The sem ends

Finally, the sem is over. Ups and downs, tipsy-turnies. From liking how the sem was at the start to totally detest going to sch in the mid, to getting back to slightly like the sem, and ending off with a "yay, its finally over." Whatever happened during the sem, I can only say, well, nothing really happened. I'm still me, an entity called "me". Not that I was looking to become an entity of "we" anyways.

While driving home just now, the DJ on 93.3 was asking, if you could use one chinese word to describe your year, what would it be? Then I set myself into deep thought, and perhaps that's why I wasn't talking on the car, sorry if it felt as if I was being anti-social =/ I wasn't feeling well the whole day anyway, just glad that I was able to pull through the day despite feeling feverish the whole day.

Oh well, back on topic. The chinese word I thought of, after dropping off my friend, I thought out loud in the car, hmmm, what could it be? I just sat in my car after parking and continued to think. Its probably cuz of how so many things happened in the past one year, that it felt as if it was more than a year. The whole SEP felt like it was a year itself while this sem felt like another, when it was just in fact one year. Then I thought, hmmm, if that's the case, the one word that can describe my year would be, "乱", as in messy.

The whole year started off really well, landing in Finland for the new year, having my own countdown while slping on the plane. Arriving in a brand new country, a brand new continent, full of excitement, that "hey, its gonna be a good trip, while at the same time, I would be looking forward to going back cuz there's someone waiting for me". Whatever led me to think that way in the first place (the last part I mean), was probably just misinterpretation of her words or she didn't mean what she said, but well, its over anyway.

Then it was followed by many adventures, many happy times. Missing home, missing her. Then the bomb that came on CNY eve, totally changed the way I looked at life. I started the whole "let's care more about myself than for others". A very egoistic way of thinking. I just thought that nobody was worth the effort anymore. I've tried so hard, and not even once I was close. Perhaps I just lost the way to love when I couldn't hold on to the last. But then again, that's the past.

Moving on, I started travelling across Europe, enjoying my life everywhere I go, making new friends, especially one who made a rather huge impact on the sem that just ended. But still, through all the rest of the period of SEP, I was just happy with the way my life is turning out to be. Such awesome-ness, I didn't have to be with anyone to feel happy. I was happy, just doing the things I love to do.

Then I came back to Singapore, I thought I could maintain that mentality, that lifestyle, I was totally wrong. 

In the first place, the kind of lifestyle in Europe, it never suited the busy pace in Singapore. Social pressures aside, there were other types of pressures that just force you to pick up your pace, and being not able to do the things you love to do. I wanted to go back to tae-kwon-do, but see what happened in the end? Till now, I'm not even back yet. =/ But that's another story altogether.

All the stress from the studying, from FYP, made me turn into a person all so different from who I was during SEP and who I was before SEP. I still didn't see relationships as something I wanted, but then again, I needed someone to be there. Someone I could depend on, someone I could talk to whenever I wanted. And the most convenient person to be that person was someone who I would see in school everyday. 

When I thought of taking mods together with her, I never thought things would turn out this way, that I would end up being so dependent on one person to hear out my worries, to listen to my rants. I just wanted to have fun and take mods with new friends.

*So if I ended up depending on you too much, I'm sorry.

Perhaps that's why things turned out this way anyways. My warped mentality of not wanting to be in a r/s but still needing someone for me to depend on, its like it seemed I wasn't sure what I wanted, but in fact, I already know what I want, and what I do not want. I can't put it in simple words, but yeah, whatever, not like it matters to her anways.

Then began the roller coaster of the sem, emotional roller coaster. A see-saw of "caring too much" and "not caring at all". Perhaps its cuz of how she decided to only talk to me when she needs my help, that made me think, "alright, fine, if that's the case, I'll only care when I need to." So at first, it started off as caring, caring and caring, then I held back a little. Then I held back even more, and towards the end, it just seemed that I don't care anymore.

It was just a matter of options. I had two options, to continue caring for her, and to not care at all. Either way, I felt hurt. If I cared so much, she gives me the feeling that I'm only useful when she needs me, and other times, I'm just not her friend at all. Then, if I don't care at all, it gives me the feeling the reason why she's not talking was cuz I wasn't caring at all.

Why must people look at friendships this way? Is it really necessary that if a guy depends on a girl too much, the guy actually likes her? Maybe I do, but the bottomline is, in the friendship, I never thought of wanting it to develop into a relationship. Even if I liked her, at the end of the day, I still wanted to be single.

Why can't people be more honest with each other? Why do we have to doubt each other?

Sigh, so yeah, that's how messy my year was. =/