its never easy

I never said it would be easy. I never said I was 100% confident. But whatever that's up there, wouldn't even let it fall in that little bit of area that I call chance. Its like tossing a coin, but you already know its going to land on tails.

I'm not going to give up though. I'm past that. I'm willing to wait. I'm willing to do my best to let you see the good side of me, so that from friends, we can become more than friends. So that one day, you'll tell me, "yes". And that's the word I want to hear from you the next time I ask you the same question again. Never give up, that's my new motto.

After what happened tonight, or rather in the evening, I went for a run at night, around 10pm, past the usual timing I run, but nonetheless, it helped a lot. I suddenly remembered why I loved running, not because of how it is able to keep me fit (though that will forever hold true), it lets me forget about things, it lets me forget about the shackles on my life, and remember that life is still full of freedom. As long as we take the chance, nothing is impossible, as long as you don't give up before you reach the finishing point. Many a times, in my life, I've given up before I've reached the finishing line, but its because of this process of giving up, I've learnt so much from it, and I find myself being able to run longer distances, do different things, doing things the way I want them to, having the courage to tell her how I felt for her. So many things, as a person, I've grown. I used to like this song called "It ends tonight". I still like it a lot, especially just now, when it kept me running for the full 10km while putting it on loop. But it holds a whole new different meaning to me now. It used to be a song where after I hear it, I'll go, "yeah, that's it, it ends tonight". But now, its different. The feeling I get is, yes, it ends tonight, but tomorrow is a whole new chapter of life for me to write on, and it depends on how I would write the chapter. I'll keep writing, I'll never give up.

I've never felt this comfortable with a person before. I've had moments where I thought some people are special in my life, but none of them could reach this level of feelings I have for you right now. It won't change, I hope it never will, but I hope your feelings will, that you would one day no longer see me as just a friend, but as someone special in your life too. You're special to me, that's how I feel, and I'll never give up, weiling. (: But just like you said, we'll see how it goes.

Found a reason not to go

Hmmm, very long never update my blog liao. Lotsa stuff happened in this short 2 months. Mostly stuff that I guess I should be happy about.

Found a smile, that I wish I could hold on forever, but more on that later.

Well, first up, got my results back. Hmmm, best sem out of the 5 sems thus far. Wouldn't have noticed it if weiling didn't point out to me that if i consider this sem's cap only, i actually hit above 4. but yeah, as a result of that, overall CAP improved. But as another sem goes by like that, you can't help but realise how much better it could have been if I just put in that little bit more effort in studies. Instead of playing for the whole sem, and leaving tutorials/pyp towards the last 2 weeks before exams to complete, I could have done all these consistently and gotten myself a better set of results than what there is now on the transcript. Same applies for the past 4 sems. But well, life goes on, instead of regretting what I could have done, why not look forward to what I should be doing. But wait, then again, my CAP has reached such saturation that now I'm just aiming for 3.5, so yeah, if I do the same as I did for this sem, I'll probably hit it the sem after I come back from sep. Suddenly, going on exchange to freeze my CAP doesn't seem that good an idea anymore.

Oh right, back to the smile. I don't know. I thought seeing her one last time before I leave sg will help me make up my mind as to whether I should tell her before I leave, or after I come back. But seems that seeing her one more time, made me confused even more. I found myself in this state where, I want to tell her so much, I want to let her know how I feel, I want to be with her so much, that I just want to tell her right now. But then, there's this thing holding me back, what if I told her, and the feelings were mutual, then there would be one more thing other than my family that would make me don't feel like going on SEP at all. Just imagine how much I would be missing her when I get to Finland that I just want to fly back to SG when I reach there. That would suck, so much. On one hand, I would know that there's someone I love over here waiting for me, but on the other hand, I wouldn't enjoy SEP fully, since all I would want is to come back. I know I'm contradicting myself. But this is the kind of dilemma I am in right now.

I really, really found a reason not to go. But I have no idea whether not telling her today was the right choice. Only time would tell, but this, important decision might really be a life-changing one, and might be one that I might come to regret for not telling her, at all. I will tell her, but the problem is when?

But anyway, I really really enjoyed today. Been so long since I last sat down with someone and just chat away. Really had fun. Thank you. (:

the choice was right

After so long, you still leave me thinking that the choice we made was probably the best for both of us. It was you who tried to end it, it wasn't me. Letting go was my only option back then, and I'm just so glad that I did let go. When now you're the one trying to cling on to something that's of the past, I can just happily look you in the eye and say, "girl, its over already, there's no turning back."

I used to think it would never end. Our dreams, what we wanted for ourselves back then, when things didn't matter. When we just thought the world is perfect as long as we were together. Now, that is over. There are a lot of things that keep me away from you, that made it so that the thought of us being together again never ever crossed my mind. But there's just one thing, or rather one person in my mind right now that's keeping me away from all these. I didn't even want to show up, I didn't even want to go comfort you. As if I already knew what you would do, what you would say. But I still went, for I looked upon you as if you are my sister. For me, its more of doing something good for you after you have done so many things to hurt me in the past. The chinese saying of yi de bao yuan, I guess that's what I would use to describe why I'm doing these things for you.

No matter, I'm not gonna dwell on all those past ramblings. When drinking milk and talking stuff at night used to be my favourite past-time, it no longer is anymore. It just does not feel right with you anymore. And I only wished that the person I sent home just now was not you, but someone else instead. Perhaps its heaven playing a joke on me. So many times that such "accidents" had happened, that made it impossible for me to go back with her. So many times, that its made it impossible for me to give her a present that's overdue by almost 2 months. SO, I hope you get my point.

Argh, could I be more obvious.

Complete

I'm not afraid to tell you how much I feel for you, if I only had the chance to do so. I guess it was a pretty good chance to tell you the other day, but o well, I guess it can't be helped. Of cuz I was pretty much surprised when you said that, then I was like, "god, please let her be the one". Disappointed a bit after that, maybe? but what you said left me smiling the whole night. (:

Finding myself looking forward to at least 2 days a week, never felt like this for a long long time. Just hope that this could go on forever, and eventually, may 2 days become 7 days a week. (:

I'm like a kid, feeling so happy. But when I'm with you, I don't care about anything else. You make me feel...complete.

screwed

I screwed up. My body clock, that is. For some reason that I do not know of, I slept from 7pm to 4am, though I woke up at 8pm for a while before going back to slp at 830pm. Pretty much means that I had 8.5 hours of sleep, while the night was still young. Dafuq.

And now, here I find myself, at 5am, early in the freaking morning, doing webcasts and drawing stuff for my 3001 project. Like, dafuq. Seriously. Its not like I'm emo-ing or anything, I'm perfectly fine with life now, with things going pretty smoothly for almost everything. If I had anything to complain, it is my inability to pass to her her present everytime I see her. Maybe its cuz we end up talking so much that it temporarily slipped my mind, or simply because I don't want it to stop our convo. Whatever the reason is, I find myself staring at her present every night (or rather, every morning, since I've become pretty much of a nocturnal animal)

Yes, short post, u mean u were expecting more? BAH!

ah,

its back to sch again. Feeling good about this sem. Maybe it has something to do with deciding to join back tkd. Makes me having something to look forward to every wed and sat. Makes my life that bit much exciting too. Its like when I kick that target I feel a sense of satisfaction. But yeah, pretty much thanks to having a friend who's already in tkd, if not I probably wouldn't have joined without having someone I know whose already inside. So thank you. :)

Or maybe the feel-good feeling comes from the fact that all the mods I'm taking this sem seems so much more interesting with cool lecturers and TAs. 3702, fun lecturer, fun module, tutorial play games, can't really ask for anything better for this mod. hr2002, funny tutor, really helps that he brings his life experience to the class rather than just going on and on about notes. qf2101, another funny lecturer, though I don't go for the actual lecture, I'm actually enjoying his lessons on webcasts. As for 2401 and 3001, pretty much disappointing. Especially 2401, boring lecturer, talking about stuff that we already know. 3001, 3 hour lecture, you don't really expect me to stay awake thru the 3 hours, do you? :) But its just an 18 mc semester, maybe it'll just make my life that much better.

Hmmm, signed up for OCIP again this sem. 2 interviews, probably flunked them given how I don't like to talk to strangers. Would be very surprised if I even got into one. Even if I got into one, I would probably think twice about going overseas. Given that I'm already going to SEP next sem, another 3 weeks of not spending the holidays with my family might affect me emotionally during SEP. So well, if I get in, I might just request to do the local part and help with the programmes only ba. But see how lo. hahaha

Now, to the emo part. I think it was just yesterday night? I just sat down there, looked out of the window, stared at the sky for almost 5 minutes, thinking, who are the people I used to talk to online at night. Where are they now? Its just gone, I don't even know why. When you really need someone to talk to, there's no one anymore. The whole feeling of losing something that was part of your life. People take things away from me, but there's nothing I can do about it, to just let ppl take it away from me. People come, people go, but what if they go at a rate faster than they come? Very soon, i'll be left with no friends. ): Hai.... I guess the splitting of groups really did alot of dmg to friendships eh? Invisible friends.

Shit la, so emotional now. =/ Stay happy k, yuaning?

Holidays!

Been somewhat busy over the past few weeks that somehow I've lost touch with life. But with the end of oweek 2011, I found myself left with 1 week of holidays and I'm just busy planning how to make full use of the time I've found for myself.

Feels good, to know that its a weekday, but you do not have to go to work. Totally spent the whole of yesterday slacking at home. Wanted to go for a run, SHOULD have went for a run, but since I'm gonna play bball today, shall forgive myself a tiny little bit.

On another note, yeah, there were things to be pissed off about during oweek, but nvm, its all over, and shall not say too much about the bad stuff, when there were plenty of good stuff to be happy about.

Well, initially, my og was a bunch of not-that-enthu og when I first saw them. And it was that way for the first 2 days. But perhaps, because of the smaller OG size and more interactive activities over the next few days, they started to bond, just a little bit more. But its great to see that they're being active on the facebook group, though that doesn't mean much if they can't do that in person.

But well, whatever! its HOLIDAYS!

hmmm

Was contemplating whether I should even blog this post considering that its already so late. But with the pattern of sleeping late these few days, I guess its not gonna change much if I sleep late tonight either.

Haven't been training recently, so doubt I would be able to make it for standchart. Totally disappointed in myself, for not having the discipline to go out there for my runs. Not mature enough to tell myself, "hey, its alright to emo, but you still need to sleep by 11 if you wish to run the next day." But no, I didn't. I continued to play games past 1am, when I get back to my room, I'm probably going to take out a book and read.

I just have no freaking idea what's wrong with me these days. So easy to get angsty. Many times, I just wished I had pointed the finger at the credit card promoter. I know, you're just doing your job, but its not the first time already. If i'm not interested then I'm not interested. Do I look like i'm rich to you? How many times must I use the "my favourite song" trick before you can just get the hell out of my way.

And anyway, really, I'm beginning to dread going for work. Although its really just 1 and a half weeks left, but everyday at work, the hours seem to get longer and the time seems to pass even slower. I thought I had already done my part with the GUI and stuff, and I've been helping out alot with the Wallaby logistics. But why the hell do I even have more stuff coming in for me to do? If only the NTU IA student came, I wouldn't haven been having such troubles. I would happily enjoy my last 2 weeks of work at STK instead of trying to get 4 days off for these 2 weeks. I really need the break, not from work, but from STK.

I realised, I'm the kind of guy who only does work that I'm really interested in. I was freaking excited about designing the GUI, so that was why I had so much fun in the first 2 months trying to design a proper one. But once that was finished, it all died down. The flame in me, I couldn't feel it anymore. The new stuff to do, integrating the laser detection or even the adding of the camera to the GUI, seriously, I have no interest in all these whatsoever. First of all, the laser detection, having to wire it up myself, having to read through a manual, and HAVING TO TRY TO GET IT TO WORK WHEN I CAN'T EVEN INSTALL A PROPER SOFTWARE FOR IT! Ya, but really, I don't like doing the laser. Neither do I like doing the camera thing. If I really put my heart into it, I could probably finish up the camera thing within 1 day. But really, no. I can't stand it anymore. I had fun doing the data log sorting program cuz of how it reminded me of cs1101c where u read in a text file and only copy lines that don't have alphabets. That, I enjoyed. But that, I did way too fast. Started on it at around 2pm, published the app at 2.30pm. Too fast? Probably, but that's my efficiency when it comes to things I like to do. Even for the GUI, if I really had to, I could have done it within 3 days. If you ask me whether I enjoyed my internship, when it comes to working, probably not. I'm just an intern, but I'm expected to do the stuff that a perm stuff is supposed to do? There's no one to supervise my work, no one there to help me out when I don't understand certain stuff when it comes to programming. What the heck, and I was pretty happy when I finished up the GUI on my own. But then, my supervisor had to pile up even more work on me!? I really can't stand it anymore. Really. I'm just so glad that this will all be over soon, in like 2 weeks. I don't mind going back to STK to work in the future, as a perm staff, but never as an intern again.

I never

Let go.

As much as I've told myself to let go of the past, I guess, I never really did. It came back haunting. The moment I saw you, I knew, I never let go of what I should have 7 years back.

I don't know why, when I saw you, the anger I had in my heart for the past 7 years just disappears like that. I've always been unhappy about how things ended for us. How you broke our promise. How you treated me as if I'm nothing. But the moment I saw you, I just thought, those broken promises, those empty vows, holding on to them brings nothing, and these are nothing compared to the happiness I had with you. Short it may be, but I've never forgotten about the love we had for each other in that short 2 years of the 4 years of sec sch life. 2 years out of 4 years, that's a lot you know? Considering how our relationship dragged out for the entire 4 years of our sec sch life, my memories of those days were mostly made up of you. So, the love, the hatred, all these just stayed in me. The sight of you brings out the love, the thought of you brings out the hatred.

I never let go, I never did.

So why, why did I not dare to even say hi to you. Is it the fact that there was someone next to you? Is it the fact that that someone looks like he's probably your bf? I have no idea what I'm thinking really. When you told me back then that because of what you did to me 7 years back, you dared not get into a relationship again, I really wished that you didn't do this yourself and sincerely hoped that you could find yourself someone who would treat you good. Then why is it that now, when I'm looking at you together with someone, something dark just builds up inside me. This sadness, how do I explain it? I probably can't, but really, I just don't feel that good about it. Perhaps its regrets that I could have been the one. Perhaps, its wishful thinking on my part that after 7 years, I might still have the chance to love a person that I had once thought would be the love of my life.

Guess what, if we really continued back then, I would still say the same things to you, I would never let go of you, and I'll always be there for you, always. Just because I've said it to you, it means that I will never break it. But why, why did you have to trample on my promise 7 years ago. You just had to break the promise we had, you just had to make me let go. I didn't let go because I loved you no more, I simply let go, cause I still had love for you. But knowing that it hurt you, I had to take it all away. It was hard, but the only way I could do it was by hating you.

And this, really is the reason why my love-hate towards you never ended for the past 7 years. You were all that I had.

Ay, why am I emo-ing now. The fact that that day is coming again? probably. A day that I'll never forget.

Anyway, happy birthday to you in advance. I hope July is still with you by your side, in place of me.

Been long since I updated

So just a little update about life.

Nothing much, like i've already mentioned previously, went for internship. Made some new friends at work, in particular those 3 ia students cuz we basically slacked our day away together at work. Its good that we actually could find time to slack, if not I would have finished most of the work assigned to me within the first 3 weeks instead of dragging it to 7 weeks. Sounds like i'm too slack eh? But I guess that's how it should be for interns? I'm just paid 700 bucks per month, what's the use of doing so much. Furthermore, most of the stuff I had to do them on my own since my supervisor was pretty much busy with his own stuff and just allocated work for me in a rather random fashion.

Then came the bomb of ICT. Well, not like it was all of a sudden. Planned 6 months ago with the SAF-100 and guess what. One week just passed by. Nothing much actually, just really really, alot of training under the hot sun. Apart from thursday which went by without doing anything other than sleeping in bunk, the rest of the days were training all over again. Feels like the NSF days, except this time I'm not with my platoon mates. Got jumbled up, like last year, with the alpha coy peeps. Pretty fun ppl I would say, but well, dunno any of them so nothing to say to them really. Got myself a pretty nice tan from all those training though. A pretty white singlet to sum it off. At least I wun have ugly tan-lines when i wear singlets. LOL.

Can't wait for this ICT to be over though, really need my life back. But with that said, life after that is gonna be internship again. O well, new stuff to learn when i go back to ST. Something to do with lasers. Sounds cool eh, it sure does. O well.

I feel like shouting

I always do. To go somewhere, quiet, just me alone, and maybe, with you (though that's probably not gonna happen ever). I just wanna shout to the world, hear the echoes, and realise how lonely I am in this world. Or rather, ay, nvm.

Maybe its the tiredness getting to me, or the fact that the weekend ended once again with me practically doing nothing. Drinking after engin camp, basically burnt my sat away cuz of a bad headache after that. I needed that anyway, to drink and feel happy, even if its just me being high becuz of the alcohol, but whatever, at least I felt open when I was drinking. No locks, no whatsoever.

I tried opening up, you know. I talked to you, you don't even bother. Stop giving me lame excuses, you do know how lame you sound when you come up with these. I really dun want to give a shit about you anymore. Its not the first time already, and you probably know it. Why can't we just be honest to each other. What you want, what I want. We should settle it once and for all, get it over and done with. Just tell me how much you hate me while I'll tell you how much I actually loved you but would be willing to let go if you would just say no. Its gotten to the point that I'm tired of all these. Its not me not trying, its you not willing to accept. You've probably been making use of me all these time, telling me stuff when you really needed it, and that i'm probably the only nice and dumb guy in the world to say yes to your requests. You only talk to me when you need me, but when I needed someone to talk to, you'll never be there, ever.

Strangely though, all these kinda seem to be a cycle. A cycle of me being taken advantage of by people and once I'm useless to them, they just kick me aside. Nah, you don't need to say anything, I understand. What I mean to you, probably is just a useless existence. There is no use for me anymore, cuz I don't live in the East, cuz I don't have time to do stuff with you, cuz I'm just not the kind to show my feelings so easily. I don't know anymore, I just know that I'm tired.

But I still love the way you smile. ):

我不配

I did a lot, I tried...a lot. So much so that, I've come to realise, what I've been doing, and no matter what I can do, it'll never be enough for you. Simply put, its becuz of what you see up there as the title. 我不配.

Or rather, the both of us 不配? There's always that something missing when I tried to click. We seem to be only able to talk when you're in a good mood? Only when you want to talk, that you will really talk to me?

Other than that, whenever I needed someone to talk to, I tot, hey, maybe I could talk to you since you had talked to me about your problems before. But no, you were just, another person on my msn contact list that wouldn't bother to listen to me when I talk to you. You're either busy watching your dramas/blog hopping, that you can't even bother to take a little bit of your time out to listen to what I've got to say.

And to think that back then, when you had problems, when you needed my help, I would just take my time out to help you, even when it was the exam period and I really should have been studying. But yeah, I guess that's just me. It didn't need to be you, if it was anyone else, I would have probably did the same if whatever it is is within my powers. And I guess that's why I failed to make you feel that you're a special someone to me since I treat everyone the same, and in particular, I treat a certain friend better than I do to you. But am I really to blame, when its you who made me feel that you didn't really need me, you had plenty of choices, I'm just another one who was willing to listen.

Then comes the age-old saying of mine, "stop being a nice guy". If anyone has bothered to read my posts consistently, they would realise that this is something I always say.

Am I not nice enough to you? Perhaps you never felt the way I felt. Or that you simply never tried to understand who I was, and to you, I was just someone who would be there if you needed me, but someone whom you'll never come to rescue when I fall into this bottomless pit called, "in love with you".

只要你对别人好，别人就会对你好

My mom told me that when we were watching some variety show on ch8 just now.

And I totally disagreed with her when she said that. I rebutted her by saying, "你对别人好，人家不一定对你好的" Probably said it out cuz it was really what I felt, and what i've been feeling all this while, ever since the day I realised its so hard to place trust in anyone anymore, and that, happened 7 years ago.

Perhaps I never let it go, and perhaps, i'll never find a way to let this regret go. I can never tell anyone my true feelings? When was the last time I told a person how I truly felt. Can't recall. There will always be some thing holding me back when I want to say the things I really want to say. Be it for fear of trust being misplaced, or be it that these ppl are not worth my trust.

But lately, I've realised that perhaps, the one that is not worthy is me. I'm not worthy to gain anyone who I can trust fully, when I can't even face the truth myself. Perhaps, if one day, I find the right person, I'll be able to tell her everything I truly feel.

There have been people in my life, after that fateful day 7 years ago, that have made me feel like telling them all, telling them everything. But somehow, somewhat, due to certain circumstances, or that the fact that they can never be the special someone in my life, I stopped there, not wanting to say anymore. Backing away, kicking ppl away so that I won't have any tendency to tell them the truth, at all. I'm afraid, i'm always afraid, that once I put my heart out into the open and leave it in someone else's care, I would get hurt again. But in the end, no matter what I do, I'll still get hurt. But it would probably hurt even more if I truly poured my heart out.

In fact, I did leave this fragile heart of mine in some ppl's hands before, but i've always managed to take it all back in time before too much damage is done. But like I've said before and will always say, this whole thing is tiring. I'm tired of trying. Tired of having to find someone who will truly understand.

Its like shouting out to the world for someone to understand, but all I get is my own echo.

I'm tired, really tired.

All these sleepless nights, becuz I have no one to talk to. I don't want them anymore, but what can I do.

When I say things out, ppl dun understand. When me myself doesn't even understand my own feelings, who would even try to understand me?

You? you? You? or perhaps you? No. None. None of you will ever try to understand.

Why? Am I not good enough? Am I such a bastard that no one would care about? Or perhaps I'm always saying the wrong things.

I don't want to cry anymore, I really don't. I would rather show ppl my true happy face than put on a facade of smiles to cover up those tears and sadness.

Smilez 4 eva, you told me that, and I'm still doing it, though not from the heart, but at least it shows on the face.

I'm probably a hypocrite for doing that. But if ppl dun bother to try to understand my sadness, then there is no point in letting ppl know what I am truly feeling, so i'll just keep smiling.

what it seems to be

might not be what we really see.

I'm just having a random title for this post cuz i can't really think of what i'm gonna say in the next few lines/paragraphs. Nothing much, just random stuff and some updates about life?

Intern started. Nothing much to say about that, just work work...and work. I guess having internet access really makes intern life much better? But I don't have that luxury, at all. So yeah, its kinda sucky nowadays. Doing work, work and just work.

Had dinner last night with the ese peeps. Not really into korean, so yeah, good meat, but really, not something that I would go back for. With that said, its kinda boring hearing them all talking about ese stuff, but as usual, i just tried to stay interested, sound interested and chip in with a few laughters here and there. But it was good company anyway, so yeah. Better than staying at home on a boring saturday night. I needed to get out and enjoy anyway.

Friday night was much more fun with the drinking and karaoke. Its only around these guys that I can be myself? Not giving a care about what's gonna happen if I do this or that, just thinking that nothing will go wrong. Being able to be oneself. Guess that's what i've always been searching for in my life. A place where I can be myself. I do miss secondary school days alot. It was when I felt I had everything. The degree of freedom back then was just right. Not too rigid, we still had some control over our life but there were people monitoring out progress so that we wun go wrong. Well, those were the days.

I always felt it wasn't right growing up. It seemed as though the older i grow, the number of ppl i can actually talk to about my stuff just dwindle down slowly. Back then, if I ever needed someone to talk to, i'll just go on msn. The first few ppl on my contact list would definitely be ppl that I could talk to. Now, I open up my msn, I don't even feel like talking. When you try so hard to talk to ppl, but they really dun care. Cuz someone like me just doesn't matter to anyone. I'm just, another person to everyone. In life, there are people who will be special to other people, people who you want to keep in life, for life. Well, for me, it seems as though i'm not any of these to anyone. To ppl, i'm just the kind of person that doesn't matter. I'm only there for as long as i'm useful. Once there's no use of me for anything, they kick me aside like as if its alright to hurt my feelings, as if its a given that I'll get back up and carry on walking. Yeah, I did get back up and carried on walking for alot of times already. But i'm just getting tired. Being able to get back up doesn't mean it does not hurt anymore. The pain always stays.

But no one cared.

No one is listening.

Everyone's busy with their own life, who would care about you? When it seems that i'm the only person who's concerned about other ppl's feelings when it comes to asking ppl out, when it comes to giving ppl what they wanted. For many a times I could have just said fuck it, I don't give a shit about how u'll feel if i dun ask you. But no, I actually gave a shit, so I actually asked you, only to realise that some things dun matter to you at all. For this, i'm actually speaking of a particular person, not naming names, but if she reads this, she'll probably know who she is. But yeah, whatever. So why did I care about how you would feel, when you didn't spare a thought for why I even bothered to ask you in the first place. Cuz i'm afraid you would feel left out? But nah, it didn't really matter to you.

Is it really a must to say out what we feel? good things or bad? If u can see it, you'll see it. If you can't you'll never see. So why shld I be the one saying the things to beautify the world, when if you already know hos good as a person you are, there is no need for complements. With that said, yes, i'm talking about another person now. When you really care, and ppl think you don't, that feeling actually sucks. So yeah, whatever. Why do I even care.

Sometimes, you just keep wondering about why certain things happen in life. Its okay if you know what went wrong. But if you didn't know what went wrong, then how do you deal with it? I still have no idea what the problem is. When we meet up, it actually feels normal, but deep down, I just know there's something wrong. What happened during the sem, I really want to know. But if you dun even want to talk, how do we even communicate?

Alot of things I can just let go, but I didn't. Cuz i always spare a thought for everyone else. But who actually gave a shit about me? Who actually cared. Those ppl, who said that they care, they're not here anymore. Any promise to be always there for me, there's only one thing that will stay always, and that is, they'll "always" be broken.... Always.

Last days of my holidays

Woohoo~ FINALLY~ this sem is over!!! finally can play every------

i wish i could complete that sentence, but sadly, with the end of the last paper, it signalled the start of a one week break before intern starts. And sadly, I haven't found the time to do the things I would have liked to.

Started off the first day of this short hols by going for a short run followed by gym, kinda strained my chest and shoulder muscles, so can't really feel them now. Barely able to type with my left arm. haha. After that went to watch thor. Call me a geek, i liked how the movies are all linking up to the Avengers movie. Saves alot of time and trouble for Avengers to explain wad's going on for the different characters, and probably not a need to tell us who the freak Loki is. hahaha. Natalie Portman is dope though. hahaha. Always enjoyed the movies with her in it. She seems to bring the characters alive? Though Jane Foster wasn't supposed to be this enthu when it comes to her love with Thor. O well.

Before that, I watched Barca vs Real, kinda expected result, and yeah, kinda boring too. haha, so nothing much to say about it.

Then started drawing some stuff also, random stuff.

Then went to USS today. The roller coaster rides were DAMN NICE~ haha, battlestar galatica is serious imba-ness. If anything, its the only ride that would make me wanna go back to RWS. but 50 bucks? hmmm, thanks but no thanks. haha.

Eh, anyways, some stuff, I've decided not to give a shit. I guess its better to leave it this way. Never expected anything, never will. This is all about giving life another go, allowing it to move on the way it should be. With that said, I'm surprised by how neutral I feel towards these kinda things now. Seems that such things wouldn't affect me as much as it used to. Guess it was just time that I needed, time to realise that hey, its not really that important. With or without, at least I had it once. So that's all to it. Don't wanna care about it anymore, and probably wun talk about it anymore. Maybe it'll allow me to become a less emo person? what is required wld come naturally. If it shuns you, its probably not what you need.

Then it comes back to the question of Needs vs Wants. And yeah, it has always been a want, it was never a need. How many single ppl out there, how many happy single ppl there are in this world. Why must I make myself the sad single guy when I can stay happy, away from all the troubles of a relationship, away from all the commitment required. Life's better when you have time all to yourself, without a need to accommodate someone else in your life.

Wanted to comment on the GE, but decided not to. Not as if my vote would affect much. Simply put, if there was a better choice, obviously I would take it. But when its a choice of choosing the lesser of two evils, it is obvious wad I would do, no?

So...

What did I do the whole weekend? Nothing much really, just settled down and found some time to study and do some work, something that I've not been doing the whole sem. The whole sem, I've found myself spending too much time on the stupid circuit board, only for it to fail me time and time again, never got it started, never will, can't seem to find the problem. So that's it and that's that, not gonna do anything about it, just gonna concentrate on the other mods since exams are really getting nearer. No time to waste.

So basically, found myself in a situation where I just sat down and listened to webcasts and do tutorials. Quite rare. Also, perhaps all these came with the bloody decision to not give a bloody fuck about her anymore. You were precious, you still are, but I'm not going to tell you anymore. No point. To me, these feelings towards you never got over to you. You never knew how important you were to me. You'll never know. So really, I don't wanna care anymore. You are just another friend now, and I won't pay special attention to you anymore. You're not even a close friend to me anymore. Somehow, this distance between us has made this happen, for us to be further and further apart. 4 months, it was all it took to make us become what we are now. So fast, but, who are you? The friendship between us 4 months ago felt like it happened 10 years ago, precious memories, no more.

not about

This is not about me not giving a damn about whatever that's happening to you. I care alot. But I've decided not to. Its not that I don't want to care. Its just you who's telling me with ur actions/attitude, that you don't want me to care about at all. For far too long, I've given too much a damn for your feelings, neglecting whatever that's hurting me, cuz I tried to believe in what I've seen from you in the past. But I guess, I was so damn wrong. I couldn't care anymore. I wouldn't care anymore. I shall not care anymore. Its for my own good, not yours. I don't give a damn. I gave too much. I never asked for anything in return, but at least this shouldn't be the way things should turn out.

If you gave me a reason for what you've been doing, I would accept it, and take it as it is. But you, choosing not to explain? All I can say is, well, i'll fuck off then, and I'll never admit that I was in the wrong even if I really was in the wrong. Cuz you're not explaining, simple as that. Without an explanation, for me, its simple, you're wrong, that's why you don't dare to explain. So really, is it my problem or yours? Its for you to decide, but till then, I will keep thinking that I've never really let you down, you did.

If it was something that I never had, I wouldn't give a damn. But its a friendship I once had, but now I feel as if I don't know you at all. Losing something that I once had, that, I can't stand. But yeah, no more. Don't care, dun give a damn, just don't give a fuck.

Song in mind

Suddenly had lyrics popping up in my mind again, after so long of not thinking about writing any songs at all, it came flooding back. Thinking of writing this song, perhaps to show how disappointed I am in whatever that has happened between us, or perhaps to show you how much you still mean to me, to show you how much you meant to me, to show you, how much, i'm willing to do for you. Yet you don't care. But anyway yeah, just a small part from the song:

这生中你和我已不再有变成我们的可能。

Too much

Maybe I spent too much time out this weekend. Got alot of things done, did whatever I could for my circuit board, given more time, it'll probably still be like that. Tutorials done. But after all this, I'm really really tired and exhausted. I guess this is what you get when you try to balance life and 6 mods. Trying to enjoy while studying hard at the same time. Guess it has taken its toll on my body. Feel like a fever coming up. O well.

But really enjoyed myself on friday night, went out with sec sch frens to play san guo sha at bukit batok macs. Initially thought I would just spend a few hours there, maybe zhao at 12 plus. End up we played from 9pm all the way till 3plus am. Then sent the guys home. Phew, car was locked in west mall carpark, luckily found the guards and they were good enough to let us go in to get the car out. Then again, didn't know west mall carparks close so early. O well. Then was supposed to send tzeheng to clementi for him to take nr3, end up i dunno why, from teban gardens, i couldn't find my way to clementi, perhaps cuz of the fatigue. O well, but in the end sent him all the way home and managed to have a good chat. Funny how, when you need someone to talk to, its not the people you think that're closest to you, but the friend whom you've not seen for so long.

Life, as it is, offers no light to me.

Thinking of you.

Actually, I felt like writing a real long post, but after some thinking, it probably means nothing to you, so nvm. =/

zettai kareshi

Watched zettai kareshi again on channel u. Reached the part where rikko got confessed by the guy. D: always felt sad for knight. Brings me to a point, that no matter how good you think you can do for the girl you love, no matter how much you're willing to do for her, no matter how much you're willing to sacrifice, what matters most is how she feels. If she doesn't feel a thing for you, no matter what you do, nothing will happen. The heart will hurt so much, she will never know. Life will move on for her, she'll enjoy life with her new-found love, and if you don't move on and wallow in self-pity, it would only leave yourself stagnant in life. That's what's happening now, I'm being stagnant, not knowing where to go, letting other things in life fill my life up, not wanting to think in the direction of falling in love. In a way, I let my heart become stagnant, refusing to "feel" again. In fear that any feelings I tried to inject into my heart again would only make it even more pain. In hope that by not feeling, I will not feel the pain.

Well, there're bigger pains out there than my small little heart ache anyway. Seeing whatever that's happening to Japan, my heart's really breaking alot. Feeling very sad for everyone who were directly or indirectly affected by the Earthquake, Tsunami and radiation outbreak. Triple disaster I would say. Every day, watching news, reading articles about Japan, seeing the death toll increasing as the days go by. Really really, feeling very sad for them. At least its heartwarming to see what the Japanese are willing to do for each other. Really makes you think about what would happen if it actually happened in Singapore. My guess would be people running for their own lives, trampling over injured people. Maybe i'm thinking about the negative extreme part, but really, I just think that Singapore's not equipped mentally to deal with such situations. Not to say that we would be faced with disasters like Earthquake/Tsunami/Radiation, but we shouldn't take things for granted. No matter how much peace there is now, it is still maintained by those who are working hard to maintain it. So really, what would we do in the face of such disasters, I really wonder.

When you ask the world to fuck off

Everything's suddenly coming fast and furious. Deadlines approaching. SS project next mon, major project 1 due next next mon, SEP module mapping required, deferment for ICT due to VIP asap, lotsa stuff. As such, I find myself sitting infront of my pcb rushing with the wiring. Till I ran out of blue, that is. Could have carried on with white but decided to give it a rest, shall carry on tml. Pissed with almost everything cuz everything's too fast. And you just feel like shouting to the world "fuck off". Realised how little time I have between this sem and next sem to enjoy myself. Yes, no ICT, but VIP will eat up a whole 12 weeks. only have 3 weeks break after the last paper to seriously go out there and enjoy myself, and after that, is 12 weeks of working my ass off, though it might just be some admin job, but the fact that the HR person asked me about java script goes to show that I might probably needta pick up some java skills along the way. Argh. How to enjoy myself like that, I wonder? The need to earn more money more or less makes it sure that the VIP wouldn't be my only job during the summer hols. Maybe some tuition? Maybe some surveying jobs? -Shrug- Never thought that the 3 month sem break would be so busy. At least before the sem started, I was still thinking maybe for these 3 months sem break, I'm gonna have some time to enjoy life with the people I want to spend time with. But 2 months into the sem, all dreams, all hopes I had were crushed. Not to say that it matters anymore. Perhaps, deep down in, it still does, but nothing really matters now. Disappointed, Angst, every negative emotion that I could feel, within these 2 months I felt it all. Everything but happiness, euphoria, anything positive.

I find myself in an all-time low, and perhaps the only good thing about it is that I've gotten so used to it that it feels like a norm now. At least its not hurting, at least its numbing. If you think that whatever you're doing to me now is right for us, then so be it. I can't make you do what you do not want to do. But the fact that it hurts and you don't give a damn that its hurting me just goes to show where I stand in your heart. I'm the least on your priority list. "Don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option." I used to laugh at this and say, nah, its not true. But no more, its nothing but the truth. I made you a priority when you treated me only as an option, someone of the many people that you could turn to when you need help. But my naiveness never made it occur to me that I was just an option to you, and I treated your request as a priority. Only for whatever that's happening now happen.

Do you know how much it hurts? I can still smile to you, I can still laugh to you, but do you know how much it meant to me? I guess, I'm just another "dude" in your life. A passer-by, someone who will just walk by your life. I used to use an analogy to describe myself, I'm a tree, always there, and the people around me are just birds taking a rest on me, flying off when they need me no more. You make me feel this way again, you're just another bird.

Ask me

What I want. I never really asked for anything. I was satisfied to see you smile. All I wanted was to make you happy, that's why I was always there. I made sure I was there when you needed me. I never asked you to be there for me, I was just happy enough to see you smile. I'm serious. You're not. I really really just want everything to be back to normal, nothing more, nothing less, and just not whatever that's happening now.

Words

What they mean? Do people just use words as something to get what they want? And once they get it, they just forget about everything they've said before? Probably, at least that's what I'm experiencing now. I no longer know what's the truth and what's not. I no longer trust you. Every single word that comes out from your mouth, I just take it in and suspect everything u're saying. Everything, I no longer have faith in you anymore. Simply put, you meant everything, but u mean nothing now cuz to me, it simply comes across as you not treasuring whatever I was giving you, you, not appreciating whatever that I was doing for you. All those thank yous you've said before, was it just a thing you say when people do things for you, but you dun really mean it?

I have no idea. Was clearing up my cupboard, saw stuff that reminded me of things you've said before. But yeah, lies, and I realised how much you've lied to me before. Perhaps not to the extent of lying, maybe just you not meaning what you said. Things coming out from your mouth and I was the only one taking every word you said seriously. Just in case you never knew, you really mean a lot to me, but no, whatever you meant to me, perhaps, deep down inside me, my feelings will never change, but i'm just gonna bury all that. It will never mean anything to you again. If things are gonna stay this way, then so be it. I've already said all I could have said, I've already done all I could have done. The rest is up to you, whether you wanna salvage this, or just leave it dying like that.

I guess, I was just a fool for trusting you, when you were just using me as a tool.

I guess

I guess, you have died away in my heart. Slowly but surely. I really don't know what to say anymore. Is there anything to say at all? How you had a place, but no more. Special friends always had a place in my heart somewhere. You were special in the sense that I actually enjoyed talking to you. Few friends actually have that ability or rather, the personality to talk to me while I actually enjoy it. Well, maybe you never really enjoyed talking to me, so that's why whatever is happening to us now is happening. Nothing I can do. It wasn't something i foresaw. I never saw it coming. No one would. No one could.

How the heart aches, but really, its just beginning to numb now. Occasional burst of emotions, that's all. To me, you were that much, but you're just this little now. It still is very important for me to resolve this matter, to get back to where we were, to being good friends again. Is that too much to ask for? Or is it simply that I am not even worthy of being your friend?

I thought

I thought you would do something like this, but I never really felt that you would actually do it. I really have no idea what to say, or what to do anymore. That's it and that's that. I guess, there is nothing more to this.

Feel like having a change

Feel like changing my blog address, cuz of how this blog is attracting spammers on the tagboard. Hmmm. See how it goes.

Anyway, life's not been very good. Just going thru life as it comes to me. School's alright, with certain disappointing stuff of cuz, but i'm really trying very hard to move on, but she's not really helping with all these bullshit. Yeah, i'm starting to consider it bullshit, considering how stupid this whole thing is beginning to feel like to me. I mean, seriously, what's the point? If I really wanted, I could have just thrown all these away and say "fuck it, i don't wanna give a damn anymore." But no, can't you see that i'm just trying to salvage whatever friendship there is left, if there was any to begin with.

Hai, not as if she's gonna read this, but whatever.

Lying

I would be, if I say I'm not bothered. But since I've already said it so clearly, I shall not care about it anymore. I guess it mattered alot, and perhaps it still matters that little bit, after all, its hard to pull out of a friendship when you've chose to trust that person so much. Perhaps, I've gone over the border of friendship a bit, but yeah, it doesn't matter now already. Whatever it is, it only showed me not to put so much trust anymore. People change, there's nothing you can do about it. Adapt and move on. The only one I can blame is myself, its not like she never changed before, so what was I thinking when I thought she wouldn't change anymore, I wonder.

I can't sleep now, various reasons. Despite this pulsing headache, I just couldn't get myself onto the bed. I have no idea what's going on right now, feels exactly like 2 sems back when I just couldn't get to sleep and end up studying the whole night and forcing myself to stay awake when I go to school.

Can't be bothered anymore. I shall not care anymore. Putting so much trust in one person was wrong to begin with. Giving someone so much of my time was probably the biggest mistake in my life. I saw something special in you, perhaps I was wrong, terribly wrong. Maybe i'm just that easy to be taken advantage of. But I'll never know what went wrong, if you don't speak a word.

happy vday

Putting happy is just keeping in line with the norm. Everyone's supposed to be happy today eh? O well, ever since i found out that the great Bob Paisley died on this day (yeah, i wasn't that much of a Liverpool back then so i only found out like 2 years back). O well, so instead, vday has become a day to commemorate this great man. His quotes are great as well. All his quotes are what a man should be, what a person should strive to live as. I'm actually quite lazy to list the quotes he said but yeah, here's one of it that really left alot for me to think about.

"The day after we won our first European Cup, we were back at this club at 9.45 in the morning, talking about how we would do it again, working right from that moment, because nobody has the right to win anything they haven't earned." -Bob Paisley-

So yeah, before you want to win something, you have to earn it, that's how i look at this quote, but yeah, such wisdom, such truth.

And in fact, valentine's day not one about celebrating love. If you look into the history books, you'll realise its the day saint valentine died, so wad's there to celebrate about. O well.

And yeah, today, was alright. Ended the day with a bit out of the norm stuff.

Morning project meeting with doctor hamzah. Ok la, "why are you so quiet?" Erm, what can I say, i'm just like that? hahaha. or maybe "emo lo". Lol. But glad that our project's going in the right direction.

After that went to this tutorial that totally wasted my time and got me so angry that i spammed on my facebook wall. Seriously, i don't think this guy can teach. That's it and that's that.

After that went to my lecture with an empty stomach, and was complaining to tessa about this person who's so "rude". Well, if tessa didn't say it I wouldn't have thought about it but yeah, in fact, its quite rude to do this to me i guess. I really can't be bothered anymore, if this is what you want, so be it, then we can't even be friends. Yes, i'm actually quite disappointed that it turned out this way, but I don't think it was entirely my fault? -shrug-

Then wanted to go to JP after school but decided not to. Turned out to be the right choice. When I got home, i saw how jam-packed AYE was. Lucky lucky. But after dinner I decided to go to IMM. AND lucky i didn't drive. When i reached there, the carpark was FULL! hahaha. In the end didn't find what I wanted to, but surprise surprise, I saw someone whom I never thought I would talk to again. And surprisingly, she was finding the same thing as I was. O well. But yeah, nothing much. Not the kind of hot date that everyone would expect on this day, and yeah, there's no way we can be together again.

Whatever, can't be bothered.

Hello, what the fuck, bye.

something to really smile about?

I just don't know why. Or perhaps, I know what's going on with myself. The ability to smile at every single thing, to laugh along with others, yet deep down in, I know there's something wrong, something preventing me from smiling from my heart. Yes, i'm being a hypocrite to the people around me. But does it really matter? What matters most to others is that they see you smiling, they see you laughing, then they'll assume you are alright. And yes, that's what I have been doing. I do not want anyone to see me and say, woah, this guy fking emo. But yeah, in person, I guess i can hide it very well. Other places, i tend to show it alot. But yeah, seriously, who cares?

I used up all my courage to ask what's going on, and what I get is the same old shit. Continued disregard for my feelings. If this is what you want, then so be it. I don't even see a point of me holding on to this friendship anymore, if there ever was one. All I can see now is a person who made use of me, asking me to do this and that for her, only in the end to push me aside. What?

What do I do?

Or rather, what can I do? Say its true, I'll never ask for anyone but you. <- lyrics from "Another Heart Calls" from AAR.

But yeah, what can I do? I know I do not want to be tied down by this emotional stuff for too long, this sem is going into its business end, where all the assignments and labs come fast and thick. With six mods coming along, i don't see how I can manage if i'm still being tied down by this. I guess, I need to settle it fast.

So yeah, what to do? What would you do? If the only person you care so much about doesn't even look you in the eye when you talk to her. Doesn't even give a damn whether you're there or not. You can care so much for someone, but what's the point if you don't matter to her at all? At least this is what I feel now, that me being there or not doesn't matter to you at all. It seems like you feel that you would be better off without me. Then why, in the first place, did you make me feel that you needed me. Why, in the first place, did you make me fall in love with you?

You might as well just take a knife out and start digging my heart out, cuz that's how I feel now, or rather, that's better than how I feel now. Countless pain, immeasurable pain.

No more

sipping down the red wine bit by bit, getting fed up and drank it all at one go. I guess, this is what it means to drink alone. Never felt so dejected during CNY. What have I done to deserve this? Is it that wrong to show you how much i'm willing to do for you? If that's the case, then you've got me. I'm not going to treat you specially anymore, you're just another friend. Disappointed? Yes, bloody hell. Now I even think of why you deserved that special place in my heart in the first place. Twice, you've taken that spot and left it. I don't even think I will let you return for a third time. Booting you out of my life. Or at least, I won't let you grab my heart like that again. Is it because you're a freaking virgo? All those things about virgo not treasuring things that they can get so easily? Be it in you or my ex, I've seen such qualities shone through in your characters. No more, I just don't want to let myself get hurt again.

No more: crying, drinking, feeling lost. No more.

Shooting stars

Why hope for a shooting star, when I've always believed my life is in my own hands. Why do I pray? Why do I hope? I've always learnt to trust in nothing but myself, but I guess I never learn. Believing in what people say, believing that people will change for the better. I should have known, I have been hurt before, but I never learnt. I continued to trust you, and this is what I got. I've fallen in love, fallen out of love, and fell in love again, with the same girl. Waste of time? I would rather not believe so. I do not owe you anything, or so i think. I only believe in what I saw. I saw a good friend in you, I saw someone who I can trust in you. But now, all I see is someone that well, I don't even think I know you anymore. Who are you, seriously. Who? I ask myself that everytime I see you. You feel so distant now. Who is she? I never knew things would change this fast.

Why the sudden feelings that came flooding up to me just before CNY? its 12 am here, so its technically CNY eve already. But yeah. I guess these feelings came cuz of what happened last night? Staying up all night, hoping for miracles to happen. Came in the form of a number 9 replacing my once beloved Liverpool's number 9. No more Torres bounce. No more wearing of my red jersey cuz his name is on the back. Its like getting ditched, seriously. Its about how much he said he loved the club, how much he loved the fans, that made us love him this much. Only for him to come out and say he would like to score against Liverpool in his debut? Where is the love? Wth, who is this guy?

In a way, it feels the same. Be it ______ or Torres, whenever I see them, I ask myself "who is this person?" People who were once so important, because of the things they do, they become insignificant in your life. I don't know why. I have no idea why this is happening. The fact that I trust people too easily? Yeah, I guess that's the reason. I'm still naive. Like shit. I just can't stop myself from loving someone once I've fallen in love. Loving Liverpool, loving the club, loving the players. Loving you.

Who would tell me why this is happening? Only you. But how do I even find out when you don't even talk to me anymore. Who are you?

It seems like yesterday that he just signed for us, with Benitez putting their hands on the This Is Anfield board.

It seems like yesterday that we were just bouncing off happily to the Torres Bounce at the Singapore National Stadium.

It seems like yesterday that Torres was holding on the world cup with a Liverpool scarf around his neck.

I can't believe this. Do people really change that fast? Or is it my own naivety to believe in whatever people say? He said he loved the club. He said he wouldn't join any other EPL club. So what's this? A betrayal of trust? I thought he was one of us. Maybe I was wrong. Torres always had a special place in our hearts, but it might never be the same again. If he left for another league, he would always remain as a legend in our heart. But no, chelsea? You serious? What's this, I can't even believe what I'm reading. It felt like the whole Gerrard saga all over again, when we were upset over Chelsea's offer, but then, I had faith in Gerrard. I just don't understand why Torres can't seem to command the same faith in me. The fact that he has written in a transfer request? Probably so. Some people, you always think they would remain special in your heart no matter what they do, where they go and where they end up. Dalglish, Gerrard, Carragher, Dudek, Rafa, Hyppia, Luis Garcia, Hamann, they still have a special place in my heart, for they were at a time in their career, what it means to be a Liverpool player. I had thought Torres and Owen would forever remain special. When Owen signed for Real Madrid, I already felt betrayed, serves him right for us winning the Champions League after he left. Now Torres? Maybe its a curse, we need a player we love to leave before we can actually win something.

Hai, so deeply affected by it now. Can't sleep despite how tired I am.

Mega Face Palm

In da FACE! seriously, can't believe i've left all the tutorials and lectures undone for the weekend. Never even bothered to touch anything at all, except for reading up on SS project. Seriously, at this rate, my life will go a fking downhill slide once again. Not running, not doing work. An unfit mind, an unfit body, an unfit soul.

Grow fat and die.

Thinking back on what I should have done, what I could have done, what I shouldn't have done. All the what-ifs, all the freaking regrets. Its something that we've always asked each other no? If only back then, we chose to sit down and talk instead of walking away at the first sign of anger. What would be of us now?

But, whatever, it doesn't matter now. Nothing matters.

22 liao, and growing old

Yeah, as the title suggest, going to be 23 come this year's 7th October. Can't really believe what I've been through this past 22 years, really, everything seemed to happen in a flash. Everything shaping what I am today. Come this May 2, I would have finished my 2nd year of Uni life and looking forward to the second half which is gonna be hell of a hectic lifestyle. Luckily, there's an SEP break in between, hopefully can go out there and enjoy myself before coming back to end it with a bang, ala FYP.

This sem, can't seem to really enjoy what I love doing. Couldn't find time for my runs, at all. Maybe I'm just giving myself excuses not to work out, plus there's no motivation to run this year since I have not signed up any as of now. In 2 months there's gonna be a 10km, but seems like I'm gonna miss the early bird. Missing early birds are just excuses for me to not start training. Haha. Can't believe how much of a slacker I have become ever since stand chart ended. So much for wanting to stay fit. O well, I guess the last motivation I ever needed was the bloody ICT IPPT. Have to pass it this time round so that I wouldn't have to worry about RT again like I did this year. Really, not going to RT, and not having to bother about it will save up lotsa time and energy.

Well, there are other things I would have loved to do this sem, but nothing's going my way. How I wanted things to be. No, I've almost given up on doing anything for her. I just don't think its worth my time? Everything points to a one-sided relationship. What was I even thinking in the first place. She has broken my heart once before, what actually made me think she wouldn't do it again. How can I trust your words anymore? I really don't know. That's why, I told myself, yeah, fuck it, if you really need me to be there for you, you'll come look for me. It shouldn't be me constantly looking out for you and seeing whether you need me, at all.

I really dunno man. Any plans of anything happening during v-day? Nah. Gonna add one more year to that count of number of years spent alone for v-day. And ya, its fucking 21 despite having had relationships. Fuck me, the first one that I thought I would spend, she had a freaking project to do. The year after, became "friends" one week before that. The next year, freaking broke up with me on v-day thru email. Well, after that, just kept quarreling whenever it was near v-day so end up, I've been spending this stupid day at home for the past 21 years, so its not like another year will make a difference yeah? Maybe staying single is not that bad after all?

I do not need this

I've always thought that if you know someone well enough to conclude that he/she won't turn up for something, there is no need to ask. Guess I was wrong? Well, I did ask in the end, at least I bothered to, but I guess I didn't need the reaction. Compounded my misery for the week.

Everything was going really well today, slept the whole afternoon away, went out for dinner with family, and well, managed to put some bad stuff aside for the moment while I was out with my family. The bad stuff, I've really just decided not to do anything about it as of now, really want to see what's really happening before I do anything. Don't want to spoil anything at the moment. Though I don't see anything coming out of it, but o well, some things just need to be resolved.

Seriously, people change, and there's not a thing you can do about it. Life, sucks.

Alright, maybe i'm not being friendly enough by thinking that you won't go. But isn't it a bit harsh to say I never bothered to ask you? I did ask in the end, didn't I? And well, never mind, Shall not add on to my misery anymore. Not worth it.

For now, I shall enjoy this luck as long as it lasts. I just love it, when my gambling abilities peak whenever I'm not having any luck when it comes to love. Being a little sarcastic here, but what's wrong with enjoying your winnings when its really the only thing that can make me happy now, with the one I really care for not giving a damn about me at all. Doesn't help at all, you know? You made me fall in love with you, you made me want to care about you, but you pushed me away once I showed you how much I'm willing to care for you. What is this? Tell me. What's your problem? Or is it my problem? My fault for loving you? Why? I would rather lose this 1.5k I earned tonight than lose you, seriously. How much you mean to me, is more than that 1.5k. To me, you're priceless. You're above everything else on this earth. How much I wish to treasure the time we spend together, but only to realize that we're not spending as much time together as I would have liked to. It seems just a few weeks ago that you told me how you want to study together and stuff (which is really, just a few weeks ago). Only for you to disappear from my life completely. What's wrong? What's wrong with us?

Maybe I should just leave this quietly. Really, the pain has numbed me so much that I don't really feel it anymore. Just taking it as it comes. They don't come in waves, they never settle down. I've already been overwhelmed, so much so that, it does not hurt anymore.

if anyone

If anyone really cared, they would have bothered asking after reading this. But the only conclusion i can get it, no one cares. Being a man, its all about laughing it off when you feel like crying. Let's see how long I can keep laughing and smiling.

我是不是该安静的走开

Just feel that this song suits my mood so well. Argh, sucks when emo songs suit my mood, can only mean one thing, ie, slpless night again? I really feel like sleeping. Need to study tml, must go sch print tutorial and notes. Still needta compile the core mods notes. Feeling like a mugger so much this sem, no life, at all. In a way, it keeps thoughts away from me when I'm working, cuz there's basically too much stuff to handle. But when I really want to sit down and relax, the thoughts just keep flowing in.

Every single line of the lyrics just reflect my feelings so well. I really have no idea what I can do for you now. I don't even know what's happening. This sudden breakdown of communication. What's wrong with us? I really didn't know that this kind of situation will happen between us. No clue in this freaking world. I had no clue, at all.

So much so, that I feel like just shouting out to the world how much I love you, even if it means having my life taken away, I just want you to know. But, how can I, when you're not even listening. ):

Man, I needta sleep, I needta study, to forget the pain. Why?

The lyrics of the song:

我不知道为甚麽这样
爱情不是我想像
就是找不到往你的方向
更别说怎麽遗忘
站在雨里泪水在眼底
不知道该往那里去
心中千万遍不停呼唤你
不停疯狂找寻你
我是不是该安静的走开
还是该勇敢留下来
我也不知道那麽多无奈
可不可以都重来
我是不是该安静的走开
还是该在这里等待
等你明白我给你的爱
永远都不能走开
站在雨里泪水在眼底
不知道该往那里去
心中千万遍不停呼唤你
不停疯狂找寻你
我是不是该安静的走开
还是该勇敢留下来
我也不知道那麽多无奈
可不可以都重来
我是不是该安静的走开
还是该在这里等待
等你明白我给你的爱
永远都不能走开
我是不是该安静的走开
还是该勇敢留下来
我也不知道那麽多无奈
可不可以都重来
我是不是该安静的走开
还是该在这里等待
等你明白我给你的爱
永远都不能走开

Hmmm

I can't really say what my feelings are as of now. Its weird, just weird. After 2 days of playing games to try to drown my emotions, I found myself emotion-less once more. Though nothing went according to plan, like wanting to study over the weekend, I'm still quite satisfied with what I have done over the weekend, that is to set my emotions right. Sucks to do this, but I needed to, if I want to concentrate on my studies for this sem, I had to kill those emotions, some way or another. Burying it like I've always loved to. People might think I'm running away from my problems, so be it, at least I won't be bothered about it at the moment.

Well, if only I wasn't that sure about my feelings, it wouldn't have been so painful. But the more I tried to assure myself, the more I realise how these feelings have become stronger over the past few months. Weird as it is, the pain I'm feeling only makes me even more sure that my feelings are true for you.

O well, kinda set my priorities again this sem, so yeah, studies first.

Drinks and Emos

Took out the wine in the fridge, started drinking, from the bottle. While drinking, went youtube, started listening to all those emo songs that I can relate to so well now. 我们怎么了by S.H.E is so related to what I'm going through now. Having no idea what's going on, trying to believe that everything will be fine. I don't even know what's going on in my mind. I tried talking to people, and their answer for me was the same as the initial answer I had in my mind, that I was just thinking too much. And I tried convincing myself its nothing, its normal for you to do these kind of things. But, its really kinda getting on my nerves? It feels as though, I'm just being made use by you. I'm only your friend when I'm of use to you, other times, I'm just a nobody, someone's who's not even worth your time talking to, or simply showing some courtesy by replying? No. I somehow managed to convince myself that its alright, nothing's really wrong, I just needta carry on believing. Yeah? But my dear sixth sense just keeps on reminding me about how accurate I always am when it comes to such stuff. That i'm always able to grasp the situation correctly, especially when things are going downhill.

I don't know, I wanted to ask you what's going on. But, somehow, i'm afraid to even start asking. Why am I being afraid to love?

played

It feels as if i'm being played around by you. The more heart I put into it, the further you seem to drift away from me. What's wrong? You were the one who started getting closer to me. I opened my heart to you, and you're pushing me away now? So tell me, what's wrong? Am I just your plaything? Am I just someone who you can order around easily? What am I to you?

You're making my heart go up and down at so fast a rate, that I don't even think I can take it anymore. Confrontation is needed, and soon it must be. I'll let this end soon, be it a new beginning or a crushing end to whatever that's not to be. You're just making me tired. You're making me run in circles, doing things for you, and at the end of the day, you tell me you don't need it anymore? What are you? Who are you? I don't think I even know you anymore.

My heart aches, for you made me believe, but you pushed me down when I thought I've reached the heavens. Back to this hell, that I do not need. The easiest way out is of cause not to give a damn at all, and say I don't care about you. But you and I both know this well, if I say I don't give a damn, I would be lying to you. And this vicious cycle will just carry on, one where when I distant myself from you, you try to get close, and when I get close, you distant yourself from me. Tell me, what is this? Is this what you want?

perhaps

All I needed was time for myself, and not to spend a whole night thinking about her. I want to do the things I want for myself. Yes, i'm willing to do anything for her, but at the end of the day, I guess, I need to leave some time for myself.

So, yeah, I guess that's that. I don't want to spend time anymore thinking about why you're not doing this or that for me. That's not important. What's important is, when you needed me, I was there, and when you need me, I'll be there. The rest, is just not important. My resolve is such that, till someone who loves me more than I love her come along, (if ever there was someone like this), I would let this heart of mine to stay in this place, giving you my all. I'll be there when you want me, I'll leave when you don't want to see me, I just need you to know, that all I'm doing, is only because I want to give you my all. You won't lose a thing if you do not reciprocate to my feelings, it doesn't matter. Cause, as long as you're happy, I would be.

I do not want to emo over your stuff anymore, it just feels stupid all of a sudden. I would rather spend time on other things. After all, I just feel that if I truly love you for who you are, I shouldn't be sad in the process of loving you, at all. I'll just, be happy, with the memories you leave me, and any future memories we'll create together. I really do.

Why do u assume?

Staying up means i'm playing games?

Do I play games for the sake of playing?

Or is it simply because I'm having some problems sleeping, that's why I was so bored that I needed to do something?

Do you not think that I wished there were stuff to do?

Do you not think that I wished I could get myself drowned in school work?

Did you think that I do not prefer to thrive in stress rather than in games?

Do you really think I enjoy the stuff I do?

Why do u assume so much?

Do not assume. I say again, do not assume. Do not assume whatever you think to be true of what a person is.

If it was anyone else, I would probably have resorted to vulgarities or something even more.

So let me answer your assumptions one by one.

Most of the time, when I'm staying up, I'm not playing games whatsoever. Sitting infront of my laptop, staring at forums, death wished, blogging. Do you even care? Do you even understand? 22 years and counting. Have you ever asked, "hey, what's wrong?" No. For so long, I've pretended. Pretended to be happy, pretended to be satisfied. They say, be satisfied with what you have, and you will be happy. I once had so much, so much, that I feel that now I've lost a lot. Things that I do not even know why I'm losing. Even as I'm speaking now, I just feel the one thing so dear to me slipping away. I don't even know what happened, just a sudden bout of loneliness that she is letting me feel. Its as if she doesn't care, its as if I was the only one that cared. I guess its true, maybe she really just cares about herself? I don't even know which one is the real you anymore. The one that I enjoy talking so much with? Or the one who has seemed to disappear from my life again? I thought you wouldn't let me feel like this anymore, I thought so much, to the extent that I thought, "hey, don't think so much k? Everything will be fine." As much I as I try to convince myself that everything will be fine, there is just this "me" down there telling me what my sixth sense feels. And its usually accurate.

So well yeah, for 22 years, I've chose to keep to myself, not even once telling you 2 how I felt, not even once telling the other 2 how I felt. So, is it me that do not like to talk, or is it the 4 of you who are not willing to listen? What I've wanted my whole life, I've always fought for them myself. Even if I do ask it from you all, its because I really have no choice but to do so. I've followed the path that you all have plotted out for me. It was never "my" life, it was always what you all wanted me to be. Am I fulfilling my dreams? Or am I fulfilling yours? Maybe going into university, and getting a degree, is good for my future and stuff. But what is it that I really want? I stopped asking myself all these. Its as if my wants are not important anymore, I can't even feel for myself anymore. Its as if you all are placing your unfulfilled dreams on me, hoping that I can help you complete them? To get first class, to be my own boss, to get one freaking big house? Its what you all want. What I want, is just for myself to be happy, for the people I love to be happy. I really love you all, really. But all these pressure on me is making me crack. The weight of your dreams that has been put on me for 22 years. Its really painful, you know?

That no one cares, only makes it worse.

For 22 years, I've always chose to shake it off after a night's sleep. But now, I'm just finding it hard to sleep everyday. And did you ever ask "why?" You just assumed that all I wanted to stay up for was to play games. You just assumed everything to be what you think it is. Have you ever wondered why I would want to stay up to watch Liverpool's matches? You blindly assumed that I just want to keep up to times, keep up to people around me, and my crazy support for a team I like. Did you ever wonder why I started loving Liverpool? All these, because if it weren't for Liverpool, I would have been dead by now, mentally, if not physically. They taught me never to give up no matter what circumstances. They taught me to fight for the things I love, that no matter what, don't give up, and believe that it will come, whatever that you're wishing for.

So do you even give a damn now? I'm not asking for anything. After all, for 22 years, I have not asked for anything pertaining to showing more concern or whatsoever. It doesn't matter now, really, it does not. I only wish, that this control that you think you still hold over me could be lifted. I'm 22, almost 23, I know what I'm doing, you really don't need to tell me what I'm doing. Just let me be "myself", please? Its a sincere plead, one that comes from my heart. But well, you all have never listened for 22 years, so I'm not really thinking that you all would suddenly open up your heart and ears to my heart and mouth. Listen, not hear.

Every night, I'm just wishing that tonight will be the last night my tears fall.

its in

What's in? My emotions.

They're kinda taking over me now. Having realised so many things that I've missed out on, things that I've not done for her.

Looking back, I realised, all these started way before last May. It was during mid April I think, that such feelings came in. I didn't want to confirm them yet, cuz I thought it would be best to stay as good friends, cuz I really enjoyed the friendship. Then I wanted more, I wanted to be more than that. All these feelings felt natural, as long as I was with her. Doing these and that together, I thought to myself, "This is it, I won't back away from you anymore, I just want to hold you tight."

Then came hols, I thought, oh yeah, finally can spend more time with you? But that was not to be. Perhaps, I dragged too long, perhaps u think my heart is not with you. You kinda disappeared from my life, and so, i buried those feelings. For 6 months, I chose to stay away from you, I was scared the feelings will come come back. SO after 6 months, I thought maybe, I've finally forgotten about you, that when I open the lid and get close to you again, those feelings won't come flooding back again. I was wrong, absolutely wrong, the moment I let you into my life again, the moment I decided to open up to you again, all those came flooding back. My feelings for you. Things that matter so much to me. You, that mattered to much to me. Not that I regret it, I don't regret letting these feelings come back to me at all. I just hope you just don't disappear from my life again like you did back then. This time, I won't hesitate, I really want you here, to be with me everyday.

No more why's and why-not's, its just what I feel for you. I won't walk away again, no matter what. So please, just listen to what I have to say.

2nd day

2nd day of sch and i'm already thinking of which lectures to webcast.

Travelled from arts to science this afternoon to get from ssa lecture to st lecture. BAH! and i walked!! wthhhh. the stupid bus driver say those standing behind the yellow line get off the bus. SHIT! i'm standing ON IT!! zzzzzzzzzz. So i walked all the way from central lib bus stop to sci lt34. ): worth it? kinda, cuz i still got to the lt in time for the first slide. But seriously, its looking too easy a mod for me, st, i mean. So yeah, hopefully this mod will turn out well for me, probably gonna go for all the st lectures, still can understand what he saying.

As for SS, there's nothing to keep me going for the lectures. Firstly, arts, so hard to get there! Secondly, after 3 sems of not seeing her anywhere in school, AT ALL, i saw her standing outside my lt just before the lecture started. I was thinking, if she's taking the same mod, then bye bye, i'm gonna drop it. But apparently she isn't, but that is yet to be confirmed. But still, seeing her, it kinda, howta say, disgusts me? After what she has done to me, I don't see a need for me to respect her, at all. Thirdly, is of cuz the 15 mins for me to travel from arts to science, with bus, its still manageable, but walking is strictly no. SO i might not go for ss lects anymore.

And i've sure got lots to complain about my core mods. 2 mods, 2007 and 2011. 2007: its on ivle, but all the lecture notes, tutorials and stuffs are all locked. WTH!? i only hope it'll have webcast lectures. 2011: only the mod description is there yet, no postings by any lecturers or staff. What's worse? The lecturer for the lecture has not been confirmed yet. So wth? WTH!?

and...i'm really more than confirmed, so please, let it be you.

Not like me

Its not like me to blog in the afternoon, since normally all the creative juices and emotions come at night. But well, its kinda getting boring, since there's no one to talk to and I don't really feel like going out to get myself a pair of new shoes and sandals. The holes in my sandals and shoes are really kinda making me gao wei, especially that day when I was out with rachel and the rain water just seeped into my shoes from the hole. =/ Wet socks=sucky day.

Perhaps its those talk cock sessions at night with jon and zongda that make me feel bored in the afternoon, cuz there's no one to talk cock with. LOL. But seriously, mcq? lol. looking at those options i give them, 5 out of 6 were simply unthinkable or never crossed my mind as someone I would want to be with. So that leaves only her, and right now, really, only one that matters is her.

And its really funny, when someone matters that much to you, everything she does or does not do for you seem so significant. Perhaps its cuz u're thinking about her more. Perhaps because every move she makes can make you cringe, or make you smile with happiness. I really don't know how to describe this feeling, but it feels great to have someone to care about.

And I really can't wait for the sem to start, and like always, to put what is wrong right, and to let what is right become even better. New year, new resolutions, new hopes, new me.

sometimes

Sometimes, you just stay awake at night, unable to fall asleep, asking yourself, is it worth it, to do this or that for someone/something. So I looked at myself, why am I wide awake, in an army tee with army shorts, staring at the tv screen showing the score 2-0, where my Liverpool is trailing behind to a team we would have no problem beating 2 seasons ago, blackburn. What has befallen us? Is it because I'm not wearing a Liverpool jersey? Is it because I did not sing YNWA before the match started? I asked myself all these questions, but i know deep inside, it has nothing to do with me. And all the fault lies in one person, a bloke, called roy hodgson.

You want our support? Let me tell you this, every man in Liverpool, every player that has ever played, every manager that has ever managed, they earn our respect through their behaviour, and whether they follow the Liverpool way. You? you want it? Try getting it after you get sacked. I can't even see Liverpool having a future under him. I hope I don't see him around by feb. We need the king back, we do not need a clown.

Needing something new, need an injection of life. Needing you, just the way you are, nothing more, nothing less. Just you.

Worried

Every night, I seem to be able to find a reason for myself to not fall asleep. Yesterday, it was because I wanted to finish watching gundam 00. Tomorrow, I foresee myself staying up for the Liverpool match, though the last time I stayed up, the results weren't that good. But its always good to have something to look forward to.

So what's troubling me tonight? Well, for the past few nights, it wasn't really anything emotionally troubling for me, but just my own persistence to not go to sleep to do things I enjoy before the sem break ends. So what's going on tonight? First of all, I wanted to watch the magic show which I missed during the 8pm timeslot. Then, after that, there was bai fen bai. But seriously, I know all these are not the real reasons for myself staying up. Yes, I'm worried about you. Very much. Get some sleep, don't fall sick.

I shall not say that much anymore. Tonight, i'm just worried. So, tell me, why do you mean so much to me?

I still remember your first profile pic, I still remember your first display pic, I still remember the first time we clicked on that "video chat" button, I still remember all the firsts. Do you remember?

EH!?

That was exactly what I shouted out in my heart after watching Gundam 00 movie. Seriously!!! The anime was great and all, but they had to add this shit to pull down the whole series? Instead of giving the fans a much needed fanfare, with amazing gundams and stuff, they came up with a lousy plot, bad gundam designs, and as usual for gundam movies, the inevitable destruction of the gundams at the end of the movie, kinda brought me back to the wingz days where i saw my beloved angel gundam crashing and burning to nothingness.

EH!?

okay, but seriously, i'm not here to talk about gundams. And not about reflections too, as I've had done plenty of that in my previous 2 posts. So what am I here to talk about? I seriously have no idea. What follows might be gibberish, but it is all down to the fact that I can't fall asleep now. And I wonder why. =/

Needing an injection of life again. Yes, certain stuffs have given me hope, but I found myself slacking at home for the past few days, and right now, I just can't wait for school to reopen. So many things to do, so many things to pick up from where I've left them, so many people I want to spend time with, so many modules to take, so many tutorials to do. You might think I'm crazy looking forward to school reopening, but well, if it does not begin, then when will it end? The next 3-4 months will be hectic, but all I wish is to find time to do what I want, to spend time with the person I want to spend time with so much.

All of a sudden, I just wanna go out with you everyday like we did the other day. To me, it seemed the most fun and fulfilling day of the whole december break. So many outings that I had went out for, so many gatherings, yet, one single trip with you felt so much better. At least I didn't feel left out, at least I felt needed, at least I didn't feel a need to contain myself, at least I had all to talk about, at least I had all to listen to, at least...I had you.

Suddenly felt like singing zhi shao hai you ni. hmmmm, maybe all I need is a k session soon. But then again, school is reopening, and I doubt I would be able to squeeze in any time this school term for fun stuffs as such. With the 6 mods, with the RT sessions, everything points to a packed sem 4, but hopefully, you will be there, and hopefully, my life would be so much better with you around me.

至少还有你

Sometimes I ask myself this alot, what would life be like if I've never met you. Perhaps I wouldn't have gone through so much only to realise that I still like you alot? Perhaps I wouldn't have know how it feels like, to have someone there already, yet I didn't notice? Perhaps I wouldn't have known what it means to lose someone only to realise how important she is to me. I wouldn't have been me. We wouldn't have been us. You, will still be you, always smiling to me, always.

Always, it is a strong word. How I've been hurt by this word so much before, but now, I only want to say it to you. I'll "always" be there, so that whenever you get hurt or felt lonely, you can say to me, "At least I still have you."

You're the only one that made me really think that it doesn't matter whether you're there for me, I just want to be here for you. Its not about how much I'm going to get from you, its always, about how much I'm willing to give to you. And i'll give you my all, for you're the only one that needs to know what's going through my mind, I only want you to know. I only want to tell you those 3 words that mean so much to me. If only I could hear those 3 words from you too.

Bah, its getting late, and for all I know, you're probably not gonna read this anyway.

I've said this before, like was it 7 months ago? The key is with you, you already have it in your hands, and its up to you whether you want to open it. I'll be right here waiting for you.

2011

Its finally here, the year that i look so much forward to, partly due to the fact that 2010 wasn't exactly a good year for me, with plenty of downs rather than ups, but i'm kinda glad it ended on a high, for me.

Spent the last few moments of 2010 at rachel's place, with great food and games. Managed to help rachel win some money so that I wouldn't feel that bad for winning money from her all the time. haha. The mee siam was great, and so was the dessert, her mom's cooking is simply magnificent. hahaha. Then we spent the remaining time after mahjong to watch tv and stuff. Can't believe we actually sat in front of a tv to "admire" the fireworks. hahaha. Then as everyone went to sleep, andrew and I decided to play dota, partly becuz rachel said she wanted to see us play, or maybe just her ploy to get us to do something else so that she can go and sleep. hahaha. But well, yeah, spent the first few hours of the new year playing dota. =.= hahaha, but was fun trying out new heroes. And after counting the number of matches played on new year's day, we actually played 6 rounds with our pheonix-tuskarr combi. kinda lame, but fun nevertheless. hahaha

Well, as usual, I shall leave some time to set new year resolutions for a year that I look forward to, in every ways possible. Academically, health, love, life, everything.

1) Draw that fallen angel image that I had in mind for the past couple of months.

2) Seriously pick up a guitar and LEARN.

3) Get my spanish better.

4) Try to hit 30km non-stop by Sundown marathon.

5) Fall in love.

6) Make her happy.

7) Pull up my cap.

8) Spend more time with the people I love (i.e family and you)

9) To attend all lectures.

10) To complete all tutorials and assignments.

11) To be less angsty.

12) To treat everyone with respect.

13) To love myself more than anything else except for her.

14) To set my mind on what I want and never look back.

Well, that seems like alot, and I personally feel that number 9 and 10 are the hardest. hahahaha. Well, as for number 5, I've already told myself, this time I would have to act fast, I won't let the chance slip by me again. I've already missed the chance one, I will not let you go, ever again. You are everything to me now.