2015 was so shit that it made 2016 seem uneventful. Losing her, losing my 2 uncles, losing my grandma in the short space of nov/dec 2015 made that 2 month so much more impactful than 2016 was on my life.
Looking back on 2016, I don't see any major thing that I've done in my life that would actually change it in anyway. Maybe its the bore of life, the monotony of it. 2015 made me lose all meaning in life, and right now I'm just trying to look for that again.
And so I've decided, in 2017, screw all those new year resolutions.. There's only one thing that I really need to do and to repeatedly tell myself, treat yourself the best, more than what you've been giving to others.
I'm just sick, and tired of giving someone my all and getting shit in return. All lies. Why did I even bother opening up to you.
Sunday, January 01, 2017
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Been so long, and it'll go on for even longer
Been so long since I've last blogged. Just felt like saying something, to anyone. Perhaps its reading some random articles of people talking about love, finding the right person, being yourself.
Then I came to the realisation, I'll probably never fall in love ever again. As long as D continues to ignore me, I'll never be able to sort these feelings out.
1 year ago, I fell in love with the girl that I have loved and gave the most, up till this point in time.I gave my all, so much so that it burned out so fast for her, and within 4 months, she felt that there was too much commitment from me that she couldn't handle. She left me here, right there, where my heart was just left behind. I don't even know where that is now.
Every morning, I drive to work, looking at that empty seat beside me. The place that used to be hers (when we go out that is). The random moments that we just went out to grab a bite, catch a movie, sing some k.
The everyday morning greetings that we say to each other.
Its funny. From the first time we met at the beach camping, from that first "morning" you silently said to me when you woke up, we never stopped saying morning to each other every single day till the day you decided it was over. That moment in which I decided you were the one, just a simple "morning".
I don't know how to move on
I tried dating other girls, its just not the same.
The only person that can save me from this is probably you, but you're just not there for me anymore.
Never felt so lonely.
You can have friends, colleagues, family surrounding you, but when that one spot in your heart is void, it just doesn't feel the same.
1 year on, and I'm still here..
Then I came to the realisation, I'll probably never fall in love ever again. As long as D continues to ignore me, I'll never be able to sort these feelings out.
1 year ago, I fell in love with the girl that I have loved and gave the most, up till this point in time.I gave my all, so much so that it burned out so fast for her, and within 4 months, she felt that there was too much commitment from me that she couldn't handle. She left me here, right there, where my heart was just left behind. I don't even know where that is now.
Every morning, I drive to work, looking at that empty seat beside me. The place that used to be hers (when we go out that is). The random moments that we just went out to grab a bite, catch a movie, sing some k.
The everyday morning greetings that we say to each other.
Its funny. From the first time we met at the beach camping, from that first "morning" you silently said to me when you woke up, we never stopped saying morning to each other every single day till the day you decided it was over. That moment in which I decided you were the one, just a simple "morning".
I don't know how to move on
I tried dating other girls, its just not the same.
The only person that can save me from this is probably you, but you're just not there for me anymore.
Never felt so lonely.
You can have friends, colleagues, family surrounding you, but when that one spot in your heart is void, it just doesn't feel the same.
1 year on, and I'm still here..
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Funny
Its funny, how I used to enjoy doing things alone. Travelling alone, eating meals alone, watching movies alone, singing k alone. If given a choice right now, I would probably still enjoy doing all these alone anyway. And I thought it would have stayed that way for a long long time.
But really, it just hits you at the time you least expect it, with a person that you least expect it to be. Heck, I wasn't even expecting meeting anyone that would change my life. But 1 trip became 2, and 1 movie became 2. and 1 person, became 2 (hopefully).
才明白天要我等待一個人到來變成我唯一色彩
Maybe, she's the one, that will change my life? For once, in a very long time, I really really hope she's the one. The last time I had this feeling, well, it didn't really end well. So let's see where this brings me (us).
For once, I really enjoyed having someone to do all these things together. A laughter that's addictive, a smile that brightens up my day.
But really, it just hits you at the time you least expect it, with a person that you least expect it to be. Heck, I wasn't even expecting meeting anyone that would change my life. But 1 trip became 2, and 1 movie became 2. and 1 person, became 2 (hopefully).
才明白天要我等待一個人到來變成我唯一色彩
Maybe, she's the one, that will change my life? For once, in a very long time, I really really hope she's the one. The last time I had this feeling, well, it didn't really end well. So let's see where this brings me (us).
For once, I really enjoyed having someone to do all these things together. A laughter that's addictive, a smile that brightens up my day.
Monday, July 06, 2015
9pm, 2015, July, 6th.
Woke up from a very deep sleep, and just felt the need to blog.
Yeap, its that kind of feeling again. How do you describe it? Emptiness?
Its the feeling that I get whenever I'm back from travelling. There's nothing here for me. There's nothing at all. Not Singapore, not hong kong, not anywhere. Maybe its the wanderlust working against me. I can only feel a sense of excitement when I'm travelling, and seeing new things.
This monotonous life is killing me, slowly, little by little. Even if I try to hide from the fact that it is, deep down I know its something I can't run away from. Its a void, that's just getting bigger and bigger as the days go by.
Where and when does one exactly find happiness? And how do I define happiness?
Some things felt so close to being happiness but somehow it just feels that I've not done enough to grab hold of it. Too many times, I was afraid of losing something, but I end up losing it anyway because of this fear of losing.
The need to say something, to let it be known. I just can't bring myself to say those words out, even though she's right there in front of me. I couldn't. And before you know it, she's gone.
I always say I don't regret anything, but somehow, this time round, for the first time, I'm regretting it.
Woke up from a very deep sleep, and just felt the need to blog.
Yeap, its that kind of feeling again. How do you describe it? Emptiness?
Its the feeling that I get whenever I'm back from travelling. There's nothing here for me. There's nothing at all. Not Singapore, not hong kong, not anywhere. Maybe its the wanderlust working against me. I can only feel a sense of excitement when I'm travelling, and seeing new things.
This monotonous life is killing me, slowly, little by little. Even if I try to hide from the fact that it is, deep down I know its something I can't run away from. Its a void, that's just getting bigger and bigger as the days go by.
Where and when does one exactly find happiness? And how do I define happiness?
Some things felt so close to being happiness but somehow it just feels that I've not done enough to grab hold of it. Too many times, I was afraid of losing something, but I end up losing it anyway because of this fear of losing.
The need to say something, to let it be known. I just can't bring myself to say those words out, even though she's right there in front of me. I couldn't. And before you know it, she's gone.
I always say I don't regret anything, but somehow, this time round, for the first time, I'm regretting it.
Saturday, November 01, 2014
I hate losing
As a child, I hated losing. I never liked it. Be it during taekwondo matches, or even the one speed typing competition where i got 2nd place, I never liked it. Losing always gave me a weird anger, of myself. Sometimes I wallow in self pity, but most of the time, I'm just angry at myself for not being able to do better.
Then I started losing, alot. I lost the ability to use my legs as freely as I used to from that accident in sec 2. I couldn't kick as I used to, I couldn't do the things I used to love. I somewhat recovered, but it was never the same. And I stopped tkd cuz of studies, because I didn't want to lose in studies too.
Then I lost what I thought was the most important bond I had back then, and a second one after that. And I never seemed to get back up.
To others, I mostly looked like my normal self, just jokingly smiling away. But like always, I just hide it away. The feelings, my weakness. I didn't want others to see the weak side of me. I seldom do.
Only a few times, I let others in to see that weak side of mine, because I wanted them to understand, because a part of me wants to be heard. But perhaps I've been letting the wrong people see this weak side of mine. Its either they don't care, or they chose to exploit it, and I end up getting hurt even more.
This time round, I thought it was all going to be fine, I could be back to what I love doing. But no, that had to happen. Was it my fault? Partially. I probably didn't need to go all out. But what the heck, what's done been done. Perhaps it wasn't meant to be in the first place, that this wasn't a path for me, and I was just trying too hard to cling onto something I should have let go back when I first injured my legs.
Right now, I'm just lost. zero direction. I need to have an 'F5' button in my life to refresh all these.
October.. You have not been a good month.
Then I started losing, alot. I lost the ability to use my legs as freely as I used to from that accident in sec 2. I couldn't kick as I used to, I couldn't do the things I used to love. I somewhat recovered, but it was never the same. And I stopped tkd cuz of studies, because I didn't want to lose in studies too.
Then I lost what I thought was the most important bond I had back then, and a second one after that. And I never seemed to get back up.
To others, I mostly looked like my normal self, just jokingly smiling away. But like always, I just hide it away. The feelings, my weakness. I didn't want others to see the weak side of me. I seldom do.
Only a few times, I let others in to see that weak side of mine, because I wanted them to understand, because a part of me wants to be heard. But perhaps I've been letting the wrong people see this weak side of mine. Its either they don't care, or they chose to exploit it, and I end up getting hurt even more.
This time round, I thought it was all going to be fine, I could be back to what I love doing. But no, that had to happen. Was it my fault? Partially. I probably didn't need to go all out. But what the heck, what's done been done. Perhaps it wasn't meant to be in the first place, that this wasn't a path for me, and I was just trying too hard to cling onto something I should have let go back when I first injured my legs.
Right now, I'm just lost. zero direction. I need to have an 'F5' button in my life to refresh all these.
October.. You have not been a good month.
Saturday, September 06, 2014
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Confusion
I have never been so confused for such a long time. I thought I was very sure about my feelings. Or rather I was very sure that there were no feelings at all. But somehow, somewhere, those feelings that I thought were gone, were just hiding somewhere waiting for it all to come out. I really have no idea what to do with what I'm feeling right now.
Is this even right?
I.. don't really know. On one hand, its something that I've always wanted, and only till recently that I thought maybe it wasn't meant to be. On the other hand, its something that brought me out of monotony in my work life, something that I thought I wouldn't find. Is it wrong to think that I want to keep both at my side? I guess it is.
Of course, I can just tell myself, go for one, and if that fails, there's always a back-up. But what the heck, I'm not like that. I shouldn't be like that. So until I can actually find out how I truly feel, I shouldn't be doing anything about it, even if it felt like the right moment to do anything, it probably won't be, because of everything else that's happening.
It has never been so confusing, but now it is.
Is this even right?
I.. don't really know. On one hand, its something that I've always wanted, and only till recently that I thought maybe it wasn't meant to be. On the other hand, its something that brought me out of monotony in my work life, something that I thought I wouldn't find. Is it wrong to think that I want to keep both at my side? I guess it is.
Of course, I can just tell myself, go for one, and if that fails, there's always a back-up. But what the heck, I'm not like that. I shouldn't be like that. So until I can actually find out how I truly feel, I shouldn't be doing anything about it, even if it felt like the right moment to do anything, it probably won't be, because of everything else that's happening.
It has never been so confusing, but now it is.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Hello World
There are just too many things I want to pursue in life right now. Only after graduating, do I realise there are so many things that I really wanted. That TKD blackbelt, that 10 marathon target, that continued love in percussion, more knowledge in computing (Masters & PhD), a job that can contribute to the gaming community (or even an own start-up).
Is it too late to start? No, I honestly don't think so. But "Hello World", everything needs to start from somewhere. I've already started on all the "Hello World"s for all that's mentioned above, now is just about keeping up to the commitment.
Perhaps that's why, at this point in time in my life, I would say, I have zero interest in love at all. Even if it comes knocking on my door, I might not even go for it. And that's why, I've not gone after that one girl whom I thought was so important. Yes, she is still important to me, but when I'm not as important to her as she is to me, perhaps, its time to let go, and its something that I should have done so long ago.
Hello World, everything needs to start form somewhere.
Is it too late to start? No, I honestly don't think so. But "Hello World", everything needs to start from somewhere. I've already started on all the "Hello World"s for all that's mentioned above, now is just about keeping up to the commitment.
Perhaps that's why, at this point in time in my life, I would say, I have zero interest in love at all. Even if it comes knocking on my door, I might not even go for it. And that's why, I've not gone after that one girl whom I thought was so important. Yes, she is still important to me, but when I'm not as important to her as she is to me, perhaps, its time to let go, and its something that I should have done so long ago.
Hello World, everything needs to start form somewhere.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
cuz it takes 2 hands to clap
A few months back, a part of me was telling me that perhaps its time for closure, while a part of me held back.
But right now, as August is coming to an end, I guess its the time to put a closure on this. I've already tried my best, but this is a situation which takes two hands to clap. I tried to be there, but what for, when I'm just not as significant to her as she is to me?
Broken promises, or rather, things that are forgotten, I don't see the point anymore. The things I wish for, ultimately don't result in happiness for me, as things are right now.
I only wished for your best, but never for mine. It's time I think for myself I guess. So it's time to let go.
But right now, as August is coming to an end, I guess its the time to put a closure on this. I've already tried my best, but this is a situation which takes two hands to clap. I tried to be there, but what for, when I'm just not as significant to her as she is to me?
Broken promises, or rather, things that are forgotten, I don't see the point anymore. The things I wish for, ultimately don't result in happiness for me, as things are right now.
I only wished for your best, but never for mine. It's time I think for myself I guess. So it's time to let go.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
well
well, what I should have done? I should have told her how I felt instead of hiding away my true feelings and saying I never and will never like her. I mean, what was wrong with me? Why can't I just be true to myself, and be true to her? Why can't I just tell her how much she means to me? Why do I keep making her angry at me? Why can't I just show her how much I truly care instead of coming up with crap to hide the fact that I really really truly care about her. Why can't I just tell her I love her. :/
Man, I'm just.. sigh
Man, I'm just.. sigh
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
How do you say what's in your heart?
I have no idea. I pretty much lost touch with communicating my thoughts across to people whom I care about.
And you're one of them. I even went as far as saying I have things to tell you, but I just seem to choke on my words when its time to say them.
Guess the grad trip would give me some time to think about all these stuff, whether this is really what I want for us, or is it okay just to remain as friends. I'll have one month to think about that, at least.
So yeah, till then, I won't say anything to you, probably. And let my mind sort out whether you're as important to me as my heart feels.
And you're one of them. I even went as far as saying I have things to tell you, but I just seem to choke on my words when its time to say them.
Guess the grad trip would give me some time to think about all these stuff, whether this is really what I want for us, or is it okay just to remain as friends. I'll have one month to think about that, at least.
So yeah, till then, I won't say anything to you, probably. And let my mind sort out whether you're as important to me as my heart feels.
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
all the same
People are all the same right?
Acting all nice to you when they have something to ask of you. Going "hey bro" when they need that dota 2 invite. Talking nicely to you when they need your help.
I can't say I'm not guilty of such acts, but I don't do it so often cuz most of the time I'm the one helping people. And I hardly ask people for help, and even if I do, its cuz I'm already rather close to that person.
It kinda gets irritating, when you see people approach you, knowing that they want something out of you, and when they get it, they'll just leave you alone. I've seen that coming from you so many times, and I expect nothing more from you already. I know you'll just take it and leave me, I just know it, but I still give in to you. I'm not the one who needs to stop, you're the one. You're the one who needs to stop treating me like shit.
You're just being ridiculous here. =/
Acting all nice to you when they have something to ask of you. Going "hey bro" when they need that dota 2 invite. Talking nicely to you when they need your help.
I can't say I'm not guilty of such acts, but I don't do it so often cuz most of the time I'm the one helping people. And I hardly ask people for help, and even if I do, its cuz I'm already rather close to that person.
It kinda gets irritating, when you see people approach you, knowing that they want something out of you, and when they get it, they'll just leave you alone. I've seen that coming from you so many times, and I expect nothing more from you already. I know you'll just take it and leave me, I just know it, but I still give in to you. I'm not the one who needs to stop, you're the one. You're the one who needs to stop treating me like shit.
You're just being ridiculous here. =/
Monday, May 06, 2013
9 years 2 months
The fact that I remember that its been 9 years 2 months since we met shows how significant you've been in my life. No matter how short the time we spent together was, you still made a difference.
Honestly, for the 2 hours that we sat down there today, all I could think of was, "Wow, its been 9 years since we sat like that and actually talked to each other"
9 years, we've changed so much. But one thing never change, and that was me sitting there and thinking, "god, u're beautiful", and I don't even know why I find myself going into this state of mind whenever I see you, be it 9 years ago, or now.
For a while, it seemed like so much has happened, but sometimes, it just seemed like nothing's changed at all over the years, you telling me to eat up ur pizza cuz u can't finish it alone. Saying good bye to each other reminding me of that night outside CO room where we kept saying "byes" to each other cuz we both felt so happy just seeing each other that we didn't want to leave.
Many a times, I've asked myself, if I could go back in time, would there be anything I would change? And my answer was always the same, nothing. The fact that I met you, the fact that we got together, the fact that we broke up, all these made me the person I am today. And these are the things I would keep in my life cuz they were the things that shaped me. Of cuz, it would, or might, have been better if that last part of breaking up never happened, but still, it changed our lives. O well, at least it changed me.
Still, after 9 years, I just want to say, thank you, and I still love you, as someone who has made a difference in my life. The word love is easily thrown around, and it might seem that I still want to be together with her, but this love, its not about wanting to be together with her. Its about loving someone who has made a difference. Loving someone who has had an impact on your life. And she's probably someone I would never forget in the whole of my life.
Thank you, soohuey. (:
I only hope that people do not misunderstand this as some kind of romantic love.
Honestly, for the 2 hours that we sat down there today, all I could think of was, "Wow, its been 9 years since we sat like that and actually talked to each other"
9 years, we've changed so much. But one thing never change, and that was me sitting there and thinking, "god, u're beautiful", and I don't even know why I find myself going into this state of mind whenever I see you, be it 9 years ago, or now.
For a while, it seemed like so much has happened, but sometimes, it just seemed like nothing's changed at all over the years, you telling me to eat up ur pizza cuz u can't finish it alone. Saying good bye to each other reminding me of that night outside CO room where we kept saying "byes" to each other cuz we both felt so happy just seeing each other that we didn't want to leave.
Many a times, I've asked myself, if I could go back in time, would there be anything I would change? And my answer was always the same, nothing. The fact that I met you, the fact that we got together, the fact that we broke up, all these made me the person I am today. And these are the things I would keep in my life cuz they were the things that shaped me. Of cuz, it would, or might, have been better if that last part of breaking up never happened, but still, it changed our lives. O well, at least it changed me.
Still, after 9 years, I just want to say, thank you, and I still love you, as someone who has made a difference in my life. The word love is easily thrown around, and it might seem that I still want to be together with her, but this love, its not about wanting to be together with her. Its about loving someone who has made a difference. Loving someone who has had an impact on your life. And she's probably someone I would never forget in the whole of my life.
Thank you, soohuey. (:
I only hope that people do not misunderstand this as some kind of romantic love.
Thursday, May 02, 2013
wth
Seriously, what the hell. If showing concern is so much as an annoyance to you then maybe I shouldn't care anymore. To think I actually wouldn't mind helping you print if need be, but come to think of it, this help that I wanted to render would probably have been an annoyance to you anyway.
You have no idea how much I've been through, so stop saying things like these that make it seem as if it won't have any effect on me. Like wth. I've put it down so many times, my care for you, I've thrown it away, and put it back in my heart whenever you came back asking me for help. Seriously, when would this end? Its hurting me everytime you decide that this concern is an annoyance.
Really, you say I don't understand you, but how much do you understand about me?
Do you even know how much I've been suffering cuz of my inability to carry on my dreams, (getting back to running long dist, getting back to tkd). It already hurts me so much that I'm not able to do such things, and you're just adding on the list of things that hurt me.
This insomnia, it will never cure itself. This screwed up body clock, would eventually just end up screwing up my life. A life that's already pretty much screwed up, regardless of whether you were in it at all. My dreams were probably already ended the day I fell into that drain and broke my legs for life. =/
I was just a simple guy with a dream of running marathons, with a dream of getting good at TKD. Dreams, can be easily taken away, or perhaps, I shouldn't have dreamt at all.
I remember a few years back, I already told myself, that to dream is futile. What matters are goals. I don't even know how dreams crept back into my life, but it did.
But now, I'm just a man with no dreams, no ambitions. I'm weak in that sense, that I have no purpose in life.
You have no idea how much I've been through, so stop saying things like these that make it seem as if it won't have any effect on me. Like wth. I've put it down so many times, my care for you, I've thrown it away, and put it back in my heart whenever you came back asking me for help. Seriously, when would this end? Its hurting me everytime you decide that this concern is an annoyance.
Really, you say I don't understand you, but how much do you understand about me?
Do you even know how much I've been suffering cuz of my inability to carry on my dreams, (getting back to running long dist, getting back to tkd). It already hurts me so much that I'm not able to do such things, and you're just adding on the list of things that hurt me.
This insomnia, it will never cure itself. This screwed up body clock, would eventually just end up screwing up my life. A life that's already pretty much screwed up, regardless of whether you were in it at all. My dreams were probably already ended the day I fell into that drain and broke my legs for life. =/
I was just a simple guy with a dream of running marathons, with a dream of getting good at TKD. Dreams, can be easily taken away, or perhaps, I shouldn't have dreamt at all.
I remember a few years back, I already told myself, that to dream is futile. What matters are goals. I don't even know how dreams crept back into my life, but it did.
But now, I'm just a man with no dreams, no ambitions. I'm weak in that sense, that I have no purpose in life.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
四手联弹
Thinking of a melody for the midi project for SOM. Ended up looking through the songs I've written in the past, and chanced upon this gem. First of all, the melody for this was one of the better ones I had. And I thought the lyrics were really great.
Written in 2010, I was probably in year 1 sem 1. I can't even remember what happened back them already. All the memories are so vague right now. People coming and people going, sometimes, you just want to forget all these and start anew, leaving behind all those who have gone, and letting only those who care stay with you.
Its just that hard to let go? After all those times spent together, after caring so much for somebody, you just have to let go. Simply because the other party does not care anymore. No matter what you do, things won't go back to the way they were. Deep down inside, I know it, that this is it, I have to let go. But somehow, the slightly hopeful me still wishes for a miracle to happen, that somehow, I would be forgiven, and things would go back to normal. I know my mistakes, I know what I've done wrong, but knowing all these now are a bit too late, I guess?
I wanted to talk about it, but there's just so many things catching up with me right now. FYP, insomnia, midi project, game project, final lab for openGL. Just so many things, so much stress, and the only way I'm letting all these stress out is by playing late into the night, slping for 4 hours, and get back up to start doing work again. Probably would have been better if there was someone there to talk to? Is it that hard to have someone to care for me?
Under all this facade of smiles that I put up in front of people everyday, is just one single fragile soul. I tend to act tough, but really, all I need is to have someone to talk to?
Sigh, what's worse is the fact that the only thing that kept me going throughout the sem was someone to talk to through the late night working. Now that she's gone, owell..
Yuan Ing, its really time to let go.
Whatever that made me write this line 3 years ago, its probably the same feeling as right now. "没有你陪在我身边四手联弹不再完美, 我只能一个人守着诺言"
And I saw this tweet, haha, couldn't be truer. "Me: I'm happy right now. Life: lol one sec"
Life just has its ways of making you live the unexpected. To think that 2 weeks ago, we were still chatting happily, and now its just Q&A sessions between us. sighh
And here's the song, directly copied from my song blog, tgt with the notes. =/
钢琴
望着那陈旧的钢琴
它的轮廓不禁让人觉得孤单
它曾经带给我们许多回忆
也随着音乐的声音而离去
放在钢琴上面的琴谱
五线谱上跳着一颗颗的豆芽
诉说着过去曾有过的甜蜜
却随着时间的流逝而淡去
钢琴上的黑键 就像是你我的爱
说少不少其实也并不算多
钢琴上的白键 就像是你的诺言
参差这的黑键 都是你的谎言
我想我已懂得 爱情不是一个人
就能够弹奏出的幸福旋律
没有你陪在我身边
四手联弹不再完美
我只能一个人守着诺言
我想我已懂得 孤单只是我一人
我的世界只剩下一种快乐
那是你给我的温柔
我会永远放在心中
我答应你我会永远守候
我给你的承诺
Notes: 你又不敢对她说出你的爱，那你又为何而流泪? 我只能一个人守着诺言.
Written in 2010, I was probably in year 1 sem 1. I can't even remember what happened back them already. All the memories are so vague right now. People coming and people going, sometimes, you just want to forget all these and start anew, leaving behind all those who have gone, and letting only those who care stay with you.
Its just that hard to let go? After all those times spent together, after caring so much for somebody, you just have to let go. Simply because the other party does not care anymore. No matter what you do, things won't go back to the way they were. Deep down inside, I know it, that this is it, I have to let go. But somehow, the slightly hopeful me still wishes for a miracle to happen, that somehow, I would be forgiven, and things would go back to normal. I know my mistakes, I know what I've done wrong, but knowing all these now are a bit too late, I guess?
I wanted to talk about it, but there's just so many things catching up with me right now. FYP, insomnia, midi project, game project, final lab for openGL. Just so many things, so much stress, and the only way I'm letting all these stress out is by playing late into the night, slping for 4 hours, and get back up to start doing work again. Probably would have been better if there was someone there to talk to? Is it that hard to have someone to care for me?
Under all this facade of smiles that I put up in front of people everyday, is just one single fragile soul. I tend to act tough, but really, all I need is to have someone to talk to?
Sigh, what's worse is the fact that the only thing that kept me going throughout the sem was someone to talk to through the late night working. Now that she's gone, owell..
Yuan Ing, its really time to let go.
Whatever that made me write this line 3 years ago, its probably the same feeling as right now. "没有你陪在我身边四手联弹不再完美, 我只能一个人守着诺言"
And I saw this tweet, haha, couldn't be truer. "Me: I'm happy right now. Life: lol one sec"
Life just has its ways of making you live the unexpected. To think that 2 weeks ago, we were still chatting happily, and now its just Q&A sessions between us. sighh
And here's the song, directly copied from my song blog, tgt with the notes. =/
钢琴
望着那陈旧的钢琴
它的轮廓不禁让人觉得孤单
它曾经带给我们许多回忆
也随着音乐的声音而离去
放在钢琴上面的琴谱
五线谱上跳着一颗颗的豆芽
诉说着过去曾有过的甜蜜
却随着时间的流逝而淡去
钢琴上的黑键 就像是你我的爱
说少不少其实也并不算多
钢琴上的白键 就像是你的诺言
参差这的黑键 都是你的谎言
我想我已懂得 爱情不是一个人
就能够弹奏出的幸福旋律
没有你陪在我身边
四手联弹不再完美
我只能一个人守着诺言
我想我已懂得 孤单只是我一人
我的世界只剩下一种快乐
那是你给我的温柔
我会永远放在心中
我答应你我会永远守候
我给你的承诺
Notes: 你又不敢对她说出你的爱，那你又为何而流泪? 我只能一个人守着诺言.
Friday, April 12, 2013
I've been a jerk
And yes, I really think I've been one.
I let my stress took over me. I forgot what was important. I forgot the fact that at the start of all these, all I wanted was to make her happy. But cuz of stress, I ended up wanting her to listen to my troubles and stuff. Yes, I've been a jerk.
All these that I'm saying probably won't make a difference anymore, somehow, it just feels that this relationship has reached a point of no return. There's no going back, no matter how bad I want it, I know that somehow it has come to an end. There's probably no forgiving me for the things I've done.
But I just want to say sorry, for the last time, I'm truly apologetic.
I let my stress took over me. I forgot what was important. I forgot the fact that at the start of all these, all I wanted was to make her happy. But cuz of stress, I ended up wanting her to listen to my troubles and stuff. Yes, I've been a jerk.
All these that I'm saying probably won't make a difference anymore, somehow, it just feels that this relationship has reached a point of no return. There's no going back, no matter how bad I want it, I know that somehow it has come to an end. There's probably no forgiving me for the things I've done.
But I just want to say sorry, for the last time, I'm truly apologetic.
Sunday, April 07, 2013
4 years on
4 years on in my uni life.. Perhaps its time to spend this night and reflect upon it? After all, I doubt I would be able to sleep tonight. :/ (once again, and ppl still ask me why I'm always so tired.. and always falling sick)
nvm..let's do it another day, I don't even have the mood to type. :/
nvm..let's do it another day, I don't even have the mood to type. :/
Letting go, its probably the hardest thing to do
Why do I even hold on to it? Something that I know won't exist as long as I want hope it would last. Its just like what I told myself at the end of last sem.. Why do I still cling on to this?
"its stupid, how I'm not willing to take that extra step, to be happier than I already am, cuz I'm not willing to risk whatever that I have right now, whatever that's diminishing. Since its going to go away anyway, why am I still not willing to risk it all and go for it? It sucks to fall in love with a friend, I just hope this would be the last. =/"
Well, one thing I know for sure its how it's diminished. But why do I still care? No matter how much I tell my friends, that "well, I don't really care" OR "what she does doesn't really affect me that much". At the end of the day, my actions say otherwise. There's always the part of me that cares.
Need to carry a heavy textbook? Well, why not, I organise a last minute mahjong so that I can be in that area the next morning to pick her up? -checked-
Throat not feeling well? Well, why not, I get down a few stops earlier to buy that liang teh and walk to sch after that..And stay at career fair far longer than I had expected to (even after already visiting almost all the booths), just to pass it to her? -checked-
There's so many things I've done. Of course its deliberate. But its just the way I care.
But we all knew this would happen, didn't we? It was written for the future already.
That once everything was done and dusted, the problems that were always there would always surface in the end.
No matter how much I tell myself that it doesn't matter if the feelings are mutual, I'll still care for u, at the end of the day, the fact that its not mutual would only turn back and hurt me that much.
It has come down to that once again, the more I care, the more I feel hurt. But the less I care, the fact that I've cared so much before would just turn back and hurt me.
I was so close to letting go last sem, but you came back and made me care for you. Now that you don't need me anymore, you're just attempting to break that care I have for you. I should have just let go, at least it wouldn't hurt me this much now.
I dun even know if you're reading this. If you are, I guess its even better, that you know how I feel. If not, I just hope this pain will slowly find a way out of my heart, together with all that care I have for u. Its alot, but time will eventually bring all these away.. :/
"its stupid, how I'm not willing to take that extra step, to be happier than I already am, cuz I'm not willing to risk whatever that I have right now, whatever that's diminishing. Since its going to go away anyway, why am I still not willing to risk it all and go for it? It sucks to fall in love with a friend, I just hope this would be the last. =/"
Well, one thing I know for sure its how it's diminished. But why do I still care? No matter how much I tell my friends, that "well, I don't really care" OR "what she does doesn't really affect me that much". At the end of the day, my actions say otherwise. There's always the part of me that cares.
Need to carry a heavy textbook? Well, why not, I organise a last minute mahjong so that I can be in that area the next morning to pick her up? -checked-
Throat not feeling well? Well, why not, I get down a few stops earlier to buy that liang teh and walk to sch after that..And stay at career fair far longer than I had expected to (even after already visiting almost all the booths), just to pass it to her? -checked-
There's so many things I've done. Of course its deliberate. But its just the way I care.
But we all knew this would happen, didn't we? It was written for the future already.
That once everything was done and dusted, the problems that were always there would always surface in the end.
No matter how much I tell myself that it doesn't matter if the feelings are mutual, I'll still care for u, at the end of the day, the fact that its not mutual would only turn back and hurt me that much.
It has come down to that once again, the more I care, the more I feel hurt. But the less I care, the fact that I've cared so much before would just turn back and hurt me.
I was so close to letting go last sem, but you came back and made me care for you. Now that you don't need me anymore, you're just attempting to break that care I have for you. I should have just let go, at least it wouldn't hurt me this much now.
I dun even know if you're reading this. If you are, I guess its even better, that you know how I feel. If not, I just hope this pain will slowly find a way out of my heart, together with all that care I have for u. Its alot, but time will eventually bring all these away.. :/
Tuesday, April 02, 2013
so...
This is what happens eh?
Firstly, I was asked not to talk like everyday..k, checked. That's what I did.
Then you decided that you needed help, so you happily came talking to me, cuz you know, and I know, that given the kind of person I was, I would gladly oblige. So, we started talking like everyday..
Now everything's over, no more help needed, and you just tell me not to talk to you everyday. Well done. Good job. There when you need, toss aside when you don't feel like it.
Its alright. Cuz you know what? I'll still be here if you need me, but it probably won't be the same again anymore.
I'm sick of feeling sad for these kinda things already. Making my eyes sore cuz of holding back tears. Making me stay up and just stone away cuz it saps away all kinds of motivation or mood for me to work on my FYP.
All I want is just for someone to be there for me to talk to, for me to de-stress while I chiong the last lap of my FYP. Pretty much similar to what I did for you when you needed me. But now we turn things around, I find myself sitting here alone, staring at the word document titled "Final Thesis". With the facebook tab on, knowing fully well that the fb msging sounds won't keep coming like they did previously. Cuz I was there for you, but you're not here for me. =/
I know I always say I don't expect anything in return for the help I offer to people. And yes, a thank you would suffice. But this, I guess its a bit too much for me to handle.. When my friends told me that it feels like you're using me, I told them "no, u dun uds her well enough." ..But after what you said about me not understanding you? Maybe..ya..even after all the things we've been through, I still can't say I fully understand you, and perhaps all I ever knew was what was going on with your FYP.
But I still want to believe that what I thought of you in the first place was right, and my friends are wrong... But ur actions are just... I don't even know why that after being sad cuz of u, I still choose to believe and trust in you.. =/
Firstly, I was asked not to talk like everyday..k, checked. That's what I did.
Then you decided that you needed help, so you happily came talking to me, cuz you know, and I know, that given the kind of person I was, I would gladly oblige. So, we started talking like everyday..
Now everything's over, no more help needed, and you just tell me not to talk to you everyday. Well done. Good job. There when you need, toss aside when you don't feel like it.
Its alright. Cuz you know what? I'll still be here if you need me, but it probably won't be the same again anymore.
I'm sick of feeling sad for these kinda things already. Making my eyes sore cuz of holding back tears. Making me stay up and just stone away cuz it saps away all kinds of motivation or mood for me to work on my FYP.
All I want is just for someone to be there for me to talk to, for me to de-stress while I chiong the last lap of my FYP. Pretty much similar to what I did for you when you needed me. But now we turn things around, I find myself sitting here alone, staring at the word document titled "Final Thesis". With the facebook tab on, knowing fully well that the fb msging sounds won't keep coming like they did previously. Cuz I was there for you, but you're not here for me. =/
I know I always say I don't expect anything in return for the help I offer to people. And yes, a thank you would suffice. But this, I guess its a bit too much for me to handle.. When my friends told me that it feels like you're using me, I told them "no, u dun uds her well enough." ..But after what you said about me not understanding you? Maybe..ya..even after all the things we've been through, I still can't say I fully understand you, and perhaps all I ever knew was what was going on with your FYP.
But I still want to believe that what I thought of you in the first place was right, and my friends are wrong... But ur actions are just... I don't even know why that after being sad cuz of u, I still choose to believe and trust in you.. =/
Sunday, March 31, 2013
hmmm
Seriously, i'm just so tired from all this. Not slping for the whole night..Not having any motivation when it comes to FYP.
Why does it have to happen this way? Its like, everything that's happened so far, just ended with a snap. Just cuz I said something wrong. Just cuz I couldn't control my emotions..
I'm really very tired already.
And the only thing that's keeping me alive? Cuz I don't wanna see my parents cry that's all. :/
No mood.
Why does it have to happen this way? Its like, everything that's happened so far, just ended with a snap. Just cuz I said something wrong. Just cuz I couldn't control my emotions..
I'm really very tired already.
And the only thing that's keeping me alive? Cuz I don't wanna see my parents cry that's all. :/
No mood.
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