9pm, 2015, July, 6th.

Woke up from a very deep sleep, and just felt the need to blog.

Yeap, its that kind of feeling again. How do you describe it? Emptiness?

Its the feeling that I get whenever I'm back from travelling. There's nothing here for me. There's nothing at all. Not Singapore, not hong kong, not anywhere. Maybe its the wanderlust working against me. I can only feel a sense of excitement when I'm travelling, and seeing new things.

This monotonous life is killing me, slowly, little by little. Even if I try to hide from the fact that it is, deep down I know its something I can't run away from. Its a void, that's just getting bigger and bigger as the days go by.

Where and when does one exactly find happiness? And how do I define happiness?

Some things felt so close to being happiness but somehow it just feels that I've not done enough to grab hold of it. Too many times, I was afraid of losing something, but I end up losing it anyway because of this fear of losing.

The need to say something, to let it be known. I just can't bring myself to say those words out, even though she's right there in front of me. I couldn't. And before you know it, she's gone.

I always say I don't regret anything, but somehow, this time round, for the first time, I'm regretting it.

I hate losing

As a child, I hated losing. I never liked it. Be it during taekwondo matches, or even the one speed typing competition where i got 2nd place, I never liked it. Losing always gave me a weird anger, of myself. Sometimes I wallow in self pity, but most of the time, I'm just angry at myself for not being able to do better.

Then I started losing, alot. I lost the ability to use my legs as freely as I used to from that accident in sec 2. I couldn't kick as I used to, I couldn't do the things I used to love. I somewhat recovered, but it was never the same. And I stopped tkd cuz of studies, because I didn't want to lose in studies too.

Then I lost what I thought was the most important bond I had back then, and a second one after that. And I never seemed to get back up.

To others, I mostly looked like my normal self, just jokingly smiling away. But like always, I just hide it away. The feelings, my weakness. I didn't want others to see the weak side of me. I seldom do.

Only a few times, I let others in to see that weak side of mine, because I wanted them to understand, because a part of me wants to be heard. But perhaps I've been letting the wrong people see this weak side of mine. Its either they don't care, or they chose to exploit it, and I end up getting hurt even more.

This time round, I thought it was all going to be fine, I could be back to what I love doing. But no, that had to happen. Was it my fault? Partially. I probably didn't need to go all out. But what the heck, what's done been done. Perhaps it wasn't meant to be in the first place, that this wasn't a path for me, and I was just trying too hard to cling onto something I should have let go back when I first injured my legs.

Right now, I'm just lost. zero direction. I need to have an 'F5' button in my life to refresh all these.

October.. You have not been a good month.

Sudden realisation that that was a dream :/ when her name kept appearing in the book that i was reading in my dream. Hmmm

Confusion

I have never been so confused for such a long time. I thought I was very sure about my feelings. Or rather I was very sure that there were no feelings at all. But somehow, somewhere, those feelings that I thought were gone, were just hiding somewhere waiting for it all to come out. I really have no idea what to do with what I'm feeling right now.

Is this even right?

I.. don't really know. On one hand, its something that I've always wanted, and only till recently that I thought maybe it wasn't meant to be. On the other hand, its something that brought me out of monotony in my work life, something that I thought I wouldn't find. Is it wrong to think that I want to keep both at my side? I guess it is.

Of course, I can just tell myself, go for one, and if that fails, there's always a back-up. But what the heck, I'm not like that. I shouldn't be like that. So until I can actually find out how I truly feel, I shouldn't be doing anything about it, even if it felt like the right moment to do anything, it probably won't be, because of everything else that's happening.

It has never been so confusing, but now it is.

Hello World

There are just too many things I want to pursue in life right now. Only after graduating, do I realise there are so many things that I really wanted. That TKD blackbelt, that 10 marathon target, that continued love in percussion, more knowledge in computing (Masters & PhD), a job that can contribute to the gaming community (or even an own start-up).

Is it too late to start? No, I honestly don't think so. But "Hello World", everything needs to start from somewhere. I've already started on all the "Hello World"s for all that's mentioned above, now is just about keeping up to the commitment.

Perhaps that's why, at this point in time in my life, I would say, I have zero interest in love at all. Even if it comes knocking on my door, I might not even go for it. And that's why, I've not gone after that one girl whom I thought was so important. Yes, she is still important to me, but when I'm not as important to her as she is to me, perhaps, its time to let go, and its something that I should have done so long ago.

Hello World, everything needs to start form somewhere.

cuz it takes 2 hands to clap

A few months back, a part of me was telling me that perhaps its time for closure, while a part of me held back.

But right now, as August is coming to an end, I guess its the time to put a closure on this. I've already tried my best, but this is a situation which takes two hands to clap. I tried to be there, but what for, when I'm just not as significant to her as she is to me?

Broken promises, or rather, things that are forgotten, I don't see the point anymore. The things I wish for, ultimately don't result in happiness for me, as things are right now.

I only wished for your best, but never for mine. It's time I think for myself I guess. So it's time to let go.

well

well, what I should have done? I should have told her how I felt instead of hiding away my true feelings and saying I never and will never like her. I mean, what was wrong with me? Why can't I just be true to myself, and be true to her? Why can't I just tell her how much she means to me? Why do I keep making her angry at me? Why can't I just show her how much I truly care instead of coming up with crap to hide the fact that I really really truly care about her. Why can't I just tell her I love her. :/

Man, I'm just.. sigh