四手联弹

Thinking of a melody for the midi project for SOM. Ended up looking through the songs I've written in the past, and chanced upon this gem. First of all, the melody for this was one of the better ones I had. And I thought the lyrics were really great.

Written in 2010, I was probably in year 1 sem 1. I can't even remember what happened back them already. All the memories are so vague right now. People coming and people going, sometimes, you just want to forget all these and start anew, leaving behind all those who have gone, and letting only those who care stay with you.

Its just that hard to let go? After all those times spent together, after caring so much for somebody, you just have to let go. Simply because the other party does not care anymore. No matter what you do, things won't go back to the way they were. Deep down inside, I know it, that this is it, I have to let go. But somehow, the slightly hopeful me still wishes for a miracle to happen, that somehow, I would be forgiven, and things would go back to normal. I know my mistakes, I know what I've done wrong, but knowing all these now are a bit too late, I guess? 

I wanted to talk about it, but there's just so many things catching up with me right now. FYP, insomnia, midi project, game project, final lab for openGL. Just so many things, so much stress, and the only way I'm letting all these stress out is by playing late into the night, slping for 4 hours, and get back up to start doing work again. Probably would have been better if there was someone there to talk to? Is it that hard to have someone to care for me?

Under all this facade of smiles that I put up in front of people everyday, is just one single fragile soul. I tend to act tough, but really, all I need is to have someone to talk to?

Sigh, what's worse is the fact that the only thing that kept me going throughout the sem was someone to talk to through the late night working. Now that she's gone, owell.. 

Yuan Ing, its really time to let go.

Whatever that made me write this line 3 years ago, its probably the same feeling as right now. "没有你陪在我身边四手联弹不再完美, 我只能一个人守着诺言"

And I saw this tweet, haha, couldn't be truer. "Me: I'm happy right now. Life: lol one sec"

Life just has its ways of making you live the unexpected. To think that 2 weeks ago, we were still chatting happily, and now its just Q&A sessions between us. sighh

And here's the song, directly copied from my song blog, tgt with the notes. =/

钢琴

望着那陈旧的钢琴
它的轮廓不禁让人觉得孤单
它曾经带给我们许多回忆
也随着音乐的声音而离去

放在钢琴上面的琴谱
五线谱上跳着一颗颗的豆芽
诉说着过去曾有过的甜蜜
却随着时间的流逝而淡去

钢琴上的黑键 就像是你我的爱
说少不少其实也并不算多
钢琴上的白键 就像是你的诺言
参差这的黑键 都是你的谎言

我想我已懂得 爱情不是一个人
就能够弹奏出的幸福旋律
没有你陪在我身边
四手联弹不再完美
我只能一个人守着诺言

我想我已懂得 孤单只是我一人
我的世界只剩下一种快乐
那是你给我的温柔
我会永远放在心中
我答应你我会永远守候
我给你的承诺

Notes: 你又不敢对她说出你的爱，那你又为何而流泪? 我只能一个人守着诺言.

I've been a jerk

And yes, I really think I've been one.

I let my stress took over me. I forgot what was important. I forgot the fact that at the start of all these, all I wanted was to make her happy. But cuz of stress, I ended up wanting her to listen to my troubles and stuff. Yes, I've been a jerk.

All these that I'm saying probably won't make a difference anymore, somehow, it just feels that this relationship has reached a point of no return. There's no going back, no matter how bad I want it, I know that somehow it has come to an end. There's probably no forgiving me for the things I've done.

But I just want to say sorry, for the last time, I'm truly apologetic.

4 years on

4 years on in my uni life.. Perhaps its time to spend this night and reflect upon it? After all, I doubt I would be able to sleep tonight. :/ (once again, and ppl still ask me why I'm always so tired.. and always falling sick)

nvm..let's do it another day, I don't even have the mood to type. :/

Letting go, its probably the hardest thing to do

Why do I even hold on to it? Something that I know won't exist as long as I want hope it would last. Its just like what I told myself at the end of last sem.. Why do I still cling on to this?

"its stupid, how I'm not willing to take that extra step, to be happier than I already am, cuz I'm not willing to risk whatever that I have right now, whatever that's diminishing. Since its going to go away anyway, why am I still not willing to risk it all and go for it? It sucks to fall in love with a friend, I just hope this would be the last. =/"

Well, one thing I know for sure its how it's diminished. But why do I still care? No matter how much I tell my friends, that "well, I don't really care" OR "what she does doesn't really affect me that much". At the end of the day, my actions say otherwise. There's always the part of me that cares.

Need to carry a heavy textbook? Well, why not, I organise a last minute mahjong so that I can be in that area the next morning to pick her up? -checked-

Throat not feeling well? Well, why not, I get down a few stops earlier to buy that liang teh and walk to sch after that..And stay at career fair far longer than I had expected to (even after already visiting almost all the booths), just to pass it to her? -checked-

There's so many things I've done. Of course its deliberate. But its just the way I care.

But we all knew this would happen, didn't we? It was written for the future already.

That once everything was done and dusted, the problems that were always there would always surface in the end.

No matter how much I tell myself that it doesn't matter if the feelings are mutual, I'll still care for u, at the end of the day, the fact that its not mutual would only turn back and hurt me that much.

It has come down to that once again, the more I care, the more I feel hurt. But the less I care, the fact that I've cared so much before would just turn back and hurt me.

I was so close to letting go last sem, but you came back and made me care for you. Now that you don't need me anymore, you're just attempting to break that care I have for you. I should have just let go, at least it wouldn't hurt me this much now.

I dun even know if you're reading this. If you are, I guess its even better, that you know how I feel. If not, I just hope this pain will slowly find a way out of my heart, together with all that care I have for u. Its alot, but time will eventually bring all these away.. :/

so...

This is what happens eh?

Firstly, I was asked not to talk like everyday..k, checked. That's what I did.

Then you decided that you needed help, so you happily came talking to me, cuz you know, and I know, that given the kind of person I was, I would gladly oblige. So, we started talking like everyday..

Now everything's over, no more help needed, and you just tell me not to talk to you everyday. Well done. Good job. There when you need, toss aside when you don't feel like it.

Its alright. Cuz you know what? I'll still be here if you need me, but it probably won't be the same again anymore.

I'm sick of feeling sad for these kinda things already. Making my eyes sore cuz of holding back tears. Making me stay up and just stone away cuz it saps away all kinds of motivation or mood for me to work on my FYP.

All I want is just for someone to be there for me to talk to, for me to de-stress while I chiong the last lap of my FYP. Pretty much similar to what I did for you when you needed me. But now we turn things around, I find myself sitting here alone, staring at the word document titled "Final Thesis". With the facebook tab on, knowing fully well that the fb msging sounds won't keep coming like they did previously. Cuz I was there for you, but you're not here for me. =/

I know I always say I don't expect anything in return for the help I offer to people. And yes, a thank you would suffice. But this, I guess its a bit too much for me to handle.. When my friends told me that it feels like you're using me, I told them "no, u dun uds her well enough." ..But after what you said about me not understanding you? Maybe..ya..even after all the things we've been through, I still can't say I fully understand you, and perhaps all I ever knew was what was going on with your FYP.

But I still want to believe that what I thought of you in the first place was right, and my friends are wrong... But ur actions are just... I don't even know why that after being sad cuz of u, I still choose to believe and trust in you.. =/