reason

Time to wake up. I can't sleep forever, can't stay oblivious to the truth anymore. Its there for me to see. For too long, i've been trying to avoid it, too long, i've been trying to tell myself its nothing, its really nothing, everything will be fine. No luck can save me now, not from this harsh reality that I have to face. Wake up, yuan ing.

Its at times like this, when u realise how much you've been lying to yourself, self-deceit. Trying to believe only things that ppl say, and choosing not to believe whatever that is obvious.

Still, i'll move on. I'll stay the way as i've always been. Never give up until the end, cuz you'll never walk alone.

Something has stayed true from the start till the end, that is, no matter how much i can love her, as long as i dun say anything, it will never matter to her. But it doesn't matter anymore now. No more.

I've been trying to sleep whole afternoon, well, at least I managed to sleep, but ended waking up to the harsh reality that I did not want to face. But I know, I have to face it, I have to accept everything, for this is reality, and the only way to move on, is to accept it.

O wells, heard this song on radio again, called "boyfriend" by 5566, kinda reminds me of those days when I loved to sing. Ok, i still love to sing, but not that much anymore.

O wells, i shall just concentrate on my studies and not think about anything else yea. No matter how much tears flow, nothing's gonna change.

ZZZ

ok, the day started off, ok? Ended pretty badly. zzz

morning went to tutorial, computing tutorial, understood everything on the spot! XD my leeching abilities have improved yet again. =D

Then waited for geraldine, zhiwei and jansen for the noc talk. While waiting, i went to e5, sat there, took out com, did some programming. LOL. Then was feeling sick, supposed to meet huimin, shiyun and weiling for them to pass me my present. But really feeling unwell, so just stayed at e5. haha, then huimin came to pass me the present lo. Thx, haha, and thx for the offer of treating me lunch! but no appetite. =X bad sorethroat. argh.

ok lo, then went to lt7a wait for mr set. then geraldine came, so went up to try to mug a bit. but ended up reading liar game. HAHA. o wells. shall touch on liar game later. haha. then jansen came, mug a bit more then went to biz side for the noc talk le lo. maybe cuz feeling a bit feverish, so while walking, kept sweating. zzz. and ya, the noc talk was interesting, got to know stuff that got me thinking. And this time, i guess i'm pretty sure i'll choose SV ba. Cool place with lotsa nice companies around the place, yahoo, google, microsoft. Hope it'll help me out somehow in my future biz. Then the senior was saying how fun it was over there. =D. work, play, study. And most importantly, he bought his own 2nd hand car over there, and drove around for that one year he was overseas! WOOTS! so cool~ =D. An even better thing is that i've once heard from a fren that the speed limit over there in US is 80mph, note, that's the minimum speed limit on the highway over there! any slower, u'll get fined! WOOTSSSSSSSSSSSS~ ok la, but i'll not drive that fast anymore. haha, if not geraldine will pull handbrake if she takes my car again! hahaha.

Then on our way home, took 95 with geraldine and jansen lo. haha. jansen and i kept talking about liverpool and army, then geraldine like so left out. =P. haha, sorry siah. lols. Go appreciate soccer! hahaha. ok lo, so after that i took mrt from clementi back to home lo. Tot can just go home, bathe, rest awhile and study le. BUT! the worst is yet to come! reached the void deck, omg, both lifts under maintenance!? ok, nvm, climbed 10 levels up. PARENTS NOT AT HOME! NO ONE AT HOME! nvm, got my beloved mp3 player to accompany me. NO! LOW BATT! super duper unlucky laaa! then waited for almost an hour until my parents came back. And guess wad, while waiting, i actually saw ppl taking the lift. -.-

ok, haha. so got this fren ask me, how come i seem closer to my nus frens? o wells, if u really wanna noe, i can only say cuz its probably cuz of what happened at the chalet? wells, my army frens were so helpful hor, none of them really helped out at all, except for maybe like paul, pengguan and ryan who helped out a bit. The rest, just. Nvm, used to their eye power. But, thing is, i tot some of my frens were going to stay? Say stuff like let's play this and that whole night. Woah, and guess wad, end up, all nvr stayed, and even worse, some nvr even came. Only till like 7++ did they msg and say they not coming? wah, thanks manz. i loved it. I'm not being petty or wad, just that, some things are acceptable, some things are not. Last min then say not coming is just simply not acceptable. If say, one hour before, i can accept. Meeting time was 7, tell me at 7+ that they're not coming? thanks! really, thanks. appreciate it. -.- And that's y i chose to be closer to my nus frens, ppl who stayed back a bit more to keep us company. Thanks yichao for staying the whole night, zhiwei for keeping to his promise of staying. And of cuz, geraldine for staying longer even though she had a curfew. Jansen for staying also. It might also be becuz of the "bonding" session on the car, as described by geraldine. Even though got lost and all, it was a pretty fun experience. Thank you! =D

And so, on to liar game, nice stuff going on. the game is really cool, the rules are very detailed, like deathnote. The main character oso very smart, like a combi of both L and Kira. There was one thing that the main char said that left a really deep impression. It went something like, "by saying that u trust someone is actually a form of self-deceit. Only when you doubt ppl, can u really come to understand a person." I'm not saying that I don't trust ppl, but when u say u trust someone, do you really mean it? Or are you coming to a quick conclusion, a lie that u tell urself to make urself feel better. When u trust ppl, you are actually trying to make urself believe in whatever you see, and not to try to understand what's really going on, in fear that the truth will cause you pain.

O wells, that's all, i guess. Time to study. =D

Stupid lover?

yi, yi, u're a dumb f***, u're a dumb tw*t. So dumb when it comes to love. Wishing only for the happiness of others? how far can this kinda feeling bring you? To what extent? Endless giving, without taking anything back? Satisfied with whatever small, puny, tiny, little kind of feeling you get from seeing her happy? You're just dumb. Not making your feelings known, what do you wish to achieve? What do you really want. You're just dumb, so dumb, that i can't take it anymore. Yi, u're dumb. Stupid lover, one-way traffic. Just plain, stupid.

Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid

haiz. Maybe i just need some time alone, some time to think, some time to sort my thoughts out. I'm more than clear of my feelings, i know what i feel towards her. Its just that, I'm just dumb when it comes to loving someone. Happiness as long as someone is happy?? Dumb, plain dumb.

Yes, i've emo-ed.

had fun!

had fun tonight! Or rather last night! haha, hope everyone else had fun too. =D. though wasn't really a good host, being late and all. =D.

Late then got a bit emo liao, haha, but was a fun ride from sch to downtown east. Bonding session, as described by Requiem. Maybe i drove a little too fast? haha, dunno, dun care. =D. Surprisingly, I found the ride more fun than the party itself. The party itself, was so hectic, late, rain, no carpark, ppl calling, ppl msging, ppl not coming. =( o wells, at the end of the day, must say i really appreciate those who made an effort to come down. Thanks guys. Seeing ppl whom i've not seen for a long time, ppl who i've not seen since ORD. Really really enjoyed it. =D.

Haha, at first thought requiem wouldn't enjoy herself lol. Cuz only gal, but well, she managed to mixed in well, i guess. Haha. Then ya, a small world, ppl knowing ppl. I like this kinda stuff, gatherings to bring ppl together, get together, just to have fun, and think about nothing else. Not about studies, just play, all the way.

Ya, so let's see when we free again then come out play asshole daidee. XD. Thank you Requiem and Jansen for staying later, =D. Really appreciate it. Else would be too sian with just me, zhiwei and yichao. haha. Especially Requiem, got curfew still stay until so late. =D thanks thanks! haha.

Well, lets describe the day then. haha, roller coaster ride.

First thing in the morning, woke up, started packing things le. Lotsa things to bring to the chalet, this and that. hahah. my wives, namely ps3, screen and ff7acc. Though my ff7acc casing got cracked. =( hahaha. Then went to buy stuff like ketchup, chilli, plates and drinks. tot get home still got some time to rest, but in the end, by the time i got home, my dad reached home le. SO started loading the things up the car. Phew, up down up down, sweat so much. Finally got it done. =D. SO moved off to school. Woots, reached lt7a, hmmm, decided to go mpsh first cuz i see like going to rain. Then when i was about to go, saw kenneth and his fren. Then waited for their fren, then drove them all to mpsh1. By the time we got there, it was raining heavily alr. hahaha. Then tried to study abit lo. haha.

Then test! ok la, dun wanna talk about studies. haha. So after test, met up with set, requiem and jansen then made our way down together lo. haha. On the way, haha. listen to songs, and jansen keep singing at the back of the car. XD. Then requiem hor, haha, want eat choc just eat everything la. wun get fat de. =D. hahaha. Then we were like on TPE around 6.40, then the song "livin on a prayer" started playing on my cd player, then zhiwei was saying "we're halfway there". haha, so funny. And by the time we got to downtown east, the cd looped back to the same song alr. -_-. hahaha.

So reached le lo, then started carrying stuff over, getting the food into the chalet, preparing the stuff, trying my best to keep everyone entertained. hmmm, so tired..shall continue tml. HAHA. nights!

natural

Well, i guess its all natural, I don't like to see ppl cry, especially those that have helped me out in life before. Even knowing that they've cried, or wanna cry is enough to make me sad for them. Wells, just cheer up! I'll be there, cuz You'll Never Walk Alone. liverpool~ haha.

haiya, dunno, my experiences have changed me alot. I used to think, I was the saddest guy in the whole wide world, but there're actually alot more ppl who have worse experiences than me. Sadness, Anger, all these leading up to worries. Its only natural for human beings to be afraid of the future. We are just animals that are able to think at a higher level, but its because of this thinking at a higher level that made humans such emo ppl. Emo over this and that, but at the end of the day, what matters, is all ur own perspective of looking at things.

I've certainly changed, in the past, I could talk about all the stuff about wanting to make the girl happy, and believing that i'm the only one who can do that. Well, now I know i have always been wrong, anyone can do it, to make the girl happy. At the end of the day, its her choice, not mine, not his, not anyone's but only hers. She just needs to be happy herself, that's all that is enough for me to move on with life, knowing that someone I like is happy. O wells, haha, who knows, i might be lucky enough to be the one, but lady luck's not always on my side.

!MOOD CONVERTER! anti-emo phase.

ok, haha. On a positive note, the last paper's gonna be over in 17 plus hours! (see, how perspective can make things look better. =D) Then after that, just PARTY!!! looking forward to it, hope everyone can have fun and i can have my own fun as well. We deserve it, especially the NUS ppl! haha.

@Geraldine: Cheer up! haha, tml will be a better day! =)

@Liverpool: We'll win chelsea!!!

@Myself: Time to sleep. hahaha

The best song to all emo ppl, You'll Never Walk Alone. YNWA. =D

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark

Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone

2 more

You're the only girl that's pretty in my eyes.

3 down, 2 more to go. O wells, i didn't really practiced much for eg, but glad that it turned out to be just testing on concepts. haha. up next, physics, shall study tml. =D

O wells, took cab home today, too tired. haha. Surprised that the total cost for 4 ppl was actually 14? that's like, erm about the same as taking mrt followed by bus siah. And I found a phone. haha, then shiyi kapo, after the girl call back then arranged for meeting with shiyi, he go see the photos in the phone. -_-. intrusion of privacy. haha, but the taxi uncle, damn crap. talk cock thruout the whole journey.

Hmmm, o wells. Geraldine was saying too much choc will make ppl get sick of it. I guess, that's y i got sick of it in the first place? It's just not the same taste it was anymore. I guess, I had too much, so when the supply stopped, somehow, i just got sick of it.

alrights, time to slp and wake up early in the morning to study study study!!!

whee~

feels good when you know you're on the right track to getting good grades for a mod, ie, computing. But what troubles me is the other mods. ARGH! nvm, shall study more. hahaha.

I've always wondered whether its stupid for me to think that's its alright to like someone, but not having the kind of thinking that she must be with me. Cuz, i've always thought that, as long as she's happy, it doesn't matter who she ends up with. So long she knows that she's happy. O wells, i guess i'm stupid when it comes to love. haha.