Sigh

有你真好

Popped up on the radio while driving back from a night of coding. Sigh

And then I just sat in my car waiting for the song to finish before getting off, at the same time, thinking, of how lonely it is to be the only one coding for my FYP. :/

I mean, for the razer project, there's kenneth to code tgt with.

For the gaming projects, there's always groupmates around to code tgt with, plus how this group really suits my coding style, cuz of the similar way of thinking through coding and stuff.

But for FYP, I'm all alone I guess. There's no one to turn to when I need help. The profs have no idea how to code an android app. I don't have a mentor. The ST Microelectronics people have no idea how to connect their device with an Android App (which is why I detest going to ST to work, but I guess, if I have no choice, then that would be where I end up). What's worse, my so-called groupmate doesn't seem to be doing anything, yet she's asking me for codes and stuff. I mean, hey, why ask me for my codes, when you're not gonna do anything about it? I asked her to help me figure out the connection problem, and guess what's the reply? "I have no knowledge on coding for Android, nor java."

Man, I mean. Don't come to me with that bullshit. This is a freaking FYP. At least put in some effort? I had close to zero knowledge before coming up with the App and stuff. Don't come up with bullshit like having no knowledge.

There's ppl like Mich who started off on her FYP with zero knowledge, and picked up all the necessary skills along the way. I don't see why this bitch can't even put in a freaking bit of effort to get some work done. 

Sigh, at least Mich wasn't alone when she was coding? Had her mentor to ask. Had me around to help out. :/

And for me? I'm just alone in this vast ocean of codes, trying to find that single line of code that can help me out in my App.

Sometimes, I feel like just breaking down. In fact, I think I'm close to that right now. I need to talk to someone, but with everyone so busy, the only way to let this emotion out is to just blog it out for now. Sigh.

How I wish there was someone here, where I could just tell that person, "有你真好"

How I Met Your Mother

Heh, weird dreams are definitely weird.

I dreamt of this dream where I was telling my kids (woah, I doubt I'll get married considering my forever-alone-nature, but whatever, its just a dream) how I met their mother.

The dream's starting's still kinda fresh in my memory though I seemed to have forgotten most of the later parts.

The dream started off with me walking around the house, looking at photos of myself, apparently I was a successful businessman & I've gotten my tkd blackbelt (woots! time to go back to tkd). Then my kids came back, 2 kids. I still remember their names, cuz I was quite surprised that they're called that, Michael and Maxene.

:/

Then I made them sat down, and told them the story of HIMYM. Starting from my first love like Ted did. =.= Then blah blah, and blah blah. What really inked on my memory was me telling them, "On the May of 20xx, I met your mother. It was love at first sight, but I didn't tell anyone, I pretended that I liked someone else, so that people wouldn't know how I truly felt. Maybe its cuz of how much I was hurt previously, so I didn't dare to reveal my true feelings..."

And blah blah..

That was pretty much everything I could remember. but owell...

Sigh

"你不认为我这样子一直在利用你很自私吗?"

 只要你开心就好。

I ask myself

Sometimes I ask myself. What's the point of all these?

What am I to you? Just someone you talk to when you need help?

Its the kind of helplessness you feel when the person's more impt to you than you are to her.

Maybe I shld just follow the standard advice, don't treat someone as a priority when you don't mean anything to that person at all.

Seriously, too many times, in the past one year, that I've put her in the priority, but to her, it just feels to me that I'm not that impt at all. It sucks to feel this way.

And its CNY again. Why is it that during this Feb period, somehow or rather, there'll be things that happen that deprive me of the festive mood. Last year, it was that unnecessary message on CNY eve, and this time round, its just the kind of shit feeling.

What am I to you?

The balance of care

Slowly but surely, I'm learning how to handle this balance of caring for someone.

When caring makes it hurt so much cuz of how unappreciated you feel, you just have to let it go a bit. And its hurts less to care, go on, and do what you need to do.

Its like kiting, something that I find it so hard to learn, be it in real life kiting, or DotA2 kiting, or relationships. You'll just have to find a right balance, so that you won't let go. Let lose, but don't let go. Keep your hands on the reins, but never control. Okay, kiting is a bad example. But yeah. I've still got much to learn.

At least it doesn't hurt that much now when I feel unappreciated. I'm kinda getting used to the fact that I'm only being approached when help is needed, only being talked to when I'm needed to do something. It makes me feel fucked up all over. Like, I'm being screwed just cuz I decided to be nice no matter what. Well, a life of being made use of, I guess its my own fault I'm too used to it. And I never know when to pull myself out of these kind of things till I get really really hurt by the people that I care about.

Once again, I've found myself falling back into the same hole I climbed out from after end of last sem.

The shit i put myself into

This sem, its gonna be one hell of a sem for me, at least programming-wise. 4 languages with a potential 5th coming up, I just wonder how I'm gonna cope with it. Being behind schedule for my FYP sure hurts alot cuz I have to put in alot more effort now, but well, its not really my fault that this team-mate of mine hogs the bloody device that's so essential to my coding. =/ This is what happens when only one person in the team knows how to code, its almost like I'm doing the job of two people, I might as well have taken up this FYP on my own. Sometimes, I just regret signing up for this competition. I mean, I knew I had to work with someone else for my FYP, but this, well, this is pure shit.

At the very least, helping Mich with her coding for the past few weeks has got me slightly accustomed to C++ coding, and even managed to read up some stuff for openGL. That's probably why I've been so helpful when it comes to helping her out with the coding? =/ But anyways, hopefully this brushing up on C++ knowledge would help a lot in my razer competition.

Then there's the actionscript 3.0 to worry about. I did use this language in the last sem, but I would say I only used like 1% of what actionscript 3.0 has to offer. And I'm far from being proficient. Considering how I normally take only 2 weeks to be proficient at a language, I hope the clash of programming languages in my brain wouldn't affect the speed at which I learn actionscript.

This sem, its either gonna kill me, or bring the best out of me. And I certainly hope its the latter. Be it studies wise or personal life wise, I hope everything would go well.

Oh, since I'm talking about personal life, I might as well talk about my Vietnam trip.

Did I enjoy it? Sadly, I didn't really enjoy it. Maybe its the de-sensitizing from my travels in Europe, that I don't find the things I see in Hanoi or Ha Long Bay that fascinating. I can't even get excited from looking at cheap winter wear along the streets, since I've already bought my fair share of beanies and gloves from Europe. Well, the junk ride, bah, it didn't even feel half as shiok as the cruise ride in Russia. Probably cuz of how the whole of Ha Long Bay was so foggy that I couldn't even see the stars at night. Unlike on the cruise, where I could see the North Star and the other stars plus Venus so clearly in the night sky. The company or rather, lack of alcohol probably made a difference. On the cruise in Russia, I would say the company was much more fun, with alcohol and all, the HTHT got really fun and interesting. But on the junk, with the bartender disappearing after happy hour (which literally only lasted an hour), there was no more alcohol, and the HTHT topics were well, rather boring tbh.

At the end of the day, like I've mentioned before, for travelling, the company really matters. Maybe its cuz I haven't hanged out with this group of friends for quite some time already, so the frequency was not there in the first place, but is that really an excuse? I mean, I didn't even know Rachel before we went to Italy together, yet Vespa had so much fun in Italy. I didn't even know mich, weiting, jon, ruyi before the Russia trip, but we could still have those crazy moments in Russia. So, I don't really know what was wrong with the company in Vietnam, or maybe I just didn't have the same kind of excitement I had while I was in Europe.

All of a sudden, I'm thinking that, perhaps, for grad trip, i might very well be better off travelling alone. But we shall see. =/

new year

The only thing I see that's great about this new year is how the last two digits are 13, which happens to be my favourite number. Well, usually the start of the year post would be full of resolutions and shit, but I guess I pretty much decided what I needed to do for the year anyway, so let's move on with that first. Well, obviously, to graduate is on the books, and to get a job too. That razer job is definitely one of the jobs i'm really interested in. Whereas the MDA US internship thingy seems to be off cuz of how the program seem to be off the uni plans now. Other than that, my life, well, I hate to say this, but its kinda boring. But well, as long as I can get that job, I guess the rest doesn't matter at all.

Afterall, I'm kinda just over with all the love and shit that has happened in the 4 years of uni life. Doesn't seem that much important to me anymore. Over the 4 years, I've realised how realistic this world is. People would only talk to you when they need your help. They act all nice when they need you, but once they're done with you, they throw you aside like you never really mattered to them. I don't really blame these people, I know its not their fault. At the end of the day, I treat people the same way, every man for himself. If there's one person I would blame, it would be myself, for being so eager when it comes to helping people. Just a simple "please" or something like that would be able to get me started on helping people, to the extent that I would say I'm not sleeping when I'm already ready to get off my com and go to bed. And just a simple thank you after that would make it seem worth it to me. So yeah, I'm that easy for people to take advantage of. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying. And I don't think this part of me is something I can change easily, I'll just continue helping people, even though I know that once they don't need me anymore, they'll just kick me aside. But, what can I do? Do i sit in one corner and cry as I watch these people leave my life? NO. I'll just continue to be myself, and if people choose to leave me, then so be it. I would rather people remember me for being the helpful one, than the one who didn't want to help, that is, if they remember me at all.

Then there's always the question of, if I die today, who will remember me tomorrow, who will remember me in 1 week/1month/1year/10years/so on and so forth. Did I live a life where people would remember me? If they do, then how would they remember me as? But then again, if I'm dead, would that really matter?

Man, what's in me tonight. I should get to sleep soon. But no, I'm helping someone =/