ah,

its back to sch again. Feeling good about this sem. Maybe it has something to do with deciding to join back tkd. Makes me having something to look forward to every wed and sat. Makes my life that bit much exciting too. Its like when I kick that target I feel a sense of satisfaction. But yeah, pretty much thanks to having a friend who's already in tkd, if not I probably wouldn't have joined without having someone I know whose already inside. So thank you. :)

Or maybe the feel-good feeling comes from the fact that all the mods I'm taking this sem seems so much more interesting with cool lecturers and TAs. 3702, fun lecturer, fun module, tutorial play games, can't really ask for anything better for this mod. hr2002, funny tutor, really helps that he brings his life experience to the class rather than just going on and on about notes. qf2101, another funny lecturer, though I don't go for the actual lecture, I'm actually enjoying his lessons on webcasts. As for 2401 and 3001, pretty much disappointing. Especially 2401, boring lecturer, talking about stuff that we already know. 3001, 3 hour lecture, you don't really expect me to stay awake thru the 3 hours, do you? :) But its just an 18 mc semester, maybe it'll just make my life that much better.

Hmmm, signed up for OCIP again this sem. 2 interviews, probably flunked them given how I don't like to talk to strangers. Would be very surprised if I even got into one. Even if I got into one, I would probably think twice about going overseas. Given that I'm already going to SEP next sem, another 3 weeks of not spending the holidays with my family might affect me emotionally during SEP. So well, if I get in, I might just request to do the local part and help with the programmes only ba. But see how lo. hahaha

Now, to the emo part. I think it was just yesterday night? I just sat down there, looked out of the window, stared at the sky for almost 5 minutes, thinking, who are the people I used to talk to online at night. Where are they now? Its just gone, I don't even know why. When you really need someone to talk to, there's no one anymore. The whole feeling of losing something that was part of your life. People take things away from me, but there's nothing I can do about it, to just let ppl take it away from me. People come, people go, but what if they go at a rate faster than they come? Very soon, i'll be left with no friends. ): Hai.... I guess the splitting of groups really did alot of dmg to friendships eh? Invisible friends.

Shit la, so emotional now. =/ Stay happy k, yuaning?

Holidays!

Been somewhat busy over the past few weeks that somehow I've lost touch with life. But with the end of oweek 2011, I found myself left with 1 week of holidays and I'm just busy planning how to make full use of the time I've found for myself.

Feels good, to know that its a weekday, but you do not have to go to work. Totally spent the whole of yesterday slacking at home. Wanted to go for a run, SHOULD have went for a run, but since I'm gonna play bball today, shall forgive myself a tiny little bit.

On another note, yeah, there were things to be pissed off about during oweek, but nvm, its all over, and shall not say too much about the bad stuff, when there were plenty of good stuff to be happy about.

Well, initially, my og was a bunch of not-that-enthu og when I first saw them. And it was that way for the first 2 days. But perhaps, because of the smaller OG size and more interactive activities over the next few days, they started to bond, just a little bit more. But its great to see that they're being active on the facebook group, though that doesn't mean much if they can't do that in person.

But well, whatever! its HOLIDAYS!

hmmm

Was contemplating whether I should even blog this post considering that its already so late. But with the pattern of sleeping late these few days, I guess its not gonna change much if I sleep late tonight either.

Haven't been training recently, so doubt I would be able to make it for standchart. Totally disappointed in myself, for not having the discipline to go out there for my runs. Not mature enough to tell myself, "hey, its alright to emo, but you still need to sleep by 11 if you wish to run the next day." But no, I didn't. I continued to play games past 1am, when I get back to my room, I'm probably going to take out a book and read.

I just have no freaking idea what's wrong with me these days. So easy to get angsty. Many times, I just wished I had pointed the finger at the credit card promoter. I know, you're just doing your job, but its not the first time already. If i'm not interested then I'm not interested. Do I look like i'm rich to you? How many times must I use the "my favourite song" trick before you can just get the hell out of my way.

And anyway, really, I'm beginning to dread going for work. Although its really just 1 and a half weeks left, but everyday at work, the hours seem to get longer and the time seems to pass even slower. I thought I had already done my part with the GUI and stuff, and I've been helping out alot with the Wallaby logistics. But why the hell do I even have more stuff coming in for me to do? If only the NTU IA student came, I wouldn't haven been having such troubles. I would happily enjoy my last 2 weeks of work at STK instead of trying to get 4 days off for these 2 weeks. I really need the break, not from work, but from STK.

I realised, I'm the kind of guy who only does work that I'm really interested in. I was freaking excited about designing the GUI, so that was why I had so much fun in the first 2 months trying to design a proper one. But once that was finished, it all died down. The flame in me, I couldn't feel it anymore. The new stuff to do, integrating the laser detection or even the adding of the camera to the GUI, seriously, I have no interest in all these whatsoever. First of all, the laser detection, having to wire it up myself, having to read through a manual, and HAVING TO TRY TO GET IT TO WORK WHEN I CAN'T EVEN INSTALL A PROPER SOFTWARE FOR IT! Ya, but really, I don't like doing the laser. Neither do I like doing the camera thing. If I really put my heart into it, I could probably finish up the camera thing within 1 day. But really, no. I can't stand it anymore. I had fun doing the data log sorting program cuz of how it reminded me of cs1101c where u read in a text file and only copy lines that don't have alphabets. That, I enjoyed. But that, I did way too fast. Started on it at around 2pm, published the app at 2.30pm. Too fast? Probably, but that's my efficiency when it comes to things I like to do. Even for the GUI, if I really had to, I could have done it within 3 days. If you ask me whether I enjoyed my internship, when it comes to working, probably not. I'm just an intern, but I'm expected to do the stuff that a perm stuff is supposed to do? There's no one to supervise my work, no one there to help me out when I don't understand certain stuff when it comes to programming. What the heck, and I was pretty happy when I finished up the GUI on my own. But then, my supervisor had to pile up even more work on me!? I really can't stand it anymore. Really. I'm just so glad that this will all be over soon, in like 2 weeks. I don't mind going back to STK to work in the future, as a perm staff, but never as an intern again.

I never

Let go.

As much as I've told myself to let go of the past, I guess, I never really did. It came back haunting. The moment I saw you, I knew, I never let go of what I should have 7 years back.

I don't know why, when I saw you, the anger I had in my heart for the past 7 years just disappears like that. I've always been unhappy about how things ended for us. How you broke our promise. How you treated me as if I'm nothing. But the moment I saw you, I just thought, those broken promises, those empty vows, holding on to them brings nothing, and these are nothing compared to the happiness I had with you. Short it may be, but I've never forgotten about the love we had for each other in that short 2 years of the 4 years of sec sch life. 2 years out of 4 years, that's a lot you know? Considering how our relationship dragged out for the entire 4 years of our sec sch life, my memories of those days were mostly made up of you. So, the love, the hatred, all these just stayed in me. The sight of you brings out the love, the thought of you brings out the hatred.

I never let go, I never did.

So why, why did I not dare to even say hi to you. Is it the fact that there was someone next to you? Is it the fact that that someone looks like he's probably your bf? I have no idea what I'm thinking really. When you told me back then that because of what you did to me 7 years back, you dared not get into a relationship again, I really wished that you didn't do this yourself and sincerely hoped that you could find yourself someone who would treat you good. Then why is it that now, when I'm looking at you together with someone, something dark just builds up inside me. This sadness, how do I explain it? I probably can't, but really, I just don't feel that good about it. Perhaps its regrets that I could have been the one. Perhaps, its wishful thinking on my part that after 7 years, I might still have the chance to love a person that I had once thought would be the love of my life.

Guess what, if we really continued back then, I would still say the same things to you, I would never let go of you, and I'll always be there for you, always. Just because I've said it to you, it means that I will never break it. But why, why did you have to trample on my promise 7 years ago. You just had to break the promise we had, you just had to make me let go. I didn't let go because I loved you no more, I simply let go, cause I still had love for you. But knowing that it hurt you, I had to take it all away. It was hard, but the only way I could do it was by hating you.

And this, really is the reason why my love-hate towards you never ended for the past 7 years. You were all that I had.

Ay, why am I emo-ing now. The fact that that day is coming again? probably. A day that I'll never forget.

Anyway, happy birthday to you in advance. I hope July is still with you by your side, in place of me.

Been long since I updated

So just a little update about life.

Nothing much, like i've already mentioned previously, went for internship. Made some new friends at work, in particular those 3 ia students cuz we basically slacked our day away together at work. Its good that we actually could find time to slack, if not I would have finished most of the work assigned to me within the first 3 weeks instead of dragging it to 7 weeks. Sounds like i'm too slack eh? But I guess that's how it should be for interns? I'm just paid 700 bucks per month, what's the use of doing so much. Furthermore, most of the stuff I had to do them on my own since my supervisor was pretty much busy with his own stuff and just allocated work for me in a rather random fashion.

Then came the bomb of ICT. Well, not like it was all of a sudden. Planned 6 months ago with the SAF-100 and guess what. One week just passed by. Nothing much actually, just really really, alot of training under the hot sun. Apart from thursday which went by without doing anything other than sleeping in bunk, the rest of the days were training all over again. Feels like the NSF days, except this time I'm not with my platoon mates. Got jumbled up, like last year, with the alpha coy peeps. Pretty fun ppl I would say, but well, dunno any of them so nothing to say to them really. Got myself a pretty nice tan from all those training though. A pretty white singlet to sum it off. At least I wun have ugly tan-lines when i wear singlets. LOL.

Can't wait for this ICT to be over though, really need my life back. But with that said, life after that is gonna be internship again. O well, new stuff to learn when i go back to ST. Something to do with lasers. Sounds cool eh, it sure does. O well.

I feel like shouting

I always do. To go somewhere, quiet, just me alone, and maybe, with you (though that's probably not gonna happen ever). I just wanna shout to the world, hear the echoes, and realise how lonely I am in this world. Or rather, ay, nvm.

Maybe its the tiredness getting to me, or the fact that the weekend ended once again with me practically doing nothing. Drinking after engin camp, basically burnt my sat away cuz of a bad headache after that. I needed that anyway, to drink and feel happy, even if its just me being high becuz of the alcohol, but whatever, at least I felt open when I was drinking. No locks, no whatsoever.

I tried opening up, you know. I talked to you, you don't even bother. Stop giving me lame excuses, you do know how lame you sound when you come up with these. I really dun want to give a shit about you anymore. Its not the first time already, and you probably know it. Why can't we just be honest to each other. What you want, what I want. We should settle it once and for all, get it over and done with. Just tell me how much you hate me while I'll tell you how much I actually loved you but would be willing to let go if you would just say no. Its gotten to the point that I'm tired of all these. Its not me not trying, its you not willing to accept. You've probably been making use of me all these time, telling me stuff when you really needed it, and that i'm probably the only nice and dumb guy in the world to say yes to your requests. You only talk to me when you need me, but when I needed someone to talk to, you'll never be there, ever.

Strangely though, all these kinda seem to be a cycle. A cycle of me being taken advantage of by people and once I'm useless to them, they just kick me aside. Nah, you don't need to say anything, I understand. What I mean to you, probably is just a useless existence. There is no use for me anymore, cuz I don't live in the East, cuz I don't have time to do stuff with you, cuz I'm just not the kind to show my feelings so easily. I don't know anymore, I just know that I'm tired.

But I still love the way you smile. ):

我不配

I did a lot, I tried...a lot. So much so that, I've come to realise, what I've been doing, and no matter what I can do, it'll never be enough for you. Simply put, its becuz of what you see up there as the title. 我不配.

Or rather, the both of us 不配? There's always that something missing when I tried to click. We seem to be only able to talk when you're in a good mood? Only when you want to talk, that you will really talk to me?

Other than that, whenever I needed someone to talk to, I tot, hey, maybe I could talk to you since you had talked to me about your problems before. But no, you were just, another person on my msn contact list that wouldn't bother to listen to me when I talk to you. You're either busy watching your dramas/blog hopping, that you can't even bother to take a little bit of your time out to listen to what I've got to say.

And to think that back then, when you had problems, when you needed my help, I would just take my time out to help you, even when it was the exam period and I really should have been studying. But yeah, I guess that's just me. It didn't need to be you, if it was anyone else, I would have probably did the same if whatever it is is within my powers. And I guess that's why I failed to make you feel that you're a special someone to me since I treat everyone the same, and in particular, I treat a certain friend better than I do to you. But am I really to blame, when its you who made me feel that you didn't really need me, you had plenty of choices, I'm just another one who was willing to listen.

Then comes the age-old saying of mine, "stop being a nice guy". If anyone has bothered to read my posts consistently, they would realise that this is something I always say.

Am I not nice enough to you? Perhaps you never felt the way I felt. Or that you simply never tried to understand who I was, and to you, I was just someone who would be there if you needed me, but someone whom you'll never come to rescue when I fall into this bottomless pit called, "in love with you".