first post in a long while

It seems so long from the last time I talked to her. Perhaps I've gotten over it already, or perhaps I've simply just buried the feelings away? Not seeing her at all does help in a way, but somehow, its just the feeling that deep down there, there's still something for her.

Anyway, alot of shit-stirring going on in Finland, especially during the Sweden trip. Not like I'm bothered by it, just joining in the fun, even if i'm one of the party that's kenna stirred. Doesn't really matter to me, since I've already thought of how I don't wanna get into a relationship anymore. Not even try, so yeah, I really don't care what people say, or how people feel. Stir whatever you want, it doesn't really matter, cuz the things that really matter have long gone.

Been trying to keep a positive attitude ever since that day. Telling myself to be awesome everyday, to not be tied down by things. But it kinda broke tonight. Not because of the planning of the UK trip, its really easy, even though the bookings are tough, but I still feel alright with it. What really bothered me was when I was trying to plan for the Liverpool part of the trip. For the years from sec 4 up till the my 1st year in NUS, the only person I wanted to go to Anfield with was this girl. Not that the girl matters to me anymore, I've already gotten over her. What really bothered me was of going Anfield alone. How ironic when the club badge reads "You'll Never Walk Alone", and I'm facing the prospect of going Anfield alone. Well, at the very least I'm going to a place which I've longed to go since secondary school days. I just hope that the places I want to go in the future, won't end up with me having to visit the places by myself again. =/

And that's probably the reason why I don't feel like going Paris. Cuz it was a place I wanted to go with her, or at least, go for her. =/

For the first time in almost 3 weeks, tears are welling up in my eyes. How long can this self-denial of being happy last? I wonder.

am i dumb or what

you saw this coming didn't you? you knew it would end like this, yet you pretended that everything will turn out just fine when you get back. You just knew it would end like this. When i say you, i'm actually talking to myself. SO fuck you, dumb ass.

If you even think that pretending to be smiling will be able to cover up ur sadness, you're so damn right. But what it does is only cover up the sadness on your face, deep down there u're still hurt, but u just dun wanna show it to anyone. You're weak in that sense, never wanting to show ppl how u truly feel. Perhaps, if you were not this weak and actually showed people your true emotions, you wouldn't feel so fucked up right now. You wouldn't even be crying while typing this post.

And what great timing. CNY eve? i knew it would happen, but not today please. As if the feeling of being away from the family on this day is not enough, you had to make it worse. I'm not blaming you for anything. I'm the one to blame, for holding on to something that I knew just wouldn't work out. Yet I still hung on. So what did I get out of it in the end? An experience? Or a sad chapter to add to my life?

I dun even know whether its my strength that will bring me through this, to get over you. Or would it be my weakness to succumb to fate, or destiny, whatever you call it. No matter how hard I fight against it, it just comes back to haunt me. Some things will stay the same no matter how hard you try to change it. I tried to fight it, but somehow, deep down inside, I knew it was a battle I could never have won. The kind of person I am, how I was brought up, its somehow a destined fact that I wun end up with anyone I love. Or let anyone realise how much I feel for them. I simply, do not dare to expose my true feelings to anyone.

The only thing that was holding my heart up. The broken pieces, the mess of a thing called heart. yeah, the only thing was this little thing called hope that was holding all the pieces together. That one single message just managed to take it away, and everything just fell apart like that. I thought my dream of being shot dead on cny eve was bad enough, but this reality wasn't something I had expected, and it feels much worse than being shot dead. You might as well have just killed me on the spot so I won't feel this pain.

so, this is what you meant?

if this is really what you meant by keeping in contact even when i'm in finland. Then you're doing a "great" job.  If I had known that things would turn out this way, then I really really shouldn't have told you at all. At least even if it died off, it would mean you not knowing at all, and perhaps it wouldn't hurt this much? You were the one who said all those things about keeping in contact, about staying as friends. So what's this? You were the one who told me its ok even if I keep telling you that I'm in love with you. You said its not my fault, I didn't understand. Now the way you're behaving, it just makes me think that you were just trying to make me feel better before i flew. SO its ok now to just kick me to one corner?

I told you i'm not expecting anything, just let me treat you the way I've been treating you as always. SO why is this even happening now? why?

It just hurts to even think about it. =/

starting to feel it

I'm starting to feel it. The pain of being here, and not there. Starting to wonder, whether it would have been different if I had not told her anything. Or whether it would have been different if I was more active during last sem. Or whether if I had not accepted this SEP, how would things be like now?

I always think that I don't regret the things I do. Yes, I don't regret the things I did, but I regret for the things that I could have done. In this aspect, I guess I still have not grown out of it.

I'm really scared, of the future. I don't know how things would be like when I get back to Singapore. As the days go by, I just find myself chasing your shadows. I've lost track of where you are. Its almost as if you're no longer in my life. Apart from the occasional tweet, there's really nothing else. If this is what you meant by keeping in contact, I guess we're doing it wrong.

I knew hanging on would be this tough. Yet I chose this path. If only you knew how much this means to me, perhaps you wouldn't have said those words to me. I guess I just didn't show you enough. But that doesn't mean I'm going to give up. Its just 4 months left. Somehow, I'll make it through. Somehow, I'll not let my tears bring me down. Somehow, I'll cry for the fact that I was not able to make you feel how much you mean to me, but I'll hang on. If only you could read my mind. I don't need to know or understand how you feel, cuz I know that if only you knew how I felt, you would definitely have said yes to me.

I just hope that there is still time for me to make you change your mind. So please, don't give up on me.

Even this slight glimmer of hope I'm holding on to, seems to be dispersing as the days go by. Finland is cold, but I feel that you're colder than that towards me.

I'm just afraid, that things wouldn't be the same anymore. But I'm more afraid of you leaving my life.

I miss you, I miss going out with you, I miss your smile, I miss listening to your stories, I miss listening to your life, I miss being part of your life. I miss everything that is you. And I guess, I've missed my chance. =/

Will you say yes when I get back? Will my clinging on prove to be what it takes to win your heart?

I only hope the answer is yes.

First Night

First night in Tampere, in the hostel, and I'm already missing you. ):

I just can't wait for SEP to end and fly back to you, so that I can tell you how much you really mean to me. If the reason for us not getting together was because of SEP, then i'll make it right for us. So please, really, just wait for me to come back.

its never easy

I never said it would be easy. I never said I was 100% confident. But whatever that's up there, wouldn't even let it fall in that little bit of area that I call chance. Its like tossing a coin, but you already know its going to land on tails.

I'm not going to give up though. I'm past that. I'm willing to wait. I'm willing to do my best to let you see the good side of me, so that from friends, we can become more than friends. So that one day, you'll tell me, "yes". And that's the word I want to hear from you the next time I ask you the same question again. Never give up, that's my new motto.

After what happened tonight, or rather in the evening, I went for a run at night, around 10pm, past the usual timing I run, but nonetheless, it helped a lot. I suddenly remembered why I loved running, not because of how it is able to keep me fit (though that will forever hold true), it lets me forget about things, it lets me forget about the shackles on my life, and remember that life is still full of freedom. As long as we take the chance, nothing is impossible, as long as you don't give up before you reach the finishing point. Many a times, in my life, I've given up before I've reached the finishing line, but its because of this process of giving up, I've learnt so much from it, and I find myself being able to run longer distances, do different things, doing things the way I want them to, having the courage to tell her how I felt for her. So many things, as a person, I've grown. I used to like this song called "It ends tonight". I still like it a lot, especially just now, when it kept me running for the full 10km while putting it on loop. But it holds a whole new different meaning to me now. It used to be a song where after I hear it, I'll go, "yeah, that's it, it ends tonight". But now, its different. The feeling I get is, yes, it ends tonight, but tomorrow is a whole new chapter of life for me to write on, and it depends on how I would write the chapter. I'll keep writing, I'll never give up.

I've never felt this comfortable with a person before. I've had moments where I thought some people are special in my life, but none of them could reach this level of feelings I have for you right now. It won't change, I hope it never will, but I hope your feelings will, that you would one day no longer see me as just a friend, but as someone special in your life too. You're special to me, that's how I feel, and I'll never give up, weiling. (: But just like you said, we'll see how it goes.

Found a reason not to go

Hmmm, very long never update my blog liao. Lotsa stuff happened in this short 2 months. Mostly stuff that I guess I should be happy about.

Found a smile, that I wish I could hold on forever, but more on that later.

Well, first up, got my results back. Hmmm, best sem out of the 5 sems thus far. Wouldn't have noticed it if weiling didn't point out to me that if i consider this sem's cap only, i actually hit above 4. but yeah, as a result of that, overall CAP improved. But as another sem goes by like that, you can't help but realise how much better it could have been if I just put in that little bit more effort in studies. Instead of playing for the whole sem, and leaving tutorials/pyp towards the last 2 weeks before exams to complete, I could have done all these consistently and gotten myself a better set of results than what there is now on the transcript. Same applies for the past 4 sems. But well, life goes on, instead of regretting what I could have done, why not look forward to what I should be doing. But wait, then again, my CAP has reached such saturation that now I'm just aiming for 3.5, so yeah, if I do the same as I did for this sem, I'll probably hit it the sem after I come back from sep. Suddenly, going on exchange to freeze my CAP doesn't seem that good an idea anymore.

Oh right, back to the smile. I don't know. I thought seeing her one last time before I leave sg will help me make up my mind as to whether I should tell her before I leave, or after I come back. But seems that seeing her one more time, made me confused even more. I found myself in this state where, I want to tell her so much, I want to let her know how I feel, I want to be with her so much, that I just want to tell her right now. But then, there's this thing holding me back, what if I told her, and the feelings were mutual, then there would be one more thing other than my family that would make me don't feel like going on SEP at all. Just imagine how much I would be missing her when I get to Finland that I just want to fly back to SG when I reach there. That would suck, so much. On one hand, I would know that there's someone I love over here waiting for me, but on the other hand, I wouldn't enjoy SEP fully, since all I would want is to come back. I know I'm contradicting myself. But this is the kind of dilemma I am in right now.

I really, really found a reason not to go. But I have no idea whether not telling her today was the right choice. Only time would tell, but this, important decision might really be a life-changing one, and might be one that I might come to regret for not telling her, at all. I will tell her, but the problem is when?

But anyway, I really really enjoyed today. Been so long since I last sat down with someone and just chat away. Really had fun. Thank you. (: