My mom told me that when we were watching some variety show on ch8 just now.
And I totally disagreed with her when she said that. I rebutted her by saying, "你对别人好，人家不一定对你好的" Probably said it out cuz it was really what I felt, and what i've been feeling all this while, ever since the day I realised its so hard to place trust in anyone anymore, and that, happened 7 years ago.
Perhaps I never let it go, and perhaps, i'll never find a way to let this regret go. I can never tell anyone my true feelings? When was the last time I told a person how I truly felt. Can't recall. There will always be some thing holding me back when I want to say the things I really want to say. Be it for fear of trust being misplaced, or be it that these ppl are not worth my trust.
But lately, I've realised that perhaps, the one that is not worthy is me. I'm not worthy to gain anyone who I can trust fully, when I can't even face the truth myself. Perhaps, if one day, I find the right person, I'll be able to tell her everything I truly feel.
There have been people in my life, after that fateful day 7 years ago, that have made me feel like telling them all, telling them everything. But somehow, somewhat, due to certain circumstances, or that the fact that they can never be the special someone in my life, I stopped there, not wanting to say anymore. Backing away, kicking ppl away so that I won't have any tendency to tell them the truth, at all. I'm afraid, i'm always afraid, that once I put my heart out into the open and leave it in someone else's care, I would get hurt again. But in the end, no matter what I do, I'll still get hurt. But it would probably hurt even more if I truly poured my heart out.
In fact, I did leave this fragile heart of mine in some ppl's hands before, but i've always managed to take it all back in time before too much damage is done. But like I've said before and will always say, this whole thing is tiring. I'm tired of trying. Tired of having to find someone who will truly understand.
Its like shouting out to the world for someone to understand, but all I get is my own echo.
I'm tired, really tired.
All these sleepless nights, becuz I have no one to talk to. I don't want them anymore, but what can I do.
When I say things out, ppl dun understand. When me myself doesn't even understand my own feelings, who would even try to understand me?
You? you? You? or perhaps you? No. None. None of you will ever try to understand.
Why? Am I not good enough? Am I such a bastard that no one would care about? Or perhaps I'm always saying the wrong things.
I don't want to cry anymore, I really don't. I would rather show ppl my true happy face than put on a facade of smiles to cover up those tears and sadness.
Smilez 4 eva, you told me that, and I'm still doing it, though not from the heart, but at least it shows on the face.
I'm probably a hypocrite for doing that. But if ppl dun bother to try to understand my sadness, then there is no point in letting ppl know what I am truly feeling, so i'll just keep smiling.
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