Remembering that you need nothing else to be happy, all you need is yourself

Just came back from Italy last night. Pretty fun trip. With lots of nice places with superb scenery, from the splendid islands of Venice, to the majestic Duomo of Opera di Santa Maria in Florence, and the outstanding Colosseum in Rome, there seems to be no stop to the amount of beauty in Italy that I can take in through my eyes. Well, no photos here. Lazy to post, so just go to my fb and check it out if interested.

Also, perhaps the whole trip wouldn't be as fun if not for the great company I had of tessa, yc & rachel. Vespa gang, Antonio, monodeal, smuggling me into hostels. All sorts of things happened and I'm just glad that I got to tour Italy with them. Really enjoyed myself, and very much a deserved break after that single exam I had at the end of period 3. :P

It also took my mind off certain things too! Not that I had anything emo going on before that, just the occasional bugging feeling I had in my heart, that seemed to disappear on the trip. I admit, that when I got back to Finland, I had a sense of loneliness at the airport, waiting for things to happen. And when I had no choice but to talk to her to get some stuff, there was a flutter in my heart that told me I still had feelings for her. But in the end, I still managed to suppress it all.... Or did I?

But anyways, doesn't matter. What matters is that I continue to keep the positive mindset as I live on my life. Love Life, and remembering that I do not need anything else to be happy, when the fact that I'm alive is enough for me to be happy about. "Don't let others decide your happiness, it is in your own hands" - wise words by an awesome person, think his name was Yuan Ing - :P

Realisation

Something I realized recently. I've changed, alot. Since what happened on cny eve. No longer do I long to be in a relationship. I'm actually feeling happy with what I have now. Freedom, not having to talk to other girls while feeling being controlled. At least I'm not my room-mate who's controlled by his gf. Every move, every action, every word that comes out of my mouth belongs to me, and no one else. And I'm happy with that. I'm actually happy being single. Not once in the past 23 years did I ever think I would be happy being single. O well, probably didn't have this problem when I was still in primary school, but can't be bothered with remembering since when did I actually feel that I needed someone to be there for me. All this while, my parents were there, my family was there, my friends were there, I failed to see. When all I needed was someone to talk to, when all that I needed was right infront of me, I chose to push them away, looking for that one person, when there were so many people out there who are important to me. So to all the friends I've pushed aside for the past 23 years, I'm sorry. I will treasure everyone in my life from now on. No longer is the one important. Even if I do not find the one, at least the one person that will feel happy from living a life like that would be me. At least, now I can still enjoy talking to people I love talking to. Treasure Friends. Treasure your family.

p.s, hmmm, i shld write something like this on a postcard to send to myself and to remind me of the last 5 words in that paragraph.

first post in a long while

It seems so long from the last time I talked to her. Perhaps I've gotten over it already, or perhaps I've simply just buried the feelings away? Not seeing her at all does help in a way, but somehow, its just the feeling that deep down there, there's still something for her.

Anyway, alot of shit-stirring going on in Finland, especially during the Sweden trip. Not like I'm bothered by it, just joining in the fun, even if i'm one of the party that's kenna stirred. Doesn't really matter to me, since I've already thought of how I don't wanna get into a relationship anymore. Not even try, so yeah, I really don't care what people say, or how people feel. Stir whatever you want, it doesn't really matter, cuz the things that really matter have long gone.

Been trying to keep a positive attitude ever since that day. Telling myself to be awesome everyday, to not be tied down by things. But it kinda broke tonight. Not because of the planning of the UK trip, its really easy, even though the bookings are tough, but I still feel alright with it. What really bothered me was when I was trying to plan for the Liverpool part of the trip. For the years from sec 4 up till the my 1st year in NUS, the only person I wanted to go to Anfield with was this girl. Not that the girl matters to me anymore, I've already gotten over her. What really bothered me was of going Anfield alone. How ironic when the club badge reads "You'll Never Walk Alone", and I'm facing the prospect of going Anfield alone. Well, at the very least I'm going to a place which I've longed to go since secondary school days. I just hope that the places I want to go in the future, won't end up with me having to visit the places by myself again. =/

And that's probably the reason why I don't feel like going Paris. Cuz it was a place I wanted to go with her, or at least, go for her. =/

For the first time in almost 3 weeks, tears are welling up in my eyes. How long can this self-denial of being happy last? I wonder.

am i dumb or what

you saw this coming didn't you? you knew it would end like this, yet you pretended that everything will turn out just fine when you get back. You just knew it would end like this. When i say you, i'm actually talking to myself. SO fuck you, dumb ass.

If you even think that pretending to be smiling will be able to cover up ur sadness, you're so damn right. But what it does is only cover up the sadness on your face, deep down there u're still hurt, but u just dun wanna show it to anyone. You're weak in that sense, never wanting to show ppl how u truly feel. Perhaps, if you were not this weak and actually showed people your true emotions, you wouldn't feel so fucked up right now. You wouldn't even be crying while typing this post.

And what great timing. CNY eve? i knew it would happen, but not today please. As if the feeling of being away from the family on this day is not enough, you had to make it worse. I'm not blaming you for anything. I'm the one to blame, for holding on to something that I knew just wouldn't work out. Yet I still hung on. So what did I get out of it in the end? An experience? Or a sad chapter to add to my life?

I dun even know whether its my strength that will bring me through this, to get over you. Or would it be my weakness to succumb to fate, or destiny, whatever you call it. No matter how hard I fight against it, it just comes back to haunt me. Some things will stay the same no matter how hard you try to change it. I tried to fight it, but somehow, deep down inside, I knew it was a battle I could never have won. The kind of person I am, how I was brought up, its somehow a destined fact that I wun end up with anyone I love. Or let anyone realise how much I feel for them. I simply, do not dare to expose my true feelings to anyone.

The only thing that was holding my heart up. The broken pieces, the mess of a thing called heart. yeah, the only thing was this little thing called hope that was holding all the pieces together. That one single message just managed to take it away, and everything just fell apart like that. I thought my dream of being shot dead on cny eve was bad enough, but this reality wasn't something I had expected, and it feels much worse than being shot dead. You might as well have just killed me on the spot so I won't feel this pain.

so, this is what you meant?

if this is really what you meant by keeping in contact even when i'm in finland. Then you're doing a "great" job.  If I had known that things would turn out this way, then I really really shouldn't have told you at all. At least even if it died off, it would mean you not knowing at all, and perhaps it wouldn't hurt this much? You were the one who said all those things about keeping in contact, about staying as friends. So what's this? You were the one who told me its ok even if I keep telling you that I'm in love with you. You said its not my fault, I didn't understand. Now the way you're behaving, it just makes me think that you were just trying to make me feel better before i flew. SO its ok now to just kick me to one corner?

I told you i'm not expecting anything, just let me treat you the way I've been treating you as always. SO why is this even happening now? why?

It just hurts to even think about it. =/

starting to feel it

I'm starting to feel it. The pain of being here, and not there. Starting to wonder, whether it would have been different if I had not told her anything. Or whether it would have been different if I was more active during last sem. Or whether if I had not accepted this SEP, how would things be like now?

I always think that I don't regret the things I do. Yes, I don't regret the things I did, but I regret for the things that I could have done. In this aspect, I guess I still have not grown out of it.

I'm really scared, of the future. I don't know how things would be like when I get back to Singapore. As the days go by, I just find myself chasing your shadows. I've lost track of where you are. Its almost as if you're no longer in my life. Apart from the occasional tweet, there's really nothing else. If this is what you meant by keeping in contact, I guess we're doing it wrong.

I knew hanging on would be this tough. Yet I chose this path. If only you knew how much this means to me, perhaps you wouldn't have said those words to me. I guess I just didn't show you enough. But that doesn't mean I'm going to give up. Its just 4 months left. Somehow, I'll make it through. Somehow, I'll not let my tears bring me down. Somehow, I'll cry for the fact that I was not able to make you feel how much you mean to me, but I'll hang on. If only you could read my mind. I don't need to know or understand how you feel, cuz I know that if only you knew how I felt, you would definitely have said yes to me.

I just hope that there is still time for me to make you change your mind. So please, don't give up on me.

Even this slight glimmer of hope I'm holding on to, seems to be dispersing as the days go by. Finland is cold, but I feel that you're colder than that towards me.

I'm just afraid, that things wouldn't be the same anymore. But I'm more afraid of you leaving my life.

I miss you, I miss going out with you, I miss your smile, I miss listening to your stories, I miss listening to your life, I miss being part of your life. I miss everything that is you. And I guess, I've missed my chance. =/

Will you say yes when I get back? Will my clinging on prove to be what it takes to win your heart?

I only hope the answer is yes.

First Night

First night in Tampere, in the hostel, and I'm already missing you. ):

I just can't wait for SEP to end and fly back to you, so that I can tell you how much you really mean to me. If the reason for us not getting together was because of SEP, then i'll make it right for us. So please, really, just wait for me to come back.