Tired

Woah, damn tired after a long day, didn't sleep much, dun ask me why, I know why, some people probably know why, but the rest probably have no freaking idea. Well, whatever. Tried cleaning up the house abit b4 ppl came, then went to buy the food for the bbq at 2pm. Quite fun shopping for food, reminds me of those days when I used to buy groceries just to cook, for someone, that is. Bah, I miss my cooking, not you.

Then went back to my place to try to marinate, then te di went to pick tessa up and she dared to say my driving sucks. THANKS AH BRUDDER....then went back everyone was playing pes 2011 liao. lol, end up bbq started at 6pm.

The watermelon was nice, the chocolate fudge was nice too, so was the tang yuan! haha. The turn up was rather good too. Though more ppl were expected to come but, yeah, whatever.

I'm officially tired now, but for some reason, I can't fall asleep, and its not about the results, I was never one to worry about results so tml means another holiday to me. Trapped in this constant thinking of the words of miyamoto musashi. Yeah, miyamoto musashi, the greatest japanese warrior of all time.

Read up alot about him, and woah, master of all trades man, from swordsmanship to painting to writing, there seems like nothing he does not know. I mean, woah, is it possible for humans? If it is, then I would like to try. To concentrate on whatever I am doing, to put in a 100%. And to observe everything at its largest scale, to look at everything, to be detailed, yet general. To relax, yet to concentrate.

These late nights, I hate them.

Thought of a song

While bathing. But after I came out, it seemed that the bath washed all the lyrics and tune away, so i'm sitting down here with all night long to think about that song. I thought it sounded nice when i was singing it while bathing. Maybe I should get back into the bathroom to try to recall the tune. lol.

nah, after 1 hour...can't think of anything to pen down. suckssssssss. shall find other things to do..

Tested

My patience, that is.

Seriously, this world, its testing my patience. This anger that I've tried so hard to curb. But no, it has to happen every single time. I'm losing my patience with the people around me. Don't make me do so much to tell me something else and with you doing something else in the end. WTf? Who the hell do you think I am.

Fk this world, pissing me off. Really.

As if i'm the only one who's free enough to do all these things, FOR YOU ALL!?

I don't feel like doing anything anymore. Can I just fk it and say NO!? I don't want to do anything for anyone who do not know how to appreciate. Not feeling appreciated, at all.

I'm really trying to keep the anger in, but, the limits are really being tested.

And no, if u think i'm angry with you, its probably not you. If i ever tell you that i will never be angry with you, i mean it, for life. BUT, there are some ppl who just like to take advantage of my "nvm, its alright" attitude. FFS, i feel like a hypocrite, being nice to ppl and yet feeling angry inside. But really, i'm forced to be angry. Sometimes, I just feel like, I shouldn't even be nice to ppl, at all.

And I had to feel like crying at a time like this. Fuck me. How much I need someone to talk it over with and all you could say was "haha" or "lol". Tell me why, that the only person I feel like talking to is you, yet, you can't even understand? Can I tell you that its you? Can I?

A big WHY. like seriously. WHY!? why do I hate this world so much yet I yearn for the love of humans. WHY!?

Just an update

Of my life.

Nothing much, still the same old me, running hard, away from my problems, trying to grasp the future. Just that lately, I somehow couldn't pick up my pace in running. Everytime I start running, I just feel like puking. Wonder why. Fitness level drop? Body refusing to do work?

No idea.

As for the things that I've said I wanted to do before the holidays, well. Halfway there? Learn guitar: haven't even started. Learn dance: couldn't find the time to. Run at least 30km non-stop at the end of the sem break: HAHA, no chance. Learn spanish: trying hard! Talk to her more: at least more than during exam period, bah. I'm really trying very hard ok! I also want things to turn out fine between us. I want her to know how I feel. I'm trying very hard to show it, but i'm just hoping it wun scare her away. =/

Well, really asking myself what I want in life. What I have achieved so far.

1) Being really good at something: Well, I would say for a period of time, I've been really good in CO? Doing something I like so much, feeling the anxiety before a performance, having a sense of achievement when the applause rains down on you after it. JC made me hate CO though, when it became a means of getting into a JC. Made me see how teachers-in-charge really dun care and just want you to perform. Life's not as naive as I thought it was anymore.

2) To fall in love: That I did, but in the end, I still fell from love. Following my heart for 22 years, letting the heart do the talking when the mind thinks otherwise. In a way, I've come to know my heart really well. When it comes to really liking someone, I realise how I tend to fall short at communication. I realised, I tend to shy away from my words for fear that I might say something wrong. But really, I really do care about her, and I really do like her alot and would love to give her the best. Love, something so elusive, yet something we need so much. Follow my heart, I will, to that hearty smile of yours.

3)To enjoy life: Really, I suppose I do enjoy my life? At least I enjoy at least 3 out of my 5 mods every sem. At least during sem break, I let myself lose and breathe in every single happiness that life has to offer. I do, enjoy life. But its just the something that's missing? Someone to enjoy it with. Omg, please, just tell me, how to make you fall in love with me, or...have you already done so?

Had lotsa dreams of me dying and regretting the things that I have NOT done while I was alive. I want to live a life without regrets, but its really hard, isn't it.

On a side-note, running out of mangas to read, nothing new, nothing nice, though To-LOVE-Ru Darkness looks like a good series to start on, but was instantly reminded of how the first series got turned into a fan-service manga halfway thru. Or perhaps it had the intention of being one since the start. Nya, i'm bored!

Ouch

Something hurts, and I don't even know what it is.

Shall start off with some stuff that has been popping up on my health lately. Random pains in the leg, well, the pains actually came back after the marathon. So i'm actually thinking twice about going for sundown, but knowing me, I would probably sign up for it in the end. My recovery run today was a complete disappointment. 2km, yeah, but I felt like vomitting all the way. Something's wrong, very wrong, and I dunno wad's wrong with me.

Our past, its something that makes us grow into what we are. But once it has achieved its purpose, we should let it go. Letting our past go. Not like i'm the best at dealing with the pain of losing loved ones, but, whatever, what matters is what we think, and what we have loved. The time spent together, is not something that can be forgotten, but something that we shld bury if we are to move on.

In the end I still managed to talk to her, felt normal, maybe I was just thinking too much. Maybe she wanted to talk to me as much as I had wanted to talk to her? =/

Suddenly wanted to watch alot of movies again, especially 3 idiots and a walk to remember. Dunno why, these 2 movies were the ones that resonated really well with me during the exam period, and i just feel like watching them over again in a relaxed mood. Shall find time to do that.

Don't feel like working tml, somemore gotta collect laptop and stuff. So mafan...

Finisher of 44.195km

2km more than the usual marathon, thanks to lousy bag collection planning by organisers. But still, I think this'll be my last standchart, unless adidas comes along and organise again. Get an adidas standchart finisher then i can say goodbye to standchart for life. Only wanna run sundown from now on, prefer the night. I hate the SUN!!!

but one word i saw on amoy street kept me running, well, at least for 21km. Name of a shop, that resonated with something on my back. Something i refused to show kayden. Hahahaha. But..."you" kept me running. (: though you dun really know who you are to me, but, thank you!!! (:

Think about those you love, it'll keep you running. ruNNing is Love! ((:

不要来烦我!

I don't know what am I to you now, but to me, you were once everything. SO, stop diminishing your worth in my eyes!! Cuz I'm just starting to find you so irritating that its getting pretty much impossible just to stay on as friends with you. Get what I mean? Then learn those two words that suit you so well. Starts with F, ends with F. Requiesta in pace in my heart, you shall. You no longer have a place.

First day after exams, thought all the stress were finally gone. Last paper wasn't easy at all, and it turned out to be the one that i'm least confident in. Watched harry potter, IN CINEMA!! never once watched it in cinema before so i was thinking of not wanting to break the record. But, yeah, so-so. What a bloody cliff-hanger. Then queued up for starbucks free coffee at cathay. haha. Java chip, no whip cream please! nb, one big fat topping of whip cream on my java chip.... Then got my limited ed AC: Brotherhood! YEAH! went home straightaway started on it le. But really, its not something kids should play. All the wrong values being taught. haha. Trying to rebuild rome, no money, and what do you do? You steal from the people you're trying to help. hahaha.

THEN. YOU. YOU FREAKING HAD TO IRRITATE ME!? so damn fking pissed. One more time, and i dun think i'll hesitate blocking you. Seriously.

Can't this world just let me have a peace of mind? Let me enjoy the things I want to do. Let me have time to do the things I want to do. Let me have a peace of mind when I'm going about doing these things, instead of having to worry about this and that.

Stand Chart this Sunday. No matter what, I guess, I just have to keep on running. Whether there's motivation or not.. I'm just, still, too scared to tell you anything. =/