Been Long

Its been long since i last got addicted to a taiwan drama. And now, i find myself sitting infront of com, watching one ep per day, with the want to watch another on the same day. But then again, its all about self control. Limiting wad I want and focusing on the needs.

I feel a similarity, as in why I am limiting what I want, who i want. I'm not making a move, not because I do not want. In a way, perhaps its not what I need. Yes, I do find a need to be in love again. Yet, I don't find it a need for it to be me. In a way, what happiness can I give you? I find myself asking this time and again.

Argh, what am I saying. At the end of the day, i'm still in love with you. Will you just look at me one time, and realise what you mean to me, how much you mean to me. To me, you're more than who you think you really are.

HMMMMM. oh man, studies, feeling a sudden lag in my speed. Perhaps i need some mugging time tml. 2 hours lecture, but hopefully the rest of the day i would be plugged in to my mp3 and mugging full speed.

Its my choice, i chose studies. I'm sorry.

its not about

what I want.
what will make me happy.
whether I will be together with you.
what we will end up as.
how this friendship will turn out.

Its about

what you want.
what will make you happy.
whether you'll be happy together with me.
where our fates will intertwine.
whether we can be more than friends.

Sometimes, i just wonder, why we dun talk. Why we end up keeping quiet when we're alone. I really wonder. What should I say to you, cuz we usually talked so so much alr, don't we? So much, that it seems that we know each other too well, or rather i know you to well. Sometimes, i see your tired face, and i end up thinking, since u're looking so tired, i shouldn't talk to you and let you rest and relax. Maybe its cuz I care too much, and i think too much for you, that's why i'm confused of what's best for us. What's best for me to do. What you want.

I care, i really do.

Its those little things..

that make you who you are.
that are able to make you smile, regardless of how insignificant it might be to her to tell you that, it just makes a difference in your heart. One smiley, its all it takes.
that make the difference in our lives, one small step wrong, and we might be headed in another direction.
that make me love who you are.
that define who you are.
that makes me want to hold you tight, and say, "everything's gonna be ok, don't worry, cuz i'm here for you, 24/7, 365 days a year, 60 years a lifetime, for many many lifetimes to come, forever and ever."
that makes me think and hope, that you'll be the one.
that makes me wanna say, I love you, _____.

In a way, my mind has always been made up. Its not something that can change easily. No matter how much you might be misunderstanding things or thinking that pehraps my feelings for you aren't real, I can only tell you one thing, since the day i fell in love with you, it has always been the same, nothing changed. You are still who you are, and my feelings are still the same for you.

-------i know there's a typo error, but its on purpose ;)--------------------

Tears are flowing

I feel weak, the strength i've accumulated, it crumbled under pressure. Feeling vulnerable right now. Haven't felt so weak like this in a month. I'm weak.

Tell me how

to talk to someone whom I wanna talk so much with, yet, everything she says just makes you feel like throwing your phone away. Why? Cuz u spend so much effort in trying to talk, yet, the replies, straight to the point, like refusing to start a conversation. Am I disillusioned? Somewhat? I really really have alot to say, but when things are like that, what do you expect me to do? To push for it? I thought things had gotten better, but it seems like its getting worse. Somehow, the distance, its pulling itself apart.

Hai, and yeps. Emo bug strikes again! Really, really, no mood to go out to have supper now. I just wanna push myself into a corner of the room and stone, stone, stone, and stone.

I really dunno wad to say anymore. I'm at a loss of words, loss of tears. In a way, I've forgotten how to cry, which is a good thing. The tears have not been flowing for a long long long long time. Last time I teared was way before oweek dry run. I'm sad, I'm sian, I'm tired, maybe the tears have dried up. But is it something worth crying for? Probably, but the tears just won't flow.

Hai.

I'm almost completing that drawing, but it might not be of any use at all. Adding that anagram i thought of will not make any difference.

You're drifting away.

Hai, tml going to k. Probably gonna sing emo songs all the way. ):

I'm sad, but it doesn't matter to you, does it?

And ya, i couldn't get into the ocip, but no one cares, who cares? Only i give a damn about it.

aar craze

Been listening to aar songs the whole night. Super great lyrics. The lyrcis somehow just make you feel what story the lyricist was trying to tell. It has the ability to bring out the emo-ness in us and make us feel the same way. Love it.

They're like the US version of Mayday. Everything feels good, everything feels right.

Love AAR & Mayday!!! (((:

but on the other hand, i'm quite sian today. Nvm, tml driving to sch! Maybe go for a late night spin tml? hahaha

monotony

This is my 2nd post since the start of sch term that the title starts with monotony again.

Mind you, not monopoly, but monotony. Everyday just feels like a repeat of the day before, no motivation, the only thing pulling me on is to get past this boring term and hopefully there'll come a day where i'll actually enjoy myself.

Boredom escalates. Woke up, decided to do some studying, flipped thru my tutorials, wtf, all done. Flipped thru my notes, ee2006, bloody boring eg1108 repeat, ee2012, bloody boring jc stats repeat, ee2009, bloody hell, if the prof doesn't teach, i wouldn't even understand, ee2010, laplace repeat. Hai, then i flip to ctw (shall not call it english anymore, later someone scold), BLOODY HELL, so WORDY, i dun even feel like touching it.

SO yeah, i'm left with nothing to do. Bored of the games also. Seriously, just the want, or rather the need for something big to happen in my life. 我不要求自己过得幸福，我只想要我的生命有多一些色彩，我只想要活得精彩。智慧如果是一种必须，那么我也只能埋头苦读。

Its that yearning for something, not something that i know of. Something that will make my life just that tiny weeny bit different. Make a difference.

Feeling the need for a late night walk tonight again. Feeling a need for the stars. Feeling a need for the breather. This monotony, its taking a serious toll on my life.

Aloe Vera.

Loves me.

BORING!

Seeing red

Ah, just saw a very nice pair of red soccer boots. Hmmm, if i'm ever gonna get a pair of soccer boots, i would want it be red, with gerrard engraved on it. (:

Ay, today, not a really good day. Woke up bored, was seriously contemplating not going for the interview, but that would be too serious a pangseh. And I actually dreamt about not going for the interview before i woke up. I dreamt i sent an sms to siping telling her i having flu so cannot go. LOL. and i woke up, having stomach flu. =.=

ah, so b4 anyone else complains about my blog being a bed of emo-ism, i'm thinking of something happy to post about. HMMM.

BAH! i can't even think about a thing.

Well, well, just check out lolcats.com if you need a laugh, that's all i can say.

"with their big fake smile and stupid lies"

looking upon every smile, doubting people's underlying intentions. No smile is 100% true, nor is it 100% evil. But, seriously, sometimes, i dun even know what to believe anymore. People like to ask me why i don't like to smile. Its not because i'm not happy, but i dun see the point of giving a smile when i'm not 100% happy. I dun wanna fake it, i dun wanna give ppl the false impression that i'm okay when in truth i'm not.

Its not that i don't enjoy life, there are alot of things i like about my life now. Its just those little stuff in our lives that make us think, it ain't that good at all. Random things for us to emo about, random moments of sian-ness. If u ask for a purpose, i can say, the only purpose of me living on, is to not disappoint anyone. But all I keep doing is just disappointing myself. Its not about regrets, its about how my life has become such monotony. studies and gym and sleep, there's no colour in it. And when i want to join a cca, i can only think about joining things like akido and taekwondo. Martial arts, in a way, they will not make my life any bit more colourful.

That day, jiaming was asking mujung, do you have any worries about life, like worrying about money, studies, relationships. In a way, i asked myself too, are there any worries in my life?

Money? Definitely yes, having 5k taken away from you is definitely not something to be happy about. And I find myself digging everywhere just to get money out to buy the things i want. saving on meals just to save money. Everything i'm doing for is for the money, be it gym, uncle toby's. gyming to me is to curb my want to play games on my ps3, the many games that i want to buy. Uncle toby, its just because its cheap, and its only 50cents per meal.

Studies? Defo yes for me too. Worried that i might not be able to go on exchange to a place i want cuz of my poor cap. Tired of being compared to my sis. Tired of every single emphasis on good grades where quality of life is heavily depended on grades. But actually, i also want good grades for myself too. I'm angry with myself, for forever letting my emotions take over at the most important timings. When studying really matters, i always end up emo-ing about stuff that well, are sometimes inevitable. Be it in sem 1, or sem 2. Or even to a distant past, during o's and a's.

Relationship? Yes/no for me. 4 years of being single, in a way, i'm already pretty much used to it. The void in my heart, somehow i've alr gotten used to this hole there. Yes, i do envy ppl being together, holding hands, doing what couples do. There are times i think how good it would be if i can be together with the one i like. But sometimes, no matter how much you want something, it just won't come to you. And i'm feeling that right now. Becuz i want it that much, it just gives me the feeling that it ain't gonna happen. I know where my heart lies, i know how true my heart is, but it doesn't matter, if she can't feel it.

This roller coaster. I'm still on it.

time and again

Everytime something crops up, i always put myself at the front line to shoulder the blame. The first person I ever get pissed off with, is always myself. In a way, am I being too kind, too nice? Its a question i've always asked myself.

But this niceness, it ain't gonna get me fking anywhere in life. Cuz, ppl ain't gonna fking give a damn about what I do for them. They only see the destination, but they don't focus on what you've been doing all these while.

I'm pissed with myself, for always saying "nvm". For all those outings that i've organised that always end up with low attendance. For everything that i've done, but never seems enough. I'm just pissed, with myself. Its probably my fault anyway, always end up doing things at the very last minute and hoping that ppl will turn up.

But is that really the case? Perhaps, i'm the only one in this whole damn world who thinks that a verbal agreement is enough to settle everything. Perhaps i'm the only one who will set time out just because someone casually said he/she wants to go out. I'm probably the only one who thinks this way.

People around me, they dun find it a responsibility to follow what they've said. Even when they've said ok, its always subject to last minute changes. Even when a time and date is mentioned, they dun leave space for you in their schedule, only to tell you in the last minute that they can't make it. And what do i do? "NVM"

NEVER ****ing mind.

I dunno wad's gotten over me, this emo bug or whatever it is. Seriously, i don't feel like going for xlb buffet tonight alr, the whole mood's gone. Today's just not a good day for me i guess, everything i want to do just doesn't seem to go the way i want it to. Came to sch for a fking tutorial, only for the ta to not turn up at all. What's the point of me going thru the rain for all these. Bloody waste of time.

Disappointment.

Sometimes, trust just shouldn't be given out so easily. I'm beginning to doubt the words of ppl around me. Perhaps, I shouldn't have opened up at all. ONly serves to hurt myself time and time again.

Welcome to my Life.

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

elmo

In a way, letting elmo see light was something i never contemplated before. The moment i took it out during oweek, i knew something changed within me. Be it looking forward to future, or letting go of the past. These 2 somewhat came at the same time. In a way, elmo was what symbolised our happiness together, something you gave me, that I didn't want to share. But now, it took a different meaning in my life. Its no longer about our happiness, that was all in the past. Now, its all about sharing this happiness that you gave me, passing it around, letting others know what happiness is. Cheering ppl up using it, a form of bringing ppl closer together.

Thank you.

hmmm, dun feel like slping tonight. Feels that there alot of stuff undone

Meaning

Life is only meaningful when you don't just look forward to weekends...

This came from a fren's quote on fb. Makes so much sense now. Life seems much more meaningful now? Filling up my life with outings and stuff, letting friends flood into my life instead of keeping them out. End up, I'm having more stuff to look forward to, more things to expect, and more ppl expecting things from me. In away, my life has become more meaningful.

Of cuz, the feeling of ____ing someone. Its a good feeling, until that someone says no, it'll be a sweet emotion. It makes life so much more colourful.

Anyway, bought a pair of running shoes today, cuz nb really can't support my schedule anymore. Feeling the sores and aches from wearing nb to run. Managed to cut 50 bucks from the overall price, pretty satisfied. And mom says she'll reimburse for it, cuz its something i need, and not something i want. (: (actually, i need a decent desktop to play sc2 also :p) just kidding! haha. ok la. really want to start earning more money, perhaps not thru gambling. Trying to get jobs, like the one tanli intro-ed me, hopefully can get it. Tuitions would be good too.

Ok, gonna slp soon! 8-12 tml! and something to look forward to. haha. Night world, may tml be a better day.

and one thing i learnt from 1 year in uni. If u're gonna fall aslp in lecture or fb or play games during lecture, you might as well stay at home the whole day rather than spending time to travel to sch just to waste your life away. A reminder to myself to be attentive in class, OR not to go sch at all. (: but i still wanna go sch la! haha

ahhhh

OORAH! the lyrics are coming in!!! but i feel damn sick now!!! damn. argh, siannn. Sleep first ba, hopefully tml still remember. haha. night world

YNWA

Feels good to be singing YNWA again, brings away all the pain that I had in mind, just focused on one thing, my love for Liverpool. (:

Really damn high when they started singing the pre-match chants. "hillsborough song", "steven Gerrard song", "carragher song". All these songs, just brings the mood to another level. Never mind that we drew a game we could have won, the crowd, the atmosphere just made the result easier to handle than doing it alone at home. Really really enjoyed myself. Loved the game, loved the players, loved the crowd.

And thanks to the team for turning up! Sect Comm: Yong Cong, Pioneer 1: Kenneth & Pioneer 2: Ah bang. Team YONG CONG FTW MAN! hahaha.

Other than that, today was a relatively good day for me? Becuz of everything that was going on, be it thru phone or whatever that I did today, everything felt good, everything felt happy. Even though only 8 ppl turned up for the oweek lunch, but still, it was enjoyable, i guess. Hopefully, next time we'll see more ppl turning up for all these.

up and down

when emotions go up and down like a roller coaster ride.

Its not the first time already, in a way, i've gotten used to how my emotions take over me at the least appropriate time. I find myself retreating into a corner, saying "nvm" and "forget it". This world, and its useless promises.

What attributes to the sadness? I seriously have no idea. Perhaps the difference between reality and dreams? How the occasional sweet dream makes you want to escape from reality into that dream world, waking up but wanting to fall aslp so that you can see that ending of the dream. Only to realise, that the ending is in stark contrast to the reality you're living in.

Stark, a word i seldom use.

The many words popping up in my head, the many words that i normally put into the songs i write. Your name, hidden in memory. Working on a new song, called 我爱噢噢. Perhaps a bit inspired by wu yue tian's wang ci. Cuz he went 我噢噢噢, then i thought of maybe putting 我爱噢噢 would be a nice name for a song. Dunno how it will turn out though.

Maybe I should start writing more songs in english, afterall this sem i'm gonna take eg1413. But, I know how badly my english songs have turned out. Lyrics that fail to rhyme, tunes that fail to register themselves in my mind.

I feel a need to tell you, how I feel, what I really want. Yet, I'm holding myself back, in a way, I dun wanna lose this frenship that's slowly building itself up. On the other hand, I'm afraid if this friendship continues to build up, it might come to the point that I would be too afraid to tell you how I feel. This kind of feeling, this kind of love, this kind of liking someone. Sometimes, its the best part of falling in love, but when reality strikes, we're normally left with nothing. Lets just hope that you and I, would be different.

我爱噢噢.

ah

ah, it was friday the 13th. No wonder...

but seriously, i dun believe in all these shit.

YNWA on sun, that's the only thing i'm looking forward to now.

450

450th blog post, not counting those on my private one.

I'm feeling damn sian today. Partially due to my own incompetence. Haven't done anything productive after reaching home. Salt was ok, typical assassin story, would probably be good if it was made into a game? But, hai. Why am I feeling like this? Got this sense that things will turn bad from now on?

Its just the feeling that somehow, somewhat, argh, i dun even know how to begin to describe this feeling.

I just wanna slp and wake up to see that everything is actually ok, but no matter how optimistic i force myself to be, i know, its probably not gonna be alright. Every thing i observe, everything i see with my own eyes, everything i'm feeling from you, just points to the fact that its probably not going to go the way I want it?

The first step was probably wrong already, I tried too hard.

Only to realise in the end that, yes, i've fallen into a shithole i dug for myself once again.

I should get myself out of this asap, before I fall anymore further.

Hai, once again i'm back to where I was.

same spider

saw the same spider crawling pass the same position infront of me in a minute. =.= reminded me of the cat that walked pass twice in the matrix. o.O scary~ haha. nah, back to topic.

Somehow, those late night walks by myself are killing my soul and my heart. Not becuz I don't like to walk, but its becuz of the lack of company on these late nights when I just feel like going out to see stars. Used to have, used to be, they're no longer what I have in my hands. Always reminded of the first time we went star gazing, how it used to remind us of the fireworks we saw together, that first... hai. Ok, why am I emo-ing now! Sucks to the max. If only stars have the same effect as they used to have on me. They used to brighten up my days, but now, they're just painful reminders of my past.

Was talking to huiru b4 i went to see stars last night. That one sentence i used to say alot, just came out again. That sentence i always used to cheer someone up. In a way, i've forgotten how to cheer ppl up, cuz most of the time, i found myself in need of it. But somehow, last night, this sentence came at the right time for me, just when I was about to go into the eternal state of emoism for the rest of the sem. "Stars are like true friends, even if there are times when you don't see them, you know they're always there." This one sentence, it used to mean alot. Not that it doesn't mean anything now, but the significance is not the same as b4.

Of cuz, the other version of that means nothing now at all. "Stars are like my true feelings for you, even if there are times when you cannot see what I am doing for you, you know my feelings will always be there for you." If only I could say it to someone now, if only.

All the "if-only"s. How long more am I going to use these 2 words before it finally becomes yes it is.

School started, new beginning. A different group of friends for lecture, will be spending the rest of the year with them. Need to treasure friendship. A need for an oweek comm outing, before everyone forgets about everyone else.

Needs someone to see stars with me. :(

down

been feeling kinda down lately. After all the oweek stuff have subsided, been talking to a few ppl about how it would be like in a few months, and most of us agreed that it wouldn't be the same. And it would take more than just a few outings to keep everyone together. The down is probably due to my favourite site not showing me what i want to see. Deviantart.com!!! After drawing miria, i've been on a kind of artist block. I couldn't think of anything to draw. I wanted to draw clare but i couldn't come up with an image of how exactly to draw her. Too lazy to flip through the countless pages of claymore just to find a picture of her. I also had a sudden urge to draw Galatea and Teresa, but those 2, I couldn't find good pictures of too.

Recent stuff has led me into thinking that perhaps, sometimes, its better to just let nature take its course. I do not believe that there is no solution to any single problem in this world, its just whether we are willing to put our efforts into trying to solve the problem. Sometimes, there's no point in saying this and that but end up not having done anything to resolve the issues that have been bugging us all the time. Sometimes, its better to say it out to the person who needs to know, wants to know, have to know.

Isn't it better, to hear a "no" than regretting your whole life that you've never told the single sentence you wanted to let someone hear the most. "I love you, grandma" -I couldn't say that, and she's gone- All these regrets, no matter how long you live with it, there still comes a day when you must decide to let it all go. Regrets pins you down to the day the regret set in, it leaves you on the spot, refusal to get out of that mindset, makes you stop growing in character.

In a way, I've learnt to live without regrets, but at the same time, I realised, sometimes, I don't learn from my mistakes at all.

Losing friends, is there any way that I can prevent that from happening? The only way I thought of making myself feel better is to make new friends, and tell myself that instead of trying to get back all those friends that i've lost along the way, isn't it easier to just bring these new friends closer to myself and make sure that I don't make the same mistake of distancing myself from them. But then again, it is human to err. If I do not make any mistakes, then I am not human, but something of superior intelligence. We are humans, we make mistakes, we try to learn from them, but we cannot make sure that we do not commit them again.

How big is my fear of getting into a relationship? It might be creeping back onto me again. The fear of the constant quarrels that might come along with the happy smiles of a girl you like. I'm beginning to think that perhaps, I'm better off single. Perhaps, its just not time yet. Perhaps, instead of maturing, i've become more and more immature compared to whom I was. Perhaps, I'm just thinking too much. When the time comes, we will know, won't we?

I can be sure of who I like, who I want to give my 110%. But when the decision does not lie in my hands, there's just nothing I could do, but to wait, and hope that you see my heart is there for you, that i'll be watching over you.

friends

Thanks to tessa braces goh, i was reminded of the question that i always reminded myself about. Who are the real friends in our lives?

So, tell me, who are my real friends? Those who you keep talking to? Or those you find comfortable to talk to. People come and go, so in the end, what is left? nothing?

You get into trouble, and those who are there to help you are your true friends.

Then I would have to say, most of the troubles i encountered, i managed to pull thru them myself. This sucks pretty much.

Sucks to be me.

Hai, so many stuff to do b4 sch starts. Needta prep for all those lecture/tutorial/lab sessions. Pack my bag, buy stationary. Go west coast walk walk to prep myself mentally.

Hai, why are the holidays so short?

Beginning to regret whatever that i've set myself off to do at the start of the hols.