After so long, you still leave me thinking that the choice we made was probably the best for both of us. It was you who tried to end it, it wasn't me. Letting go was my only option back then, and I'm just so glad that I did let go. When now you're the one trying to cling on to something that's of the past, I can just happily look you in the eye and say, "girl, its over already, there's no turning back."
I used to think it would never end. Our dreams, what we wanted for ourselves back then, when things didn't matter. When we just thought the world is perfect as long as we were together. Now, that is over. There are a lot of things that keep me away from you, that made it so that the thought of us being together again never ever crossed my mind. But there's just one thing, or rather one person in my mind right now that's keeping me away from all these. I didn't even want to show up, I didn't even want to go comfort you. As if I already knew what you would do, what you would say. But I still went, for I looked upon you as if you are my sister. For me, its more of doing something good for you after you have done so many things to hurt me in the past. The chinese saying of yi de bao yuan, I guess that's what I would use to describe why I'm doing these things for you.
No matter, I'm not gonna dwell on all those past ramblings. When drinking milk and talking stuff at night used to be my favourite past-time, it no longer is anymore. It just does not feel right with you anymore. And I only wished that the person I sent home just now was not you, but someone else instead. Perhaps its heaven playing a joke on me. So many times that such "accidents" had happened, that made it impossible for me to go back with her. So many times, that its made it impossible for me to give her a present that's overdue by almost 2 months. SO, I hope you get my point.
Argh, could I be more obvious.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Complete
I'm not afraid to tell you how much I feel for you, if I only had the chance to do so. I guess it was a pretty good chance to tell you the other day, but o well, I guess it can't be helped. Of cuz I was pretty much surprised when you said that, then I was like, "god, please let her be the one". Disappointed a bit after that, maybe? but what you said left me smiling the whole night. (:
Finding myself looking forward to at least 2 days a week, never felt like this for a long long time. Just hope that this could go on forever, and eventually, may 2 days become 7 days a week. (:
I'm like a kid, feeling so happy. But when I'm with you, I don't care about anything else. You make me feel...complete.
Finding myself looking forward to at least 2 days a week, never felt like this for a long long time. Just hope that this could go on forever, and eventually, may 2 days become 7 days a week. (:
I'm like a kid, feeling so happy. But when I'm with you, I don't care about anything else. You make me feel...complete.
Friday, September 16, 2011
screwed
I screwed up. My body clock, that is. For some reason that I do not know of, I slept from 7pm to 4am, though I woke up at 8pm for a while before going back to slp at 830pm. Pretty much means that I had 8.5 hours of sleep, while the night was still young. Dafuq.
And now, here I find myself, at 5am, early in the freaking morning, doing webcasts and drawing stuff for my 3001 project. Like, dafuq. Seriously. Its not like I'm emo-ing or anything, I'm perfectly fine with life now, with things going pretty smoothly for almost everything. If I had anything to complain, it is my inability to pass to her her present everytime I see her. Maybe its cuz we end up talking so much that it temporarily slipped my mind, or simply because I don't want it to stop our convo. Whatever the reason is, I find myself staring at her present every night (or rather, every morning, since I've become pretty much of a nocturnal animal)
Yes, short post, u mean u were expecting more? BAH!
Monday, August 22, 2011
ah,
its back to sch again. Feeling good about this sem. Maybe it has something to do with deciding to join back tkd. Makes me having something to look forward to every wed and sat. Makes my life that bit much exciting too. Its like when I kick that target I feel a sense of satisfaction. But yeah, pretty much thanks to having a friend who's already in tkd, if not I probably wouldn't have joined without having someone I know whose already inside. So thank you. :)
Or maybe the feel-good feeling comes from the fact that all the mods I'm taking this sem seems so much more interesting with cool lecturers and TAs. 3702, fun lecturer, fun module, tutorial play games, can't really ask for anything better for this mod. hr2002, funny tutor, really helps that he brings his life experience to the class rather than just going on and on about notes. qf2101, another funny lecturer, though I don't go for the actual lecture, I'm actually enjoying his lessons on webcasts. As for 2401 and 3001, pretty much disappointing. Especially 2401, boring lecturer, talking about stuff that we already know. 3001, 3 hour lecture, you don't really expect me to stay awake thru the 3 hours, do you? :) But its just an 18 mc semester, maybe it'll just make my life that much better.
Hmmm, signed up for OCIP again this sem. 2 interviews, probably flunked them given how I don't like to talk to strangers. Would be very surprised if I even got into one. Even if I got into one, I would probably think twice about going overseas. Given that I'm already going to SEP next sem, another 3 weeks of not spending the holidays with my family might affect me emotionally during SEP. So well, if I get in, I might just request to do the local part and help with the programmes only ba. But see how lo. hahaha
Now, to the emo part. I think it was just yesterday night? I just sat down there, looked out of the window, stared at the sky for almost 5 minutes, thinking, who are the people I used to talk to online at night. Where are they now? Its just gone, I don't even know why. When you really need someone to talk to, there's no one anymore. The whole feeling of losing something that was part of your life. People take things away from me, but there's nothing I can do about it, to just let ppl take it away from me. People come, people go, but what if they go at a rate faster than they come? Very soon, i'll be left with no friends. ): Hai.... I guess the splitting of groups really did alot of dmg to friendships eh? Invisible friends.
Shit la, so emotional now. =/ Stay happy k, yuaning?
Or maybe the feel-good feeling comes from the fact that all the mods I'm taking this sem seems so much more interesting with cool lecturers and TAs. 3702, fun lecturer, fun module, tutorial play games, can't really ask for anything better for this mod. hr2002, funny tutor, really helps that he brings his life experience to the class rather than just going on and on about notes. qf2101, another funny lecturer, though I don't go for the actual lecture, I'm actually enjoying his lessons on webcasts. As for 2401 and 3001, pretty much disappointing. Especially 2401, boring lecturer, talking about stuff that we already know. 3001, 3 hour lecture, you don't really expect me to stay awake thru the 3 hours, do you? :) But its just an 18 mc semester, maybe it'll just make my life that much better.
Hmmm, signed up for OCIP again this sem. 2 interviews, probably flunked them given how I don't like to talk to strangers. Would be very surprised if I even got into one. Even if I got into one, I would probably think twice about going overseas. Given that I'm already going to SEP next sem, another 3 weeks of not spending the holidays with my family might affect me emotionally during SEP. So well, if I get in, I might just request to do the local part and help with the programmes only ba. But see how lo. hahaha
Now, to the emo part. I think it was just yesterday night? I just sat down there, looked out of the window, stared at the sky for almost 5 minutes, thinking, who are the people I used to talk to online at night. Where are they now? Its just gone, I don't even know why. When you really need someone to talk to, there's no one anymore. The whole feeling of losing something that was part of your life. People take things away from me, but there's nothing I can do about it, to just let ppl take it away from me. People come, people go, but what if they go at a rate faster than they come? Very soon, i'll be left with no friends. ): Hai.... I guess the splitting of groups really did alot of dmg to friendships eh? Invisible friends.
Shit la, so emotional now. =/ Stay happy k, yuaning?
Saturday, August 06, 2011
Holidays!
Been somewhat busy over the past few weeks that somehow I've lost touch with life. But with the end of oweek 2011, I found myself left with 1 week of holidays and I'm just busy planning how to make full use of the time I've found for myself.
Feels good, to know that its a weekday, but you do not have to go to work. Totally spent the whole of yesterday slacking at home. Wanted to go for a run, SHOULD have went for a run, but since I'm gonna play bball today, shall forgive myself a tiny little bit.
On another note, yeah, there were things to be pissed off about during oweek, but nvm, its all over, and shall not say too much about the bad stuff, when there were plenty of good stuff to be happy about.
Well, initially, my og was a bunch of not-that-enthu og when I first saw them. And it was that way for the first 2 days. But perhaps, because of the smaller OG size and more interactive activities over the next few days, they started to bond, just a little bit more. But its great to see that they're being active on the facebook group, though that doesn't mean much if they can't do that in person.
But well, whatever! its HOLIDAYS!
Feels good, to know that its a weekday, but you do not have to go to work. Totally spent the whole of yesterday slacking at home. Wanted to go for a run, SHOULD have went for a run, but since I'm gonna play bball today, shall forgive myself a tiny little bit.
On another note, yeah, there were things to be pissed off about during oweek, but nvm, its all over, and shall not say too much about the bad stuff, when there were plenty of good stuff to be happy about.
Well, initially, my og was a bunch of not-that-enthu og when I first saw them. And it was that way for the first 2 days. But perhaps, because of the smaller OG size and more interactive activities over the next few days, they started to bond, just a little bit more. But its great to see that they're being active on the facebook group, though that doesn't mean much if they can't do that in person.
But well, whatever! its HOLIDAYS!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
hmmm
Was contemplating whether I should even blog this post considering that its already so late. But with the pattern of sleeping late these few days, I guess its not gonna change much if I sleep late tonight either.
Haven't been training recently, so doubt I would be able to make it for standchart. Totally disappointed in myself, for not having the discipline to go out there for my runs. Not mature enough to tell myself, "hey, its alright to emo, but you still need to sleep by 11 if you wish to run the next day." But no, I didn't. I continued to play games past 1am, when I get back to my room, I'm probably going to take out a book and read.
I just have no freaking idea what's wrong with me these days. So easy to get angsty. Many times, I just wished I had pointed the finger at the credit card promoter. I know, you're just doing your job, but its not the first time already. If i'm not interested then I'm not interested. Do I look like i'm rich to you? How many times must I use the "my favourite song" trick before you can just get the hell out of my way.
And anyway, really, I'm beginning to dread going for work. Although its really just 1 and a half weeks left, but everyday at work, the hours seem to get longer and the time seems to pass even slower. I thought I had already done my part with the GUI and stuff, and I've been helping out alot with the Wallaby logistics. But why the hell do I even have more stuff coming in for me to do? If only the NTU IA student came, I wouldn't haven been having such troubles. I would happily enjoy my last 2 weeks of work at STK instead of trying to get 4 days off for these 2 weeks. I really need the break, not from work, but from STK.
I realised, I'm the kind of guy who only does work that I'm really interested in. I was freaking excited about designing the GUI, so that was why I had so much fun in the first 2 months trying to design a proper one. But once that was finished, it all died down. The flame in me, I couldn't feel it anymore. The new stuff to do, integrating the laser detection or even the adding of the camera to the GUI, seriously, I have no interest in all these whatsoever. First of all, the laser detection, having to wire it up myself, having to read through a manual, and HAVING TO TRY TO GET IT TO WORK WHEN I CAN'T EVEN INSTALL A PROPER SOFTWARE FOR IT! Ya, but really, I don't like doing the laser. Neither do I like doing the camera thing. If I really put my heart into it, I could probably finish up the camera thing within 1 day. But really, no. I can't stand it anymore. I had fun doing the data log sorting program cuz of how it reminded me of cs1101c where u read in a text file and only copy lines that don't have alphabets. That, I enjoyed. But that, I did way too fast. Started on it at around 2pm, published the app at 2.30pm. Too fast? Probably, but that's my efficiency when it comes to things I like to do. Even for the GUI, if I really had to, I could have done it within 3 days. If you ask me whether I enjoyed my internship, when it comes to working, probably not. I'm just an intern, but I'm expected to do the stuff that a perm stuff is supposed to do? There's no one to supervise my work, no one there to help me out when I don't understand certain stuff when it comes to programming. What the heck, and I was pretty happy when I finished up the GUI on my own. But then, my supervisor had to pile up even more work on me!? I really can't stand it anymore. Really. I'm just so glad that this will all be over soon, in like 2 weeks. I don't mind going back to STK to work in the future, as a perm staff, but never as an intern again.
Haven't been training recently, so doubt I would be able to make it for standchart. Totally disappointed in myself, for not having the discipline to go out there for my runs. Not mature enough to tell myself, "hey, its alright to emo, but you still need to sleep by 11 if you wish to run the next day." But no, I didn't. I continued to play games past 1am, when I get back to my room, I'm probably going to take out a book and read.
I just have no freaking idea what's wrong with me these days. So easy to get angsty. Many times, I just wished I had pointed the finger at the credit card promoter. I know, you're just doing your job, but its not the first time already. If i'm not interested then I'm not interested. Do I look like i'm rich to you? How many times must I use the "my favourite song" trick before you can just get the hell out of my way.
And anyway, really, I'm beginning to dread going for work. Although its really just 1 and a half weeks left, but everyday at work, the hours seem to get longer and the time seems to pass even slower. I thought I had already done my part with the GUI and stuff, and I've been helping out alot with the Wallaby logistics. But why the hell do I even have more stuff coming in for me to do? If only the NTU IA student came, I wouldn't haven been having such troubles. I would happily enjoy my last 2 weeks of work at STK instead of trying to get 4 days off for these 2 weeks. I really need the break, not from work, but from STK.
I realised, I'm the kind of guy who only does work that I'm really interested in. I was freaking excited about designing the GUI, so that was why I had so much fun in the first 2 months trying to design a proper one. But once that was finished, it all died down. The flame in me, I couldn't feel it anymore. The new stuff to do, integrating the laser detection or even the adding of the camera to the GUI, seriously, I have no interest in all these whatsoever. First of all, the laser detection, having to wire it up myself, having to read through a manual, and HAVING TO TRY TO GET IT TO WORK WHEN I CAN'T EVEN INSTALL A PROPER SOFTWARE FOR IT! Ya, but really, I don't like doing the laser. Neither do I like doing the camera thing. If I really put my heart into it, I could probably finish up the camera thing within 1 day. But really, no. I can't stand it anymore. I had fun doing the data log sorting program cuz of how it reminded me of cs1101c where u read in a text file and only copy lines that don't have alphabets. That, I enjoyed. But that, I did way too fast. Started on it at around 2pm, published the app at 2.30pm. Too fast? Probably, but that's my efficiency when it comes to things I like to do. Even for the GUI, if I really had to, I could have done it within 3 days. If you ask me whether I enjoyed my internship, when it comes to working, probably not. I'm just an intern, but I'm expected to do the stuff that a perm stuff is supposed to do? There's no one to supervise my work, no one there to help me out when I don't understand certain stuff when it comes to programming. What the heck, and I was pretty happy when I finished up the GUI on my own. But then, my supervisor had to pile up even more work on me!? I really can't stand it anymore. Really. I'm just so glad that this will all be over soon, in like 2 weeks. I don't mind going back to STK to work in the future, as a perm staff, but never as an intern again.
Friday, July 08, 2011
I never
Let go.
As much as I've told myself to let go of the past, I guess, I never really did. It came back haunting. The moment I saw you, I knew, I never let go of what I should have 7 years back.
I don't know why, when I saw you, the anger I had in my heart for the past 7 years just disappears like that. I've always been unhappy about how things ended for us. How you broke our promise. How you treated me as if I'm nothing. But the moment I saw you, I just thought, those broken promises, those empty vows, holding on to them brings nothing, and these are nothing compared to the happiness I had with you. Short it may be, but I've never forgotten about the love we had for each other in that short 2 years of the 4 years of sec sch life. 2 years out of 4 years, that's a lot you know? Considering how our relationship dragged out for the entire 4 years of our sec sch life, my memories of those days were mostly made up of you. So, the love, the hatred, all these just stayed in me. The sight of you brings out the love, the thought of you brings out the hatred.
I never let go, I never did.
So why, why did I not dare to even say hi to you. Is it the fact that there was someone next to you? Is it the fact that that someone looks like he's probably your bf? I have no idea what I'm thinking really. When you told me back then that because of what you did to me 7 years back, you dared not get into a relationship again, I really wished that you didn't do this yourself and sincerely hoped that you could find yourself someone who would treat you good. Then why is it that now, when I'm looking at you together with someone, something dark just builds up inside me. This sadness, how do I explain it? I probably can't, but really, I just don't feel that good about it. Perhaps its regrets that I could have been the one. Perhaps, its wishful thinking on my part that after 7 years, I might still have the chance to love a person that I had once thought would be the love of my life.
Guess what, if we really continued back then, I would still say the same things to you, I would never let go of you, and I'll always be there for you, always. Just because I've said it to you, it means that I will never break it. But why, why did you have to trample on my promise 7 years ago. You just had to break the promise we had, you just had to make me let go. I didn't let go because I loved you no more, I simply let go, cause I still had love for you. But knowing that it hurt you, I had to take it all away. It was hard, but the only way I could do it was by hating you.
And this, really is the reason why my love-hate towards you never ended for the past 7 years. You were all that I had.
Ay, why am I emo-ing now. The fact that that day is coming again? probably. A day that I'll never forget.
Anyway, happy birthday to you in advance. I hope July is still with you by your side, in place of me.
As much as I've told myself to let go of the past, I guess, I never really did. It came back haunting. The moment I saw you, I knew, I never let go of what I should have 7 years back.
I don't know why, when I saw you, the anger I had in my heart for the past 7 years just disappears like that. I've always been unhappy about how things ended for us. How you broke our promise. How you treated me as if I'm nothing. But the moment I saw you, I just thought, those broken promises, those empty vows, holding on to them brings nothing, and these are nothing compared to the happiness I had with you. Short it may be, but I've never forgotten about the love we had for each other in that short 2 years of the 4 years of sec sch life. 2 years out of 4 years, that's a lot you know? Considering how our relationship dragged out for the entire 4 years of our sec sch life, my memories of those days were mostly made up of you. So, the love, the hatred, all these just stayed in me. The sight of you brings out the love, the thought of you brings out the hatred.
I never let go, I never did.
So why, why did I not dare to even say hi to you. Is it the fact that there was someone next to you? Is it the fact that that someone looks like he's probably your bf? I have no idea what I'm thinking really. When you told me back then that because of what you did to me 7 years back, you dared not get into a relationship again, I really wished that you didn't do this yourself and sincerely hoped that you could find yourself someone who would treat you good. Then why is it that now, when I'm looking at you together with someone, something dark just builds up inside me. This sadness, how do I explain it? I probably can't, but really, I just don't feel that good about it. Perhaps its regrets that I could have been the one. Perhaps, its wishful thinking on my part that after 7 years, I might still have the chance to love a person that I had once thought would be the love of my life.
Guess what, if we really continued back then, I would still say the same things to you, I would never let go of you, and I'll always be there for you, always. Just because I've said it to you, it means that I will never break it. But why, why did you have to trample on my promise 7 years ago. You just had to break the promise we had, you just had to make me let go. I didn't let go because I loved you no more, I simply let go, cause I still had love for you. But knowing that it hurt you, I had to take it all away. It was hard, but the only way I could do it was by hating you.
And this, really is the reason why my love-hate towards you never ended for the past 7 years. You were all that I had.
Ay, why am I emo-ing now. The fact that that day is coming again? probably. A day that I'll never forget.
Anyway, happy birthday to you in advance. I hope July is still with you by your side, in place of me.
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