Mother's Day

Suddenly missing home alot. Maybe cuz its mother's day. I dunno. =/

Kinda reminded me of something, but yeah, at the end of the day, I never regretted my decision back then. Family is a love that will never abandon me, but you weren't my family. No matter how selfish you think I am now, I still think I made the right decision. I couldn't give you what you wanted, I couldn't give up on family time for you, so in the end, it was the best no?

Just glad that I'm going back in 2 weeks' time! SEP has been a long trip away from all those things in Singapore. In a way, it managed to get me over whatever that was holding me back emotionally. I've managed to grow out of the past. I've learnt to look at things from a different angle, and not to be always so pessimistic about certain stuff.

Being able to let go of the past easily has been the greatest achievement I had on SEP. It really wasn't this easy in the past, I've never really managed to let go. But somehow, after all this travelling, its the sudden realisation that life is only this short, why dwell on the past, when you can embrace the future.

So now, I open my arms wide to the future, come what may, good or bad, life still has its meaning, and I still have my family at the end of the day. The one true love that will never leave you is your family. (:

The Past

I think I'm good at it, letting go of the past. Afterall, so many "pasts" that I've had, I would really say none of them pulled me down in any way. As a matter of fact, the past allowed me to grow, as a person, as an individual. Yes, I do think about the past from time to time, as this post (and many other posts) show. But really, I've let it all go, and I don't see anything wrong, at all, about reminiscing the past.

Perhaps its a kind of ritual, or something that I have to do, before I commit myself to falling in love. I always, and will always, think too much before committing. That's probably a mistake that I've never corrected in my life, and somehow, I can't seem to get myself out of this. I'll always have to reflect on the past, find my true feelings, and eventually decide to commit, but its often too late.

The feelings are always true, but I'm just trying to prepare myself for anything. Not wanting those bad things in the past to happen to me again. I don't want to lose anyone anymore. I don't want to lose the things I treasure so much. I don't want to treasure something this much, and realise in the end that it was never mine to begin with. I don't want to lose someone I treasure to time. I don't want to have to choose family over a relationship. So many "don't wants" but all I want is to love again. Yes, I think I fell in love again?

I know, there's probably nothing to hold me back anymore. There's no NS, so it would definitely be a 100% commitment. I won't allow other people to step in and jeopardize the relationship like it did before in the last one.

All I can say is, so much talk, but there's nothing I can really do, till she gets back.

Its kind of funny, or rather ironic, how these things work. Before SEP, I couldn't wait to get back to where someone is, only to get my feelings toyed with. Now, towards to the end of SEP, I don't really want to leave Europe, but at the same time, I can't wait for someone to come back. I guess, waiting is something I've always been doing, and I'll just carry on waiting, till the day that my heart really dies away.

It just came, I didn't know. This feeling. I've never had for 5 months. Looking forward to things. Looking forward to replies. Looking forward to everything. Its like, when it comes, it just comes, and you can't stop the feelings from gushing in. I've already tried so hard for so long so that I won't get hurt again, but this time round, I decided to give it a try. To give myself a chance.

Trip of self discovery

Just came back from St Petersburg. I wouldn't say it was that bad a place, just that the scenery and stuff didn't really get to me. Place-wise, it wasn't that great a trip. But the company I had while over there certainly made up for it. Apart from the usual gang of Ivie, YunXuan, Fanzhe, Xiaochen & Tiff, this time round, we were joined by Congren, Wei Ting, Michelle, Ruyi & jon. The craziness was over the top, with random stuff coming from everyone. It really made the trip alot more enjoyable.

First night on a cruise. Yes, its my first time taking a cruise, and perhaps that's what got me a wee bit excited at first. Attempting to watch the sunset, but ended up just chilling in the cruise. Live performance and stuff, and it was pretty much an okay night that would normally make me go "meh". Went into my cabin that night and was very much surprised to see 6 people inside this 4-person cabin, excluding myself that is. Chatted with them a bit, and glad that I didn't join them in their crazy party. They were pretty much wasted the next day, judging from how disturbed I was the whole night, by people coming in and out of the cabin, switching on lights, etc. Definitely not a good experience.

Next day, arrived at St Petersburg. Waited damn long for everyone to get out of the passport control, and everything was behind schedule by 1 hour. After finally moving off, realised that, owell, Italy is still the best city I've been to, so far (hopefully Spain will be as good as I expect it to be, will get to why I decided to go to Spain in the end later on). St Petersburg, just a city with a wee bit of history and churches, and churches, and churches. The palaces were, well, normal looking from the outside, and not at all spectacular. The only real thing I liked about the city was how there were no skyscrapers around. A look into the distance and you can see the clear blue sky, with beautiful clouds without any tall buildings disturbing your view. Something that's missing very much in Singapore. 

Good blend of sky, clouds, buildings with aligned heights, nice fountain. What a view, what a beauty.

The second day in St Petersburg was all about Catherine's Palace in the day and the Russian dinner at night. Catherine's Palace was, well, looking good like a palace should be. Golden decorations and stuff. But apart from the bit of history it has, you can just see how commercialized this palace has become. A museum it has become, leaving me not too impressed with the palace. The Russian dinner though, was pure fun. Glad that the group of us managed to get our private table and room in the end due to some cock-ups by the restaurant. Ended up having fun drinking vodka shots and talking cock. On the way back was even crazier than I thought. Something that I thought I won't see unless I'm with my group of crazy RV friends. Maybe because weiting was from rv too, that's why I felt a sense of familiarity with the craziness she and michelle were giving out. Its the kind of craziness that I got used to back in those sec school days, and the kind of company I enjoy. When we got back to the hostel, it was even more craziness, with all the crazy singing and stuff. Like I've said before, without the wonderful company of these 10 people, the trip might not have been as fun.

The last day in St Petersburg was just another Palace. This time, the "great" Winter Palace. Don't see why people would be fascinated by this palace-turned-museum. Just not what I would expect of a palace. The highlight of the night though, was the night on the cruise. Self-discovery time on the deck of the cruise. Looking at the reflection of the moon on the surface of the sea with xiaochen, fanzhe and yunxuan. Those ripples, making patterns out of the reflection, such beauty, and kinda made me think of wanting to see it with someone I love, though there's not anyone in mind. When Xiaochen asked us if the reflection of the moonlight reminded us of anyone and yunxuan answered "ah ma", it kinda plunged me into emo-ness. Thinking of the last moments I spent together with my grandma and not being able to attend her funeral, I cried, for the first time in 3 months. I just went to this corner of the deck and stared out at the sea, and just couldn't stop crying. I realised how much I missed my family, how much I wouldn't want to spend another 6 months away from there anymore.

Then I pretty much emo-ed all the way on the deck, until the crazy girls came onto the deck and disrupted me from my emo-ness. Was still in a state of wanting to cry until weiting pointed to the sky and shouted "question mark". I looked up and saw that the so-called question mark was actually the dipper. Perhaps its the way weiting said it that made me want to laugh, or perhaps its how the dipper reminded me of the person who taught me how to see the dipper, I managed to snap out of the emo-ness. I don't know who to thank, Weiting, the dipper, or that person, but at the very least it kinda pulled me out of everything. So many things that I've been holding back for the past 3 months, after what happened. All of it kinda just dispersed with the "question mark" being shouted. Instantly reminded me of how that special friend once told me that like how the dipper points to the North star, there are always friends in our life that would point us in the right direction. Thank you everyone, for everything.

After that, we bought beer back to the cabin and just drank the night away, all while having htht. Never had a good htht in a long while, so it was rather much enjoyable. While I didn't really share with them whatever that was happening to me throughout this SEP, through the htht session, I kinda pulled myself out of it. At least by sharing with them what happened between me and my 3rd gf, I managed to remind myself about what I actually want to look for in life. Something that I've lost along the way, something that I've completely forgotten and made me go against my principles when I said I wanted to be awesomely single. I realised that all I wanted, was to strike a balance between my love life and family life. No longer will I run away from being afraid to love just because I don't want to get hurt again. I've kinda decided to not turn away from my feelings, after all, that's who I truly am. If I keep running away from my feelings, the person I'm showing to others will always be a fake me, a pure coward, and a person who does not dare to talk too much to the person he likes, just so that he won't fall in love with her. You get what I mean. So yeah, enough of running away. Its time to face myself, and be myself.

But anyways, I'm so glad that I've decided to go to Spain in the end. Perhaps its this "be myself" thingy that led me to the decision to go to Spain. Perhaps its how weiting said must go to granada cuz its beautiful. Perhaps its how when I saw weiting's cover photo of Granada on fb, I thought it was very pretty. Or perhaps, its just how I've always wanted to go to Spain. But yeah, I'M GOING TO SPAIN! :D

The alone time in Spain would probably give me even more time to think about what I want in life, and perhaps, actually finding out whether I should go after her.