then i realised

I never held on to that one person that really mattered to me 8 years ago. And that's probably why nothing worked out after that. At the end of the day, she still means a lot to me. The fact that I can't let go, is probably why I was never able to say "I love you" to anyone else after that, even "3" who meant a lot to me too. Perhaps, that is why, I don't see myself being together with anyone else anymore. I just didn't let go. =/

Over

Well, I previously mentioned how the sem was over and stuff, but it didn't really feel that it was over until the exams were done and dusted.As for the other thing that mattered, well, I guess I just didn't bother to go for the proper closure I wanted for it. On one hand, I didn't feel the need to, I just thought that it won't matter to her anyways, and I shldn't bother that much. On the other hand, its just about what I want in my life.

For the past 4 months, I somehow lost focus of what I wanted. It wasn't that someone, it wasn't her. I shld have just been satisfied with a friendship if I didn't lose focus. Somehow, not getting my desired FYP had something to do with that. I just wasn't able to put my focus on the one thing that I wanted to do before the year end, and that is to develop a working android app. For a moment, I got lost, lost in what I had in store for my future. Then I turned to the thing called "love", which was really, really, never ever there in the first place.

But now, its different, with FYP back on track, and I'm well on my way to finish developing my first android app. So here we are, back to square 1, back to the me that was happy with the way life was. Back to the me, who just wants to depend on myself for my own happiness. Also, with the razer competition coming in as well, everything looks so well all of a sudden. That US internship looks that much closer than I thought it would be.

and for once, I'm able to face my feelings truthfully, and I asked myself how I felt towards her. The answer was simple, she's special, I liked her, but when it all comes down to being together with her, I just don't see anything working out in the first place. I would say, I enjoyed her company as a friend, and that was all.

Truth be told, I never really let go of that other one in the first place, I just merely buried her away cuz I thought it wasn't possible. Even now, I still dun think its any possible with all these stuff going on. But my point is, love is just not a priority right now.

Getting those competitions done, winning them, is my priority now. And using them as a platform to go for that US internship, and probably come back to work for razer(?). Followed by setting up an app development company. Well, I don't see how love fits in there right now. If there really comes a chance to love, I would take it, but I won't pursue for something that's not there.

So yeah, everything for the past 4 months, is well, over. Perhaps I shld do a proper closure for it, but well well, we'll see how it goes.

sometimes

"sometimes, you have to give up on people, not because you don't care, but because they don't"

Couldn't agree with the quote more.

The sem ends

Finally, the sem is over. Ups and downs, tipsy-turnies. From liking how the sem was at the start to totally detest going to sch in the mid, to getting back to slightly like the sem, and ending off with a "yay, its finally over." Whatever happened during the sem, I can only say, well, nothing really happened. I'm still me, an entity called "me". Not that I was looking to become an entity of "we" anyways.

While driving home just now, the DJ on 93.3 was asking, if you could use one chinese word to describe your year, what would it be? Then I set myself into deep thought, and perhaps that's why I wasn't talking on the car, sorry if it felt as if I was being anti-social =/ I wasn't feeling well the whole day anyway, just glad that I was able to pull through the day despite feeling feverish the whole day.

Oh well, back on topic. The chinese word I thought of, after dropping off my friend, I thought out loud in the car, hmmm, what could it be? I just sat in my car after parking and continued to think. Its probably cuz of how so many things happened in the past one year, that it felt as if it was more than a year. The whole SEP felt like it was a year itself while this sem felt like another, when it was just in fact one year. Then I thought, hmmm, if that's the case, the one word that can describe my year would be, "乱", as in messy.

The whole year started off really well, landing in Finland for the new year, having my own countdown while slping on the plane. Arriving in a brand new country, a brand new continent, full of excitement, that "hey, its gonna be a good trip, while at the same time, I would be looking forward to going back cuz there's someone waiting for me". Whatever led me to think that way in the first place (the last part I mean), was probably just misinterpretation of her words or she didn't mean what she said, but well, its over anyway.

Then it was followed by many adventures, many happy times. Missing home, missing her. Then the bomb that came on CNY eve, totally changed the way I looked at life. I started the whole "let's care more about myself than for others". A very egoistic way of thinking. I just thought that nobody was worth the effort anymore. I've tried so hard, and not even once I was close. Perhaps I just lost the way to love when I couldn't hold on to the last. But then again, that's the past.

Moving on, I started travelling across Europe, enjoying my life everywhere I go, making new friends, especially one who made a rather huge impact on the sem that just ended. But still, through all the rest of the period of SEP, I was just happy with the way my life is turning out to be. Such awesome-ness, I didn't have to be with anyone to feel happy. I was happy, just doing the things I love to do.

Then I came back to Singapore, I thought I could maintain that mentality, that lifestyle, I was totally wrong. 

In the first place, the kind of lifestyle in Europe, it never suited the busy pace in Singapore. Social pressures aside, there were other types of pressures that just force you to pick up your pace, and being not able to do the things you love to do. I wanted to go back to tae-kwon-do, but see what happened in the end? Till now, I'm not even back yet. =/ But that's another story altogether.

All the stress from the studying, from FYP, made me turn into a person all so different from who I was during SEP and who I was before SEP. I still didn't see relationships as something I wanted, but then again, I needed someone to be there. Someone I could depend on, someone I could talk to whenever I wanted. And the most convenient person to be that person was someone who I would see in school everyday. 

When I thought of taking mods together with her, I never thought things would turn out this way, that I would end up being so dependent on one person to hear out my worries, to listen to my rants. I just wanted to have fun and take mods with new friends.

*So if I ended up depending on you too much, I'm sorry.

Perhaps that's why things turned out this way anyways. My warped mentality of not wanting to be in a r/s but still needing someone for me to depend on, its like it seemed I wasn't sure what I wanted, but in fact, I already know what I want, and what I do not want. I can't put it in simple words, but yeah, whatever, not like it matters to her anways.

Then began the roller coaster of the sem, emotional roller coaster. A see-saw of "caring too much" and "not caring at all". Perhaps its cuz of how she decided to only talk to me when she needs my help, that made me think, "alright, fine, if that's the case, I'll only care when I need to." So at first, it started off as caring, caring and caring, then I held back a little. Then I held back even more, and towards the end, it just seemed that I don't care anymore.

It was just a matter of options. I had two options, to continue caring for her, and to not care at all. Either way, I felt hurt. If I cared so much, she gives me the feeling that I'm only useful when she needs me, and other times, I'm just not her friend at all. Then, if I don't care at all, it gives me the feeling the reason why she's not talking was cuz I wasn't caring at all.

Why must people look at friendships this way? Is it really necessary that if a guy depends on a girl too much, the guy actually likes her? Maybe I do, but the bottomline is, in the friendship, I never thought of wanting it to develop into a relationship. Even if I liked her, at the end of the day, I still wanted to be single.

Why can't people be more honest with each other? Why do we have to doubt each other?

Sigh, so yeah, that's how messy my year was. =/

全部都给你

Heard this song for the 4th time in my car already, in a span of 2 months. I was always driving alone when I hear this song. But that's not the point, point is, this song is somewhat meaningful? Made me realise it takes two hands to make a clap. You can give your all for someone, but if the other party does not give the same, then its not called love anymore. Its at times like this, when you must pull yourself out before you get hurt any further.

But then again, I'm still happy being single, so why dip myself into trouble?

table

As I sat at the table outside LT6 today, I remembered the days when that spot was my favourite spot, just sitting there mugging away while people came and go and I said hi-bye to ppl I know, while chit-chatting with closer friends when they drop by.

For the first time this sem, I sat at that spot. Nothing's changed, its still a spot where people come and go, ppl say hi, ppl stay around to do work together, people drop by to chit-chat. It serves as a reminder that you still have a lot of friends out there, and everyone is just working as hard as you, or perhaps even harder, and all are just as stressed up about FYP or other school-related stuff.

Just noting down what happened at the table today, so that years down the road, I'll still remember the times when there were lotsa friends in my life, although that doesn't mean that in the future I'll have less friends, but who knows about the future. At least when I look back on this day, it'll put a smile on my face when I remember these friends right now that make my uni life that much more enjoyable in year 4. Decided to put the names in abbreviations, so that in the future when I read this, hopefully I still remember most of them, and to show that they really mattered to me.

After FYP meeting with my group mate, I went off in search of a place to spend the afternoon while waiting for the night's bball. I saw LH, then went to dily's with him to grab my coffee and headed back to find benches outside LT6. Then I saw my favourite spot empty, so yeah, just sat down and mugged away. Halfway through, kinda got bored so I started playing dota. D, C & J passed by and saw me playing, and owell, so they decided to go back to their lab and play there. Then came K who I was supposed to meet to discuss the Razer competition, while eating lunch and all. Didn't feel like moving so asked him to help me buy lunch :P. While he was gone, WT came and decided to join me at the table while she chiong her essay, pretty last minute chiong-ing if you ask me. Then K came back with my lunch and we just discussed over lunch. Halfway through discussing, M came by and sat down to chit-chat with WT. Kinda overheard their convo about WT having to do flash animation and I was damn tempted to offer my services so that I can train up my adobe flash skills at the same time in preparation for next sem's module. Then M left. Then a couple of hi-bye friends (oops). E came by and said hi, and I thought she wanted a treat haha. While doing work, WT commented on how distracting it is to sit outside LT6 and do work, cuz of the need to say hi and bye to ppl, and having to chit-chat and stuff. Well, agreed, but that's what makes uni fun I guess. Then EH came by when K was about to leave, then we started talking about dota, then Z & Y popped by too, and we started talking more nonsense. After Z & Y left, we started laughing at how WT was leaving everything till so last minute to do. Then started the random thing about finite time with infinite workload, and how finite burden can resolve infinite workload. WT left, EH left too soon after. Then I was left alone for awhile, felt kinda bored, so started playing dota2 again. Then C came by and sat down with a running nose. We ended up talking about his FYP and it was on-off dozing off for him cuz I was still playing. Then R came by and decided to sit down with me while she waits to go off for her dinner. Then came this surveyor who surveyed R for damn long, so I just ended up keeping myself busy by continuing to play so that she wun turn to me after she's done. But after R was done with her survey, I was still playing so end up we didn't talk at all! sorry! Then everyone left, and I was just chilling with my com, when suddenly, BSOD! =.= Long time since that happened to my com, guess its really too hot outside LT6 that the com overheat. Oh, and saw ZJ pass by saying that I'm still there. Saw S also, who commented that I'm always there, when in fact today's the only time I'm at my spot.

Well well, there's the story of the table. And it pretty much symbolize the life we have. Life is like you sitting at a table, friends come and go, some stay with you for a longer period of time, some shorter. Everyone have their own agendas, own ways to live their lives, no one can stay with you forever. Some people touch your life for a brief moment and leave the next. But life goes on, you'll still sit at that table, while friends come and go. There are moments when you are alone, but then again, you can always look back at happier times and treasure those moments that were nice.

And well, since I've talked about the morning and afternoon, I might as well talk about the night as well!

Basketball was once again, fun like always. Except that today towards the end I got kinda pissed at those strangers that we played with. They were so freaking rough! I'm usually okay with rough play, but this was really too much. Purposely nudging people out, knee-ing ppl, elbow-ing. Worst of all, although it may not be intentional but I'm guessing it was, stepping in when I'm landing from a jump to make me fall in an awkward position, ended up spraining the side of my foot. I played on despite the injury, cuz why shld I bow down to such acts?

Then came the moment in my life where for the first time, I feel like beating up a woman. I was thinking, well, since she's a girl, there's no point body blocking or charging at her, just chill and play. But then I was wrong, never look down on girls you don't know, and look tomboy-ish, oh, and play bball. Elbows, body blocks, purposely banging into me, etc. All the rough plays you can think of, I'm pretty sure she can do it. At first I was like, alright, its alright, just play on. But then there was this play where she just charged into me when I was standing still and cuz I wasn't prepared for any collision at all, I was caught off guard and was pushed back a bit. WTH, I got totally pissed off and from then on, my mindset changed and decided that hey, we're not playing against 3 guys + 1 girl, we're playing against 4 guys. Game-mode on, that's it. Oh, and I injured my palm while saving a ball. Pretty much sums up the bball game today, just injuries, and bad mood caused by rough play. =/

Owell, time to sleep! 4am le! omg

sorrow

"Your sorrowful eyes are not the eyes of someone who had given up on everything, since you are a person who'll never lose your kindness no matter the despair you are in."

Woah, such words coming from a manga. Felt alot when I read this. Are my eyes sorrowful? Maybe, somewhat. Despite the fact that I've given up on nearly everything, I don't really feel sad at all. In fact, I feel lighter. If anything, its the giving up on caring that makes me feel this way now. Its a different hurt from caring too much.

Argh, I'm at a loss of words right now. Lack of sleep's giving me problems =/

But well, bottomline is, I'm happy with the way I am now. And there's really been no feelings from my part at all. All I wanted was to maintain a happy friendship.

and you begin to wonder

Why you continue treating some people so good when the things they do to you just don't make it seem like they deserve your kindness at all.

How about putting yourself in my shoes, and see where I'm coming from? =/ It doesn't feel good being taken for granted, not at all. If this friendship has become such that we can only talk to each other when we need each other's help, I seriously don't see a point in it at all. It has become so bad that I sometimes ask myself, "can I even call you a friend?"

I only see myself hurting myself more and more by trying to maintain this friendship. It takes two hands to clap, and I only see that I'm the one doing everything. I've kinda decided to stop caring anymore, since it seems like all I do only irritates you, and the only time when I don't irritate you is when you need my help. So enough is enough, I'll still help out if I'm asked of, but other that that, I'm just not going to care anymore.

Friendships are pretty much similar to relationships in this aspect. If one party stops giving, and the other party gives too much, the latter would always be the one to get hurt. So, too bad, I'm the one who cared more, when it didn't really matter to my "friend". Perhaps, its time to be more selfish and care about myself more?

If all you wanted was for me to stop talking to you, then perfect, cause I don't feel like talking to you anymore. You're not the only one irritated here.

Priorities

Wanted to do so much today, but ended up playing the whole day away, or rather nua-ing. Its probably not an emotional thing, cuz I dun really feel anything right now, just numb. Initially, I planned to wake up early to get started on my bulk-up regime again, but well, I woke up at 12pm, just before lunch. Well, nvm, fk that regime for today, I wanted to spend the whole afternoon before RT to finish up on my ACC tut (checked), and to get a bit started on my FYP. But then, frens called me up for dota, heh, played the whole afternoon away. Wanted to get ready for RT already, then guess what, another group of ppl asked me to play. So I decided to skip the RT and just waive the last session of IPPT away, hopefully I would be able to.

Well, that's alright then, I basically spent the whole afternoon playing dota, completely ignoring the fact that I wanted to do work, and wanted to buy my running shoes after the RT session. So night came, I wanted to start on FYP after dinner, but then again, DOTA. =/

It seems that getting off facebook didn't really help at all, the time I save from FB, i just spend it on gaming. You can never convert play time to work time, but you can always convert work time to play time.

Time to seriously get started. I'm so behind time on my FYP that CA2's gonna be so bad. Not to forget that I still have BI orals coming up, and the lack of practice cuz I haven't been speaking much in Indo since I only see mich for 3 times a week and we hardly talk on wa/sms, all that ain't helping. But owell, time management is the issue here, and I should really kick dota out of my life like how I managed to kick fb out.

But then again, I'm watching dota2 tournaments every night. =/

Discipline, why do you continue to elude me?

HEY!

ooh, 600th post. Maybe a time to look back on the past?

"Ain't nobody got time for that" -insert black woman meme-

Well, I guess I've looked back on the past much enough to stop looking at it and move forward? Things that have been holding me back in the past, I've somehow managed to cast them aside in the short 9 months since the start of SEP. I'm said it time and again, I'm glad I've changed into this person I am now. Although the last 2 months or so almost made me turn back into the idiot I was, I'm glad I managed to stop it in time. Certain aspects of me that I don't like are still with me, but then again, its what makes me who I am in the first place. The fact that I get taken advantage of easily by people also comes to show how easy I am to say yes to others. In a way, its damaging for myself, but I guess so far, the damage has been rather limited?

Well well, saying goodbye to the old me. I shall dedicate this song to that "me".

It ends tonight by The All American Rejects.

"when darkness turns to light, it ends tonight"

I'm walking on a path where I'm my own torchlight, where I'll make it shine no matter where I walk. Instead of letting people be that goal for me, I shall be the goal of other people's lives. More "me", less "you", cuz I realised, you didn't see me as important as I saw you to me.

why bother

Its not my problem anyways. It has never been a problem that started because of me. If I had stay firm and kept to my stand, I would not have allowed myself to be swayed so much by someone's emotions. In a way, I would call that my fault, but the situation was never about me.

So, why bother? I'll just keep to my stand. I'm happy the way I am, and why should I allow someone to come in and break the way I live my life. Especially if that someone will probably not stay in my life for long. Friends come and go, I have long been able to accept the fact and move on. So why be different now? Is she that important to me that I wouldn't want her to leave my life?

Important, as a friend. Anything more than that, I've asked myself, and the answer is its not up to me to decide. What I know is that, I'll just stick to my stand as mentioned above. If it happens that there's feelings from her side, then we'll see how it goes again. The best would of course be that there's nothing at all.

If there's anything that really bothers me is that, if I'm just seen as a friend, then why would anyone react like that. Setting a difference between real-life and WA/sms, is there really a need for that? Shouldn't friends be able to talk no matter what, that if one party really needs somebody to talk to, the friend would be there? If anything, its the difference that makes me gaowei. And its the fact that I'm choosing to not confront about it that makes me even more gaowei. I've always been one that would want to put conflicts on the table and talk things out, so why the situation now? Maybe I just don't wanna be tied down by anything right now, I don't wanna have more things to worry about?

Yes, I'm running away from the problem, but I've already tried my best to solve it, but to no avail. Life goes on anyway. =/

the need

to dig down, and ask what I truly feel.

But do I have the time for it? Or do we have the time for each other?

I don't even have the time to truly think about how I feel right now.

I'm just so tired, so just let me rest?

100%

I realised how I like to hold myself back when there are major events coming up in life. For example, like tml, there's a 10km run, so I just find myself holding back today during IPPT. Except for sit-ups, which I usually just do 40, I just gave almost only 50% for each of the station including 2.4km. Finishing the 2.4km and not feeling tired after it even though i jogged and finished within 12.30, well, that's obviously not 100%.

Isn't it the same in life? Even though I always tell myself to give a 100% if I know I can do something, I usually hold back and give just a little bit, like 80%. So is it that I failed cuz I told myself that I would fail beforehand, or is it that failure was always there, and I was right to hold back? I have no idea.

For once, I would like to give a 100%, but I'm just so perpetually tired this sem, I don't know if I would be able to manage. So, I'm really sorry if I appear to be not interested at times, but in actual fact, I'm paying pretty alot of attention to whatever that people are saying to me.

So, would 100% be enough? =/

Well well, let's take things one step at a time, and first up, nike run 2012.

what a super long day

Phew, this day felt like forever. Went out to buy the stuff for the cooking in the morning, and ended up having to go to sch and all cuz of some delays and stuff, and perhaps miscommunication and bad planning on my part. Then during the cooking, realised that I forgot to buy coconut milk. =/ Luckily still managed to buy some in the end, and didn't cause much of a delay. The Indonesian day, overall was okay, some parts were funny and all, but somehow, halfway through, I just felt really really tired. Maybe its cuz of the lack of sleep, or maybe its cuz of running in the rain, and kenna the rain even though i was holding the umbrella (well, that kinda happens whenever I share an umbrella anyway, haha). But yeah, felt so tired after that. So when mich said her fren wanted to meet up and drink, I was half contemplating to go home and take a rest first before heading out for supper. But owell, in the end just went along. Well well, at least its kinda fun to just talk random stuff, and to think back about SEP for awhile. Haven't really thought of SEP that much ever since I got off fb anyways. Yes, I still miss Europe but not as strong as the feeling I get whenever I see my SEP photos on fb. Then again, I digressed.

So after that, was on our way to upper thomson and shun bian send mich home, but ended up stranded off to the orchard cuz both of us missed the exit. In a way, I was in the wrong cuz I wasn't in the correct lane to filter out. Well well, I guess, I need to really drive more then? Really have no idea of the roads in areas other than the west.

Then, the supper, well, cuz I was late, so by the time I got there, they've already ordered the food and were almost finished. =/ So had to dabao home lo. Come to think of it, for the whole of the day, the only proper meal I ate was my supper. =.=

And I realised I kinda slimmed down over the past few weeks. Maybe its cuz of skipping lunch and sometimes dinner, coupled with going for RT almost every other day. I have no idea how I got so lazy once school started that I abandoned my exercise regime I had before school started. Then again, I doubt I have so much time right now to start on that regime again. =/ When there's FYP, projects and all staring down at you, all the deadlines. =/ There's not even the time for things that matter, for people that matter. Time, such an important thing, but I still fail to grasp it properly. Perhaps like what mich said today, I have a poor perception of time afterall. =/

so...

I managed to pull through it myself. Finishing everything at 5am. Well, not exactly everything, still have that presentation to worry about. But from the way I see it, or rather, the lack of sleep cuz of the coffee, I highly doubt I would be able to present much tomorrow anyways. Probably will just sit down there and listen to what the others have to say. Its sad that I'm spending less time on my core, just because its not as interesting as my UEMs. Yes, human-computer interaction is indeed interesting. Provides me with ways to go about designing stuff, be it for FYP, for the razer app competition or future app designs. But the way the lecturer goes about teaching the module and the way the tutorial is handled is just, in plain words, too boring. Well, I digressed.

The main point here is, I realised that, at the end of the day, I still have to rely on myself. People who I thought would be there for me when I needed someone to talk to, well, they just aren't there. Even if they're awake, they would probably just ignore my rants. Not surprised. Afterall, people only really talk to me when they need my help. I don't blame them, really, I don't. Its human nature to approach people only when they need help. Only a select few, like myself, are stupid., or rather, naive enough to approach people just to ask if they need help. Perfect example of the phrase 烂好人. I'm really not complaining, its just the way things turn out to be, no matter who it is, or what it is. After all these years, I've learnt to just keep doing what I like to do and ignore how people see it. I mean, at the end of the day, I would rather do good and end up being hated, than do bad and end up being hated. For the first scenario, I have no idea how people do that, to hate me for doing good things for them. Maybe what I perceive as good things ain't as good as I think it is? Or perhaps people just think that I have ulterior motives.

I've had enough of this. If that's the way things are going to be, then so be it. I'm not going to try to mend whatever holes there are in this friendship.

I really can't understand. It seems that, just because I said I will never "...", then things turned out like that. Its almost as if a different answer was expected. Its almost as if I'm not the one who developed feelings, but rather the other way round. At this point of time, it doesn't really matter anymore.

I guess, the way I look at relationships is this: If the other party has feelings for me, I would seriously ask myself, do I have feelings for her? If yes, and its obvious that the other party has feelings for me too, I would say ya, I have feelings for her. But if there's no feelings whatsoever, or its the "maybe" kind of thing, then I wouldn't even go into thinking if I have feelings for her, cuz I know it would only lead to awkwardness and stuff, and I probably can't look at the person the same way anymore. At the very least, I wouldn't say anything, or rather, I would just say "nope, I don't", without even seriously thinking about it.

Argh, whatever, I'm just waiting for the coffee to wear off now. =/

I'm a bloody idiot

So fucking careless, I can't stand myself. Been doing the accounting tutorial the whole bloody night. Don't ask me why I'm only doing it the day before the tutorial itself, I had my hands full the whole freaking weekend and I was bloody sick since after bball on Friday already. Didn't help that the Sat RT basically took up the whole day cuz of it being in the middle of nowhere in the afternoon. Totally screwed up my timing. Sunday was even worse, nike run race pack collection plus concert after that. So I was only left with today to finish up on acc, and my project presentation tomorrow. And why the fuck am I blogging when I still haven't finished anything yet? Cuz I'm so fed up with myself I need to talk to someone, but no one gives a damn.

I'm a fking idiot.

The stress is just, getting to me. Like finally.

Usually I used stress as a form of getting over my sadness, but when you have nothing to be sad about, stress is just, urgh, SO freaking unnecessary.

And why the fuck am I ranting on a blog, which no one would bloody respond to? Seriously. I want someone to scold me, for not managing my time properly. I want someone to tell me to just suck it in and press on. But I'm just telling all these to myself. =/ Yes, I'm breaking down, at a wrong time in the bloody semester.

And its a fking long time I used so much blood and fucks in my blog post. Seriously, this is fucking bloody. =/

CO

Went for nusco concert today. Somehow, everytime I see Mr Lum, it would bring a smile to my face. Maybe cuz its how I get to recall those co days when I see mr lum. Those stern comments he gives us during co practices that made us such an awesome CO back then. RVCO2004, Gold (with honours). Those were the days, that we sweat (from carrying the instruments), bled (from beating the drums too hard), cried (well, the girls).

But somehow, you don't feel that about NUSCO, nor mr lum's rvco nowadays. The last concert I went before nusco concert was the rvco one at the new campus. Somehow, you just feel that the co is not able to achieve the standards of mr lum. Or rather, perhaps his expectations have dropped over the years? There's no standard of perfection when you listen to an orchestra that he conducts anymore.

I still remember why I joined RVCO. It wasn't because my sister was from the percussion before I joined. It wasn't because I thought percussion was cool. It was because of the SYF I saw, the 1999 SYF which my sis participated in. For that year, they actually had a video tape that they sold for all the SYF performances. It was in that tape, that I saw how awesome Mr Lum's conducting was. I wasn't mesmerized by how individuals performed, but by how the orchestra seemed to be in sync. And that trademark ending pose that Mr Lum used to have, which out of my four years in RVCO, he only used it once while conducting us. It was simply amazing. And the reason I wanted to experience CO under a conductor like him. Although in the end, it turned out to be Mr Low taking over RVCO, but the 4 years were probably the best CO years of my life. And the best performance? Year 4 cultural night, that solo piece I had, the one that I practiced every day after school, so much so that whenever I started playing, people knew it was me in the co room. And of cuz having her dropping by just to watch me practice, b4 we broke up that is. Then that sweet night on the concert day itself, that moment that I fell in love with my second. Well, I digress. But the performance was simply awesome. The Long Teng in year 2 for the first rvco concert was pretty awesome too, the strength of rv perc was shown there. The many hours of practices we had.

Till this day, this song still reminds me of the glory days. Was finding the song, but saw this one that made me LOL. How fail can the perc be when they need the conductor to bring them thru the first part. I still remember I was the one who led the perc all thru the front part.

I'm kinda tempted to join NUSCO, just to play some drums again. But, somehow, some stuff are just holding me back. Firstly, FYP, the pure amount of work that I'll get myself involved in would just be too much for me to handle. Secondly, that Razer app development competition would take up another bulk of my time. Thirdly, EE4702 would probably kill me with its project next sem. Coupled with the fact that I intend to return to TKD training at the end of this sem, I don't see myself having time for CO practices. But well well, we'll see how things go. If I can manage my time properly, who knows.

and then I realised the things I love

It suddenly dawned on me. The things I loved. This "me" time I've been spending with myself has taught me alot more about myself.

I like running, but then I realised, I love that short burst of speed rather than the long distance running. That's what I tried to prove today at RT. Given the chance for interval training, I just burst off at every round, and coming back well less than 1m30s for each round. Fastest being 1m10s. And I actually felt good. (: and I'm surprised that my recovery time, after all these years of not training, is still as good as it was back in those NS days. 2 mins, and I'm off and running again. So yeah, I guess in the sports aspect, I've found my true love(?). Not long dist, but sprints. Marathons still have a special place in my heart, its the measure of one's endurance and the heart to train. But having that short burst of speed gives me much more thrill and satisfaction.

And that's why, following up on yesterday's "i want to be more sporty", I've decided to play more sports that involve that short burst of speed. Basketball (thankfully I've never stopped loving bball), badminton, soccer, and any other sport that I would pick up in the future. And hopefully, this love for speed would be useful for my tkd when I get back in the future.

I hope all these ain't just a spur of the moment thingy by me, and I hope that I would have the discipline to keep to any training I subject to myself from now on.

Discipline, I desperately need it.

Oh, and about the RT, its like wth. We were told to pair up with someone. Then 1 will run one lap while the other one will do one static exercise until the buddy comes back. So I paired up with this random dude. I think my one lap was like less than a minute (not a full 400m lap), whereas his was like 2+ mins? So it was basically me doing 1 min runs followed by 2+ mins of static exercises. I dun hate doing these exercises but its just that, u spend so much effort to complete ur lab just so that he does not need to do that much static, but the other party doesn't feel the same, doesn't do the same. So yeah, that's it. whatever. =/

And, I love having friends around me. I love spending time with people that care, and with people that I care for. I don't know if it will cross the bother of friendship, but one thing I know for sure is, if no one falls in love with me, I would not fall in love with her. Simple as that. Liking a person is one thing, falling in love is another. As of now, I'm not in love, and I'm not unhappy about it.

why limit ourselves?

Why am I still letting my past have a hold on my future? Why am I letting the fact that my legs were injured so badly in the past affect how I choose to live my life?

I should just continue to be sporty. Yes, I've decided on that. Never felt so good in a long time, running with my all while playing bball. Probably cuz its been a long time since I last played full court so I didn't know how to control my speed and just chiong-ed. At the very least I didn't feel anything wrong with my legs after all the running. I actually felt good about it.

So yeah, I've decided. I shall be more sporty! more sports, more running! and to join back tkd at the end of this term! And oh yeah, install chin-up bar at home!!

Why limit ourselves, with our past?

I want to be more selfish

than I already am? or should I say I'm not selfish enough?

There's really a whole lot of things that I want, but just cuz I wanna make everyone happy, to make certain people happy, to make someone happy, I choose to do certain things which put myself in a disadvantageous situation. Why bother? When people are not willing to do as much as what you do for them? Well well, in the first place, it is not whether you will get returns for effort you've put in. One prime example? Being so careless despite putting in so much effort. =/ Okay, that's a bad example. I'm just reckless, but yeah, you get what I mean. Sometimes, it does not pay to do good, but does that mean we should stop doing good? I'm still in the belief that one day, someone will understand the good things I do for them, and decide to reciprocate the kindness. Then when that day comes, that someone would probably be the one. But well, right now, there's no one. Maybe if we're more honest with each other, and make our feelings known, there would be less confusion. But well well, I just choose to hide my true feelings. That's not really a bad thing though. Especially in this situation.

If only we could read each others' minds. =/

How I met your mother

Aww yeah! my favourite show is back, and I've got 3 episodes of it to catch up on. All before my last mid-term paper on thursday. Guess I'm just gonna procrastinate it till last minute studying on wed night.

Haha, loved the first episode. Still as funny as ever, albeit marshall and lily were just a tad lame in this one. What caught my mind the most was the ending part where Klaus explained the two German words, Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz and Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand.

So what do these two words mean? Well, the first means the one, while the second one means the thing that is almost the thing that you want, but not quite. 

And nope, sadly, Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz has not appeared in my life. Well, even if she did, I would probably have missed it cuz I've not been thinking of that, for a long long time. Well, as for beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand, its been hits and misses here and there.

Maybe its cuz of this mentality, that I don't even bother thinking whether there's feelings whatsoever. The mentality of not wanting to be in a relationship, the mentality of not wanting to lose a friend, the mentality of "so-what". Slowly over time, it has become a mentality of not caring what happens. And now, I don't even know what I want anymore with regards to relationships. Well, well, that was confusing, and it even confuses me too.

But I really can't be bothered now. =/ Life's just giving me too much things to handle. Maybe that's why I chose the easy way, to wait for somebody to fall in love with me rather than me going after someone. Heh, if that's the case, I can see myself talking to my adopted kids, telling them "How I never met your mother".

There was this weird dream the other day where I dreamt of myself being tgt with someone, and I actually know that person. But as the situation is now, it is better that I don't even think about it. =/

The dilemma, of not wanting to be in a relationship vs needing someone there to talk to when you need it. Hmmm, well well. I guess it overlaps? The needing someone to talk to, somehow, it will make the other party feel like I want to get into a relationship, but what all I wanted was someone to talk to. 

I hope life had an easy way out, but there's never an easy way out. All the choices are tough, and the way I am now, I'm just leaving the problems to the future me. =/

生日快乐

我对自己说

one of my favourite wen lan's songs. haha. Well, yeah, happy birthday to myself. Love how I'm off fb, wun have the need to reply to every single birthday wishes. If ppl bothered to rmb, then they'll rmb. If they don't, not like it really matters to me anyways. Its just another day.

And just like any other day, the likelihood of bad things happening remains the same. And guess what, I pulled another muscle. Hurh. Luckily its not one of my leg muscle, but this time round, its the whole shoulder area to the biceps. Very very unlucky. Mounted the chin-up bar, decided to do a jump start while in the over-graft position, then heard my muscle go "kraakkk". Wtf, i immediately jumped down from the bar, and that's it, i knew it was pulled. Its still movable, but wun be able to do pushups/chinups for awhile.

Well well, its not as if its the first time. Everytime I peak my fitness for my arms, I tend to pull them some way or another, and it goes on a downward spiral cuz of lack of training. Perhaps that's why I can never pass my IPPT, always getting injured =/ Should I down PES? But I dun want ppl to have the mentality that I chao geng. I could have down PES with all the injuries I've had in the past, but well, all the years, I thought that I would be fine if I just pull through. But this is only the third year into my NSMEN life, and I'm like that already. Can't really imagine what would my fitness level be like in 7 years. =/

Well, other than that, nothing much happened today. Basically just nua-ed at home. Not even a single bit motivated to do work when I have so much due next week. Well well.

One bad thing leads, well, to another

Its been a long time I've let myself out so easily. Its been a long time that I've overthink things to such an extent. But what the heck. Just cuz of one freaking bad presentation, and now, i'm in a super sian mood.

Somebody get me out of this shit please. Just spiraling down this pit of emo-ness.

I usually use the parallel universe thingy to cheer myself up, but doesn't seem to be working this time round. Its a double-edged sword afterall. Well, the parallel universe thing goes like this:

For every decision that you make in your life, every point when you can make a choice, the universe splits, and there's an infinite number of universes out there based on all those decisions that different people make. So theoretically, there's an infinite number of universes where you are worse off than what you are feeling now in this universe, so what's the point of being emo? Sounds perfect right, but then the double edge sword comes in. There's also an infinite number of universes out there where those "you"s over there are having a better life. And you think to yourself, what the heck?

Looking back at all those decisions I've made in my life. Owell, there might be that "me" who didn't fall into the drain and broke my leg in sec sch that left me with a fk up shin for the rest of my life. That "me" would probably be running happily, and probably a national tkd player if everything went well. Then there's the "me" who was able to manage time properly, that I wouldn't neglect neither my gf nor my parents, and find it hard to keep one party happy. That me would probably have a gf of 8 years by now and looking to get married and stuff. Then there's the "me" who, owell, there's so much "me"s out there.

Sucks to be me now, this, argh, I hate this.

I just want to wake up happy tml again. =/

OBAMA, why u so cool!

Hahaha, his rebuttal against Romney was simply up there. I mean, it doesn't matter if he sucked against Romney in the debate yesterday, but it was just pure funny how he rebutted today. Poor big bird and elmo! XD

Owell, anw, back to today. Probably ended off the week with the worst possible scenario. Whole morning till afternoon was still okay. Managed to prep for my presentation while waiting for mich at the bus stop. The cooking session was okay. Didn't really like the bubur though. =/ but mian qiang had to eat 2 bowls =.= and too bad we ended up doing the bubur, not like it really matters. Its not whether its nice anw, its about how easy it is to make ba. At least out of the 3, it looks the easiest.

Then came the nightmare. Have no freaking idea why I just suddenly had this stupid mindblock while presenting for my CS mod. I just stared at the slide on the screen on the opposite side, and my mind just went blank. All the preparation that I've done previously just gone down the drain like that. Yes, I admit I probably didn't put in enough time to prep for the presentation. But, was really too held up with studying for midterms that I didn't really have time for this. =/ But still, the first time in my uni life that a mindblock affected me so badly. I just literally read off from the slides after that. Ugh, damn cui. Totally spoiled my day, a day that otherwise would feel rather okay for me.

Totally no mood to do anything now. Just sitting infront of my com, watching dota 2 streams while singing away.

Oh, and Chris Rene's new album, well, I kinda like the music, but the lyrics. Eh, so-so. I mean, so much sexual stuff, i was like, meh. The best song is probably young homie for its lyrics and music, but the rest are just like, cui lyrics. haiz. Was expecting more, but owell.

Rawr, back to self-k. ):

Should I have gone for SEP?

Owell, lets answer that question up there. YES! I'm so damn glad that I went for SEP. Only bad thing about it? I'm missing it every once in awhile. Ok, actually I start missing Europe everything I see something about Europe, be it on TV or on the Internet, or even seeing friends I've travelled around Europe with.

Then comes the dilemma, should I go back to Europe for grad trip with my EE friends, or should I explore other parts of the world by myself? It wouldn't be a grad trip if you don't travel with the friends you have studied the four years with right? But then again, we didn't really spend the past 3.5 years including this sem together. First year maybe, but second year, the group split, third year, well, was so busy with tkd and other stuff that I hardly spent time with them, then I went for SEP. And now, this sem, I don't even have any common mods with them. ): but I really wanna travel with them. But Europe again.. hmmm, well well.

Watched this tour show of Belinda travelling around Europe. Argh. ARGh. ARRRHHHHH. rawr.

Anyway, this week draws to an end. Started off pretty badly, with a rather f up FYP presentation cuz I realised how my nice-ness was once again made use of. Stolen ideas, owell. Its too late. Just have to press on I guess. Glad that everything turned for the better as the week gone by. The change in attitude was probably a factor, but glad that everything is back to normal. Tuesday & Wednesday were just awesome stay-at-home days. Managed to concentrate fully in the day to finish up revision for ACC and some revision for BI. Then went for IPPT, and surprisingly, after 1 month of not doing any upper-arm exercises, my pull-ups changed from 1 to 7. Okay, maybe cuz usually when I did, I didn't bother going up anymore after 1, but somehow on the bar ytd, hearing the electronic system counting for me, you just feel that extra bit of motivation. But then again, as always, I can never pass SBJ. Owell. This morning was even better, seeing laoda and yc early in the morning b4 the test and just talk cock for awhile made me rather relaxed. Having mich there to discuss about the test before and after somehow makes the test a less daunting task, something that has been missing for quite some time cuz of the mods I've been taking alone for the past 1 year. Glad that I'm so confident about the test that I think the least I would get is 90%, that's some confidence coming from someone who usually only puts 100% in the finals.

Compared to the week before recess week, I wld say it has gone a 180 degrees. But as another week ends, I'm getting closer to deadline day for CA2. My reluctance to start on java programming isn't really helping. I have no idea why I don't want to move on to java. Probably cuz of how I'm more interested in developing for windows phone, which is c#, and that I'm afraid that moving on to Java would make me forget about C#. Well well, C#, I have to say bye to you for a while then. My love-affair with programming languages. ):

Bday

Birthday coming, but owell, has never been one to celebrate birthdays.

I like the birthday resolutions though. And to think of stuff to get for myself, so owell, here it goes.

1) New running shoes, hopefully getting a new pair would make me want to run more!
2) Brown belt for TKD, hopefully getting that belt would make me go to trainings on saturdays.
3) New basketball, that basketball I got from my 21st has become a hairy bastard.
4) New ear phones, the one I having now, the ear loop is breaking off already. ):

Woah, that's surprisingly all I want for this year =.=

Oh, I need more discipline too. =/

Dreams

Had a strangely long dream while napping just now. Pretty amazed by how I can remember this dream so clearly.

Dreamt that I was back in Europe again, Liverpool to be precise, cuz I recognized the buildings and stuff in my dream. It was a Saturday morning (automatically presumed that its saturday, cuz I was working), I was in my office, typing off on my desktop, multi-screens, apparently I'm a programmer, and by the looks of it, a boss. The view from the windows was simply amazing, Albert Docks. No idea which part of Liverpool I was in, but I clearly recognize the Albert Docks. Then I got off work, and drove down to Anfield to watch Liverpool play in the Merseyside derby. Think I'm a pretty big shot over there, was in one of the lounges together with a few other ang mohs, and a few friends visiting Liverpool from SG. Won the game 2-0.

Then after the match, I headed to this tae-kwondo dojo, where apparently I'm one of the instructors. I'm already black belt 3rd dan, and there were kids all around calling me sir. Feels pretty much the same as those TKD sessions in Singapore.

Then I headed home, no idea why I ran back, when I had a car. But I saw everything that I liked so much about Liverpool in my dream. My house was just an apartment, where there weren't any walls, but the size of the apartment is like that of the one I'm living in right now. Can clearly see the bed, the sofas, the tv once you enter the house. Was immediately welcomed by two cats when I entered the house, one white and one black. Then I fell asleep on the bed in my dream.

Pretty much what I remember. But really, it seemed like an accumulation of everything that I dream of in real-life. Or rather, want to be. I want to be back in Europe again. I want to live in Liverpool. I want to work as a programmer, or even, to be my own boss of a small game development firm. I want to watch Liverpool matches at Anfield. I want to get my TKD black belt. I want to have my own apartment. I want to like running again. I want to have a cat, two would be good.

Its amazing how the things you want change in your life. I still remember back in JC days, while my ex and I were still together, what we wanted for our future was pretty simple. We just wanted to sell ice-cream together, be it by using an ice cream truck or opening a shop. It was a simple dream, naive, if you want to say so. Then things changed alot after the break-up, for a while, I didn't know what I wanted, and even when I first entered Uni, I had no idea what I'm doing with my life. Then I started loving programming, found an internship where I honed my programming skills, and I continue to do so now. Suddenly, I had the dream of being a programmer. Then I found back my passion for TKD (though I'm kinda scared to return now), but I'll definitely join back by next sem. I thought I would be happy to stay in SG, to stay by my parents' side while continuing to pursue my dream of being a programmer. But after coming back from SEP, alot of things changed. How the lifestyle over there appeals to me so much. The much more relaxing way of living, as compared to the buzz of Singapore. Oh, and before I left for SEP, I wanted to be in a r/s so much, that now I think about it, it was kinda dumb. But now, I'm just happy to be by myself, happy to have friends around me, whom might not give the love that a r/s would provide, but still are able to make me happy.

I always thought I wouldn't change as a person, but I was clearly wrong. Change is the only thing that's constant after all. I'm just glad that I changed to become a happier person. The things that hurt me now are so much different form the things that hurt me in the past.

HURR

Amazed by my lack of discipline for the day. Wanted to finish up the flash app, but ended up making almost zero progress on it. Spent the whole day drawing the components on flash, but ended up realising that things would be much easier if I combined everything into one frame. Hurr, lack of foresight, plus being not familiar with actionscript has brought this unto me.

Owell, with that said. I need to run soon~ Everything is catching up. Be it the fats that I feel are beginning to build up around my tummy again, or those covering up the muscles I've built up over the summer.

One word: Discipline.

That's all I need now.

Got off!

Finally got off facebook. Not something I would expect myself to do a few months ago. But I guess, circumstances have forced me to do so. Probably cuz I needed more time to study, consider how I still carry on playing DOTA2 and the need to start training for Stand Chart, the only place where I can get back some time is probably facebook. Also, maybe cuz of what happened the past week. It suddenly feels weird that someone who has been there to support you just disappears liddat from your life. Okay, you're still there, but it just feels different. And I didn't need fb to be there to remind me of the happier times.

Owell, I guess that's it and that's that. With that said, blogging will be less too! Time to really hit the books, and get started on my FYP. (:

I need some "me" time

This whole past week has been hell of a week. On one end, I can't seem to figure out why a friendship that was going so well could change over just 3(?) days. On the other hand, this step-away from her for the past 2 days have made me realise how dependent on her I was, in terms of looking for someone to talk to. Perhaps cuz she was around for 3 out of 7 days a week, that's why it felt that its only perfectly normal to talk to her when I needed someone to talk to. Maybe it wasn't my fault at all, but its only me to feel this way. That no matter what, I'm somehow the one at fault. Maybe that's why I kept apologizing. But I guess it doesn't really matter right now. I've lost a friend that I thought would be there for me for life. I guess I was wrong.

No one can always be there for you for life. 但是天总会黑，人总要离别，谁也不能永远陪谁. 

I guess, no matter how close you feel you are to someone, there's always a need for some space in between, before one of the two breaks down, and stuff like these happen. Lesson learnt, but lost a good friend in the process. Its a pity things will never be the same again. I'll miss the random banters, the random conversations, the random cravings for korean food and everything that was fun. Thank you, and sorry. I know you may not read this, but Michelle Lim, I'm truly sorry.

Also, I realised how long I've been missing out on my "me" time. There has been rather little time for me to think for myself. It has been all about hanging out with friends, friends, friends and friends this whole while. So what do I want? I want to run. Run off the stress, run off whatever that hurts in life. But the thing that really hurts me, is the fact that I'm actually told not to run. I still wanna give it a push though. Try for this year's marathon, it may well be my last, but if I don't try, I'll never know how far my legs can bring me. Its sad that the things I love to do all involve the legs, and my legs are the most injured part of my body. Knee cartilage injury, hairline cracks on both shins, ankle that easily sprains. But I still want to kick on and run on. That's what I really want.

On a side note, the whole missing Europe thing is reaching such a bad point, that I'm actually feeling the need to get off facebook, get off 9gag, get off everything that is online, just so that I wouldn't miss Europe that bad. Ah, the good times. But, seriously. Stop thinking.

Recess week, time for some serious work to be done.

As I sit here

I suddenly feel lost. Just sitting here, at home. Wondering.

What went wrong? How did I screw up this friendship? What have I done? All the questions, with no answers. Was being honest the mistake? Should I have handled it in another way? At the end of the day, the mistake seemed to be I opened my heart to someone who didn't see the friendship like I did. For the past 8 months, the wall that I spent so much effort on building around myself, just cuz I opened that little door for someone to come in, and the wall just crumbled. Maybe I shouldn't let ppl stay inside this wall for too long? =/

I thought it was okay. I thought it was okay to let someone that I know I won't fall in love with come in. Afterall, there're so many of these friends inside this wall of mine. I would want to say 一颗老鼠屎，搞坏了整锅粥, but nah, I would rather not think that way. Maybe its just cuz she's not the kind of friend I thought she was? I still want to think that my initial view of her was correct, that despite her personality, she's still someone who's worth being a friend with. I still secretly hope that its just a "at the moment" kinda thingy, that after all the events of the past few days die down, everything would be back to normal again. I don't want to get that feeling that I 看错人, that someone I decided to put my trust in would turn out to be someone who dun value the friendship as much as I do.

Its a different kind of not wanting to let go. I always thought its just the relationships that involve love that are hard to let go. I thought that because of what I became after SEP, the "happy-to-be-single" person that I am now, I wouldn't have to face the problem of having to let someone go in my life. At the end of the day, the thing that made it hard for me to let go was never love, it was the trust that I put in a person. Now I know why I felt that sadness when I realised that my other friend won't be the same cuz he got tgt with his gf. Its that outlet of trust that you know you'll be losing once you let go. But sometimes, you have no choice.

I would rather people not come into my life, make me leave my comfort zone, make me place my trust in them, screw around with my trust, and just leave like that. If that's the case, I guess I shouldn't be placing my trust in anyone at all anymore.

I know I'll still be happy, this won't affect me that much in the long term, but I just feel damn messed up and emo tonight, cuz it feels as if I just lost a friend. ):

Never cried in a long while, but I just did, like how the sky is going to now.

I still hope we can be back to normal again.

So, its not just love that would make me emo, just that I never knew I could get so emo over friendship. Sucks to be emo, when I just want to smile, laugh and enjoy my last year in NUS.

Be strong, stay strong, cry tonight, and smile tomorrow. You're stronger than this. (:

On hind sight

I guess that was pretty harsh. Coupled with stress from stupid FYP, i once again said stuff without thinking. Owell, maaf!

RAWR

I just freaking hate it when I'm misunderstood. And I hate it even more when I try my best to explain myself (I'm bad at words, so things end up long-winded, but at least I tried), and u just go with simple one-worded replies. At the end of the day, its just because I chose to value a friendship more than the other party did. I guess I should have just stuck to my whole SEP mindset of not opening my heart to others, not even to close friends. Should have just stuck to that SEP mindset of making myself happy instead of trying to make everyone happy, its not even worth it. At the very least I wouldn't be feeling this shitty now. Oh, and wad sucks more? I thought shit only happens when you fall in love, i guess you didn't need to fall in love for shit to happen eh? kthxbye.

Look back, and reminisce (Progress: Finished!!)

Long time since I've blogged! Been pretty stagnant since when? Hmmm, mother's day while I was in Europe.  But yeah! So many things have happened since then, I don't even know where I should start on. But I'm not here to blog about what has happened between then and now. Rather, its a look back at the past, and remember all that I've missed about SEP. So many things, that I didn't appreciate, and now I'm missing these little things.

I know I should really be studying now, but sometimes, you just have to take a chill pill, sit back and take a look at the past and relive those fond memories in your mind, before you forget them. (:

Let's start off with an overview of the little things in Tampere followed by a chronological way of looking back, since its easier to remember that way. Will focus more on the little things that I didn't know I would miss so much.

Overview
1) Loved walking around in the coldness, and feeling the warmth of my downjacket.
2) Loved cooking my own meals, and loving the taste no matter how badly I may have cooked it.
3) Loved the potluck sessions we had, still can vaguely remember everyone's dishes. (yunxuan's "icecream n' fruits", ivie's "nice" curry, ivie's nice cake that she baked, xiaochen's signature dumplings, finian's bak kut teh, alex's pastas, clarence's AWESOME chicken rice, yunxuan's tom yum and so much more)
4) Loved just sitting in my room sipping on the bottle(s) of whiskey that were ever-present in my room.
5) Loved the thin walls of the apartment, that I could hear what my room-mates were talking about on their skype :P
6) Loved the times when my room-mates are cooking their own meals and I can smell them from my room.
7) Loved those chocolate digestive biscuits that can be my breakfast/lunch/dinner/supper.
8) Loved how I was able to make my decisions on whether I should go to school based on whether I've slept enough.
9) Loved how the sky darkened so fast, that sometimes, I can go a day without seeing sunlight at all just because I slept through it.
10) Loved the snow (:
11) Loved running in the snow, and able to wear running jacket, trackpants with long johns inside and yet not sweat. (:
12) Loved how I could just go out for a run or a stroll in the cold when I'm feeling down.
13) LOVED the many sauna sessions that we had, where we just sat in there and "chilled" & talk cock.
14) Loved drinking my favourite long beer while watching running man or soccer matches. (although had to stop drinking it cuz whiskey was so much cheaper)
15) Loved skyping home to chat with mom & dad and seeing my baby nephew at the same time. 
16) Loved how the water from the taps are like icy cold when u turn it to cold, and lava hot when u turn it to hot.
17) Loved fanzhe's random moments, always able to make us laugh.
18) Loved mom Ivie's big and wide-mouth laughter, brightens up the mood.
19) Loved dajie xiaochen's dumplings, its like the best in the world.
20) Loved Alex's company as a house-mate, at least I had a fellow Singaporean where we could look out for each other.
21) Loved(?) Finian's dirty jokes, hahaha, always looking at girls.
22) Loved Nigel being a Liverpool fan, always having someone to cheer tgt with when we watched matches.
23) Loved Clarence's photography skills, always capturing the best moments.
24) Loved Yunxuan's carbo-overloaded moments, too bad we didn't get to see more of it.
25) Loved the travelling with friends. Did so many things together that it almost feels as if we're a family.
26) Loved the Italy trip with my favourite Vespa gang, and the fun things we did together. (Thank you yong cong, tessa & laoda rachel!)
27) Loved the Northern lights that we saw in Kiruna, memorable experience, and surely one to remember for a lifetime.
28) Loved the gang that I travelled together with in Germany. (Buying 2 bottles of wines at 4 euros each, and just walking on the streets drinking them. Climbing to the top of the tower and taking self-shots while being blown away by the wind)
29) Loved the hamburg peeps' hospitality when I visited them, made me feel so much at home. (:
30) Loved the one time where we went to watch ice hockey tgt, but yunxuan was busy looking at other stuff :P
31) Loved the buildings of Italy(Rome, Venice, Florence) where I just couldn't stop appreciating the architecture beauty.
32) Loved roaming the streets of Barcelona by myself, being able to do everything by myself, planning my own routes, following my own timings, eating whatever I want, standing in the rain while watching the magical fountain.
33) Loved my visit to Anfield, nuff said
34) Loved the drinking and htht session we had on the cruise back to Helsinki from Russia.
35) Loved making my way around Granada by myself, weaving through the small alleys and all.
36)Loved the sunset on the cruise.
37) Loved taking planes (only took the plane twice before going to europe, and ended up taking like more than 20 times after all the trips)
38) Loved skipping lessons just to travel. :P
39) Loved how Europe changed me as a person, be it being less emotional or being more daring to try out new things.
40) Loved the fact that I have so many things that I loved, that I would stop at 40 and leave everything else in the blog (with photos).

January

1) Arriving at Finland airport in the wee hours of the morning, and happily volunteering to recce the outside of the airport with Finian just to feel the coldness. Walking into negative temperature in t-shirt, jeans, beanie and gloves, and running back in straightaway. Silly, but fun. (:

2) Staying with everyone at the hotel in Tampere before moving into the hostel, first steps towards knowing each other better (: (and our cab/room full of 10 ppl's luggages)

3) Walking around the city with just a thin jacket, challenging our limits (with Alex), and even to the extent of contemplating whether to wear just singlet and army shorts (:

4) Moving into hostel, and taking photos of the place, loving the snow, the white room, the nice kitchen and the independence. (:

5) Just sitting down in my room and sipping on my coffee like an old man. (:
6) Cooking our own meal for the first time (pity that Alex and I didn't have the same eating timings for dinner, else could have cooked alot more together) (:

7) Not forgetting the cold toilet bowl, that my butt managed to get used to at the end of SEP. (:
8) The lovely hot shower when its so cold in the room. (:
9) My lovely heater which doesn't work that well, but because of it, the feeling of snuggling up under my banklets just felt so much better. (:
10) The first trip to IKEA to shop for our own furniture to use for the 6 months. Freedom in its own way. (:
11) Our first clubbing experience in Tampere, where we made one person drink 1 shot of tequilla for every shot that each of us drank. (:

12) Drinking at the bar and just chilling with the finnish, the exchange students, and fellow Singaporeans.

13) Our first snowman! cute and little~ (:

14) The crazy session we had of making the gigantic snowmen!

15) Exploring Tampere, the lake that I only learned to love towards the end ): the nice tower, the many churches in the city center, and not forgetting the guys' first and only night out at the strip club

16) My first CNY away from home, away from family, although something bad happened that day back here in SG, but at the end of the day, all the fun friends over there managed to brighten up my mood. Certainly a different CNY from the rest of the ones I had. (:

17) International food exchange day! Tried all the nice food from all over the world. Those french food were the best, all the pastries. -drools-

February

18) First trip out of Finland, to Sweden! Most expensive trip of all, but probably the most eventful one as well. Kinda strengthened our friendships after all that happened.
19) Loved the cottage in Kiruna that us guys had to ourselves. So cosy, like one small family, out in the woods, next to a frozen leg. XD I would certainly want to go back there once more, if I had the money.

20) That awesome dog sledging experience! The cute huskies, me staring at the awesome nightsky with all the stars while the huskies brought us over the frozen lake, the frostburn I had, the warm soup and awesome sandwich. Definitely justified the expense.

21) NORTHERN LIGHTS! Would I ever forget them? The dancing aurora, the excitement we had when we first stepped out of the cottage and saw how beautiful it was. And it even appeared for us on the second night. (:

22) Shooting star!! When I saw it, I immediately thought, I just want my friends and family to be happy. (:
23) Ice hotel! The snow mobil before that was amazing as well, but nothing beats seeing the ice hotel with my own eyes.

24) Trudging in the snow in the middle of the night, on a frozen lake. (:

25) That Valentine's Day potluck, with everyone missing their gfs/bfs, and those single guys happily being single, we celebrated the day of friendship <3 p="p">

26) Trip to Rovaniemi, where we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves with the train rides and the cosy cottage we stayed in. Always loved htht sessions, and that small htht guys' talk session that we had, well, let's keep it to ourselves (: 

March

27) Then came March, where I probably made the best decision of my SEP, which resulted in one of the most treasured trip I've had while on SEP. My beloved Vespa gang (:

p.s: although we haven't had time to get together and just chat away, this group will always have a special place in my heart (: Laoda Rachel, the disowned Tessa & the leather-jacket Yong Cong, thanks for the fun times we had together in Italy, and let's hope we can travel together again

28) First stop in Venice, fell in love with the city the moment I stepped out of the bus. Wandered around the city while waiting for the gang to come in from Swiss. Loved the crazy moments we had there, from drinking champagne (or was it wine) in the hostel, to sharing food, such fun times (:

29) Loved how we found Antonio in this souvenir shop and created the Vespa Gang at the same time. Random, but memorable (:

30) Loved just lying randomly on open plazas and just chilling away. Such carefree-ness that cannot be found in Singapore

31) Loved how we just took random shots here and there. Once again, random but memorable. Its these small little things that make me realise how I miss the times travelling.

32) Leaving our mark in Florence (:

33) Trip around UK, first time planning a trip by myself (of cuz with a bit of help from Ivie), just glad that everything went well. (:

34) Simply loved WICKED!! First musical I've watched, so obviously its the best I've seen (:

35) First and last pub crawl. Good experience, but certainly not the lifestyle I would live. The free shots at all the clubs sucked anw :P

36) What did I love about London? Probably the way it reminded me of Singapore in some parts, while other parts of it were so full of History and interesting stories.

37) Loved how we went around London looking for all the stadiums in London, mocking the teams, respecting the great

38) Loved the experience of watching a football match live, although it wasn't at my beloved Anfield, but the Old Trafford, its certainly an experience to remember, totally different from the feeling you get from watching on tv.

39) Loved my visit to Liverpool, Anfield, the city, the beatles stadium, the albert docks, all felt so..peaceful. Definitely the city I would want to retire in. (: <3 liverpool="liverpool" p="p" ynwa="ynwa">

40) Oh, I almost forgot to mention how I loved the majesty of the tower bridge. So ancient, so nice.

April

41) Month of Easter, which I loved so much, cuz of the sheer amount of travelling I did in the month. I actually travelled every single week of the month and I believe I spent less time in Tampere than in other countries. Let's kick it off with a pic of Antonio covered in snow on the first day of travel (:

42) Loved how cheap the food was in BUDAPEST!! Its like, less than 10 euros, we could get ourselves a full-course meal, with appetizer, main course, dessert plus wine! Plus the snacks there were so cheap, and we just snacked and drank (coke) away~ hahaha

43) Loved the cycling we had around Budapest, cycling in a foreign country, checked! XD

44) Very much loved the train ride from Budapest to Prague, so much fun on the train, but that wasn't the best train ride yet, if only we knew how fun train rides would be ;)

45) And in Prague, we met up with my beloved VESPA again!! So happy when I saw them (: Other than that, Prague was pretty bad cuz of how rude the people there were

46) Oh, but I loved walking around in the morning with friends who didn't mind waking up early to walk (: (and suddenly find myself laughing while remembering how YC was shivering in the morning and asking me for my blanket b4 I left the room)

47) Biggest group photo ever (of SEP students), i think. haha

48) Then came the crazy night on the train, where we basically talked the night away, braided my hair, braided yunxuan's hair, and meeting another big group of Singaporean exchange students on the train itself. Small world. (Sadly, I can't find any pics of the train, but found this proof of yx's braided hair!)

49) Loved seeing yunxuan's released version after all the carbs intake, so fun, and enjoyable to watch hahahaha.

50) Loved the hostel at Krakow, basically I find myself loving big hostels where we can just sit together in the middle of the room, talk cock, sing song, and drink the night away

51) The informative tour to Auswitzch camp (can't spell it properly, its 2am alr -,-), learning the history, remembering the dead, and remembering the lessons learnt, so that we as humans won't do it again.

52) Then after a short stay in Tampere to finish up some of the work, I whisked off to Germany, by myself! Loved taking planes alone, loved taking trains alone, loved walking around alone, this was probably where I started loving travelling alone. But that, was till I reached Hamburg, where I met up with the rest of the people that I was supposed to travel together with for the next few days. (:

53) Loved how these hamburg people made me feel like I was back in Singapore, so much so that I visited them twice, but that's another story in May. (:

54) Germany, where I fell in love with Rittersports cornflakes (:

55) Then we were off to Freiburg! for Titisee and Blackforest

56) Loved the unexpected snowy mountain that we went up to, while we were totally not wearing anything that could keep us warm enough in the snow.

57) Loved how going to Titisee brought me back to nature, something that I've not been seeing alot throughout the time I've been travelling in Europe.

58) Climbing up the observation tower to take photo in the cold and windy weather. AND it was raining plus hailing! Crazy us!

59) Climbing to Neusthwanstein was probably the best climb of my SEP. (: all the photos taken up there, so worth a place here, that I'm just gg to spam them ;)

Loved how Sujee photobombed this pic in that pose

Vespa @ Castle!

F4!?

The Germany group (:

60) Loved chatting away with laoda while we were climbing down the hill. Basically, I love friends who I can talk non-stop with (:

61) Then came the craziest trip of all! The Russia Trip! where I travelled with crazy ppl I alr knew (yx, iv, tiff, fz, xc,cr), and we were joined by even crazier ppl, weiting and michelle, with two normal ppl in ruyi and jon. Pure havoc, but I still remember my comment about this trip: The city sucked, but the company made it worth it (:

62) Loved taking the cruise too, from waiting for the sunrise, to the drinking session we had, to the htht. Pure craziness? Pure fun. (:

63) Loved the vodka drinking and champagne drinking on the nights in Russia too! Man, I actually miss the vodka in russia, the vodka back in sg just can't compare to the ones we had over there.

May

64) Last month of SEP was basically spent mostly in Tampere finishing up my work, but at the same time, catching up with all the new friends I made on SEP and all the old friends (sadly, through online means, like fb chat, msn, whatsapp & skype). But still glad that we managed to keep in touch, afterall, I hate it the most when friendships just die like that.
65) Realised how beautiful a place Tampere was, just before I left. The lake that we didn't visit much, looks so much better in the spring, and the weather was actually perfect for running!

66) Then I left for my lone journey through Spain the next day, turned out to be the best experience of my life so far, well, at least the best solo experience (:
67) But before that, went on a tour around Bremen with Alex & Finian, loved the walking around Bremen to just sight-see like tourists, and drinking beer in the evening by the bay

68) Oh, and I realised how much I love taking trains in Germany, the conductors are so friendly! Even reminding me to alight at the right stop.
69) So before I headed to Spain, I spent another 2 nights in Hamburg, visiting those over there and doing some sight-seeing, spending some quality time with Tessa, just catching up on things. Always loved Hamburg for how everyone there made me feel at home (:
70) FINALLY BARCELONA~ sunny spain! or so i thought, but this was what I saw the moment I got down from the plane ):

71) If raining in Spain means my whole Spain journey would be messed up, I was totally in for a surprise. I loved the running bean tours they had over there, so informative and brought me to all the places that I myself wouldn't have known.
72) Loved the food in Spain.
73) Loved the metro stations in Barcelona, every station feels so different. Especially loved the liceu one.

74) Loved walking around myself, don't need to care about timing, don't need to care about where I am, just wandering around the streets like I actually live there.
75) My mini emo session at la fountain magica actually opened up my mind, and realised the kind of lifestyle I want. Its okay to be single, its okay to be by myself, I have friends when I need people to talk to, so what's there to be sad about? Stay awesome, I told myself then, and I'm still a happy kid now (:

76) Loved Sagrada Familia, the majesty of it. Not a christian, but just love the building, no idea why

77) Loved how random things can get in Barcelona, bargaining with uncle for a jersey, price slashed from 40 euros to 25, to 10, then I decided not to buy. Random strike on the streets, airport with torn newspaper all over the place, random-ness at its best (:

78) I particularly loved this one that I saw in the washroom. So cute. hahaha

79) Loved barcelona's airport, so big, and so fun just to walk about in it.
80) Then came Granada, a place I've heard so much about, and I wasn't disappointed (:
81) Loved climbing up the slopes of Granada just to see the Alhambra from different places. The sheer amount of climbing I did in Granada was simply crazy, even much more than I did all over Europe. But it was definitely worth it. (: (But seriously, dear tourist, what were u trying to take here)

82) Loved how no matter where you go, there's something to see in Granada (well, at least for the old district that's the case) Great scenery everywhere, loved the following one especially (like how my hair looks so smooth, :P, and my smile here, truly happy from within)

83) Loved watching the flamengos, authentic ones by gypsies.
84) Loved how the bartender just treated me to drinks cuz I was an asian dude speaking some spanish i picked off from google translate. hehe
85) Loved making friends in the hostel, just sitting down and talking about Europe. Too bad didn't get their names, but it was a wonderful time. (oh, and there was one hot european girl too! :P)
86) Loved Alhambra, the gardens and all, loved the flowers, and loved the view from the top. Can see the whole of the old district from the Alhambra.

87) I loved climbing up to the mountain side of sacromonte too! The sense of achievement when I made my own way to the top without any proper road was just awesome!
88) My last night in Spain was back in Barcelona, had a few drinks with the random Canadian peeps I met in the hostel, and amazed by how one of them can't hold his liquor. -.- to actually puke from the top of his bed. Well well, that's another kind of experience I guess. haha
89) I actually loved sleeping at airports! Especially the Bremen one. Throughout the whole of SEP, i actually slept there twice cuz I had to take plane back to Tampere from Bremen. The airport just felt so safe, so cozy, and both times, I fell asleep the moment I put my head on my "pillow" (which was my backpack)
90) I LOVE BACKPACKING!!
91) Last days in Tampere, were pretty emotional, realising all the things I could have done while i was there but didn't do.
92) Saying goodbye to my beloved brand of whiskey that accompanied me through SEP.

93) Had our last potluck together. Had a feeling that we won't be doing this back in Singapore again. I guess up till now, I'm still right! GUYS! please prove me wrong! ):

94) All in all, I would like to thank all the people I've met on exchange for the wonderful times that you all have given me. I'm sure we would meet again some place, some time. It wouldn't be the same as before, but you all have left a deep impression in my heart already. Just in case you all have no idea that you all touched me in my life, I'll list out your names (in no particular order, more of whoever that comes to mind first - mostly people that i've still been meeting up first): Michelle Lim, Congren, Yong Cong, Tessa, Rachel, Luke Ong, Wei Ting, Jonathan Goh, Ivie, Tiffany, Yun Xuan, Fanzhe, Finian, Alex, Clarence, Nigel, Xiaochen, Kayla, Ruyi, Queenie, Jelly, Ka Na, Jeremy Quek, Ryan Ang, Kalle, my french room-mate (sorry, till now I still can't spell your name), Michelle Low, Kien Yong, Zhi Gang, Mingfeng, Melvin, Sujee, Yongtae, Yui, Zijian, Felix, Qinglin, Chuan Wei. I hope I didn't miss anyone out (:
95) I thank my parents for the support they've given me on my SEP, be it moral support, or financial support, without the support, I wouldn't have had so much fun.
96) Loved Europe for giving me such a safe and enjoyable journey.
97) Loved the cheap alcohol for accompanying me through lonely mugger nights ;)
98) Loved Finland.
99) Most importantly, I learnt to love myself more (:
100) Well, that's all of my SEP. Really miss Europe, miss the backpacking days, miss the carefree days, miss the chit-chatting with friends, miss miss miss so much of everything. I swear I'll be back again, Europe, wait for me!