How do you say what's in your heart?

I have no idea. I pretty much lost touch with communicating my thoughts across to people whom I care about.

And you're one of them. I even went as far as saying I have things to tell you, but I just seem to choke on my words when its time to say them.

Guess the grad trip would give me some time to think about all these stuff, whether this is really what I want for us, or is it okay just to remain as friends. I'll have one month to think about that, at least.

So yeah, till then, I won't say anything to you, probably. And let my mind sort out whether you're as important to me as my heart feels.

all the same

People are all the same right?

Acting all nice to you when they have something to ask of you. Going "hey bro" when they need that dota 2 invite. Talking nicely to you when they need your help.

I can't say I'm not guilty of such acts, but I don't do it so often cuz most of the time I'm the one helping people. And I hardly ask people for help, and even if I do, its cuz I'm already rather close to that person.

It kinda gets irritating, when you see people approach you, knowing that they want something out of you, and when they get it, they'll just leave you alone. I've seen that coming from you so many times, and I expect nothing more from you already. I know you'll just take it and leave me, I just know it, but I still give in to you. I'm not the one who needs to stop, you're the one. You're the one who needs to stop treating me like shit.

You're just being ridiculous here. =/

9 years 2 months

The fact that I remember that its been 9 years 2 months since we met shows how significant you've been in my life. No matter how short the time we spent together was, you still made a difference.

Honestly, for the 2 hours that we sat down there today, all I could think of was, "Wow, its been 9 years since we sat like that and actually talked to each other"

9 years, we've changed so much. But one thing never change, and that was me sitting there and thinking, "god, u're beautiful", and I don't even know why I find myself going into this state of mind whenever I see you, be it 9 years ago, or now.

For a while, it seemed like so much has happened, but sometimes, it just seemed like nothing's changed at all over the years, you telling me to eat up ur pizza cuz u can't finish it alone. Saying good bye to each other reminding me of that night outside CO room where we kept saying "byes" to each other cuz we both felt so happy just seeing each other that we didn't want to leave.

Many a times, I've asked myself, if I could go back in time, would there be anything I would change? And my answer was always the same, nothing. The fact that I met you, the fact that we got together, the fact that we broke up, all these made me the person I am today. And these are the things I would keep in my life cuz they were the things that shaped me. Of cuz, it would, or might, have been better if that last part of breaking up never happened, but still, it changed our lives. O well, at least it changed me.

Still, after 9 years, I just want to say, thank you, and I still love you, as someone who has made a difference in my life. The word love is easily thrown around, and it might seem that I still want to be together with her, but this love, its not about wanting to be together with her. Its about loving someone who has made a difference. Loving someone who has had an impact on your life. And she's probably someone I would never forget in the whole of my life.

Thank you, soohuey. (:

I only hope that people do not misunderstand this as some kind of romantic love.

wth

Seriously, what the hell. If showing concern is so much as an annoyance to you then maybe I shouldn't care anymore. To think I actually wouldn't mind helping you print if need be, but come to think of it, this help that I wanted to render would probably have been an annoyance to you anyway.

You have no idea how much I've been through, so stop saying things like these that make it seem as if it won't have any effect on me. Like wth. I've put it down so many times, my care for you, I've thrown it away, and put it back in my heart whenever you came back asking me for help. Seriously, when would this end? Its hurting me everytime you decide that this concern is an annoyance.

Really, you say I don't understand you, but how much do you understand about me?

Do you even know how much I've been suffering cuz of my inability to carry on my dreams, (getting back to running long dist, getting back to tkd). It already hurts me so much that I'm not able to do such things, and you're just adding on the list of things that hurt me.

This insomnia, it will never cure itself. This screwed up body clock, would eventually just end up screwing up my life. A life that's already pretty much screwed up, regardless of whether you were in it at all. My dreams were probably already ended the day I fell into that drain and broke my legs for life. =/

I was just a simple guy with a dream of running marathons, with a dream of getting good at TKD. Dreams, can be easily taken away, or perhaps, I shouldn't have dreamt at all.

I remember a few years back, I already told myself, that to dream is futile. What matters are goals. I don't even know how dreams crept back into my life, but it did.

But now, I'm just a man with no dreams, no ambitions. I'm weak in that sense, that I have no purpose in life.

四手联弹

Thinking of a melody for the midi project for SOM. Ended up looking through the songs I've written in the past, and chanced upon this gem. First of all, the melody for this was one of the better ones I had. And I thought the lyrics were really great.

Written in 2010, I was probably in year 1 sem 1. I can't even remember what happened back them already. All the memories are so vague right now. People coming and people going, sometimes, you just want to forget all these and start anew, leaving behind all those who have gone, and letting only those who care stay with you.

Its just that hard to let go? After all those times spent together, after caring so much for somebody, you just have to let go. Simply because the other party does not care anymore. No matter what you do, things won't go back to the way they were. Deep down inside, I know it, that this is it, I have to let go. But somehow, the slightly hopeful me still wishes for a miracle to happen, that somehow, I would be forgiven, and things would go back to normal. I know my mistakes, I know what I've done wrong, but knowing all these now are a bit too late, I guess? 

I wanted to talk about it, but there's just so many things catching up with me right now. FYP, insomnia, midi project, game project, final lab for openGL. Just so many things, so much stress, and the only way I'm letting all these stress out is by playing late into the night, slping for 4 hours, and get back up to start doing work again. Probably would have been better if there was someone there to talk to? Is it that hard to have someone to care for me?

Under all this facade of smiles that I put up in front of people everyday, is just one single fragile soul. I tend to act tough, but really, all I need is to have someone to talk to?

Sigh, what's worse is the fact that the only thing that kept me going throughout the sem was someone to talk to through the late night working. Now that she's gone, owell.. 

Yuan Ing, its really time to let go.

Whatever that made me write this line 3 years ago, its probably the same feeling as right now. "没有你陪在我身边四手联弹不再完美, 我只能一个人守着诺言"

And I saw this tweet, haha, couldn't be truer. "Me: I'm happy right now. Life: lol one sec"

Life just has its ways of making you live the unexpected. To think that 2 weeks ago, we were still chatting happily, and now its just Q&A sessions between us. sighh

And here's the song, directly copied from my song blog, tgt with the notes. =/

钢琴

望着那陈旧的钢琴
它的轮廓不禁让人觉得孤单
它曾经带给我们许多回忆
也随着音乐的声音而离去

放在钢琴上面的琴谱
五线谱上跳着一颗颗的豆芽
诉说着过去曾有过的甜蜜
却随着时间的流逝而淡去

钢琴上的黑键 就像是你我的爱
说少不少其实也并不算多
钢琴上的白键 就像是你的诺言
参差这的黑键 都是你的谎言

我想我已懂得 爱情不是一个人
就能够弹奏出的幸福旋律
没有你陪在我身边
四手联弹不再完美
我只能一个人守着诺言

我想我已懂得 孤单只是我一人
我的世界只剩下一种快乐
那是你给我的温柔
我会永远放在心中
我答应你我会永远守候
我给你的承诺

Notes: 你又不敢对她说出你的爱，那你又为何而流泪? 我只能一个人守着诺言.

I've been a jerk

And yes, I really think I've been one.

I let my stress took over me. I forgot what was important. I forgot the fact that at the start of all these, all I wanted was to make her happy. But cuz of stress, I ended up wanting her to listen to my troubles and stuff. Yes, I've been a jerk.

All these that I'm saying probably won't make a difference anymore, somehow, it just feels that this relationship has reached a point of no return. There's no going back, no matter how bad I want it, I know that somehow it has come to an end. There's probably no forgiving me for the things I've done.

But I just want to say sorry, for the last time, I'm truly apologetic.

4 years on

4 years on in my uni life.. Perhaps its time to spend this night and reflect upon it? After all, I doubt I would be able to sleep tonight. :/ (once again, and ppl still ask me why I'm always so tired.. and always falling sick)

nvm..let's do it another day, I don't even have the mood to type. :/