The Past

I think I'm good at it, letting go of the past. Afterall, so many "pasts" that I've had, I would really say none of them pulled me down in any way. As a matter of fact, the past allowed me to grow, as a person, as an individual. Yes, I do think about the past from time to time, as this post (and many other posts) show. But really, I've let it all go, and I don't see anything wrong, at all, about reminiscing the past.

Perhaps its a kind of ritual, or something that I have to do, before I commit myself to falling in love. I always, and will always, think too much before committing. That's probably a mistake that I've never corrected in my life, and somehow, I can't seem to get myself out of this. I'll always have to reflect on the past, find my true feelings, and eventually decide to commit, but its often too late.

The feelings are always true, but I'm just trying to prepare myself for anything. Not wanting those bad things in the past to happen to me again. I don't want to lose anyone anymore. I don't want to lose the things I treasure so much. I don't want to treasure something this much, and realise in the end that it was never mine to begin with. I don't want to lose someone I treasure to time. I don't want to have to choose family over a relationship. So many "don't wants" but all I want is to love again. Yes, I think I fell in love again?

I know, there's probably nothing to hold me back anymore. There's no NS, so it would definitely be a 100% commitment. I won't allow other people to step in and jeopardize the relationship like it did before in the last one.

All I can say is, so much talk, but there's nothing I can really do, till she gets back.

Its kind of funny, or rather ironic, how these things work. Before SEP, I couldn't wait to get back to where someone is, only to get my feelings toyed with. Now, towards to the end of SEP, I don't really want to leave Europe, but at the same time, I can't wait for someone to come back. I guess, waiting is something I've always been doing, and I'll just carry on waiting, till the day that my heart really dies away.

It just came, I didn't know. This feeling. I've never had for 5 months. Looking forward to things. Looking forward to replies. Looking forward to everything. Its like, when it comes, it just comes, and you can't stop the feelings from gushing in. I've already tried so hard for so long so that I won't get hurt again, but this time round, I decided to give it a try. To give myself a chance.