只要你对别人好，别人就会对你好

My mom told me that when we were watching some variety show on ch8 just now.

And I totally disagreed with her when she said that. I rebutted her by saying, "你对别人好，人家不一定对你好的" Probably said it out cuz it was really what I felt, and what i've been feeling all this while, ever since the day I realised its so hard to place trust in anyone anymore, and that, happened 7 years ago.

Perhaps I never let it go, and perhaps, i'll never find a way to let this regret go. I can never tell anyone my true feelings? When was the last time I told a person how I truly felt. Can't recall. There will always be some thing holding me back when I want to say the things I really want to say. Be it for fear of trust being misplaced, or be it that these ppl are not worth my trust.

But lately, I've realised that perhaps, the one that is not worthy is me. I'm not worthy to gain anyone who I can trust fully, when I can't even face the truth myself. Perhaps, if one day, I find the right person, I'll be able to tell her everything I truly feel.

There have been people in my life, after that fateful day 7 years ago, that have made me feel like telling them all, telling them everything. But somehow, somewhat, due to certain circumstances, or that the fact that they can never be the special someone in my life, I stopped there, not wanting to say anymore. Backing away, kicking ppl away so that I won't have any tendency to tell them the truth, at all. I'm afraid, i'm always afraid, that once I put my heart out into the open and leave it in someone else's care, I would get hurt again. But in the end, no matter what I do, I'll still get hurt. But it would probably hurt even more if I truly poured my heart out.

In fact, I did leave this fragile heart of mine in some ppl's hands before, but i've always managed to take it all back in time before too much damage is done. But like I've said before and will always say, this whole thing is tiring. I'm tired of trying. Tired of having to find someone who will truly understand.

Its like shouting out to the world for someone to understand, but all I get is my own echo.

I'm tired, really tired.

All these sleepless nights, becuz I have no one to talk to. I don't want them anymore, but what can I do.

When I say things out, ppl dun understand. When me myself doesn't even understand my own feelings, who would even try to understand me?

You? you? You? or perhaps you? No. None. None of you will ever try to understand.

Why? Am I not good enough? Am I such a bastard that no one would care about? Or perhaps I'm always saying the wrong things.

I don't want to cry anymore, I really don't. I would rather show ppl my true happy face than put on a facade of smiles to cover up those tears and sadness.

Smilez 4 eva, you told me that, and I'm still doing it, though not from the heart, but at least it shows on the face.

I'm probably a hypocrite for doing that. But if ppl dun bother to try to understand my sadness, then there is no point in letting ppl know what I am truly feeling, so i'll just keep smiling.

what it seems to be

might not be what we really see.

I'm just having a random title for this post cuz i can't really think of what i'm gonna say in the next few lines/paragraphs. Nothing much, just random stuff and some updates about life?

Intern started. Nothing much to say about that, just work work...and work. I guess having internet access really makes intern life much better? But I don't have that luxury, at all. So yeah, its kinda sucky nowadays. Doing work, work and just work.

Had dinner last night with the ese peeps. Not really into korean, so yeah, good meat, but really, not something that I would go back for. With that said, its kinda boring hearing them all talking about ese stuff, but as usual, i just tried to stay interested, sound interested and chip in with a few laughters here and there. But it was good company anyway, so yeah. Better than staying at home on a boring saturday night. I needed to get out and enjoy anyway.

Friday night was much more fun with the drinking and karaoke. Its only around these guys that I can be myself? Not giving a care about what's gonna happen if I do this or that, just thinking that nothing will go wrong. Being able to be oneself. Guess that's what i've always been searching for in my life. A place where I can be myself. I do miss secondary school days alot. It was when I felt I had everything. The degree of freedom back then was just right. Not too rigid, we still had some control over our life but there were people monitoring out progress so that we wun go wrong. Well, those were the days.

I always felt it wasn't right growing up. It seemed as though the older i grow, the number of ppl i can actually talk to about my stuff just dwindle down slowly. Back then, if I ever needed someone to talk to, i'll just go on msn. The first few ppl on my contact list would definitely be ppl that I could talk to. Now, I open up my msn, I don't even feel like talking. When you try so hard to talk to ppl, but they really dun care. Cuz someone like me just doesn't matter to anyone. I'm just, another person to everyone. In life, there are people who will be special to other people, people who you want to keep in life, for life. Well, for me, it seems as though i'm not any of these to anyone. To ppl, i'm just the kind of person that doesn't matter. I'm only there for as long as i'm useful. Once there's no use of me for anything, they kick me aside like as if its alright to hurt my feelings, as if its a given that I'll get back up and carry on walking. Yeah, I did get back up and carried on walking for alot of times already. But i'm just getting tired. Being able to get back up doesn't mean it does not hurt anymore. The pain always stays.

But no one cared.

No one is listening.

Everyone's busy with their own life, who would care about you? When it seems that i'm the only person who's concerned about other ppl's feelings when it comes to asking ppl out, when it comes to giving ppl what they wanted. For many a times I could have just said fuck it, I don't give a shit about how u'll feel if i dun ask you. But no, I actually gave a shit, so I actually asked you, only to realise that some things dun matter to you at all. For this, i'm actually speaking of a particular person, not naming names, but if she reads this, she'll probably know who she is. But yeah, whatever. So why did I care about how you would feel, when you didn't spare a thought for why I even bothered to ask you in the first place. Cuz i'm afraid you would feel left out? But nah, it didn't really matter to you.

Is it really a must to say out what we feel? good things or bad? If u can see it, you'll see it. If you can't you'll never see. So why shld I be the one saying the things to beautify the world, when if you already know hos good as a person you are, there is no need for complements. With that said, yes, i'm talking about another person now. When you really care, and ppl think you don't, that feeling actually sucks. So yeah, whatever. Why do I even care.

Sometimes, you just keep wondering about why certain things happen in life. Its okay if you know what went wrong. But if you didn't know what went wrong, then how do you deal with it? I still have no idea what the problem is. When we meet up, it actually feels normal, but deep down, I just know there's something wrong. What happened during the sem, I really want to know. But if you dun even want to talk, how do we even communicate?

Alot of things I can just let go, but I didn't. Cuz i always spare a thought for everyone else. But who actually gave a shit about me? Who actually cared. Those ppl, who said that they care, they're not here anymore. Any promise to be always there for me, there's only one thing that will stay always, and that is, they'll "always" be broken.... Always.

Last days of my holidays

Woohoo~ FINALLY~ this sem is over!!! finally can play every------

i wish i could complete that sentence, but sadly, with the end of the last paper, it signalled the start of a one week break before intern starts. And sadly, I haven't found the time to do the things I would have liked to.

Started off the first day of this short hols by going for a short run followed by gym, kinda strained my chest and shoulder muscles, so can't really feel them now. Barely able to type with my left arm. haha. After that went to watch thor. Call me a geek, i liked how the movies are all linking up to the Avengers movie. Saves alot of time and trouble for Avengers to explain wad's going on for the different characters, and probably not a need to tell us who the freak Loki is. hahaha. Natalie Portman is dope though. hahaha. Always enjoyed the movies with her in it. She seems to bring the characters alive? Though Jane Foster wasn't supposed to be this enthu when it comes to her love with Thor. O well.

Before that, I watched Barca vs Real, kinda expected result, and yeah, kinda boring too. haha, so nothing much to say about it.

Then started drawing some stuff also, random stuff.

Then went to USS today. The roller coaster rides were DAMN NICE~ haha, battlestar galatica is serious imba-ness. If anything, its the only ride that would make me wanna go back to RWS. but 50 bucks? hmmm, thanks but no thanks. haha.

Eh, anyways, some stuff, I've decided not to give a shit. I guess its better to leave it this way. Never expected anything, never will. This is all about giving life another go, allowing it to move on the way it should be. With that said, I'm surprised by how neutral I feel towards these kinda things now. Seems that such things wouldn't affect me as much as it used to. Guess it was just time that I needed, time to realise that hey, its not really that important. With or without, at least I had it once. So that's all to it. Don't wanna care about it anymore, and probably wun talk about it anymore. Maybe it'll allow me to become a less emo person? what is required wld come naturally. If it shuns you, its probably not what you need.

Then it comes back to the question of Needs vs Wants. And yeah, it has always been a want, it was never a need. How many single ppl out there, how many happy single ppl there are in this world. Why must I make myself the sad single guy when I can stay happy, away from all the troubles of a relationship, away from all the commitment required. Life's better when you have time all to yourself, without a need to accommodate someone else in your life.

Wanted to comment on the GE, but decided not to. Not as if my vote would affect much. Simply put, if there was a better choice, obviously I would take it. But when its a choice of choosing the lesser of two evils, it is obvious wad I would do, no?

So...

What did I do the whole weekend? Nothing much really, just settled down and found some time to study and do some work, something that I've not been doing the whole sem. The whole sem, I've found myself spending too much time on the stupid circuit board, only for it to fail me time and time again, never got it started, never will, can't seem to find the problem. So that's it and that's that, not gonna do anything about it, just gonna concentrate on the other mods since exams are really getting nearer. No time to waste.

So basically, found myself in a situation where I just sat down and listened to webcasts and do tutorials. Quite rare. Also, perhaps all these came with the bloody decision to not give a bloody fuck about her anymore. You were precious, you still are, but I'm not going to tell you anymore. No point. To me, these feelings towards you never got over to you. You never knew how important you were to me. You'll never know. So really, I don't wanna care anymore. You are just another friend now, and I won't pay special attention to you anymore. You're not even a close friend to me anymore. Somehow, this distance between us has made this happen, for us to be further and further apart. 4 months, it was all it took to make us become what we are now. So fast, but, who are you? The friendship between us 4 months ago felt like it happened 10 years ago, precious memories, no more.

not about

This is not about me not giving a damn about whatever that's happening to you. I care alot. But I've decided not to. Its not that I don't want to care. Its just you who's telling me with ur actions/attitude, that you don't want me to care about at all. For far too long, I've given too much a damn for your feelings, neglecting whatever that's hurting me, cuz I tried to believe in what I've seen from you in the past. But I guess, I was so damn wrong. I couldn't care anymore. I wouldn't care anymore. I shall not care anymore. Its for my own good, not yours. I don't give a damn. I gave too much. I never asked for anything in return, but at least this shouldn't be the way things should turn out.

If you gave me a reason for what you've been doing, I would accept it, and take it as it is. But you, choosing not to explain? All I can say is, well, i'll fuck off then, and I'll never admit that I was in the wrong even if I really was in the wrong. Cuz you're not explaining, simple as that. Without an explanation, for me, its simple, you're wrong, that's why you don't dare to explain. So really, is it my problem or yours? Its for you to decide, but till then, I will keep thinking that I've never really let you down, you did.

If it was something that I never had, I wouldn't give a damn. But its a friendship I once had, but now I feel as if I don't know you at all. Losing something that I once had, that, I can't stand. But yeah, no more. Don't care, dun give a damn, just don't give a fuck.

Song in mind

Suddenly had lyrics popping up in my mind again, after so long of not thinking about writing any songs at all, it came flooding back. Thinking of writing this song, perhaps to show how disappointed I am in whatever that has happened between us, or perhaps to show you how much you still mean to me, to show you how much you meant to me, to show you, how much, i'm willing to do for you. Yet you don't care. But anyway yeah, just a small part from the song:

这生中你和我已不再有变成我们的可能。

Too much

Maybe I spent too much time out this weekend. Got alot of things done, did whatever I could for my circuit board, given more time, it'll probably still be like that. Tutorials done. But after all this, I'm really really tired and exhausted. I guess this is what you get when you try to balance life and 6 mods. Trying to enjoy while studying hard at the same time. Guess it has taken its toll on my body. Feel like a fever coming up. O well.

But really enjoyed myself on friday night, went out with sec sch frens to play san guo sha at bukit batok macs. Initially thought I would just spend a few hours there, maybe zhao at 12 plus. End up we played from 9pm all the way till 3plus am. Then sent the guys home. Phew, car was locked in west mall carpark, luckily found the guards and they were good enough to let us go in to get the car out. Then again, didn't know west mall carparks close so early. O well. Then was supposed to send tzeheng to clementi for him to take nr3, end up i dunno why, from teban gardens, i couldn't find my way to clementi, perhaps cuz of the fatigue. O well, but in the end sent him all the way home and managed to have a good chat. Funny how, when you need someone to talk to, its not the people you think that're closest to you, but the friend whom you've not seen for so long.

Life, as it is, offers no light to me.