Tell me why?

That I feel this way. Why is it that I want to cry on such a night? My mood was alright in the morning, yeah, Liverpool lost and stuff, but well, walking around this morning got my mood up a bit, perhaps cuz it felt like taking a break away from the usual stuff I do in the morning at home. In truth, I actually didn't mind waking up early and going 2 places, I wonder why. Then it was movie time, Little Fockers, totally laughed myself off. I love the fockers. Always able to make me laugh.

Then xiao long bao. Ok la, the food was great, the company was good. But in truth, I kinda got bored when they started talking about ese ppl and stuff, feels so...out of place. =/

As to why I feel like crying, perhaps it was a realisation I came upon after the day's events. Or rather, my thought process throughout the day, with all the travelling, talking to different ppl, experiencing different commuters' reactions on MRT, and a mixture of some books I read.

Well, where shall I start?

Hmmm, perhaps, I should start on what happened on the MRT in the afternoon, when we were making our way down to funan from science park, thanks to the sci park outlet being one for scanner repairs. =/ Seriously, I don't see the point in rushing for the exit when the train hasn't even stopped yet. And that's the problems with humans, we tend to hurry ourselves up, but why can't we just slow our pace down and appreciate the things around us? We like to hurry, and to complain that why things must be so fast, but have we ever thought that, the things that are fast aren't the things we complain about but it is just us, driven by our greed. Driven by our desire for something better. Sometimes, its just better to slow down, learn to appreciate every bit and parcel of our life, and perhaps, this world will be a better world. -without ppl squeezing their way to get out of a train when almost half of the ppl are getting out-

Moving on, its great once in awhile to go to places where you have not been to for a long long time with different ppl. It gives you a different feeling altogether and a different perspective of a place that used to leave me with memories, albeit some are painful ones to remember. Can't remember when was the last time I went to funan, though I could vividly remember who I went with the last time. It left me with bad memories of the place, and perhaps why I never stepped foot in that place for like, almost half a year? or perhaps more. Today it felt a bit different. Maybe because of a change of mood caused by the Liverpool loss, which led me to this particular thought in the morning: "No matter how sad I feel about the loss, I shall not let my emo-ness be felt by whoever I'm going out with. I need to lighten up my mood, no matter what, and a change of pace from the usual pace I've been moving at." Feels good to be talking about other stuff that won't make me emo over Liverpool. And it feels good to talk to ppl, something which I enjoy, something which I will touch on later on, regarding communication. But yeah, at least I think I didn't allow my emo-ness to be felt by chong this morning, although I was pretty much tired. Though I'm sorry to my brudders and huiru for being so "not-myself" at dinner, where I didn't really talk much, and perhaps, felt abit out of place when they were talking about ese stuff, where I tried to pretend that I understand, and perhaps a bit interested, when in actual fact, I was pretty much tired out to be interested in anything. Sorry for pretending, I was simply, too tired after being out the whole day.

Ok, let's not talk about that. Well then, on the way back home, huiru was saying how similar the time required to travel from cityhall to clementi/tampines is. Then I realised, how I'm gonna have to travel 40 mins to get to tanah merah tml, =/ Not that I don't like travelling, in fact, I enjoy this time when I can just plug in to my earphones, play my "air-drums", and think about stuff that I wouldn't think of otherwise. Perhaps, I'm a person who likes to think. Also, observing people around me makes me understand myself more through the way I respond to things happening around me. For example today, I realised how vulnerable I am to the word "sorry". There was this parent with his 2 daughters on the train. Well, it was the peak hour train, so it was the no-seats kind of train, and I was leaning against the walls of the train. Then his daughters started playing and he was playing with them as well. Not that I dislike kids playing on the train, normally I would have no qualms about it. But well, the younger one kept fidgeting and banging into me, so naturally, I was quite pissed off. But when the parent said, "sorry", I just smiled back and said, "its alright". As if that's my favourite phrase, "its alright". It might seem like a nice kind of reaction to other ppl, but to me, it just showed how vulnerable I am to such words. How I fail to be angry when I should be. Like how I was pretty upset with someone when that person didn't turn up for an event a few weeks back, cuz of certain commitments, but when she said "sorry", I just said "its alright". I mean, well, yeah, I couldn't fault her for that, but I don't know, its like, back then, it really mattered alot to me, not that it matters now (which perhaps, I will touch on later). Then, I was also reminded of how I should have been angry with xiumin/soohuey for what they did to me in the past, but when they said "sorry", all the angst, all gone, and all was left was forgiveness. Should I really be such a person? I mean, ppl say i'm nice at all, but is being nice really the way to go? Maybe I'm being too nice for my own good? Being nice, at the expense of my own well-being, maybe I shouldn't be like that? Maybe I should have been a bastard and not turn up for things cuz I'm just simply, too tired?

Hmmm, this is really turning out to be a long blog post, perhaps just too many things going on in my mind at the moment. Just a recap on the things I wanted to say:

-Communication

-Someone that mattered

Hmmm, actually these 2 are closely related, so perhaps I can cover in one long paragraph? hahaha.

Carrying on, communication. I feel that really, in a relationship, be it between friends or someone you want to be with, its all about communication. In order for a friendship to be great, I just feel that communication is of utmost importance. Never running out of topics in one thing. Another thing is the way someone makes you feel when you're talking to him/her. There are only a handful of people I enjoy talking to, cuz topics never seem to run out, and we can continue talking for ages, without me thinking of what to say. Then there are those, who I can just stand there and think of what to say and end up saying nothing. Am I a boring person? Or perhaps both parties are the same type of people, boring in nature? Then how do you explain why I can talk to some people non-stop? This in turn led me into thinking, so, do I really like her? This is also how tessa led me into thinking seriously about my feelings, about where my heart truly lies. It is hard to get into a relationship when you can't even communicate. It is hard when the feelings are one-sided. If communication is present, at least the feelings can get across. But when there is no such bridge known as communication, the feelings will never get to her. Its like trying to jump over a wall, when you know its impossible. And slowly, these feelings will disappear. If the feelings were mutual though, it would be a different story, cuz communication will definitely come naturally as time wears on. Perhaps, its also the realization that all I was trying to do was to bury my feelings for someone else which in fact surfaced recently, which I can't explain why. Suddenly, it became clear to me what I want, and that, what I wanted previously was to get away. It was then that I realised, there was probably no feelings at all in the first place towards this someone. @#$%, this is getting confusing for me when I try not to mention names. But whatever, I think that's enough regarding communication and someone that mattered. Simply put, someone that mattered doesn't matter anymore (probably becuz of me realising that I don't matter to her at all too), while someone that truly matters has always been there, and I went one big round just to arrive at this conclusion.

You, truly matter to me, and I hope one day, I can say these words to you:"You really mean alot to me. You make me happy, you make me smile, and I just want to do anything I can to keep your smile. I can't promise you wealth, but I can promise you happiness and a heart of gold that will never melt. Simply put, I love you."

The way you make me feel

M.J's song. The way you make me feel.

Really, its all about how you make me feel. On one side, talking to her makes me feel like, hmmm, my decision's probably right. How I don't feel any communication from her, at all. Its like, she doesn't make me feel needed at all, that to her, i'm something that is replaceable, something that is not important, something, yeah, something. =/

On the other side, there's one that makes me feel that I'm needed. She, who makes talking so much more enjoyable. She, who makes me feel like, yeah, there's so much more to talk about. Its all about communication, and that, I feel, that there is a connection between us. Its not as if I never had these feelings towards her, it was always there, but for a period of time, I chose to bury it. But now, I decided, the feelings for her never disappeared, so why should I hide it anymore? Why should I attempt to pour feelings into someone else when someone is already there for me?

How she makes me feel. Two different "she"s, two different feelings, One decision.

There is not even a need to think about it anymore. It feels more like, woah, suddenly, there's nothing to talk about. Its like what I used to always do was to get closer to you, but when what really matters, is to be close in the first place, b4 I decided on anything. I made a mistake, an amateurish mistake, but I'm glad I pulled out before it started hurting me.

I feel, and i'm sure, that this is the right decision. "you" are not the one. you are the one.

On a side note, I dunno whether I shld be glad about my winnings, i'm just riding on this luck, which to me seems like a dilemma. If I could choose between love and gambling, it would be love. But well, while it lasts, I'll just ride on it till love comes.

2010

To me, the year hasn't been that great a year at all. Plenty of emotional downs, and it almost ended in a very down mood. But thanks to my dear brudder, TESSA~ hahaha. Totally cleared up my mind, and i'm alot clearer of what I want to do, who I want to be with, and what kind of a person I want to be infront of others. No more facades, I just wanna be myself. Being clear about your feelings is all that matters now.

Now I'm able to face 2011 in a brand new perspective, with new hopes, new dreams, new targets, and perhaps, a life to look forward to.

I really wanna say goodbye to my emo self and move forward.

Almost half a year of letting my heart wander around someone and to realise in the end, that I only ignore what my heart was truly shouting to me. What my heart was telling me all the while, was to persevere. I tried doing that for one person, that mattered alot to me, but perhaps, no matter what I do for her, I'm just another guy. But a wake-up call for me, and now I'm back to being a happy me. Or rather, someone with things to look forward to. Hopes and dreams, friends and family.

Letting myself back into life, giving myself another chance to live a happier life.

Let's wish, with all my heart, and the million stars in the night sky, that 2011 will be a good one, for myself, for my family, for my friends, for those I love, for those I treasure (i actually type "travel" instead of treasure). Hopefully, this nomadic heart of mine could finally find a place to settle down, a place for my heart to call home. My heart is tired, but i'm still gonna give it another go, for myself, for a reason to live on.

2011, here I come.

This heart of mine

You have no idea what I'm going through. I feel like my heart is being pulled apart. Its bringing me everywhere except for a place for it to settle down.

Trapped in the past, the present and the future. Have I really moved on? Or am I just looking for an excuse in you? I admit, there was a time when you really made me feel like giving my all, made me feel that you're the best in the world, like you're the only one that really matters, like you're the only one i want to protect in this whole world. But no, you drifted away. Perhaps it was my fault? cuz I never tried talking to you about how much you meant to me? Or perhaps you were just pushing me away? That, I guess, I'll never know.

Then, there was someone else, I thought I had already forgotten about all those feelings in the past. But no, those feelings, they're flowing back.

All these are leaving my heart in an ever confused state. Trapped in such confusion that I have no idea what to do now. Who do I tell all these to? I can't find anyone. But what the heck, I don't need anyone to tell me what to do. Advice, I do not need.

Then again, how I felt when I thought I lost the elmo dangling on my bag, and how relieved and happy I was when I found it lying around at home. I mean, it made me realise how much it really meant to me. Perhaps, I got attacked at this emotional low state that I felt so affected that made me think maybe I still have feelings for the one who gave it to me. You were once so important. Keyword: Once. No more. Its the past, I love the memories you left me. I love everything that you gave me. I loved you. But it doesn't matter to us now, for we don't even talk to each other like friends anymore. We have both changed, doesn't matter what those 2 years together meant to us individually. We thought we were meant to be, you thought you would marry me. But fate brought us here, you with another guy, me? My heart is trapped.

So tell me, what should I do? What?

All I need is a confirmation. Something to make me confirm my feelings. Or perhaps, I shouldn't think about all these at all. 既来之则安之, I guess the best move is to take it one step at a time. Perhaps, I should follow my heart. Like what tessa said, maybe, perhaps, I'm just forcing myself to like this girl when the feelings are already not there. My heart, where will u bring me?

Tired

Woah, damn tired after a long day, didn't sleep much, dun ask me why, I know why, some people probably know why, but the rest probably have no freaking idea. Well, whatever. Tried cleaning up the house abit b4 ppl came, then went to buy the food for the bbq at 2pm. Quite fun shopping for food, reminds me of those days when I used to buy groceries just to cook, for someone, that is. Bah, I miss my cooking, not you.

Then went back to my place to try to marinate, then te di went to pick tessa up and she dared to say my driving sucks. THANKS AH BRUDDER....then went back everyone was playing pes 2011 liao. lol, end up bbq started at 6pm.

The watermelon was nice, the chocolate fudge was nice too, so was the tang yuan! haha. The turn up was rather good too. Though more ppl were expected to come but, yeah, whatever.

I'm officially tired now, but for some reason, I can't fall asleep, and its not about the results, I was never one to worry about results so tml means another holiday to me. Trapped in this constant thinking of the words of miyamoto musashi. Yeah, miyamoto musashi, the greatest japanese warrior of all time.

Read up alot about him, and woah, master of all trades man, from swordsmanship to painting to writing, there seems like nothing he does not know. I mean, woah, is it possible for humans? If it is, then I would like to try. To concentrate on whatever I am doing, to put in a 100%. And to observe everything at its largest scale, to look at everything, to be detailed, yet general. To relax, yet to concentrate.

These late nights, I hate them.

Thought of a song

While bathing. But after I came out, it seemed that the bath washed all the lyrics and tune away, so i'm sitting down here with all night long to think about that song. I thought it sounded nice when i was singing it while bathing. Maybe I should get back into the bathroom to try to recall the tune. lol.

nah, after 1 hour...can't think of anything to pen down. suckssssssss. shall find other things to do..

Tested

My patience, that is.

Seriously, this world, its testing my patience. This anger that I've tried so hard to curb. But no, it has to happen every single time. I'm losing my patience with the people around me. Don't make me do so much to tell me something else and with you doing something else in the end. WTf? Who the hell do you think I am.

Fk this world, pissing me off. Really.

As if i'm the only one who's free enough to do all these things, FOR YOU ALL!?

I don't feel like doing anything anymore. Can I just fk it and say NO!? I don't want to do anything for anyone who do not know how to appreciate. Not feeling appreciated, at all.

I'm really trying to keep the anger in, but, the limits are really being tested.

And no, if u think i'm angry with you, its probably not you. If i ever tell you that i will never be angry with you, i mean it, for life. BUT, there are some ppl who just like to take advantage of my "nvm, its alright" attitude. FFS, i feel like a hypocrite, being nice to ppl and yet feeling angry inside. But really, i'm forced to be angry. Sometimes, I just feel like, I shouldn't even be nice to ppl, at all.

And I had to feel like crying at a time like this. Fuck me. How much I need someone to talk it over with and all you could say was "haha" or "lol". Tell me why, that the only person I feel like talking to is you, yet, you can't even understand? Can I tell you that its you? Can I?

A big WHY. like seriously. WHY!? why do I hate this world so much yet I yearn for the love of humans. WHY!?

Just an update

Of my life.

Nothing much, still the same old me, running hard, away from my problems, trying to grasp the future. Just that lately, I somehow couldn't pick up my pace in running. Everytime I start running, I just feel like puking. Wonder why. Fitness level drop? Body refusing to do work?

No idea.

As for the things that I've said I wanted to do before the holidays, well. Halfway there? Learn guitar: haven't even started. Learn dance: couldn't find the time to. Run at least 30km non-stop at the end of the sem break: HAHA, no chance. Learn spanish: trying hard! Talk to her more: at least more than during exam period, bah. I'm really trying very hard ok! I also want things to turn out fine between us. I want her to know how I feel. I'm trying very hard to show it, but i'm just hoping it wun scare her away. =/

Well, really asking myself what I want in life. What I have achieved so far.

1) Being really good at something: Well, I would say for a period of time, I've been really good in CO? Doing something I like so much, feeling the anxiety before a performance, having a sense of achievement when the applause rains down on you after it. JC made me hate CO though, when it became a means of getting into a JC. Made me see how teachers-in-charge really dun care and just want you to perform. Life's not as naive as I thought it was anymore.

2) To fall in love: That I did, but in the end, I still fell from love. Following my heart for 22 years, letting the heart do the talking when the mind thinks otherwise. In a way, I've come to know my heart really well. When it comes to really liking someone, I realise how I tend to fall short at communication. I realised, I tend to shy away from my words for fear that I might say something wrong. But really, I really do care about her, and I really do like her alot and would love to give her the best. Love, something so elusive, yet something we need so much. Follow my heart, I will, to that hearty smile of yours.

3)To enjoy life: Really, I suppose I do enjoy my life? At least I enjoy at least 3 out of my 5 mods every sem. At least during sem break, I let myself lose and breathe in every single happiness that life has to offer. I do, enjoy life. But its just the something that's missing? Someone to enjoy it with. Omg, please, just tell me, how to make you fall in love with me, or...have you already done so?

Had lotsa dreams of me dying and regretting the things that I have NOT done while I was alive. I want to live a life without regrets, but its really hard, isn't it.

On a side-note, running out of mangas to read, nothing new, nothing nice, though To-LOVE-Ru Darkness looks like a good series to start on, but was instantly reminded of how the first series got turned into a fan-service manga halfway thru. Or perhaps it had the intention of being one since the start. Nya, i'm bored!

Ouch

Something hurts, and I don't even know what it is.

Shall start off with some stuff that has been popping up on my health lately. Random pains in the leg, well, the pains actually came back after the marathon. So i'm actually thinking twice about going for sundown, but knowing me, I would probably sign up for it in the end. My recovery run today was a complete disappointment. 2km, yeah, but I felt like vomitting all the way. Something's wrong, very wrong, and I dunno wad's wrong with me.

Our past, its something that makes us grow into what we are. But once it has achieved its purpose, we should let it go. Letting our past go. Not like i'm the best at dealing with the pain of losing loved ones, but, whatever, what matters is what we think, and what we have loved. The time spent together, is not something that can be forgotten, but something that we shld bury if we are to move on.

In the end I still managed to talk to her, felt normal, maybe I was just thinking too much. Maybe she wanted to talk to me as much as I had wanted to talk to her? =/

Suddenly wanted to watch alot of movies again, especially 3 idiots and a walk to remember. Dunno why, these 2 movies were the ones that resonated really well with me during the exam period, and i just feel like watching them over again in a relaxed mood. Shall find time to do that.

Don't feel like working tml, somemore gotta collect laptop and stuff. So mafan...

Finisher of 44.195km

2km more than the usual marathon, thanks to lousy bag collection planning by organisers. But still, I think this'll be my last standchart, unless adidas comes along and organise again. Get an adidas standchart finisher then i can say goodbye to standchart for life. Only wanna run sundown from now on, prefer the night. I hate the SUN!!!

but one word i saw on amoy street kept me running, well, at least for 21km. Name of a shop, that resonated with something on my back. Something i refused to show kayden. Hahahaha. But..."you" kept me running. (: though you dun really know who you are to me, but, thank you!!! (:

Think about those you love, it'll keep you running. ruNNing is Love! ((:

不要来烦我!

I don't know what am I to you now, but to me, you were once everything. SO, stop diminishing your worth in my eyes!! Cuz I'm just starting to find you so irritating that its getting pretty much impossible just to stay on as friends with you. Get what I mean? Then learn those two words that suit you so well. Starts with F, ends with F. Requiesta in pace in my heart, you shall. You no longer have a place.

First day after exams, thought all the stress were finally gone. Last paper wasn't easy at all, and it turned out to be the one that i'm least confident in. Watched harry potter, IN CINEMA!! never once watched it in cinema before so i was thinking of not wanting to break the record. But, yeah, so-so. What a bloody cliff-hanger. Then queued up for starbucks free coffee at cathay. haha. Java chip, no whip cream please! nb, one big fat topping of whip cream on my java chip.... Then got my limited ed AC: Brotherhood! YEAH! went home straightaway started on it le. But really, its not something kids should play. All the wrong values being taught. haha. Trying to rebuild rome, no money, and what do you do? You steal from the people you're trying to help. hahaha.

THEN. YOU. YOU FREAKING HAD TO IRRITATE ME!? so damn fking pissed. One more time, and i dun think i'll hesitate blocking you. Seriously.

Can't this world just let me have a peace of mind? Let me enjoy the things I want to do. Let me have time to do the things I want to do. Let me have a peace of mind when I'm going about doing these things, instead of having to worry about this and that.

Stand Chart this Sunday. No matter what, I guess, I just have to keep on running. Whether there's motivation or not.. I'm just, still, too scared to tell you anything. =/