proof of existence

seems that being unable to run for the stand chart marathon really affected me alot. firz of all, i dun even noe why i was pulled out. perhaps the pc interview led to the decision of captain edward to pull me out. but hey! i juz mentioned that my knee sometimes hurt. well, for the training though, most of the time it seriously hurt and led to fall outs. but hey! wad were all those trainin for siah. not able to run, juz doesn't seem right. not fair? i dun even noe why i was pulled out. when i was pulled out. why i did all those training. no reason, not at all. i always thot this stand chart wld mean a hell lot to me. a chance to show myself that hey, i can do something. i can actually run 42km. well, if not run, at least walk, jog, run. but now, all that's gone! nxt year? wld i even haf the same drive i had when i decided not to pull out from the run when i had a chance to where captain edward asked us to write a 500 word essay if we wanna pull out. i doubt so. somemore, nxt yr, who noes wad's gonna happen to me. i'm startin to lose motivation in life. things have been going wrong, not the way i want i guess. trying to pull myself up. but hey! stop pushing me down! get it!? hell no! darn!

wad i've been tryin to do, seems to get me no results. the consequences, are juz dire. not the way i want it to be. you were all that i thot was meaningful in life, but hell no! i realised, you were but another person that's gonna juz leave a scar in me. it has not happened yet, but i guess it's gonna be soon. at least that's wad my experience's telling me. "trust no one but yourself". how true is that. and how true are you. YOU are but a passerby! i guess?

telling myself not to think too much, but wad the f use is that. no body gives a f damn abt wad u think. they juz carry on with their own world, carry on to do things that cld result in gd things for them. hell! wad the f do they think they're doing. and what the f am i doing, with the thot that hey! i'm doing this for you, so that u wld be happy! but guess wad? all these, at the expense of my own f happiness. then suddenly i realised, i might not be ur happiness. as least not the best for you. perhaps i do not deserve you. only the things i did made it seem like i deserve to haf u in my life. but hey! others can do that i guess? mebbe we're juz passerbys in each other's life.

I'M THINKING TOO MUCH! but i still wanna think.

i seriously dunno wad is goin on anymore. doin all these things, juz to see u dao-ing me for almost a week. hey! and guess wad? you said u were busy! alrite! fine! as if u're the only one who's BUSY!!! evryone's busy workin, and so BE IT! dammit. when i needed someone to tok to, u juz chose to slp! k fine! perhaps i shldn't be angry with u at all, u're not obliged to listen to me. you're you, i'm me. we were never we. GET IT!? and i guess it never will be! the finger was shown, the gates were open, the path was shown, the rings were thrown. we never were, and never will be, the ones that we thot we wld be.

eh? gettin poetic ain't i? kinda random. but whatever! i guess i'm juz pissed, depressed. press ctrl+z. undo, return back to square 1. i'm back where i was. whatever that describes, loneliness, anger, sadness. all that that feels dark, but not a single thing that shows me the light. i tend to forget what there is left to remember. and that is why, i chose to forget whatever that was happy. while this sadness is constant. even if i forget, it'll juz come back. we were once there, but all of these are juz memories now. memories of nobody.

argh! f it! juz hope that things will get better. and i guess i'll be workin on lyrics. seems that when i'm back to wad i was, the lyrics juz keep pourin in. guess that'll be wad it shall be for the nxt yr until i ord. till then, F O!

impt things

i realised how impt certain things were, the way they were able to change my course of life. but it's too late.

aniwaes, i realised 3 songs in the new album that really reminds me of wad happened to me with 3 special ppl. one is 最长的电影, the other one is 彩虹, and last but not least, 我不配. as to who they remind me off, i shall not say. mebbe they'll understand, mebbe they'll not. but these 3 ppl were once impt to me. mebbe now, one of them still is. but i dunno how long that will last. or perhaps, all are still impt to me. i do not noe. state of confusion, back at square 1. that's all i can say. 多憔悴 而我心碎 妳受罪 妳的美 我不配. get it? nope, too bad. F O!

ASEAN SUMMIT

LOL! asean summit!!! zz. but i'm doing standby in camp. haiz, cannot go on site standby or go there see see. whatever lo, nvm. at least when i dun haf standby can go h0me for the whole afternoon, which is why i'm here blogging. zz.

standby still ok la, its either play xbox whole day or watch dvds whole day lo. watched a great bunch of movies already. lols. watched the korean comdedy "who slept with her" twice cuz we tot it was rather funny. and summore missed some parts when i watched the firz time. watched "curse of the golden flower". was like, erm, wad's the storyline? lols. the fighting scenes were good. the idea was there, but somehow it was lacking something, some substance, some storyline. aiya, alot of movies la. lol. tml go back watch, friday XBOX!!! then WKENDS!!! finally got some wkend to myself. stupid asean summit, and orderly duties burnt my wkends la! then nxt wk oso rather long wkend.

somehow, i dun think i'll ever find the courage to tell. see wad happens in the future lo. otherwise i mite not even take the next step. dunno la. see how lo. ha.

aniwaes, JAY'S new album is very, VERY, VERYVERY nice!!! lols. the whole album has been on my mp3 player repeating the whole day!!! lols. very very nice. 牛仔很忙, at firz listen, eh? abit strange leh. but listen longer, actualli quite nice. i mean the bg music la. 2nd song, 彩虹. great lyrics, nice music, tho it's from the secret sound track. mv oso nice! haha.

zz, i sian liaoz. dun feel like blogging le. ha. f o!

404 days to ord

zz. added a count down clock on my blog, at the director there. ha, thot it wld be fun, but in the end made me even more depressed. 404 days lehh!!! longer than a year. zzz, but nvm. at least gonna be a one yr soldier soon.

but sian, jay's album not out at sembawang music yet. preordered but they said nov 6 then come. but nvm, got a preview of the songs and the mvs. i think cai hong is realli nice, so i put it on the blog. then i oso realised, the songs, quite alot of the tunes are the ones he used in secret. and the soundtrack for secret is nice, so i can say this album is gonna be good. some songs still haven hear yet. hahas.

secret again

i watched secret a 2nd time. on dvd. my speaker spoilt, so had no choice but to watch on portable dvd player. so small, yet the movie is still nice. 2nd time le, many different feelings when u watch it again. paying attention to details that i didn't really notice when i watched it the firz time. those small little details that actualli hinted that xiao yu was not really from the present. that only jay cld c her. ha, duno y when firz time i watched it i nvr even tot abt it. but the ending part i still felt sad, when jay was playing secret to go back and see her. dunno, mebbe i was juz touched, by the fact that he cld actualli do something for the one he loves, at least something significant. which i can nvr do in real life.

my bday, hmmm, nothing significant as well. a day spent at home, tryin to get some rest. as borin as it has always been.

sad or happy

i noe i'll be hurt, but i still wanna hold on. so long u're happy, i'm fine with it. even tho i might not be the one happy, but at least i once tried for my own happiness.

ff7 CC

omg, ff7 CC real nice. haven rly finish the game yet. guess i'm halfway thru, but my lvl is enuff to clear the rest of the game tho, if the forums are true. if ppl can beat at lvl 37 with normal materia, i guess my lvl 65 with hp +580% and str +40 wld be enuff to get me thru. but i wanna complete 100% at firz try. haha. and i saw the ending on u tube. wasn't as impressive as i tot it wld be tho. zack juz dies liddat? and a noob cloud juz staggers away with the buster sword. yes, at some point of time u'll feel like crying for zack, cuz afterall as u play thru the game, u'll get attached to zack cuz of his farni character. hmmm, but overall, not a real sad ending. and to those ppl out there who think that there'll be a ff7 remake or sequel to it. sry, i guess it ends here. the thing at the end, to be continued.. on final fantasy VII. it's juz telling you to go play the original game la. that the story is continued on final fantasy VII. not that there's gonna be a remake coming up on ps3. tho there are rumours abt endless crisis on ps3, but up till now, Tokyo Games Show still does not have any latest info on that rumoured ff7 title. seriously i hope it wun end here. that there wld be a remake that actualli links up cc and original ff7. cuz i still dun get it why cloud actualli thot of himself as zack, a firz class soldier. yes, it's the mako energy. but how the heck. and why is cloud so strong in ff7. lols. ok, i'm too into the game le. lol.

aiya, i oso dunno wad to do now. perhaps i tot too much. looking too deep into things. in the end i'm still back at square 1, that is to believe in myself, believe tt i'm the only one who can do this. the only one that can make her happy. and at least thinking liddat, i wun be tt stressed up. omg, pls dun look too much into certain things, dun think too much and evrything wld be juz fine, hopefully.

my goals are becoming much more simpler. perhaps u haf made me into wad i am now. u changed the way i look at life. to live life happy. i wanna be like u, to be happy. and i want u to stay happy. i dun wanna c u sad, i dun wanna c a single emo blog post on ur blog animore. all i want is to see that smile on ur blog, tt's good enuff for me. as long as u're happy. i dun expect u to c how much effort i've put in for u. i want u to find it out urself. if u're not able to c it, then nvm. but at least i hope that u feel that there's someone out there who's constantly trying to make u happy. i will not stop trying. n i promise i'll be there for u, always. even if u do not do the same to u, it's juz wad i wanna do for u.