I hate losing

As a child, I hated losing. I never liked it. Be it during taekwondo matches, or even the one speed typing competition where i got 2nd place, I never liked it. Losing always gave me a weird anger, of myself. Sometimes I wallow in self pity, but most of the time, I'm just angry at myself for not being able to do better.

Then I started losing, alot. I lost the ability to use my legs as freely as I used to from that accident in sec 2. I couldn't kick as I used to, I couldn't do the things I used to love. I somewhat recovered, but it was never the same. And I stopped tkd cuz of studies, because I didn't want to lose in studies too.

Then I lost what I thought was the most important bond I had back then, and a second one after that. And I never seemed to get back up.

To others, I mostly looked like my normal self, just jokingly smiling away. But like always, I just hide it away. The feelings, my weakness. I didn't want others to see the weak side of me. I seldom do.

Only a few times, I let others in to see that weak side of mine, because I wanted them to understand, because a part of me wants to be heard. But perhaps I've been letting the wrong people see this weak side of mine. Its either they don't care, or they chose to exploit it, and I end up getting hurt even more.

This time round, I thought it was all going to be fine, I could be back to what I love doing. But no, that had to happen. Was it my fault? Partially. I probably didn't need to go all out. But what the heck, what's done been done. Perhaps it wasn't meant to be in the first place, that this wasn't a path for me, and I was just trying too hard to cling onto something I should have let go back when I first injured my legs.

Right now, I'm just lost. zero direction. I need to have an 'F5' button in my life to refresh all these.

October.. You have not been a good month.

Sudden realisation that that was a dream :/ when her name kept appearing in the book that i was reading in my dream. Hmmm

Confusion

I have never been so confused for such a long time. I thought I was very sure about my feelings. Or rather I was very sure that there were no feelings at all. But somehow, somewhere, those feelings that I thought were gone, were just hiding somewhere waiting for it all to come out. I really have no idea what to do with what I'm feeling right now.

Is this even right?

I.. don't really know. On one hand, its something that I've always wanted, and only till recently that I thought maybe it wasn't meant to be. On the other hand, its something that brought me out of monotony in my work life, something that I thought I wouldn't find. Is it wrong to think that I want to keep both at my side? I guess it is.

Of course, I can just tell myself, go for one, and if that fails, there's always a back-up. But what the heck, I'm not like that. I shouldn't be like that. So until I can actually find out how I truly feel, I shouldn't be doing anything about it, even if it felt like the right moment to do anything, it probably won't be, because of everything else that's happening.

It has never been so confusing, but now it is.