Sudden realisation that that was a dream :/ when her name kept appearing in the book that i was reading in my dream. Hmmm

Confusion

I have never been so confused for such a long time. I thought I was very sure about my feelings. Or rather I was very sure that there were no feelings at all. But somehow, somewhere, those feelings that I thought were gone, were just hiding somewhere waiting for it all to come out. I really have no idea what to do with what I'm feeling right now.

Is this even right?

I.. don't really know. On one hand, its something that I've always wanted, and only till recently that I thought maybe it wasn't meant to be. On the other hand, its something that brought me out of monotony in my work life, something that I thought I wouldn't find. Is it wrong to think that I want to keep both at my side? I guess it is.

Of course, I can just tell myself, go for one, and if that fails, there's always a back-up. But what the heck, I'm not like that. I shouldn't be like that. So until I can actually find out how I truly feel, I shouldn't be doing anything about it, even if it felt like the right moment to do anything, it probably won't be, because of everything else that's happening.

It has never been so confusing, but now it is.

Hello World

There are just too many things I want to pursue in life right now. Only after graduating, do I realise there are so many things that I really wanted. That TKD blackbelt, that 10 marathon target, that continued love in percussion, more knowledge in computing (Masters & PhD), a job that can contribute to the gaming community (or even an own start-up).

Is it too late to start? No, I honestly don't think so. But "Hello World", everything needs to start from somewhere. I've already started on all the "Hello World"s for all that's mentioned above, now is just about keeping up to the commitment.

Perhaps that's why, at this point in time in my life, I would say, I have zero interest in love at all. Even if it comes knocking on my door, I might not even go for it. And that's why, I've not gone after that one girl whom I thought was so important. Yes, she is still important to me, but when I'm not as important to her as she is to me, perhaps, its time to let go, and its something that I should have done so long ago.

Hello World, everything needs to start form somewhere.

cuz it takes 2 hands to clap

A few months back, a part of me was telling me that perhaps its time for closure, while a part of me held back.

But right now, as August is coming to an end, I guess its the time to put a closure on this. I've already tried my best, but this is a situation which takes two hands to clap. I tried to be there, but what for, when I'm just not as significant to her as she is to me?

Broken promises, or rather, things that are forgotten, I don't see the point anymore. The things I wish for, ultimately don't result in happiness for me, as things are right now.

I only wished for your best, but never for mine. It's time I think for myself I guess. So it's time to let go.

well

well, what I should have done? I should have told her how I felt instead of hiding away my true feelings and saying I never and will never like her. I mean, what was wrong with me? Why can't I just be true to myself, and be true to her? Why can't I just tell her how much she means to me? Why do I keep making her angry at me? Why can't I just show her how much I truly care instead of coming up with crap to hide the fact that I really really truly care about her. Why can't I just tell her I love her. :/

Man, I'm just.. sigh

How do you say what's in your heart?

I have no idea. I pretty much lost touch with communicating my thoughts across to people whom I care about.

And you're one of them. I even went as far as saying I have things to tell you, but I just seem to choke on my words when its time to say them.

Guess the grad trip would give me some time to think about all these stuff, whether this is really what I want for us, or is it okay just to remain as friends. I'll have one month to think about that, at least.

So yeah, till then, I won't say anything to you, probably. And let my mind sort out whether you're as important to me as my heart feels.

all the same

People are all the same right?

Acting all nice to you when they have something to ask of you. Going "hey bro" when they need that dota 2 invite. Talking nicely to you when they need your help.

I can't say I'm not guilty of such acts, but I don't do it so often cuz most of the time I'm the one helping people. And I hardly ask people for help, and even if I do, its cuz I'm already rather close to that person.

It kinda gets irritating, when you see people approach you, knowing that they want something out of you, and when they get it, they'll just leave you alone. I've seen that coming from you so many times, and I expect nothing more from you already. I know you'll just take it and leave me, I just know it, but I still give in to you. I'm not the one who needs to stop, you're the one. You're the one who needs to stop treating me like shit.

You're just being ridiculous here. =/