intact. We simply knew each other too well, to be together. Friends 4eva.
Goodnight to the world, one more lonely night for the nocturnal animal sitting down here typing. (ps. how do you define a being that can't sleep at night but can't really sleep in the morning at all too) ok, insomia!
Reunion 130713.
I've always understood that theory, but also, i've always tried to prove that wrong. I always tried my best, to prove that, as long as you perservere, you can make it. But look at what has happened these past 7 years since i was 14.
First came the first, I tried, I held on, when others would definitely have just given up. A promise to her, was nothing but a few words to keep me by her side when she felt that she needed me there to keep her company. After that feeling fell through, and all that was left was a non-necissity of a boyfriend, she simply forgot the promise. I didn't know that she forgot about it, I held on, for 1.5 whole f-ing years, i held on, knowing that it was slowly slipping it, at least i can feel it, but without knowing that she decided to forget all about the promise. And for that 1.5 years of me holding on, staying true to our promise, staying in love with her, she held on in her own way. The only thing keeping us together was the fact that she still needed a comfort zone when she feels down, just in case she breaks down one day, she knows that there'll be an idiot waiting over there for her.
And so I did, waiting for 1.5 years, waiting for the day that she promised to come, the day that she said we'll be together again. If she didn't say anything by then, I would have continued, be it 1.5 years or even 15 years. If she didn't say anything, I would just go on, loving her and her only.
Come to think of it, I guess I should count myself lucky that she told me after 1.5 years and not 5 years or 10 years. It made me give up, it made me hate her, it actually saved me from falling even further. So for 1.5 years of me waiting for her, there was also 1.5 years of her thinking about how to break the truth to me, that I do not feature in her future plans at all. Not a single bit. I did all a boyfriend would do to try to make her girlfriend happy. And she did what a girl would do to keep the good things to herself when she needs it. And so, she decided that she didn't need it anymore, so she threw it away.
Now, that links back to absolute boyfriend. To her, I was the "absolute boyfriend", the one that will always be there for her when she needs me to be, and that's what I did. But when she got tired of this guy who always have been trying his best to make her happy, she thought that, this is not the type of boyfriend she really wants.
And in the end, who suffers the most? It's me. To her, what she lost was something she didn't need at all. But to me, I've lost something that i've always thought I was born to do, at least for that 3 years that i was in love with her.
Now, that's where the difference between a robot and human comes in. The robot is programmed to love only one, but I as a human, can think for myself, and SO, i decided to love another girl.
As for the 2nd, it was a bit different at first. All i wanted at the beginning was someone to replace the first, to at least keep me happy while i'm recovering from the first sadness. I know that sounds kinda bastard of me, but that was really me at that time, the first one changed me into that kind of guy. And so I did, I told her I liked her, and she told me the same.
So, we went out, doing stuff that a couple would do, as in hang out together. But most of the time, really, it was just texting lovey dovey msges. And so, after 2 weeks into that "replacement" period, I thought, "hey, this girl is great, I do love her." So, I fell in love for a 2nd time in my life, not knowing there was a change going on on the other side.
As I was thinking I love her, there she was, thinking, "I think I liked this guy on impulse, do i really like him?" So, it happened, 2 more weeks of me falling in love with her more and more, and 2 more weeks of her doubting more and more whether she really likes me.
So after one month of being together, the inevitable happened. Ok, note, at that time, i didn't know about her doubting whether she liked me or not, it was until this year that i truly knew that she didn't like me at all, but i'll touch on that later. AND SO, she told me we should just be friends. OK! What can I reply to a msg that reads "can we just be friends". CAN I FREAKIN SAY NO!? OF COURSE NOT!!! The only way out for me was to say "yes" and after that fall onto my bed and cry the whole night. Yet another one, that I loved, but she did not appreciate me at all. Her love for me expired in simply one month. And her reason for the break-up was, she thinks I dun really like her, she thinks I'm stepping on 2 boats. Which is complete crap and I don't think I even need to explain myself. If you really know me and understand me, you should know what kind of a person I am. But due to my love blindness, I carried on loving her for 5 years.
Ok, to the part where i said she didn't like me at all. This was what happened. After 5 years of still loving her (ya, i carried on loving her for 5 years, one sided but ya), I told her about it, and guess her reply? "I thank you for all you've done...blah blah blah...but the truth is, I never really liked you before and what happened 5 years ago was just on impulse." Ok, that wasn't exactly what she said, but it's about there. OK, fine, nvm, so I loved blindly again! WOOHOO! man, i sure like that feeling.
Point to note, by saying all these, i'm not trying to blame them or what. They're not wrong in going their seperate ways, to find their own happiness. I thank them for making me realise where i've gone wrong and I wish them luck in finding their own happiness. My purpose of writing all these is to simply remind myself not to commit these mistakes again (though i've gone on to commit some of these mistakes again, but that's a later story). Also, it is to remind guys in this world that this kind of shit can actually happen and do not be totally blinded when in love. There are always some things you must be alert of, to keep yourself safe from being hurt. Let go when it's time, holding on to it while it's flying higher and higher away from you will just make you drop to the ground even harder when she kicks you off.
Some mistakes i've committed after that:
I liked this girl too much when i was in j1. I easily got sad when i think about her ignoring me. I easily got jealous. I gave too much and got too little (or nothing) in return. I wanted to protect her, i wanted to make her happy, but all these, after a while it seemed too much to her and she started distancing herself from me. Luckily, I let go early. Hurt yes, but not as much.
Another one was some time into NS. Again, I wanted to protect her, i wanted to make her happy. I did everything i could do for her to make her happy and always tried to protect her whenever i could. But when reality set in and I realised that she already likes some other guy, I let go. I could have carried on, but sometimes, its just better to move on.
For the third one, I do not wish to comment much. Everything was right for us, from the start till the end. Ended in a mutual consensus and that's what i liked about it. Let us just keep the sweet memories to ourselves and hopefully you would remember the promise of denying everything that has happened between us, to keep this friendship intact. We simply knew each other too well, to be together. Friends 4eva.
Goodnight to the world, one more lonely night for the nocturnal animal sitting down here typing. (ps. how do you define a being that can't sleep at night but can't really sleep in the morning at all too) ok, insomia!
Reunion 130713.
Monday, June 29, 2009
This blog is dying. So are many things in the world. For one, my psp is dying too, the wireless is nowhere to be found, the charging light will go on as long as its plugged in, even when its charged fully.
Somethings don't die at all. For one, my love for final fantasy 7. No matter how many ppl think its outdated, its old, to me, its the game that taught me how to appreciate the stories in games. And I only play games with a story to tell. Even winning eleven, there's a story in it, the story of the team, etc. Monster hunter, surely, there's a story in it, the life of a hunter. Most games have stories, and those without are simply not good enough to be called games. Do i call pac-man a game? No. Handphone games are not games, they're simply a way to waste your battery until u can safely charge again.
Everyone will die, one day, and they'll go on, into the lifestream. Yeah, i know, that's ff7, but there's some truth in it. We, ourselves, are a form of energy, and when we die, we get buried, or burned, but the energy returns to the earth, and the energy in turn turns into other forms of energy that is constantly recycled in a natural way. That is until, we, the humans, step in to extract this energy from earth itself, burning wood, using fuel, etc. Converting them into energy that is otherwise considered wasted energy in the sense that the output of these energy is normally useless and doesn't find itself in the earth anymore. That is, almost the same as the basic concept of lifestream. Change the energy to mako, and there u go, we are all part of Shin-Ra.
As i've said, everyone will die, and just a few days back, MJ died. Sadness, yeah. A legend, passed on. It's a pity he didn't get to perform his remaining concerts though. But he'll forever remain in our hearts as a singer, full of talent, as a dancer, no one can ever surpass. He's the best, in his era, and our admiration of his talent will go on for years to come. Rest in peace.
Anyways, back to the ff7 thing. After reading final fantasy 7 ultimania, and part of the story of before crisis, i realised there was a person as strong as sephiroth in the ff7 universe. That is, elfe, the first leader of Avalanche. So in my opinion, the strength ranking for ff7 is 1st Sephiroth, 2nd Elfe, 3rd Cloud, 4th Vincent, 5th Weiss, 6th Zack, 7th Genesis. After 3rd is a kind of a gut feeling. Not too sure about the rest. But i'm sure that cloud is certainly behind sephiroth, considering that he's the only one who defeated sephiroth twice, even though sephiroth was just slacking off and as said in the ultimania, didn't even sweat when he was fighting cloud in advent children. Sephiroth is GOD. Simply because, throughout the whole ff7, he controlled JENOVA based on his own will power, even when JENOVA is a calamity from outer space that all Cetras feared of. And since sephiroth couldn't win elfe (neither cold she) before niblheim incident, i suppose she's stronger than cloud.
Reunion 130713.
Somethings don't die at all. For one, my love for final fantasy 7. No matter how many ppl think its outdated, its old, to me, its the game that taught me how to appreciate the stories in games. And I only play games with a story to tell. Even winning eleven, there's a story in it, the story of the team, etc. Monster hunter, surely, there's a story in it, the life of a hunter. Most games have stories, and those without are simply not good enough to be called games. Do i call pac-man a game? No. Handphone games are not games, they're simply a way to waste your battery until u can safely charge again.
Everyone will die, one day, and they'll go on, into the lifestream. Yeah, i know, that's ff7, but there's some truth in it. We, ourselves, are a form of energy, and when we die, we get buried, or burned, but the energy returns to the earth, and the energy in turn turns into other forms of energy that is constantly recycled in a natural way. That is until, we, the humans, step in to extract this energy from earth itself, burning wood, using fuel, etc. Converting them into energy that is otherwise considered wasted energy in the sense that the output of these energy is normally useless and doesn't find itself in the earth anymore. That is, almost the same as the basic concept of lifestream. Change the energy to mako, and there u go, we are all part of Shin-Ra.
As i've said, everyone will die, and just a few days back, MJ died. Sadness, yeah. A legend, passed on. It's a pity he didn't get to perform his remaining concerts though. But he'll forever remain in our hearts as a singer, full of talent, as a dancer, no one can ever surpass. He's the best, in his era, and our admiration of his talent will go on for years to come. Rest in peace.
Anyways, back to the ff7 thing. After reading final fantasy 7 ultimania, and part of the story of before crisis, i realised there was a person as strong as sephiroth in the ff7 universe. That is, elfe, the first leader of Avalanche. So in my opinion, the strength ranking for ff7 is 1st Sephiroth, 2nd Elfe, 3rd Cloud, 4th Vincent, 5th Weiss, 6th Zack, 7th Genesis. After 3rd is a kind of a gut feeling. Not too sure about the rest. But i'm sure that cloud is certainly behind sephiroth, considering that he's the only one who defeated sephiroth twice, even though sephiroth was just slacking off and as said in the ultimania, didn't even sweat when he was fighting cloud in advent children. Sephiroth is GOD. Simply because, throughout the whole ff7, he controlled JENOVA based on his own will power, even when JENOVA is a calamity from outer space that all Cetras feared of. And since sephiroth couldn't win elfe (neither cold she) before niblheim incident, i suppose she's stronger than cloud.
Reunion 130713.
Friday, June 12, 2009
goals for fun
Well, today enjoyed myself at street soccer. Basically, scored goals for fun. Scored like 5-6 goals in like erm, 3 games? haha. got one goal, gh say i made the goal look easy. LOL. Just recovered from foot injury, also dunno why so pro today. Maybe tyco, we shall see. Can be because of winning eleven also, learn from it then can improve. LOL.
and pc show was disappointing. One hp lappy booth, only sell one hp laptop, that is dv4. i was like wth. I mean seriously, no other hp lappies? Somemore, there's no special rates at pc show. Use ocbc credit card only, note, i said ONLY, for first 100 customers will get a 2gb usb thumbdrive. I was like, serious? o wow!!! my psp memory stick is 4gb, u think i give a shit about 2gb usb. So, i've decided to buy my hp dv4 at the shop instead. Shop, no crowd, pc show, CROWD!!!
man, i'm tired.
and pc show was disappointing. One hp lappy booth, only sell one hp laptop, that is dv4. i was like wth. I mean seriously, no other hp lappies? Somemore, there's no special rates at pc show. Use ocbc credit card only, note, i said ONLY, for first 100 customers will get a 2gb usb thumbdrive. I was like, serious? o wow!!! my psp memory stick is 4gb, u think i give a shit about 2gb usb. So, i've decided to buy my hp dv4 at the shop instead. Shop, no crowd, pc show, CROWD!!!
man, i'm tired.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
wth
i wanted to say something, but when i started to type, the words just didn't come. nvm. i'm still trying to get to slp, but obviously, i'm easily affected by stuff that ppl say. linking this to that, stuffs like this just make you think, make you sad.
Nocturnal to Normal
Ok, am i the only one who's still nocturnal after sundown marathon? Well, kinda fun to do the marathon, got a nice finisher tee too. But the pain and all, hmmm, can't say its worth it, but it was a good experience. Will i run stand chart? It depends heavily on whether i'm gonna participate in AHM this year. If i do, i might just go for stand chart. Still kinda unhappy that i didn't get the tee in 2007 just because some guy didn't sign me up. LOL.
Hmmm, ok, so my ankle has recovered, still some minor pains in my hamstring and calves muscle, should be able to recover by tml. BUT! I've not recovered from my nocturnal shit yet. Hard to. My previous experiences of turning from nocturnal back to normal was like 2 days? And obviously watchin youtube videos and blogging doesn't help much, coupled with the fact that its rather hot nowadays.
And i saw this farny youtube video!!! HAHA
o wells, enjoy.
Hmmm, ok, so my ankle has recovered, still some minor pains in my hamstring and calves muscle, should be able to recover by tml. BUT! I've not recovered from my nocturnal shit yet. Hard to. My previous experiences of turning from nocturnal back to normal was like 2 days? And obviously watchin youtube videos and blogging doesn't help much, coupled with the fact that its rather hot nowadays.
And i saw this farny youtube video!!! HAHA
o wells, enjoy.
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