sometimes

"sometimes, you have to give up on people, not because you don't care, but because they don't"

Couldn't agree with the quote more.

The sem ends

Finally, the sem is over. Ups and downs, tipsy-turnies. From liking how the sem was at the start to totally detest going to sch in the mid, to getting back to slightly like the sem, and ending off with a "yay, its finally over." Whatever happened during the sem, I can only say, well, nothing really happened. I'm still me, an entity called "me". Not that I was looking to become an entity of "we" anyways.

While driving home just now, the DJ on 93.3 was asking, if you could use one chinese word to describe your year, what would it be? Then I set myself into deep thought, and perhaps that's why I wasn't talking on the car, sorry if it felt as if I was being anti-social =/ I wasn't feeling well the whole day anyway, just glad that I was able to pull through the day despite feeling feverish the whole day.

Oh well, back on topic. The chinese word I thought of, after dropping off my friend, I thought out loud in the car, hmmm, what could it be? I just sat in my car after parking and continued to think. Its probably cuz of how so many things happened in the past one year, that it felt as if it was more than a year. The whole SEP felt like it was a year itself while this sem felt like another, when it was just in fact one year. Then I thought, hmmm, if that's the case, the one word that can describe my year would be, "乱", as in messy.

The whole year started off really well, landing in Finland for the new year, having my own countdown while slping on the plane. Arriving in a brand new country, a brand new continent, full of excitement, that "hey, its gonna be a good trip, while at the same time, I would be looking forward to going back cuz there's someone waiting for me". Whatever led me to think that way in the first place (the last part I mean), was probably just misinterpretation of her words or she didn't mean what she said, but well, its over anyway.

Then it was followed by many adventures, many happy times. Missing home, missing her. Then the bomb that came on CNY eve, totally changed the way I looked at life. I started the whole "let's care more about myself than for others". A very egoistic way of thinking. I just thought that nobody was worth the effort anymore. I've tried so hard, and not even once I was close. Perhaps I just lost the way to love when I couldn't hold on to the last. But then again, that's the past.

Moving on, I started travelling across Europe, enjoying my life everywhere I go, making new friends, especially one who made a rather huge impact on the sem that just ended. But still, through all the rest of the period of SEP, I was just happy with the way my life is turning out to be. Such awesome-ness, I didn't have to be with anyone to feel happy. I was happy, just doing the things I love to do.

Then I came back to Singapore, I thought I could maintain that mentality, that lifestyle, I was totally wrong. 

In the first place, the kind of lifestyle in Europe, it never suited the busy pace in Singapore. Social pressures aside, there were other types of pressures that just force you to pick up your pace, and being not able to do the things you love to do. I wanted to go back to tae-kwon-do, but see what happened in the end? Till now, I'm not even back yet. =/ But that's another story altogether.

All the stress from the studying, from FYP, made me turn into a person all so different from who I was during SEP and who I was before SEP. I still didn't see relationships as something I wanted, but then again, I needed someone to be there. Someone I could depend on, someone I could talk to whenever I wanted. And the most convenient person to be that person was someone who I would see in school everyday. 

When I thought of taking mods together with her, I never thought things would turn out this way, that I would end up being so dependent on one person to hear out my worries, to listen to my rants. I just wanted to have fun and take mods with new friends.

*So if I ended up depending on you too much, I'm sorry.

Perhaps that's why things turned out this way anyways. My warped mentality of not wanting to be in a r/s but still needing someone for me to depend on, its like it seemed I wasn't sure what I wanted, but in fact, I already know what I want, and what I do not want. I can't put it in simple words, but yeah, whatever, not like it matters to her anways.

Then began the roller coaster of the sem, emotional roller coaster. A see-saw of "caring too much" and "not caring at all". Perhaps its cuz of how she decided to only talk to me when she needs my help, that made me think, "alright, fine, if that's the case, I'll only care when I need to." So at first, it started off as caring, caring and caring, then I held back a little. Then I held back even more, and towards the end, it just seemed that I don't care anymore.

It was just a matter of options. I had two options, to continue caring for her, and to not care at all. Either way, I felt hurt. If I cared so much, she gives me the feeling that I'm only useful when she needs me, and other times, I'm just not her friend at all. Then, if I don't care at all, it gives me the feeling the reason why she's not talking was cuz I wasn't caring at all.

Why must people look at friendships this way? Is it really necessary that if a guy depends on a girl too much, the guy actually likes her? Maybe I do, but the bottomline is, in the friendship, I never thought of wanting it to develop into a relationship. Even if I liked her, at the end of the day, I still wanted to be single.

Why can't people be more honest with each other? Why do we have to doubt each other?

Sigh, so yeah, that's how messy my year was. =/

全部都给你

Heard this song for the 4th time in my car already, in a span of 2 months. I was always driving alone when I hear this song. But that's not the point, point is, this song is somewhat meaningful? Made me realise it takes two hands to make a clap. You can give your all for someone, but if the other party does not give the same, then its not called love anymore. Its at times like this, when you must pull yourself out before you get hurt any further.

But then again, I'm still happy being single, so why dip myself into trouble?

table

As I sat at the table outside LT6 today, I remembered the days when that spot was my favourite spot, just sitting there mugging away while people came and go and I said hi-bye to ppl I know, while chit-chatting with closer friends when they drop by.

For the first time this sem, I sat at that spot. Nothing's changed, its still a spot where people come and go, ppl say hi, ppl stay around to do work together, people drop by to chit-chat. It serves as a reminder that you still have a lot of friends out there, and everyone is just working as hard as you, or perhaps even harder, and all are just as stressed up about FYP or other school-related stuff.

Just noting down what happened at the table today, so that years down the road, I'll still remember the times when there were lotsa friends in my life, although that doesn't mean that in the future I'll have less friends, but who knows about the future. At least when I look back on this day, it'll put a smile on my face when I remember these friends right now that make my uni life that much more enjoyable in year 4. Decided to put the names in abbreviations, so that in the future when I read this, hopefully I still remember most of them, and to show that they really mattered to me.

After FYP meeting with my group mate, I went off in search of a place to spend the afternoon while waiting for the night's bball. I saw LH, then went to dily's with him to grab my coffee and headed back to find benches outside LT6. Then I saw my favourite spot empty, so yeah, just sat down and mugged away. Halfway through, kinda got bored so I started playing dota. D, C & J passed by and saw me playing, and owell, so they decided to go back to their lab and play there. Then came K who I was supposed to meet to discuss the Razer competition, while eating lunch and all. Didn't feel like moving so asked him to help me buy lunch :P. While he was gone, WT came and decided to join me at the table while she chiong her essay, pretty last minute chiong-ing if you ask me. Then K came back with my lunch and we just discussed over lunch. Halfway through discussing, M came by and sat down to chit-chat with WT. Kinda overheard their convo about WT having to do flash animation and I was damn tempted to offer my services so that I can train up my adobe flash skills at the same time in preparation for next sem's module. Then M left. Then a couple of hi-bye friends (oops). E came by and said hi, and I thought she wanted a treat haha. While doing work, WT commented on how distracting it is to sit outside LT6 and do work, cuz of the need to say hi and bye to ppl, and having to chit-chat and stuff. Well, agreed, but that's what makes uni fun I guess. Then EH came by when K was about to leave, then we started talking about dota, then Z & Y popped by too, and we started talking more nonsense. After Z & Y left, we started laughing at how WT was leaving everything till so last minute to do. Then started the random thing about finite time with infinite workload, and how finite burden can resolve infinite workload. WT left, EH left too soon after. Then I was left alone for awhile, felt kinda bored, so started playing dota2 again. Then C came by and sat down with a running nose. We ended up talking about his FYP and it was on-off dozing off for him cuz I was still playing. Then R came by and decided to sit down with me while she waits to go off for her dinner. Then came this surveyor who surveyed R for damn long, so I just ended up keeping myself busy by continuing to play so that she wun turn to me after she's done. But after R was done with her survey, I was still playing so end up we didn't talk at all! sorry! Then everyone left, and I was just chilling with my com, when suddenly, BSOD! =.= Long time since that happened to my com, guess its really too hot outside LT6 that the com overheat. Oh, and saw ZJ pass by saying that I'm still there. Saw S also, who commented that I'm always there, when in fact today's the only time I'm at my spot.

Well well, there's the story of the table. And it pretty much symbolize the life we have. Life is like you sitting at a table, friends come and go, some stay with you for a longer period of time, some shorter. Everyone have their own agendas, own ways to live their lives, no one can stay with you forever. Some people touch your life for a brief moment and leave the next. But life goes on, you'll still sit at that table, while friends come and go. There are moments when you are alone, but then again, you can always look back at happier times and treasure those moments that were nice.

And well, since I've talked about the morning and afternoon, I might as well talk about the night as well!

Basketball was once again, fun like always. Except that today towards the end I got kinda pissed at those strangers that we played with. They were so freaking rough! I'm usually okay with rough play, but this was really too much. Purposely nudging people out, knee-ing ppl, elbow-ing. Worst of all, although it may not be intentional but I'm guessing it was, stepping in when I'm landing from a jump to make me fall in an awkward position, ended up spraining the side of my foot. I played on despite the injury, cuz why shld I bow down to such acts?

Then came the moment in my life where for the first time, I feel like beating up a woman. I was thinking, well, since she's a girl, there's no point body blocking or charging at her, just chill and play. But then I was wrong, never look down on girls you don't know, and look tomboy-ish, oh, and play bball. Elbows, body blocks, purposely banging into me, etc. All the rough plays you can think of, I'm pretty sure she can do it. At first I was like, alright, its alright, just play on. But then there was this play where she just charged into me when I was standing still and cuz I wasn't prepared for any collision at all, I was caught off guard and was pushed back a bit. WTH, I got totally pissed off and from then on, my mindset changed and decided that hey, we're not playing against 3 guys + 1 girl, we're playing against 4 guys. Game-mode on, that's it. Oh, and I injured my palm while saving a ball. Pretty much sums up the bball game today, just injuries, and bad mood caused by rough play. =/

Owell, time to sleep! 4am le! omg

sorrow

"Your sorrowful eyes are not the eyes of someone who had given up on everything, since you are a person who'll never lose your kindness no matter the despair you are in."

Woah, such words coming from a manga. Felt alot when I read this. Are my eyes sorrowful? Maybe, somewhat. Despite the fact that I've given up on nearly everything, I don't really feel sad at all. In fact, I feel lighter. If anything, its the giving up on caring that makes me feel this way now. Its a different hurt from caring too much.

Argh, I'm at a loss of words right now. Lack of sleep's giving me problems =/

But well, bottomline is, I'm happy with the way I am now. And there's really been no feelings from my part at all. All I wanted was to maintain a happy friendship.