hmmm

Seriously, i'm just so tired from all this. Not slping for the whole night..Not having any motivation when it comes to FYP.

Why does it have to happen this way? Its like, everything that's happened so far, just ended with a snap. Just cuz I said something wrong. Just cuz I couldn't control my emotions..

I'm really very tired already.

And the only thing that's keeping me alive? Cuz I don't wanna see my parents cry that's all. :/

No mood.

我一直以为只要真心对待每一个人，只要为别人着想，那么别人就会看见你的好。

但这些年，看到朋友们离离散散，原来，错不在于这些朋友。或许，这些年来，我
都不曾试着了解任何人。当我认为我已经做到最好时，却因为一时的气话，或不够
了解而伤害了对我很重要的人。

今晚，我又犯下了这个错误。本来已经认为自己了解了对方的苦衷，却因为愤怒蒙
蔽了脑袋，让我一时说出了心里的气话。把对我来说很重要的她气得一句话也不肯
回我。

她对我的重要性就不在话下了。我不想失去任何朋友了，更何况是她。睡不着也多
半是因为这个缘故。一想到有可能会失去她，就让我心里忐忑不安。从昨天的有说
有笑，变成很可能是明天的不言不语。。我只能说，我不想这样。

hmmm

Seriously..No mood..

Useless project meetings, especially when I'm not really into the idea of the game cuz of how complicated its gonna be. :/ But what to do when the majority is ok with the idea? And when the team is made up of 3 former leaders, but the supposed leader doesn't display the necessary leadership qualities, so the rest of the team tend to take over the responsibility of getting ideas out and deciding how things flow. Of which, I'm guilty for..

And.. It just feels damn sian when u get the feeling of being pang seh. Of cuz, nothing was agreed on in the first place, but it just feels like, "hey, I asked you first, but you decided to go with some other group". And I don't really like to force people and stuff, so yea. Suan le lo. And its just like how I've been told many times, if you put a particular group of friends as your priority, but they don't see u as impt, then its time u re-evaluate these so-called "friendships".

At the end of the day, its not about what you're willing to do for others, or what you have done for others already. Its about where people place you in their own level of importance of friendship. And as I see it now,  my importance is there only cuz I'm willing to help. And when it comes to other things, I'm just not as impt. Cuz it gets harder to convince myself that you're not just "using" me, when friends are telling me otherwise. :/

Then I question myself again, who am I to you?

Just..damn sian right now...

Burying my thoughts in the work load... But somehow, certain thoughts still filter through. :/

Life sucks, move on, win over life.

more sighs

Sigh, I thought I would get into a really good mood today, before the hell starts for coding. Who knew, nothing seemed to go right today.

Woke up feeling really bad alr, not enough slp, plus a slight headache.

After that went to the concert with mich, well, cuz she was late, then we had to walk pretty fast to the arts house, which didn't help much for my throbbing head. Reached there feeling damn hot, and I wouldn't say the ventilation in the concert hall was that good. Felt damn uneasy throughout the concert. :/

After which, walked all the way back to mrt, with the headache still going on. I tried to talk more cuz I never liked awkwardness, but yeah, cuz of the headache and too many things at the back of my head, I really couldn't concentrate anw.

Reached bishan, realised I was pang-sehed. Well fuck. I've had enough of this pang seh shit anyway. =.=

So I headed back home, but then I realised, since the supposed "chillax" sat didn't turn out as well as I expected it to be, I might as well pop some panadols, and go for a coding session. So off I went, coding, coding, coding..

Then now I'm back home at 4am. :/ I dunno man, I really feel damn stressed. Doesn't help with the fact that there's no one to turn to to talk about all these stress. Like I've previously mentioned, it doesn't help that no one's there to help me.

All these shit just came together and made me really depressed and stuff. And what do I do when I get depressed? I blog, I eat cup noodles...I grow fat.

I really want all these FYP stuff to be over, and then I can settle all the personal stuff, including getting back to TKD, getting back on my running, and many more other things.

Right now, work > time. =/

Sigh

有你真好

Popped up on the radio while driving back from a night of coding. Sigh

And then I just sat in my car waiting for the song to finish before getting off, at the same time, thinking, of how lonely it is to be the only one coding for my FYP. :/

I mean, for the razer project, there's kenneth to code tgt with.

For the gaming projects, there's always groupmates around to code tgt with, plus how this group really suits my coding style, cuz of the similar way of thinking through coding and stuff.

But for FYP, I'm all alone I guess. There's no one to turn to when I need help. The profs have no idea how to code an android app. I don't have a mentor. The ST Microelectronics people have no idea how to connect their device with an Android App (which is why I detest going to ST to work, but I guess, if I have no choice, then that would be where I end up). What's worse, my so-called groupmate doesn't seem to be doing anything, yet she's asking me for codes and stuff. I mean, hey, why ask me for my codes, when you're not gonna do anything about it? I asked her to help me figure out the connection problem, and guess what's the reply? "I have no knowledge on coding for Android, nor java."

Man, I mean. Don't come to me with that bullshit. This is a freaking FYP. At least put in some effort? I had close to zero knowledge before coming up with the App and stuff. Don't come up with bullshit like having no knowledge.

There's ppl like Mich who started off on her FYP with zero knowledge, and picked up all the necessary skills along the way. I don't see why this bitch can't even put in a freaking bit of effort to get some work done. 

Sigh, at least Mich wasn't alone when she was coding? Had her mentor to ask. Had me around to help out. :/

And for me? I'm just alone in this vast ocean of codes, trying to find that single line of code that can help me out in my App.

Sometimes, I feel like just breaking down. In fact, I think I'm close to that right now. I need to talk to someone, but with everyone so busy, the only way to let this emotion out is to just blog it out for now. Sigh.

How I wish there was someone here, where I could just tell that person, "有你真好"

How I Met Your Mother

Heh, weird dreams are definitely weird.

I dreamt of this dream where I was telling my kids (woah, I doubt I'll get married considering my forever-alone-nature, but whatever, its just a dream) how I met their mother.

The dream's starting's still kinda fresh in my memory though I seemed to have forgotten most of the later parts.

The dream started off with me walking around the house, looking at photos of myself, apparently I was a successful businessman & I've gotten my tkd blackbelt (woots! time to go back to tkd). Then my kids came back, 2 kids. I still remember their names, cuz I was quite surprised that they're called that, Michael and Maxene.

:/

Then I made them sat down, and told them the story of HIMYM. Starting from my first love like Ted did. =.= Then blah blah, and blah blah. What really inked on my memory was me telling them, "On the May of 20xx, I met your mother. It was love at first sight, but I didn't tell anyone, I pretended that I liked someone else, so that people wouldn't know how I truly felt. Maybe its cuz of how much I was hurt previously, so I didn't dare to reveal my true feelings..."

And blah blah..

That was pretty much everything I could remember. but owell...

Sigh