I guess

I guess, you have died away in my heart. Slowly but surely. I really don't know what to say anymore. Is there anything to say at all? How you had a place, but no more. Special friends always had a place in my heart somewhere. You were special in the sense that I actually enjoyed talking to you. Few friends actually have that ability or rather, the personality to talk to me while I actually enjoy it. Well, maybe you never really enjoyed talking to me, so that's why whatever is happening to us now is happening. Nothing I can do. It wasn't something i foresaw. I never saw it coming. No one would. No one could.

How the heart aches, but really, its just beginning to numb now. Occasional burst of emotions, that's all. To me, you were that much, but you're just this little now. It still is very important for me to resolve this matter, to get back to where we were, to being good friends again. Is that too much to ask for? Or is it simply that I am not even worthy of being your friend?

I thought

I thought you would do something like this, but I never really felt that you would actually do it. I really have no idea what to say, or what to do anymore. That's it and that's that. I guess, there is nothing more to this.

Feel like having a change

Feel like changing my blog address, cuz of how this blog is attracting spammers on the tagboard. Hmmm. See how it goes.

Anyway, life's not been very good. Just going thru life as it comes to me. School's alright, with certain disappointing stuff of cuz, but i'm really trying very hard to move on, but she's not really helping with all these bullshit. Yeah, i'm starting to consider it bullshit, considering how stupid this whole thing is beginning to feel like to me. I mean, seriously, what's the point? If I really wanted, I could have just thrown all these away and say "fuck it, i don't wanna give a damn anymore." But no, can't you see that i'm just trying to salvage whatever friendship there is left, if there was any to begin with.

Hai, not as if she's gonna read this, but whatever.

Lying

I would be, if I say I'm not bothered. But since I've already said it so clearly, I shall not care about it anymore. I guess it mattered alot, and perhaps it still matters that little bit, after all, its hard to pull out of a friendship when you've chose to trust that person so much. Perhaps, I've gone over the border of friendship a bit, but yeah, it doesn't matter now already. Whatever it is, it only showed me not to put so much trust anymore. People change, there's nothing you can do about it. Adapt and move on. The only one I can blame is myself, its not like she never changed before, so what was I thinking when I thought she wouldn't change anymore, I wonder.

I can't sleep now, various reasons. Despite this pulsing headache, I just couldn't get myself onto the bed. I have no idea what's going on right now, feels exactly like 2 sems back when I just couldn't get to sleep and end up studying the whole night and forcing myself to stay awake when I go to school.

Can't be bothered anymore. I shall not care anymore. Putting so much trust in one person was wrong to begin with. Giving someone so much of my time was probably the biggest mistake in my life. I saw something special in you, perhaps I was wrong, terribly wrong. Maybe i'm just that easy to be taken advantage of. But I'll never know what went wrong, if you don't speak a word.

happy vday

Putting happy is just keeping in line with the norm. Everyone's supposed to be happy today eh? O well, ever since i found out that the great Bob Paisley died on this day (yeah, i wasn't that much of a Liverpool back then so i only found out like 2 years back). O well, so instead, vday has become a day to commemorate this great man. His quotes are great as well. All his quotes are what a man should be, what a person should strive to live as. I'm actually quite lazy to list the quotes he said but yeah, here's one of it that really left alot for me to think about.

"The day after we won our first European Cup, we were back at this club at 9.45 in the morning, talking about how we would do it again, working right from that moment, because nobody has the right to win anything they haven't earned." -Bob Paisley-

So yeah, before you want to win something, you have to earn it, that's how i look at this quote, but yeah, such wisdom, such truth.

And in fact, valentine's day not one about celebrating love. If you look into the history books, you'll realise its the day saint valentine died, so wad's there to celebrate about. O well.

And yeah, today, was alright. Ended the day with a bit out of the norm stuff.

Morning project meeting with doctor hamzah. Ok la, "why are you so quiet?" Erm, what can I say, i'm just like that? hahaha. or maybe "emo lo". Lol. But glad that our project's going in the right direction.

After that went to this tutorial that totally wasted my time and got me so angry that i spammed on my facebook wall. Seriously, i don't think this guy can teach. That's it and that's that.

After that went to my lecture with an empty stomach, and was complaining to tessa about this person who's so "rude". Well, if tessa didn't say it I wouldn't have thought about it but yeah, in fact, its quite rude to do this to me i guess. I really can't be bothered anymore, if this is what you want, so be it, then we can't even be friends. Yes, i'm actually quite disappointed that it turned out this way, but I don't think it was entirely my fault? -shrug-

Then wanted to go to JP after school but decided not to. Turned out to be the right choice. When I got home, i saw how jam-packed AYE was. Lucky lucky. But after dinner I decided to go to IMM. AND lucky i didn't drive. When i reached there, the carpark was FULL! hahaha. In the end didn't find what I wanted to, but surprise surprise, I saw someone whom I never thought I would talk to again. And surprisingly, she was finding the same thing as I was. O well. But yeah, nothing much. Not the kind of hot date that everyone would expect on this day, and yeah, there's no way we can be together again.

Whatever, can't be bothered.

Hello, what the fuck, bye.

something to really smile about?

I just don't know why. Or perhaps, I know what's going on with myself. The ability to smile at every single thing, to laugh along with others, yet deep down in, I know there's something wrong, something preventing me from smiling from my heart. Yes, i'm being a hypocrite to the people around me. But does it really matter? What matters most to others is that they see you smiling, they see you laughing, then they'll assume you are alright. And yes, that's what I have been doing. I do not want anyone to see me and say, woah, this guy fking emo. But yeah, in person, I guess i can hide it very well. Other places, i tend to show it alot. But yeah, seriously, who cares?

I used up all my courage to ask what's going on, and what I get is the same old shit. Continued disregard for my feelings. If this is what you want, then so be it. I don't even see a point of me holding on to this friendship anymore, if there ever was one. All I can see now is a person who made use of me, asking me to do this and that for her, only in the end to push me aside. What?

What do I do?

Or rather, what can I do? Say its true, I'll never ask for anyone but you. <- lyrics from "Another Heart Calls" from AAR.

But yeah, what can I do? I know I do not want to be tied down by this emotional stuff for too long, this sem is going into its business end, where all the assignments and labs come fast and thick. With six mods coming along, i don't see how I can manage if i'm still being tied down by this. I guess, I need to settle it fast.

So yeah, what to do? What would you do? If the only person you care so much about doesn't even look you in the eye when you talk to her. Doesn't even give a damn whether you're there or not. You can care so much for someone, but what's the point if you don't matter to her at all? At least this is what I feel now, that me being there or not doesn't matter to you at all. It seems like you feel that you would be better off without me. Then why, in the first place, did you make me feel that you needed me. Why, in the first place, did you make me fall in love with you?

You might as well just take a knife out and start digging my heart out, cuz that's how I feel now, or rather, that's better than how I feel now. Countless pain, immeasurable pain.