f up

very long since i've felt so f-up le. i tot my hsp can pass de. but dunno y, go in, straightaway mind block. but i noe it's not becuz i didn't stay back yest nite. even if i stayed back last nite, i wld be too tired to even absorb anithing from wad the theory instructor wld haf taught. then farkin hell. go drivin, make some mistake. instructor nag like dunno wad. say wad if i keep doing this, hsp retest still will fail. WTF. nvr been so farkin pissed for a long time le. realli made me wanna scold f words. tt's y this entry kinda vulgar.

wad u mean i didn't put in effort. okay, mebbe I DIDN'T alrite! f la. u dun expect me to put in effort after so many things haf happened in my life. doin things 100% and get no return. fug la. do so much for wad. i tried to put in effort. do good, u nvr say anithing. accidentally cock up u keep lecturing. CCB!! fug la. i needta slp.

plain happy

ha. i guess i'm juz happy now. hmmm. mebbe not. juz that i'm not sad. i guess u can call that "happy". or mebbe i'm juz not feeling the sadness. can say, my feelings are neutral now. not sad, and mebbe a little bit towards happy. ha. and i wanna learn h0wta make cookies!!! lol. see how lo. ha. i think i shld lie low a little bit. dun be so concerned for a while. cuz i think i showed too much care. ha. let's c.

lost

i seem to be lost. at a loss. even as of now, i do not noe or even not sure wad i'm typing. but i juz feel like putting my feelings down. i haf no idea wad's going on now. seems like ppl are keeping a big secret from me. not ppl inside camp, but rather ppl outside. no matter how much i msg, they juz dun seem to reply. i dun even noe wad i haf done to deserve this kinda daoness. i do not noe. and i wanna noe, cuz i simply care. but i can't, i simply can't (adapted from the simpsons).

i dun even noe wad i'm writin on my note book. lyrics, without any tune in my head. lyrics without a tune is not a song. juz like a body without the soul and heart is not a human. ok, mebbe that's a bad analogy. i dunno. i dunno wad i'm thinking. or rather, it's confusing me. i dunno wad's happening. someone tell me. i dunno, i simply dunno.

is it so hard, to get a return for a 100% effort put in? that's the diff between life and games. in games, especially rpg games, u put in 100% effort, u'll definitely get to see results. but in life, that's not the case. at least not always for me. in fact, not at all. i've nvr seen good results for my 100%. wad's the point. i'm tired already. constantly putting in 100% for evrything. pouring my heart out. i'm juz dying, slowly. my feelings, getting numb. i dun feel like tokkin anymore. i'm juz tired. my soul, it's kinda dry. nothing can heal it anymore. evrything is aching. my arms, my leg, my body, my soul. My heart. heal me. nothing can, i guess.

all i see is lameness. i appreciate the efforts ppl put in to try to make me feel better. but sry, i'm kinda numb to those advice. rather i find it not useful at all, cuz it's all the same. sry to those ppl. but ur advice are always like, "cheer up, things might not be as bad as u think". all these dumb things. no use, no use at all. cuz it nvr realli helped. but i still muz thank those who did try. but no effort can heal me anymore. but kinda farni of me. i actualli asked the one who firz broke my heart for advice. but nvm, i kinda got over her actualli. my heart now is juz full of the one who's juz ignoring me now. i, i, i, i dunno wad to say.

i like you. is it that simply so hard to come out of my mouth. or izzit wrong of me to wait for u. i wanted to wait, till u're free and ez, to think of relationship in a more relaxed way. not when u're stressed up. but now, i dunno wad to say. i realli, i'm lost. i'm realli lost.

secret

woah! nice movie, tho the ending abit wierd. and indeed, got quite a number of loopholes. i wonder y, ain't it supposed to be only he can see her if she sees him firz. but durin the piano contest, y, when he was able to see him, even the sky cld oso see her and ask her, ain't he cute. hmmm, mebbe she didn't see him firz that day. haha. dunno la. want watch again. nice. but the ending is quite abrupt. and i dunno y, when i saw the things she wrote on the score, made me feel like crying. hmmm, then see the father run oso quite sad. EMO. dots. but it's also kinda wierd, how come he went back to the time when she was still alive. the twist actually made me thot that it was a ghost story, and kinda ridiculous. but in the end, woah! actualli kinda cool, kinda like a twist in a twist.

well, dunno y, but i juz dunno howta speak up. mouth inside got gold liddat. cannot open. some things, i oso dunno wad to say. hmmm, mebbe i was expected to say, ya, they're pretty, but u're not bad too. ha, that was wad i wanted to say, but can't. some things, juz can't be said. i dunno la, but was kinda happy? i realli dunno. i very tired today liaoz. ha, wanna slp le.

too ez?

it gets kinda worrying when things go too ez. cuz u dunno wad'll happen nxt. can help but get worried, but hopefully nothing goes wrong, cuz i guess, to me, this thing is realli impt.

yay. gonna watch secret on sun lo. hope it wld be nice, 4 star movie lo. but sian, after that muz book in. so so so tired le still muz book in. then do wad post ndp store recovery. kaoz la. after ndp le still got so many things to do.

siaN. hopin sun wld come soon but becuz of the book-in, juz makes me not look forward to sun. BUT i want watch movie!!!hahaha. cuz very long nvr watch this kinda movie abt love le.

thx and wad

being dead doesn't mean i'm not around,
death does not bring about loneliness,
death is not due to weakness,
being dead doesn't mean people will start missing you,
being dead, just leaves you thinking.

nothing much. mebbe i'm juz emo. juz something i came about while thinking abt stupid stuff. but aniwaes, seriously, i dun c death as a method of escaping the present. being dead doesn't mean ppl will necessary start thinking of you, and regretting that they didn't treat u nicely. there might be a slight possibility, but soon after, ppl will juz return to their normal lives. and to them, the dead is juz the past. cuz to humans, only the future matters. i've forgotten about the past, but my future? izzit bright? i do not noe. but i noe that there are ppl out there trying to plunge my life back into darkness. but there are ppl who bring me light, showing me the right way.

i'm glad u came. seeing you kinda surprised me. that u're there when i needed someone to tok to. that u cared. that u came. that u chose to stay. that u're by my side now. i thank you. a fren in need is a fren indeed.

i've been reading books from anne rice abt vampires. but the story doesn't realli tok much abt vampires, but rather the life of these vampires before they became humans. includes some interesting history which i can't be bothered to check on, but i choose to list them under fiction till i can be bothered to verify. nonetheless, the books are still nice. language used, the words used, realli good.

ok, last but not least. i realli hope something good will turn out of this relationship, or rather, this thing that i realli hope i can be able to cling on forever. the signs are not exactly good, but i wld say it's not bad either. one day i'll juz say it. it's after this yr's a's or after their prelims. somethings muz be said, muz be done. or for now, at least, i guess whoever reads this, will not actualli guess the person i'm talkin abt. but who cares, i guess nobody reads this aniwaes. cuz there's not even a single tag on my "c" box. if c is for communication, obviously it's not servin it's purpose. same goes to it if it is for chatter. if it's for cheer, obviously, it's not doing it's job. so i dun realli see the purpose of the tag board. unless, YOU who is reading this now, for my sake, pls TAG!!! haha, i'm getting kinda emo here.

but i guess i'm not realli a person that can make someone happy, cuz i obviously dunno howta make ppl tell me their probs, so at least i can help them with it. i realli wanna help, but the situation doesn't allow me to. and i realli seriously hope they are happy.

hahaha

haha. wrote 5 songs in 4 days. dunno y, but seems that i realli felt bored these few days. perhaps becuz there were less messages to reply. i dunno, but for wed and thur was realli feeling down. felt like givin up, but something juz told me to cling on. so i did. fri, at least got reply, but still nt very happy. but today ate alot, cuz went to, hmmm. kushin bo? dunno howta spell. but wadeva. juz ate alot lo. buffet ma, so juz take eat eat take. haha, but dun think i going again for any buffets in quite a while. i realised my ability to eat more than i pay has gone down. today payed 40 plus? but i guessed i only ate 30+ worth of food. HIAKX. but nvm.

hmmm, i hope i can feel happy real soon. but at least i noe the dao-ness has not realli set in yet, so i guess shld be rather, erm, happy abt it? at least not all hope is gone. argh, wadeva la. wait and c i told myself. and that was wad my new 5 songs were all about. i mean almost all la. all meant for me to wait and see. and all 5 songs had a kinda comment after writing the song, about wad i was realli thinking when i was writing it. kinda makes me remember the tune i had for those lyrics, so will put it down on the songs blog ba. so look out for it!!!haha

ahhh, tml ndp support. i'm so tired alr, after the 10km run today. stupid me, go chiong last 1km. cuz i overtook sgt tt, then since pc4 and s2 were infront, so i juz chiong lo. overtook them then was thinking, since overtook le, might as well go all the way back, dun slow down. argh. dumb me la. in the end so tired. and i think my timing sux, 55 mins. but i seriously hope i can finish ahm in 2 hrs. 3 days OFF!!! then can relax myself. hiakx. after that is ippt pass by september. hope i can make it. and hopefully our sbj regime doesn't fail me. at least now the chin-up regime is not as tough as b4. only do max. and argh! sgt neo, still say wad ippt circuit trainin he'll juz make us do ranger jump for the whole session cuz we only fail sbj. alrite lo. but my chin-up, hmmm, after the chin-up regime, my max dropped from 6 to 4 again. argh, is that a sign of degredation or izzit a hope of improvement. but nonetheless, i'll still try my best. the cbre badge is not there for nothing. and ya, marcus cheng is cbrd oct. haha, hope he commissioned le become my pc!!! XP then it'll be fun. haha. and jeep course is in sept. looking forward to it. =D