Slowly but surely, I'm learning how to handle this balance of caring for someone.
When caring makes it hurt so much cuz of how unappreciated you feel, you just have to let it go a bit. And its hurts less to care, go on, and do what you need to do.
Its like kiting, something that I find it so hard to learn, be it in real life kiting, or DotA2 kiting, or relationships. You'll just have to find a right balance, so that you won't let go. Let lose, but don't let go. Keep your hands on the reins, but never control. Okay, kiting is a bad example. But yeah. I've still got much to learn.
At least it doesn't hurt that much now when I feel unappreciated. I'm kinda getting used to the fact that I'm only being approached when help is needed, only being talked to when I'm needed to do something. It makes me feel fucked up all over. Like, I'm being screwed just cuz I decided to be nice no matter what. Well, a life of being made use of, I guess its my own fault I'm too used to it. And I never know when to pull myself out of these kind of things till I get really really hurt by the people that I care about.
Once again, I've found myself falling back into the same hole I climbed out from after end of last sem.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
The shit i put myself into
This sem, its gonna be one hell of a sem for me, at least programming-wise. 4 languages with a potential 5th coming up, I just wonder how I'm gonna cope with it. Being behind schedule for my FYP sure hurts alot cuz I have to put in alot more effort now, but well, its not really my fault that this team-mate of mine hogs the bloody device that's so essential to my coding. =/ This is what happens when only one person in the team knows how to code, its almost like I'm doing the job of two people, I might as well have taken up this FYP on my own. Sometimes, I just regret signing up for this competition. I mean, I knew I had to work with someone else for my FYP, but this, well, this is pure shit.
At the very least, helping Mich with her coding for the past few weeks has got me slightly accustomed to C++ coding, and even managed to read up some stuff for openGL. That's probably why I've been so helpful when it comes to helping her out with the coding? =/ But anyways, hopefully this brushing up on C++ knowledge would help a lot in my razer competition.
Then there's the actionscript 3.0 to worry about. I did use this language in the last sem, but I would say I only used like 1% of what actionscript 3.0 has to offer. And I'm far from being proficient. Considering how I normally take only 2 weeks to be proficient at a language, I hope the clash of programming languages in my brain wouldn't affect the speed at which I learn actionscript.
This sem, its either gonna kill me, or bring the best out of me. And I certainly hope its the latter. Be it studies wise or personal life wise, I hope everything would go well.
Oh, since I'm talking about personal life, I might as well talk about my Vietnam trip.
Did I enjoy it? Sadly, I didn't really enjoy it. Maybe its the de-sensitizing from my travels in Europe, that I don't find the things I see in Hanoi or Ha Long Bay that fascinating. I can't even get excited from looking at cheap winter wear along the streets, since I've already bought my fair share of beanies and gloves from Europe. Well, the junk ride, bah, it didn't even feel half as shiok as the cruise ride in Russia. Probably cuz of how the whole of Ha Long Bay was so foggy that I couldn't even see the stars at night. Unlike on the cruise, where I could see the North Star and the other stars plus Venus so clearly in the night sky. The company or rather, lack of alcohol probably made a difference. On the cruise in Russia, I would say the company was much more fun, with alcohol and all, the HTHT got really fun and interesting. But on the junk, with the bartender disappearing after happy hour (which literally only lasted an hour), there was no more alcohol, and the HTHT topics were well, rather boring tbh.
At the end of the day, like I've mentioned before, for travelling, the company really matters. Maybe its cuz I haven't hanged out with this group of friends for quite some time already, so the frequency was not there in the first place, but is that really an excuse? I mean, I didn't even know Rachel before we went to Italy together, yet Vespa had so much fun in Italy. I didn't even know mich, weiting, jon, ruyi before the Russia trip, but we could still have those crazy moments in Russia. So, I don't really know what was wrong with the company in Vietnam, or maybe I just didn't have the same kind of excitement I had while I was in Europe.
All of a sudden, I'm thinking that, perhaps, for grad trip, i might very well be better off travelling alone. But we shall see. =/
At the very least, helping Mich with her coding for the past few weeks has got me slightly accustomed to C++ coding, and even managed to read up some stuff for openGL. That's probably why I've been so helpful when it comes to helping her out with the coding? =/ But anyways, hopefully this brushing up on C++ knowledge would help a lot in my razer competition.
Then there's the actionscript 3.0 to worry about. I did use this language in the last sem, but I would say I only used like 1% of what actionscript 3.0 has to offer. And I'm far from being proficient. Considering how I normally take only 2 weeks to be proficient at a language, I hope the clash of programming languages in my brain wouldn't affect the speed at which I learn actionscript.
This sem, its either gonna kill me, or bring the best out of me. And I certainly hope its the latter. Be it studies wise or personal life wise, I hope everything would go well.
Oh, since I'm talking about personal life, I might as well talk about my Vietnam trip.
Did I enjoy it? Sadly, I didn't really enjoy it. Maybe its the de-sensitizing from my travels in Europe, that I don't find the things I see in Hanoi or Ha Long Bay that fascinating. I can't even get excited from looking at cheap winter wear along the streets, since I've already bought my fair share of beanies and gloves from Europe. Well, the junk ride, bah, it didn't even feel half as shiok as the cruise ride in Russia. Probably cuz of how the whole of Ha Long Bay was so foggy that I couldn't even see the stars at night. Unlike on the cruise, where I could see the North Star and the other stars plus Venus so clearly in the night sky. The company or rather, lack of alcohol probably made a difference. On the cruise in Russia, I would say the company was much more fun, with alcohol and all, the HTHT got really fun and interesting. But on the junk, with the bartender disappearing after happy hour (which literally only lasted an hour), there was no more alcohol, and the HTHT topics were well, rather boring tbh.
At the end of the day, like I've mentioned before, for travelling, the company really matters. Maybe its cuz I haven't hanged out with this group of friends for quite some time already, so the frequency was not there in the first place, but is that really an excuse? I mean, I didn't even know Rachel before we went to Italy together, yet Vespa had so much fun in Italy. I didn't even know mich, weiting, jon, ruyi before the Russia trip, but we could still have those crazy moments in Russia. So, I don't really know what was wrong with the company in Vietnam, or maybe I just didn't have the same kind of excitement I had while I was in Europe.
All of a sudden, I'm thinking that, perhaps, for grad trip, i might very well be better off travelling alone. But we shall see. =/
Saturday, January 05, 2013
new year
The only thing I see that's great about this new year is how the last two digits are 13, which happens to be my favourite number. Well, usually the start of the year post would be full of resolutions and shit, but I guess I pretty much decided what I needed to do for the year anyway, so let's move on with that first. Well, obviously, to graduate is on the books, and to get a job too. That razer job is definitely one of the jobs i'm really interested in. Whereas the MDA US internship thingy seems to be off cuz of how the program seem to be off the uni plans now. Other than that, my life, well, I hate to say this, but its kinda boring. But well, as long as I can get that job, I guess the rest doesn't matter at all.
Afterall, I'm kinda just over with all the love and shit that has happened in the 4 years of uni life. Doesn't seem that much important to me anymore. Over the 4 years, I've realised how realistic this world is. People would only talk to you when they need your help. They act all nice when they need you, but once they're done with you, they throw you aside like you never really mattered to them. I don't really blame these people, I know its not their fault. At the end of the day, I treat people the same way, every man for himself. If there's one person I would blame, it would be myself, for being so eager when it comes to helping people. Just a simple "please" or something like that would be able to get me started on helping people, to the extent that I would say I'm not sleeping when I'm already ready to get off my com and go to bed. And just a simple thank you after that would make it seem worth it to me. So yeah, I'm that easy for people to take advantage of. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying. And I don't think this part of me is something I can change easily, I'll just continue helping people, even though I know that once they don't need me anymore, they'll just kick me aside. But, what can I do? Do i sit in one corner and cry as I watch these people leave my life? NO. I'll just continue to be myself, and if people choose to leave me, then so be it. I would rather people remember me for being the helpful one, than the one who didn't want to help, that is, if they remember me at all.
Then there's always the question of, if I die today, who will remember me tomorrow, who will remember me in 1 week/1month/1year/10years/so on and so forth. Did I live a life where people would remember me? If they do, then how would they remember me as? But then again, if I'm dead, would that really matter?
Man, what's in me tonight. I should get to sleep soon. But no, I'm helping someone =/
Afterall, I'm kinda just over with all the love and shit that has happened in the 4 years of uni life. Doesn't seem that much important to me anymore. Over the 4 years, I've realised how realistic this world is. People would only talk to you when they need your help. They act all nice when they need you, but once they're done with you, they throw you aside like you never really mattered to them. I don't really blame these people, I know its not their fault. At the end of the day, I treat people the same way, every man for himself. If there's one person I would blame, it would be myself, for being so eager when it comes to helping people. Just a simple "please" or something like that would be able to get me started on helping people, to the extent that I would say I'm not sleeping when I'm already ready to get off my com and go to bed. And just a simple thank you after that would make it seem worth it to me. So yeah, I'm that easy for people to take advantage of. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying. And I don't think this part of me is something I can change easily, I'll just continue helping people, even though I know that once they don't need me anymore, they'll just kick me aside. But, what can I do? Do i sit in one corner and cry as I watch these people leave my life? NO. I'll just continue to be myself, and if people choose to leave me, then so be it. I would rather people remember me for being the helpful one, than the one who didn't want to help, that is, if they remember me at all.
Then there's always the question of, if I die today, who will remember me tomorrow, who will remember me in 1 week/1month/1year/10years/so on and so forth. Did I live a life where people would remember me? If they do, then how would they remember me as? But then again, if I'm dead, would that really matter?
Man, what's in me tonight. I should get to sleep soon. But no, I'm helping someone =/
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