and you begin to wonder

Why you continue treating some people so good when the things they do to you just don't make it seem like they deserve your kindness at all.

How about putting yourself in my shoes, and see where I'm coming from? =/ It doesn't feel good being taken for granted, not at all. If this friendship has become such that we can only talk to each other when we need each other's help, I seriously don't see a point in it at all. It has become so bad that I sometimes ask myself, "can I even call you a friend?"

I only see myself hurting myself more and more by trying to maintain this friendship. It takes two hands to clap, and I only see that I'm the one doing everything. I've kinda decided to stop caring anymore, since it seems like all I do only irritates you, and the only time when I don't irritate you is when you need my help. So enough is enough, I'll still help out if I'm asked of, but other that that, I'm just not going to care anymore.

Friendships are pretty much similar to relationships in this aspect. If one party stops giving, and the other party gives too much, the latter would always be the one to get hurt. So, too bad, I'm the one who cared more, when it didn't really matter to my "friend". Perhaps, its time to be more selfish and care about myself more?

If all you wanted was for me to stop talking to you, then perfect, cause I don't feel like talking to you anymore. You're not the only one irritated here.

Priorities

Wanted to do so much today, but ended up playing the whole day away, or rather nua-ing. Its probably not an emotional thing, cuz I dun really feel anything right now, just numb. Initially, I planned to wake up early to get started on my bulk-up regime again, but well, I woke up at 12pm, just before lunch. Well, nvm, fk that regime for today, I wanted to spend the whole afternoon before RT to finish up on my ACC tut (checked), and to get a bit started on my FYP. But then, frens called me up for dota, heh, played the whole afternoon away. Wanted to get ready for RT already, then guess what, another group of ppl asked me to play. So I decided to skip the RT and just waive the last session of IPPT away, hopefully I would be able to.

Well, that's alright then, I basically spent the whole afternoon playing dota, completely ignoring the fact that I wanted to do work, and wanted to buy my running shoes after the RT session. So night came, I wanted to start on FYP after dinner, but then again, DOTA. =/

It seems that getting off facebook didn't really help at all, the time I save from FB, i just spend it on gaming. You can never convert play time to work time, but you can always convert work time to play time.

Time to seriously get started. I'm so behind time on my FYP that CA2's gonna be so bad. Not to forget that I still have BI orals coming up, and the lack of practice cuz I haven't been speaking much in Indo since I only see mich for 3 times a week and we hardly talk on wa/sms, all that ain't helping. But owell, time management is the issue here, and I should really kick dota out of my life like how I managed to kick fb out.

But then again, I'm watching dota2 tournaments every night. =/

Discipline, why do you continue to elude me?

HEY!

ooh, 600th post. Maybe a time to look back on the past?

"Ain't nobody got time for that" -insert black woman meme-

Well, I guess I've looked back on the past much enough to stop looking at it and move forward? Things that have been holding me back in the past, I've somehow managed to cast them aside in the short 9 months since the start of SEP. I'm said it time and again, I'm glad I've changed into this person I am now. Although the last 2 months or so almost made me turn back into the idiot I was, I'm glad I managed to stop it in time. Certain aspects of me that I don't like are still with me, but then again, its what makes me who I am in the first place. The fact that I get taken advantage of easily by people also comes to show how easy I am to say yes to others. In a way, its damaging for myself, but I guess so far, the damage has been rather limited?

Well well, saying goodbye to the old me. I shall dedicate this song to that "me".

It ends tonight by The All American Rejects.

"when darkness turns to light, it ends tonight"

I'm walking on a path where I'm my own torchlight, where I'll make it shine no matter where I walk. Instead of letting people be that goal for me, I shall be the goal of other people's lives. More "me", less "you", cuz I realised, you didn't see me as important as I saw you to me.

why bother

Its not my problem anyways. It has never been a problem that started because of me. If I had stay firm and kept to my stand, I would not have allowed myself to be swayed so much by someone's emotions. In a way, I would call that my fault, but the situation was never about me.

So, why bother? I'll just keep to my stand. I'm happy the way I am, and why should I allow someone to come in and break the way I live my life. Especially if that someone will probably not stay in my life for long. Friends come and go, I have long been able to accept the fact and move on. So why be different now? Is she that important to me that I wouldn't want her to leave my life?

Important, as a friend. Anything more than that, I've asked myself, and the answer is its not up to me to decide. What I know is that, I'll just stick to my stand as mentioned above. If it happens that there's feelings from her side, then we'll see how it goes again. The best would of course be that there's nothing at all.

If there's anything that really bothers me is that, if I'm just seen as a friend, then why would anyone react like that. Setting a difference between real-life and WA/sms, is there really a need for that? Shouldn't friends be able to talk no matter what, that if one party really needs somebody to talk to, the friend would be there? If anything, its the difference that makes me gaowei. And its the fact that I'm choosing to not confront about it that makes me even more gaowei. I've always been one that would want to put conflicts on the table and talk things out, so why the situation now? Maybe I just don't wanna be tied down by anything right now, I don't wanna have more things to worry about?

Yes, I'm running away from the problem, but I've already tried my best to solve it, but to no avail. Life goes on anyway. =/

the need

to dig down, and ask what I truly feel.

But do I have the time for it? Or do we have the time for each other?

I don't even have the time to truly think about how I feel right now.

I'm just so tired, so just let me rest?

100%

I realised how I like to hold myself back when there are major events coming up in life. For example, like tml, there's a 10km run, so I just find myself holding back today during IPPT. Except for sit-ups, which I usually just do 40, I just gave almost only 50% for each of the station including 2.4km. Finishing the 2.4km and not feeling tired after it even though i jogged and finished within 12.30, well, that's obviously not 100%.

Isn't it the same in life? Even though I always tell myself to give a 100% if I know I can do something, I usually hold back and give just a little bit, like 80%. So is it that I failed cuz I told myself that I would fail beforehand, or is it that failure was always there, and I was right to hold back? I have no idea.

For once, I would like to give a 100%, but I'm just so perpetually tired this sem, I don't know if I would be able to manage. So, I'm really sorry if I appear to be not interested at times, but in actual fact, I'm paying pretty alot of attention to whatever that people are saying to me.

So, would 100% be enough? =/

Well well, let's take things one step at a time, and first up, nike run 2012.

what a super long day

Phew, this day felt like forever. Went out to buy the stuff for the cooking in the morning, and ended up having to go to sch and all cuz of some delays and stuff, and perhaps miscommunication and bad planning on my part. Then during the cooking, realised that I forgot to buy coconut milk. =/ Luckily still managed to buy some in the end, and didn't cause much of a delay. The Indonesian day, overall was okay, some parts were funny and all, but somehow, halfway through, I just felt really really tired. Maybe its cuz of the lack of sleep, or maybe its cuz of running in the rain, and kenna the rain even though i was holding the umbrella (well, that kinda happens whenever I share an umbrella anyway, haha). But yeah, felt so tired after that. So when mich said her fren wanted to meet up and drink, I was half contemplating to go home and take a rest first before heading out for supper. But owell, in the end just went along. Well well, at least its kinda fun to just talk random stuff, and to think back about SEP for awhile. Haven't really thought of SEP that much ever since I got off fb anyways. Yes, I still miss Europe but not as strong as the feeling I get whenever I see my SEP photos on fb. Then again, I digressed.

So after that, was on our way to upper thomson and shun bian send mich home, but ended up stranded off to the orchard cuz both of us missed the exit. In a way, I was in the wrong cuz I wasn't in the correct lane to filter out. Well well, I guess, I need to really drive more then? Really have no idea of the roads in areas other than the west.

Then, the supper, well, cuz I was late, so by the time I got there, they've already ordered the food and were almost finished. =/ So had to dabao home lo. Come to think of it, for the whole of the day, the only proper meal I ate was my supper. =.=

And I realised I kinda slimmed down over the past few weeks. Maybe its cuz of skipping lunch and sometimes dinner, coupled with going for RT almost every other day. I have no idea how I got so lazy once school started that I abandoned my exercise regime I had before school started. Then again, I doubt I have so much time right now to start on that regime again. =/ When there's FYP, projects and all staring down at you, all the deadlines. =/ There's not even the time for things that matter, for people that matter. Time, such an important thing, but I still fail to grasp it properly. Perhaps like what mich said today, I have a poor perception of time afterall. =/