I'm starting to feel it. The pain of being here, and not there. Starting to wonder, whether it would have been different if I had not told her anything. Or whether it would have been different if I was more active during last sem. Or whether if I had not accepted this SEP, how would things be like now?
I always think that I don't regret the things I do. Yes, I don't regret the things I did, but I regret for the things that I could have done. In this aspect, I guess I still have not grown out of it.
I'm really scared, of the future. I don't know how things would be like when I get back to Singapore. As the days go by, I just find myself chasing your shadows. I've lost track of where you are. Its almost as if you're no longer in my life. Apart from the occasional tweet, there's really nothing else. If this is what you meant by keeping in contact, I guess we're doing it wrong.
I knew hanging on would be this tough. Yet I chose this path. If only you knew how much this means to me, perhaps you wouldn't have said those words to me. I guess I just didn't show you enough. But that doesn't mean I'm going to give up. Its just 4 months left. Somehow, I'll make it through. Somehow, I'll not let my tears bring me down. Somehow, I'll cry for the fact that I was not able to make you feel how much you mean to me, but I'll hang on. If only you could read my mind. I don't need to know or understand how you feel, cuz I know that if only you knew how I felt, you would definitely have said yes to me.
I just hope that there is still time for me to make you change your mind. So please, don't give up on me.
Even this slight glimmer of hope I'm holding on to, seems to be dispersing as the days go by. Finland is cold, but I feel that you're colder than that towards me.
I'm just afraid, that things wouldn't be the same anymore. But I'm more afraid of you leaving my life.
I miss you, I miss going out with you, I miss your smile, I miss listening to your stories, I miss listening to your life, I miss being part of your life. I miss everything that is you. And I guess, I've missed my chance. =/
Will you say yes when I get back? Will my clinging on prove to be what it takes to win your heart?
I only hope the answer is yes.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
First Night
First night in Tampere, in the hostel, and I'm already missing you. ):
I just can't wait for SEP to end and fly back to you, so that I can tell you how much you really mean to me. If the reason for us not getting together was because of SEP, then i'll make it right for us. So please, really, just wait for me to come back.
I just can't wait for SEP to end and fly back to you, so that I can tell you how much you really mean to me. If the reason for us not getting together was because of SEP, then i'll make it right for us. So please, really, just wait for me to come back.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
its never easy
I never said it would be easy. I never said I was 100% confident. But whatever that's up there, wouldn't even let it fall in that little bit of area that I call chance. Its like tossing a coin, but you already know its going to land on tails.
I'm not going to give up though. I'm past that. I'm willing to wait. I'm willing to do my best to let you see the good side of me, so that from friends, we can become more than friends. So that one day, you'll tell me, "yes". And that's the word I want to hear from you the next time I ask you the same question again. Never give up, that's my new motto.
After what happened tonight, or rather in the evening, I went for a run at night, around 10pm, past the usual timing I run, but nonetheless, it helped a lot. I suddenly remembered why I loved running, not because of how it is able to keep me fit (though that will forever hold true), it lets me forget about things, it lets me forget about the shackles on my life, and remember that life is still full of freedom. As long as we take the chance, nothing is impossible, as long as you don't give up before you reach the finishing point. Many a times, in my life, I've given up before I've reached the finishing line, but its because of this process of giving up, I've learnt so much from it, and I find myself being able to run longer distances, do different things, doing things the way I want them to, having the courage to tell her how I felt for her. So many things, as a person, I've grown. I used to like this song called "It ends tonight". I still like it a lot, especially just now, when it kept me running for the full 10km while putting it on loop. But it holds a whole new different meaning to me now. It used to be a song where after I hear it, I'll go, "yeah, that's it, it ends tonight". But now, its different. The feeling I get is, yes, it ends tonight, but tomorrow is a whole new chapter of life for me to write on, and it depends on how I would write the chapter. I'll keep writing, I'll never give up.
I've never felt this comfortable with a person before. I've had moments where I thought some people are special in my life, but none of them could reach this level of feelings I have for you right now. It won't change, I hope it never will, but I hope your feelings will, that you would one day no longer see me as just a friend, but as someone special in your life too. You're special to me, that's how I feel, and I'll never give up, weiling. (: But just like you said, we'll see how it goes.
I'm not going to give up though. I'm past that. I'm willing to wait. I'm willing to do my best to let you see the good side of me, so that from friends, we can become more than friends. So that one day, you'll tell me, "yes". And that's the word I want to hear from you the next time I ask you the same question again. Never give up, that's my new motto.
After what happened tonight, or rather in the evening, I went for a run at night, around 10pm, past the usual timing I run, but nonetheless, it helped a lot. I suddenly remembered why I loved running, not because of how it is able to keep me fit (though that will forever hold true), it lets me forget about things, it lets me forget about the shackles on my life, and remember that life is still full of freedom. As long as we take the chance, nothing is impossible, as long as you don't give up before you reach the finishing point. Many a times, in my life, I've given up before I've reached the finishing line, but its because of this process of giving up, I've learnt so much from it, and I find myself being able to run longer distances, do different things, doing things the way I want them to, having the courage to tell her how I felt for her. So many things, as a person, I've grown. I used to like this song called "It ends tonight". I still like it a lot, especially just now, when it kept me running for the full 10km while putting it on loop. But it holds a whole new different meaning to me now. It used to be a song where after I hear it, I'll go, "yeah, that's it, it ends tonight". But now, its different. The feeling I get is, yes, it ends tonight, but tomorrow is a whole new chapter of life for me to write on, and it depends on how I would write the chapter. I'll keep writing, I'll never give up.
I've never felt this comfortable with a person before. I've had moments where I thought some people are special in my life, but none of them could reach this level of feelings I have for you right now. It won't change, I hope it never will, but I hope your feelings will, that you would one day no longer see me as just a friend, but as someone special in your life too. You're special to me, that's how I feel, and I'll never give up, weiling. (: But just like you said, we'll see how it goes.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Found a reason not to go
Hmmm, very long never update my blog liao. Lotsa stuff happened in this short 2 months. Mostly stuff that I guess I should be happy about.
Found a smile, that I wish I could hold on forever, but more on that later.
Well, first up, got my results back. Hmmm, best sem out of the 5 sems thus far. Wouldn't have noticed it if weiling didn't point out to me that if i consider this sem's cap only, i actually hit above 4. but yeah, as a result of that, overall CAP improved. But as another sem goes by like that, you can't help but realise how much better it could have been if I just put in that little bit more effort in studies. Instead of playing for the whole sem, and leaving tutorials/pyp towards the last 2 weeks before exams to complete, I could have done all these consistently and gotten myself a better set of results than what there is now on the transcript. Same applies for the past 4 sems. But well, life goes on, instead of regretting what I could have done, why not look forward to what I should be doing. But wait, then again, my CAP has reached such saturation that now I'm just aiming for 3.5, so yeah, if I do the same as I did for this sem, I'll probably hit it the sem after I come back from sep. Suddenly, going on exchange to freeze my CAP doesn't seem that good an idea anymore.
Oh right, back to the smile. I don't know. I thought seeing her one last time before I leave sg will help me make up my mind as to whether I should tell her before I leave, or after I come back. But seems that seeing her one more time, made me confused even more. I found myself in this state where, I want to tell her so much, I want to let her know how I feel, I want to be with her so much, that I just want to tell her right now. But then, there's this thing holding me back, what if I told her, and the feelings were mutual, then there would be one more thing other than my family that would make me don't feel like going on SEP at all. Just imagine how much I would be missing her when I get to Finland that I just want to fly back to SG when I reach there. That would suck, so much. On one hand, I would know that there's someone I love over here waiting for me, but on the other hand, I wouldn't enjoy SEP fully, since all I would want is to come back. I know I'm contradicting myself. But this is the kind of dilemma I am in right now.
I really, really found a reason not to go. But I have no idea whether not telling her today was the right choice. Only time would tell, but this, important decision might really be a life-changing one, and might be one that I might come to regret for not telling her, at all. I will tell her, but the problem is when?
But anyway, I really really enjoyed today. Been so long since I last sat down with someone and just chat away. Really had fun. Thank you. (:
Found a smile, that I wish I could hold on forever, but more on that later.
Well, first up, got my results back. Hmmm, best sem out of the 5 sems thus far. Wouldn't have noticed it if weiling didn't point out to me that if i consider this sem's cap only, i actually hit above 4. but yeah, as a result of that, overall CAP improved. But as another sem goes by like that, you can't help but realise how much better it could have been if I just put in that little bit more effort in studies. Instead of playing for the whole sem, and leaving tutorials/pyp towards the last 2 weeks before exams to complete, I could have done all these consistently and gotten myself a better set of results than what there is now on the transcript. Same applies for the past 4 sems. But well, life goes on, instead of regretting what I could have done, why not look forward to what I should be doing. But wait, then again, my CAP has reached such saturation that now I'm just aiming for 3.5, so yeah, if I do the same as I did for this sem, I'll probably hit it the sem after I come back from sep. Suddenly, going on exchange to freeze my CAP doesn't seem that good an idea anymore.
Oh right, back to the smile. I don't know. I thought seeing her one last time before I leave sg will help me make up my mind as to whether I should tell her before I leave, or after I come back. But seems that seeing her one more time, made me confused even more. I found myself in this state where, I want to tell her so much, I want to let her know how I feel, I want to be with her so much, that I just want to tell her right now. But then, there's this thing holding me back, what if I told her, and the feelings were mutual, then there would be one more thing other than my family that would make me don't feel like going on SEP at all. Just imagine how much I would be missing her when I get to Finland that I just want to fly back to SG when I reach there. That would suck, so much. On one hand, I would know that there's someone I love over here waiting for me, but on the other hand, I wouldn't enjoy SEP fully, since all I would want is to come back. I know I'm contradicting myself. But this is the kind of dilemma I am in right now.
I really, really found a reason not to go. But I have no idea whether not telling her today was the right choice. Only time would tell, but this, important decision might really be a life-changing one, and might be one that I might come to regret for not telling her, at all. I will tell her, but the problem is when?
But anyway, I really really enjoyed today. Been so long since I last sat down with someone and just chat away. Really had fun. Thank you. (:
Thursday, October 13, 2011
the choice was right
After so long, you still leave me thinking that the choice we made was probably the best for both of us. It was you who tried to end it, it wasn't me. Letting go was my only option back then, and I'm just so glad that I did let go. When now you're the one trying to cling on to something that's of the past, I can just happily look you in the eye and say, "girl, its over already, there's no turning back."
I used to think it would never end. Our dreams, what we wanted for ourselves back then, when things didn't matter. When we just thought the world is perfect as long as we were together. Now, that is over. There are a lot of things that keep me away from you, that made it so that the thought of us being together again never ever crossed my mind. But there's just one thing, or rather one person in my mind right now that's keeping me away from all these. I didn't even want to show up, I didn't even want to go comfort you. As if I already knew what you would do, what you would say. But I still went, for I looked upon you as if you are my sister. For me, its more of doing something good for you after you have done so many things to hurt me in the past. The chinese saying of yi de bao yuan, I guess that's what I would use to describe why I'm doing these things for you.
No matter, I'm not gonna dwell on all those past ramblings. When drinking milk and talking stuff at night used to be my favourite past-time, it no longer is anymore. It just does not feel right with you anymore. And I only wished that the person I sent home just now was not you, but someone else instead. Perhaps its heaven playing a joke on me. So many times that such "accidents" had happened, that made it impossible for me to go back with her. So many times, that its made it impossible for me to give her a present that's overdue by almost 2 months. SO, I hope you get my point.
Argh, could I be more obvious.
I used to think it would never end. Our dreams, what we wanted for ourselves back then, when things didn't matter. When we just thought the world is perfect as long as we were together. Now, that is over. There are a lot of things that keep me away from you, that made it so that the thought of us being together again never ever crossed my mind. But there's just one thing, or rather one person in my mind right now that's keeping me away from all these. I didn't even want to show up, I didn't even want to go comfort you. As if I already knew what you would do, what you would say. But I still went, for I looked upon you as if you are my sister. For me, its more of doing something good for you after you have done so many things to hurt me in the past. The chinese saying of yi de bao yuan, I guess that's what I would use to describe why I'm doing these things for you.
No matter, I'm not gonna dwell on all those past ramblings. When drinking milk and talking stuff at night used to be my favourite past-time, it no longer is anymore. It just does not feel right with you anymore. And I only wished that the person I sent home just now was not you, but someone else instead. Perhaps its heaven playing a joke on me. So many times that such "accidents" had happened, that made it impossible for me to go back with her. So many times, that its made it impossible for me to give her a present that's overdue by almost 2 months. SO, I hope you get my point.
Argh, could I be more obvious.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Complete
I'm not afraid to tell you how much I feel for you, if I only had the chance to do so. I guess it was a pretty good chance to tell you the other day, but o well, I guess it can't be helped. Of cuz I was pretty much surprised when you said that, then I was like, "god, please let her be the one". Disappointed a bit after that, maybe? but what you said left me smiling the whole night. (:
Finding myself looking forward to at least 2 days a week, never felt like this for a long long time. Just hope that this could go on forever, and eventually, may 2 days become 7 days a week. (:
I'm like a kid, feeling so happy. But when I'm with you, I don't care about anything else. You make me feel...complete.
Finding myself looking forward to at least 2 days a week, never felt like this for a long long time. Just hope that this could go on forever, and eventually, may 2 days become 7 days a week. (:
I'm like a kid, feeling so happy. But when I'm with you, I don't care about anything else. You make me feel...complete.
Friday, September 16, 2011
screwed
I screwed up. My body clock, that is. For some reason that I do not know of, I slept from 7pm to 4am, though I woke up at 8pm for a while before going back to slp at 830pm. Pretty much means that I had 8.5 hours of sleep, while the night was still young. Dafuq.
And now, here I find myself, at 5am, early in the freaking morning, doing webcasts and drawing stuff for my 3001 project. Like, dafuq. Seriously. Its not like I'm emo-ing or anything, I'm perfectly fine with life now, with things going pretty smoothly for almost everything. If I had anything to complain, it is my inability to pass to her her present everytime I see her. Maybe its cuz we end up talking so much that it temporarily slipped my mind, or simply because I don't want it to stop our convo. Whatever the reason is, I find myself staring at her present every night (or rather, every morning, since I've become pretty much of a nocturnal animal)
Yes, short post, u mean u were expecting more? BAH!
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