Mother's Day

Suddenly missing home alot. Maybe cuz its mother's day. I dunno. =/

Kinda reminded me of something, but yeah, at the end of the day, I never regretted my decision back then. Family is a love that will never abandon me, but you weren't my family. No matter how selfish you think I am now, I still think I made the right decision. I couldn't give you what you wanted, I couldn't give up on family time for you, so in the end, it was the best no?

Just glad that I'm going back in 2 weeks' time! SEP has been a long trip away from all those things in Singapore. In a way, it managed to get me over whatever that was holding me back emotionally. I've managed to grow out of the past. I've learnt to look at things from a different angle, and not to be always so pessimistic about certain stuff.

Being able to let go of the past easily has been the greatest achievement I had on SEP. It really wasn't this easy in the past, I've never really managed to let go. But somehow, after all this travelling, its the sudden realisation that life is only this short, why dwell on the past, when you can embrace the future.

So now, I open my arms wide to the future, come what may, good or bad, life still has its meaning, and I still have my family at the end of the day. The one true love that will never leave you is your family. (:

The Past

I think I'm good at it, letting go of the past. Afterall, so many "pasts" that I've had, I would really say none of them pulled me down in any way. As a matter of fact, the past allowed me to grow, as a person, as an individual. Yes, I do think about the past from time to time, as this post (and many other posts) show. But really, I've let it all go, and I don't see anything wrong, at all, about reminiscing the past.

Perhaps its a kind of ritual, or something that I have to do, before I commit myself to falling in love. I always, and will always, think too much before committing. That's probably a mistake that I've never corrected in my life, and somehow, I can't seem to get myself out of this. I'll always have to reflect on the past, find my true feelings, and eventually decide to commit, but its often too late.

The feelings are always true, but I'm just trying to prepare myself for anything. Not wanting those bad things in the past to happen to me again. I don't want to lose anyone anymore. I don't want to lose the things I treasure so much. I don't want to treasure something this much, and realise in the end that it was never mine to begin with. I don't want to lose someone I treasure to time. I don't want to have to choose family over a relationship. So many "don't wants" but all I want is to love again. Yes, I think I fell in love again?

I know, there's probably nothing to hold me back anymore. There's no NS, so it would definitely be a 100% commitment. I won't allow other people to step in and jeopardize the relationship like it did before in the last one.

All I can say is, so much talk, but there's nothing I can really do, till she gets back.

Its kind of funny, or rather ironic, how these things work. Before SEP, I couldn't wait to get back to where someone is, only to get my feelings toyed with. Now, towards to the end of SEP, I don't really want to leave Europe, but at the same time, I can't wait for someone to come back. I guess, waiting is something I've always been doing, and I'll just carry on waiting, till the day that my heart really dies away.

It just came, I didn't know. This feeling. I've never had for 5 months. Looking forward to things. Looking forward to replies. Looking forward to everything. Its like, when it comes, it just comes, and you can't stop the feelings from gushing in. I've already tried so hard for so long so that I won't get hurt again, but this time round, I decided to give it a try. To give myself a chance.

Trip of self discovery

Just came back from St Petersburg. I wouldn't say it was that bad a place, just that the scenery and stuff didn't really get to me. Place-wise, it wasn't that great a trip. But the company I had while over there certainly made up for it. Apart from the usual gang of Ivie, YunXuan, Fanzhe, Xiaochen & Tiff, this time round, we were joined by Congren, Wei Ting, Michelle, Ruyi & jon. The craziness was over the top, with random stuff coming from everyone. It really made the trip alot more enjoyable.

First night on a cruise. Yes, its my first time taking a cruise, and perhaps that's what got me a wee bit excited at first. Attempting to watch the sunset, but ended up just chilling in the cruise. Live performance and stuff, and it was pretty much an okay night that would normally make me go "meh". Went into my cabin that night and was very much surprised to see 6 people inside this 4-person cabin, excluding myself that is. Chatted with them a bit, and glad that I didn't join them in their crazy party. They were pretty much wasted the next day, judging from how disturbed I was the whole night, by people coming in and out of the cabin, switching on lights, etc. Definitely not a good experience.

Next day, arrived at St Petersburg. Waited damn long for everyone to get out of the passport control, and everything was behind schedule by 1 hour. After finally moving off, realised that, owell, Italy is still the best city I've been to, so far (hopefully Spain will be as good as I expect it to be, will get to why I decided to go to Spain in the end later on). St Petersburg, just a city with a wee bit of history and churches, and churches, and churches. The palaces were, well, normal looking from the outside, and not at all spectacular. The only real thing I liked about the city was how there were no skyscrapers around. A look into the distance and you can see the clear blue sky, with beautiful clouds without any tall buildings disturbing your view. Something that's missing very much in Singapore. 

Good blend of sky, clouds, buildings with aligned heights, nice fountain. What a view, what a beauty.

The second day in St Petersburg was all about Catherine's Palace in the day and the Russian dinner at night. Catherine's Palace was, well, looking good like a palace should be. Golden decorations and stuff. But apart from the bit of history it has, you can just see how commercialized this palace has become. A museum it has become, leaving me not too impressed with the palace. The Russian dinner though, was pure fun. Glad that the group of us managed to get our private table and room in the end due to some cock-ups by the restaurant. Ended up having fun drinking vodka shots and talking cock. On the way back was even crazier than I thought. Something that I thought I won't see unless I'm with my group of crazy RV friends. Maybe because weiting was from rv too, that's why I felt a sense of familiarity with the craziness she and michelle were giving out. Its the kind of craziness that I got used to back in those sec school days, and the kind of company I enjoy. When we got back to the hostel, it was even more craziness, with all the crazy singing and stuff. Like I've said before, without the wonderful company of these 10 people, the trip might not have been as fun.

The last day in St Petersburg was just another Palace. This time, the "great" Winter Palace. Don't see why people would be fascinated by this palace-turned-museum. Just not what I would expect of a palace. The highlight of the night though, was the night on the cruise. Self-discovery time on the deck of the cruise. Looking at the reflection of the moon on the surface of the sea with xiaochen, fanzhe and yunxuan. Those ripples, making patterns out of the reflection, such beauty, and kinda made me think of wanting to see it with someone I love, though there's not anyone in mind. When Xiaochen asked us if the reflection of the moonlight reminded us of anyone and yunxuan answered "ah ma", it kinda plunged me into emo-ness. Thinking of the last moments I spent together with my grandma and not being able to attend her funeral, I cried, for the first time in 3 months. I just went to this corner of the deck and stared out at the sea, and just couldn't stop crying. I realised how much I missed my family, how much I wouldn't want to spend another 6 months away from there anymore.

Then I pretty much emo-ed all the way on the deck, until the crazy girls came onto the deck and disrupted me from my emo-ness. Was still in a state of wanting to cry until weiting pointed to the sky and shouted "question mark". I looked up and saw that the so-called question mark was actually the dipper. Perhaps its the way weiting said it that made me want to laugh, or perhaps its how the dipper reminded me of the person who taught me how to see the dipper, I managed to snap out of the emo-ness. I don't know who to thank, Weiting, the dipper, or that person, but at the very least it kinda pulled me out of everything. So many things that I've been holding back for the past 3 months, after what happened. All of it kinda just dispersed with the "question mark" being shouted. Instantly reminded me of how that special friend once told me that like how the dipper points to the North star, there are always friends in our life that would point us in the right direction. Thank you everyone, for everything.

After that, we bought beer back to the cabin and just drank the night away, all while having htht. Never had a good htht in a long while, so it was rather much enjoyable. While I didn't really share with them whatever that was happening to me throughout this SEP, through the htht session, I kinda pulled myself out of it. At least by sharing with them what happened between me and my 3rd gf, I managed to remind myself about what I actually want to look for in life. Something that I've lost along the way, something that I've completely forgotten and made me go against my principles when I said I wanted to be awesomely single. I realised that all I wanted, was to strike a balance between my love life and family life. No longer will I run away from being afraid to love just because I don't want to get hurt again. I've kinda decided to not turn away from my feelings, after all, that's who I truly am. If I keep running away from my feelings, the person I'm showing to others will always be a fake me, a pure coward, and a person who does not dare to talk too much to the person he likes, just so that he won't fall in love with her. You get what I mean. So yeah, enough of running away. Its time to face myself, and be myself.

But anyways, I'm so glad that I've decided to go to Spain in the end. Perhaps its this "be myself" thingy that led me to the decision to go to Spain. Perhaps its how weiting said must go to granada cuz its beautiful. Perhaps its how when I saw weiting's cover photo of Granada on fb, I thought it was very pretty. Or perhaps, its just how I've always wanted to go to Spain. But yeah, I'M GOING TO SPAIN! :D

The alone time in Spain would probably give me even more time to think about what I want in life, and perhaps, actually finding out whether I should go after her.

Love travelling

Travelling is really fun. Glad that I've come on exchange while I'm still young, when I'm still able to travel around without feeling the strains of my aging body. At least, from what I see, this body of mine probably can't take the sleeping late and waking up early routine of travelling in 4~5 years.

Well, at least this is most of Europe covered within a span of 5 months. That leaves just Spain, France, Turkey and Greece as one of the few places left in Europe that I still want to travel. There's also America which is a must-go for me. Hopefully, I would be able to get my hands on the Hollywood internship after graduation. That would certainly save a lot of money for me, while at the same time, give me some working experience immediately after graduation.

With that said, travelling has its ups and downs as well. Meeting new people, understanding that different people have different wants & needs, and most importantly, strengthening of friendships.

Meeting new people: glad that through these few months of travelling, I have been able to meet new people along the way, and foster new friendships. Sweden: Jayden, Kayla, Qinglin, Tiffany; Italy: Rachel; England: Liu Yun, Alex, Justin; Eastern Europe: Chun Han; Germany: Zhigang, Mingfeng, Luke, Kien Yong, Michelle, Yongtae, Sujee, Yui, Aaron, Claudio, Zijian, Melvin. Most of these people are from Singapore, and it feels really good to meet Singaporeans along the way, gives me the feeling that home is not that far away. That even here, I still can feel the warmth of Singapore.

Understanding the different needs of different people: Some people like to minimize resting time and maximize travelling time while travelling, whereas some like to rest normally. I'm just glad that out of all the people I have travelled together with for the past 5 months, only 1 or 2 of them belong to the latter group. Most notable being the incident in Germany, where a certain someone said "next time we shouldn't go out until so late and should come back earlier to sleep". MEGA roll-eyes. I'm just glad I do not have to travel with this certain someone again, while my heart feels for those who still need to travel around with him. I guess having people with the same mindset to travel with you obviously works out very well. Perhaps this was why travelling Italy with Rachel, Tessa and Yong Cong seemed so much more fun than the other trips. Or maybe its just that Italy was the best out of all the countries to begin with. Company really matters a lot when it comes to travelling, and I'm glad that I'm able to find these awesome travel companions.

Strengthening of friendships: Only in times like travelling, staying together, etc, will you be able to strengthen friendships. Being able to know people better, being able to have fun while travelling, all these are the best things in life, and probably in youth that one can find. From being two people who didn't know each other to enjoying each other's company while travelling (Rachel). From being good friends to being awesome friends (Tessa&YongCong). So many people come and go in my life, I just hope that friendships like these can last, and that they don't just die off when we all get back to Singapore. But even if that happens, at least, it would not be something that I have experienced before eh?

On a side-note: the thing about staying single? By the looks of it, its probably gonna stay that way. Some things are very much not in my hands. This is what I chose to believe, either it brings me to doom, or it brings me happiness in the end, it doesn't matter. I guess, at the end of the day, this kind of love suits me best. Asking nothing in return, just wanting to see the people I love happy. Love life.

Never felt this fuck up in 3 months

I thought I told myself to feel awesome from the day my heart broke and decided to just stay single for the time being. I never knew there was something else other than love that can make me feel so upset. Friends, just another word that's easily tossed around. Trust, something I've given too much, to anyone. End up, its still better to do everything by yourself. At the end of the day, the only person who can make you happy is yourself.

From traveling Amsterdam together, to "sorry, lets tour Germany instead", from touring munich+berlin, to munich+freiburg, to me myself going Berlin. Its like, "YAY, AMSTERDAM!" to "Okay, Germany's not bad too", to "hmmm, freiburg, not really interested but okay", to "f that, i'm going Berlin alone". How would you have felt if you were me? Try putting yourself in other ppl's shoes k? Would you not be angry? What's worse? A friend whom I've only known for 1 month saying "I don't mind going to Berlin with you" vs a friend whom I've known for 2 years, and which didn't even cross her mind of wanting to go Berlin tgt. Its in this kind of situation where its really, "its the thought that counts".

Probably gonna be one of the many europe trips this SEP that I won't enjoy as much. But meh, treat it as a warm-up to my post-SEP europe solo trip. At the end of the day, its still better and easier to travel alone.

Easter

Heh, been quite long since I updated.

Glad to say that during this period of time, I've been travelling around Europe: UK and Eastern Europe.

Had lotsa fun, spent lotsa time with frens, getting to know everyone better.

Getting to know myself better. That was the best thing I've gotten from this trip. Liverpool, made me realise there are still things in life that I like. A place that I would certainly want to visit again, probably because of the fact that I've only spent 1 day there, but it really was a very nice place. Anfield, finally visited. Felt overwhelmed by the place itself. The history, the many stories behind every seat in the stadium, the many inspiring nights on the Anfield pitch, the ashes of fans on the pitch, the Liverpool spirit of the many legends felt as I touched the "This Is Anfield" sign. Nothing will beat that experience. Now, that's one of the many things I have to do before I die striked off from the list.

Lazy to blog more, owell...

Remembering that you need nothing else to be happy, all you need is yourself

Just came back from Italy last night. Pretty fun trip. With lots of nice places with superb scenery, from the splendid islands of Venice, to the majestic Duomo of Opera di Santa Maria in Florence, and the outstanding Colosseum in Rome, there seems to be no stop to the amount of beauty in Italy that I can take in through my eyes. Well, no photos here. Lazy to post, so just go to my fb and check it out if interested.

Also, perhaps the whole trip wouldn't be as fun if not for the great company I had of tessa, yc & rachel. Vespa gang, Antonio, monodeal, smuggling me into hostels. All sorts of things happened and I'm just glad that I got to tour Italy with them. Really enjoyed myself, and very much a deserved break after that single exam I had at the end of period 3. :P

It also took my mind off certain things too! Not that I had anything emo going on before that, just the occasional bugging feeling I had in my heart, that seemed to disappear on the trip. I admit, that when I got back to Finland, I had a sense of loneliness at the airport, waiting for things to happen. And when I had no choice but to talk to her to get some stuff, there was a flutter in my heart that told me I still had feelings for her. But in the end, I still managed to suppress it all.... Or did I?

But anyways, doesn't matter. What matters is that I continue to keep the positive mindset as I live on my life. Love Life, and remembering that I do not need anything else to be happy, when the fact that I'm alive is enough for me to be happy about. "Don't let others decide your happiness, it is in your own hands" - wise words by an awesome person, think his name was Yuan Ing - :P