oorah!

got alot of things to say, but most impt thing today is that i finally completed the song that i've started on writing like since the start of sem break! haha. Like, finally. lol. Ok, so before ppl decide not to read my lyrics close this window after my blog post, i shall post my lyrics here! hahaha. Seems like its the first song i've completed in 2010. And I really like some of the lyrics. And the tune's quite nice too! But needta find ppl to sing female part. =/ (sounds like i wanna do a recording, but i dun really want to. haha) Here goes, title of song : 一见钟情, the 2nd song is a song i wrote previously, and i scared its forgotten. haha, cuz i really liked the lyrics i wrote. =p

一见钟情

会不会有那么凑巧
原来缘分就在我的眼前
如果太阳代表你在身边
影子就是我对你的思念

会不会有那么一天
圆圈会突然变成了心型
如果心型代表奇迹出现
引导我们走向未来路线

那特别想你的那种感觉
我只能用我爱你形容
我想你 (你想我)
原来这就是爱
每一分钟我都在期待

我说了九百九十九次我有多么爱你
我回答九百九十九次我会爱你到底
可是我们在第一次见面就做了决定
我这辈子只想依 赖的人唯独有你

我问你为何只想和我一人过一辈子
我回答在你眼里我只能够看见自己
其实不用多说也知道彼此 心中爱意
因为这些早已命中注定 一见钟情

钢琴

望着那陈旧的钢琴
它的轮廓不禁让人觉得孤单
它曾经带给我们许多回忆
也随着音乐的声音而离去

放在钢琴上面的琴谱
五线谱上跳着一颗颗的豆芽
诉说着过去曾有过的甜蜜
却随着时间的流逝而淡去

钢琴上的黑键 就像是你我的爱
说少不少其实也并不算多
钢琴上的白键 就像是你的诺言
参差这的黑键 都是你的谎言

我想我已懂得 爱情不是一个人
就能够弹奏出的幸福旋律
没有你陪在我身边
四手联弹不再完美
我只能一个人守着诺言

我想我已懂得 孤单只是我一人
我的世界只剩下一种快乐
那是你给我的温柔
我会永远放在心中
我答应你我会永远守候
我给你的承诺

phew, the colour coding is such that the blue part is sang by the guy, red part by female and green part together. lalala.

Took pretty long to get the lyrics for this. Probably becuz of how busy the whole sem break was. Running here and there doing all kinds of stuff. Outings. Blah. Emo. Blah. Walking at night. Blah. So basically, when i've decided to sit down and complete the song, its alr one week away from start of sch.

All the targets i've set for myself for the whole of sem break, what have I achieved? Maybe I should list them out one by one.

#1) Complete 一见钟情 (like finally done it)
#2) Achieve 21km by end of sem break (i'm still at 7 constant and max 10, partly due to injury and camps breaking up the running schedule)
#3) Do 8 pull-ups! (at 5! zzz, was kinda lazy to train also, and partly due to too much endurance training)
#4) Learn the guitar (i dun even know anything yet)
#5) Get a job and earn money for going overseas during end of year (didn't get a job, but earned 6k, with 5k gone into fixed deposit, sian)
#6) Learn spanish (Only learnt the basics, can't speak fluently yet)
#7) GO RWS (zz, lets just forget about it, i dun see it coming)

So basically, my 7 things to achieve for sem break are mostly half-done. The only thing i've achieved was completing this song. I suck.

Amazing how you think that the whole hol would be so long, amazing how you have already planned out so many things, and amazing how things turn out to be the way they are now.

Amazing how the people I used to hang out with b4 sem break are different from the people I hang out with now.

The world, and its amazing ways of making you feel like shit.

Should I set myself targets for the coming sem? And I dun even wanna talk about my new year resolutions. They're probably not gonna work out either. Being a student is hard, tied down by so many things, emotions, studies, blah. Is it that hard to pursue my own dreams?

maybe

Maybe being alone is not controllable, but rather defined by nature. Defined by the actions of ppl around you. Defined by whether people want to make you feel alive.

I feel as good as dead, as good as being alone, despite talking to so many ppl. But its just conversations, I just don't get the feeling of really talking to anyone.

Anyone that can understand?

Perhaps, even my own parents don't understand a thing about what i'm going thru? Then how do I even hope that anyone would?

There used to be, but these people come and go in your life. They go, at a faster rate than they come into my life. I just don't get it anymore. When friends become "friends".

The increase of "hi-bye" frens just make my life more and more lonely. I'm tired too. Tired of all these. But its the only facade i can put up to let me believe that i'm alive.

Inception.

If only someone can plant an idea in me that I'm really super happy. If only.

Or perhaps in my subconscious, its already there that I've told myself that I can never find happiness. We'll never know. Life, is it what it appears to be? Or is it what we want it to be?

loner by nature

Was driving home all by myself just now. Emo abit cuz of the songs on 933. then switched to my mp3, ended up emo-ing more. It had to play 突然好想你. ok la, the one now, obviously thinking every moment, but whenever this song comes into play, it'll remind me of someone. Yes, letting go is one thing, but yearning for something else is another. What it feels like to be in love, what it feels like to be loved, maybe, just maybe, i've lost that feeling already.

Accidentally in love.

Was it by accident? Or is it all fate? They always say, "you do not need a reason to fall in love with someone." I guess, its the same this time round. If you ask me how, or why, or to pinpoint an exact date, i can't say at all.

How? does it matter? What matters most is that I love you now. Why? important? What matters most is that I know who I'll stand by. When? "I knew I loved you before I met you" -that song's a bit bullshit-, but ya. I can't really think of when I started.

Confidence, its all that matters. Its not about what she can give to me, but what i'm willing to give to her, and i give you my heart, and the key to the lock. So its up to you to turn the key into the right position.

Talking about that key to the lock. Don't even know when this wall started setting itself up whenever i get hurt. This barrier of not wanting to let people know more about me. This barrier of not wanting to let my vulnerable parts be show to others. Yet, i still yearn for someone to truly understand me. But to date, how many people can I say that they truly understand me? Understanding me is different from knowing "how many relationships i've been thru", "how many people i've liked before", "who do I like now". These kinda stuff I can tell anyone, it doesn't matter. But the heart, its just closed, and rather than saying that I don't allow people to come in, its more of people not attempting to come in at all.

This "me" that I know of, is probably exclusive. Its there for everyone to know, but no one wants to even try to understand me better. People who don't even bother asking. People who think they know, yet they don't know anything at all.

Perhaps its how 2-sided humans can be. The social one, and the one that prefers to be alone. I think i'm more like "me" when i'm alone. Its just those times when you feel like being alone, walking in the park at night, looking at the moon, the stars and thinking about everything from past to future. Sometimes, i just want that time alone, but usually things have to crop up. And when I dun really wanna be alone, i find myself being alone.

Life sucks to be "me". I'm probably the only one who thinks this way.

I'm probably weird in most people's eyes. But this is who I am. This is "me".

I just suck, as a human being.

Should I cry? No, be strong.

Wait, why do I feel that she's crying, or that she's been sad. hmmm.

hai

Come and go

Its like what they say, people come and go in your life. There's nothing you can do about it.

Looking back, if there ever was an ee gang, its probably no more. People going in their own directions, people not knowing what's causing the change, where's the rot. Who am I left with? People I used to talk to, no more. Looking at the chat windows at the bottom of my screen, at this time of 2am, its all different from how it used to look like. All the "get qitong to sleep", all the making people jealous by eating on webcam, all the random chit-chats, all the minesweeper games, all the random stuff that makes life alot more better and alot less monotonous. All the mass chats just to discuss an outing or just random talk cock. What is left of us? The whole splitting into group A and B? I have no idea how its gonna turn out, but my observation tells me its gonna suck real big time. And my observations are always so damn good and right.

Now, looking at the clock, monday, 26jul, 2am. looking at the windows. "windows media player - playing jay may day playlist", "firefox - blogging", "sticky notes - reminding me of how much i've won and how much is going into fixed deposit", "msn windows - only 1 person talking to me right now, the other 2 conversation windows are offline", "garena - just leaving it on", "pipiplayer - playing glee". Its sad how after 1 year of being in nus, there's only one person talking to you at 2am when you can't really sleep.

Life's sad, but we just gotta move on eh?

Perhaps its time to sleep, and hit the gym tml morning.

Tears

Haven't cried for like, hmmm. 2 weeks?

But this time, the tears fell for a different reason. Not because someone made me sad, but what I felt from watching a show.

Glee.

How it happened, i didn't really know. Just felt touched when the deaf ppl started singing. Felt glad, that i still have my hearing, joyful for all that i have. Thankful for lotsa things, parents, friends, and the things I have in life. Whatever comes in life, be it good or bad, i'll just take it. But with the constant reminder in mind, to never ever take things for granted.

I think, perhaps, love comes when you least expect it.

Resist

Life's like a story. Life's like a game.

You have to resist when temptations come.

Be it wanting to fall in love, be it wanting to let the whole world know what's making you so happy, be it wanting to know everything about everyone.

Observation max. Seems that i'm able to see alot of things going on behind the scenes, alot of hidden meanings, alot of hidden feelings.

Yeah, I'm tempted.

Can't find anyone to send me mayday and jay songs, so ended up downloading them all over again. No, i'm lazy to take them out to rip and i dun wanna spoil the cds.

Saw FFX international lying down there staring at me in the face, telling me to play it all over again. That explains my change in the blog title. How tidus said "This is my story"

Tempted.

But there's only 1 week left b4 the busy stuff kick in. So there's only one word in reply.

Resist.

More decisions

Time to make more decisions.

The fact that after oweek ends, i'll find myself with more free time, and probably less ppl to socialise with. Perhaps its time to find myself a club activity?

Maybe, like CO? Maybe, like guitar?

CO, can't say that after 6 years of being in co, i dun love it, but that 6 years also got me quite bored of it. But after 3 years of not touching drums, do i still have what it takes? I kinda do miss it still, but that's all. Plus, I'm quite worried about going in without knowing anyone in there.

Guitar, picking up where I left off? From where i stopped learning. Maybe, just maybe.

Or perhaps i should just concentrate all my time on studies and forget about doing all these stuff.

Decisions

Decided on alot of stuff over the past few days of oweek dry run.

All those nights of not sleeping, all those mornings of waking up and feeling sore, I just want to put all of them behind. This morning, after waking up to the coldness in t-lab, couldn't fall asleep anymore, and plunged myself into deep thought.

Decided to forgive, something I've done so many times in the past. Forgiving people for forgetting promises. Forgiving people for making use of me, it might not be on purpose after all. Forgiving all those people that hurt me before, perhaps they never meant it.

Decided to forget, forget all those broken promises. Forgetting that I was ever in love with certain people. Forgetting the promises I made to certain people, cuz it no longer matters to certain people anymore. Forgetting all the hurt, forgetting all the pain.

Decided to remember, remember all the happy moments. Remembering people that brought me joy. Remembering moments that made me happy. Remembering people who have made a difference in my life. Remember.

Decided to cry less, not tears of joy, but the tears of sorrow. Not plunging myself into emo-ness, not plunging myself into sorrow. Looking forward, staying optimistic. I will not cry anymore.

也 许你一直都在，也许你已不再，即使如此，我还依然等待。等待着这 一直躲避着我的幸福。

想念如果會有聲音, 不願那是悲傷的哭泣, 事到如今 終於讓自己屬於我自己, 只剩眼淚 還騙不過自己。

我不想再哭了。

eh?

no, i can't slp. BAH. seriously, super messed up body clock right now. Thought waking up early this morning would at least make myself super tired by the time night comes, but i was wrong. arghhhhhhhhh.

hmm, super lots going thru my mind now. Thought i wouldn't be bothered by anything, but yeah, some words, some stuff, some feelings, i still ended up thinking and venturing into the unknown. The feeling of not wanting to venture into that region, yet thinking of how it would be with someone that's similar to that of my type. -shrugs-

Still, I don't feel like opening my heart, for fear of something bad happening, but the smile, the feeling you get, the experience might just be worth it, and who knows, perhaps God might shine over me this time round. Though, I'm not exactly that optimistic. To me, it has just hurt too much for me to think about all these. But, this is part of moving on, to forgive, forget, and to look forward to the future.

Perhaps, the future lies in her hands. Perhaps, the future was there in the past, something that I never took hold of.

But still, my priorities now are straight, its still on studies, get that straight, b4 i think about anything else.

Let's not shit in my own backyard first eh?

sharks, i might just die of exhaustion tml.

Good to be alive

Surprisingly, my recovery is super duper fast this time round. I'm not slpless cuz i'm emo or what. Yes, I do feel sad, but I've learnt to put it behind me. The tighter I try to hold on to this needless thing, the more it wants to get out from my grip. So I've just decided to let it go, and let nature take its course.

This recovery might be due to talking to 2 ppl about it? Althought not everything, but still managed to let it out a bit. Thanks team yong cong.

And yeah, life is still long, why bother about whatever that's happened or is happening in this short period of your life. 1 year out of the probable 50 years i'm gonna live, hmmm, not really that much eh? Time to look on the bright side of life, afterall, being alive is the brightest side of life.

And NO~ @kenneth & yong cong, there is absolutely nothing, so stop the teasing man. Argh, can't take it. Accidentally said stuff without thinking can be so misleading at times. But ay, I'm not in a situation to fall in love anytime soon, nor to like anyone. So yeah, no, i don't like her!

Restart

Pressing that restart button on my life, i chose this path.

Have been thinking about alot of stuff lately, but when everything seems so clear, it doesn't matter wad i do anymore.

After almost half a year of hiatus from the public blog, decided to do it all over again. Not for the fact that I want people to read, just that, it provides people who want to know with a better understanding of what exactly i'm going through.


These were just some of my thoughts last night, or rather this morning.

Dear Lord, 3 times are just a bit too much, ain't it? Perhaps I should have known, perhaps You have already shown it to me, all the hings and all the clues, all that You've been telling me not to venture into. But what is this? After all these, You just leave me talking to myself, my blog, my handphone, my lucky pikacu, and You. So what exactly is it that You want from me? My simple wish for someone to just hear me out, is it that hard for my wish to be granted? Everytime i find myself with someone to talk to, You have to take that person away from me in the most cruel of methods. Making me rely and trust so much, and sometimes, even to the extent of falling in love, only to tell me in the end that You have other plans for her already and the man is not me. So what am I to learn from all these? Never to fall in love? Indeed, I'm already too tired from all these that I find it hard to fall in love again. Like I've told my friend, it is just simply too complicated for me to like someone ever again, let alone to fall in love with anyone. Its just too painful. 3 heartbreaks in 1 year in bizarrely similar fashions. So what do You expect from someone whose heart You have decided to break into so many million little pieces? Am I supposed to continue with these heartbreaking moments or perhaps its better for me to channel such feelings to other placew shwere my heart will find a place of peace, a place to heal. I'm just, too tired to move on anymore. All I ever asked was for something to heal my heart, a heart that has been in pain since 14th Feb 2004.

Still amazed by hwo things can change over one single year. After one year in school and exposing myself to more people, be it from in school or outside of school, I find myself back at where I've started off, or probably even worse. Yes, a bit more friends and that's all for the positive side. Emotionally, I find myself less stable than I used to be, breaking down whenever no one's looking. All these, prbably due to my decision to open my heart to people, thinking that perhaps mature people would be less prone to hurting people (which was obviously wrong). This is why I hardly get myself involved in htht anymore. Its just too painful to dig out stuff from my heart myself, or by others. That's why I find it hard myself to even say anything when it comes to having htht. Yes, I still come up with the truth, but it just takes that little more time and effort, and courage to bring out whatever that is. "I like this girl, that girl" but what heppens when that someone who really matters is someone who you can't say infront of people there, for fear of this and that, for the fact that you know its no longer possible. Its a matter of what you think is important. Right now, the only thing I can think about is protecting myself. From things that might hurt me. Myself, its more important than thinking about others. If you ask me for a mistake I think I've committed in the past one year, it was probably placing others before myself on too many occasions. So many that I feel sick thinking about it, so many that I go "Why did I do all these in the first place?" Perhaps, if i put you as less of a priority I could have had so much more time to myself, so much less hurt. So tell me why? Why have I done so many things for you? And why, have you not noticed that all these were for but 2 simple spanish words, te quiero.

Looking at congren and jiaming slping this morning, all I could think of was how people can sleep so soundly, as if there are no worries. Perhaps, I just occupy myself with too much worries that I've alr lost the ability to slp peacefully. Perhaps, perhaps.