Letting go, its probably the hardest thing to do

Why do I even hold on to it? Something that I know won't exist as long as I want hope it would last. Its just like what I told myself at the end of last sem.. Why do I still cling on to this?

"its stupid, how I'm not willing to take that extra step, to be happier than I already am, cuz I'm not willing to risk whatever that I have right now, whatever that's diminishing. Since its going to go away anyway, why am I still not willing to risk it all and go for it? It sucks to fall in love with a friend, I just hope this would be the last. =/"

Well, one thing I know for sure its how it's diminished. But why do I still care? No matter how much I tell my friends, that "well, I don't really care" OR "what she does doesn't really affect me that much". At the end of the day, my actions say otherwise. There's always the part of me that cares.

Need to carry a heavy textbook? Well, why not, I organise a last minute mahjong so that I can be in that area the next morning to pick her up? -checked-

Throat not feeling well? Well, why not, I get down a few stops earlier to buy that liang teh and walk to sch after that..And stay at career fair far longer than I had expected to (even after already visiting almost all the booths), just to pass it to her? -checked-

There's so many things I've done. Of course its deliberate. But its just the way I care.

But we all knew this would happen, didn't we? It was written for the future already.

That once everything was done and dusted, the problems that were always there would always surface in the end.

No matter how much I tell myself that it doesn't matter if the feelings are mutual, I'll still care for u, at the end of the day, the fact that its not mutual would only turn back and hurt me that much.

It has come down to that once again, the more I care, the more I feel hurt. But the less I care, the fact that I've cared so much before would just turn back and hurt me.

I was so close to letting go last sem, but you came back and made me care for you. Now that you don't need me anymore, you're just attempting to break that care I have for you. I should have just let go, at least it wouldn't hurt me this much now.

I dun even know if you're reading this. If you are, I guess its even better, that you know how I feel. If not, I just hope this pain will slowly find a way out of my heart, together with all that care I have for u. Its alot, but time will eventually bring all these away.. :/