am i dumb or what

you saw this coming didn't you? you knew it would end like this, yet you pretended that everything will turn out just fine when you get back. You just knew it would end like this. When i say you, i'm actually talking to myself. SO fuck you, dumb ass.

If you even think that pretending to be smiling will be able to cover up ur sadness, you're so damn right. But what it does is only cover up the sadness on your face, deep down there u're still hurt, but u just dun wanna show it to anyone. You're weak in that sense, never wanting to show ppl how u truly feel. Perhaps, if you were not this weak and actually showed people your true emotions, you wouldn't feel so fucked up right now. You wouldn't even be crying while typing this post.

And what great timing. CNY eve? i knew it would happen, but not today please. As if the feeling of being away from the family on this day is not enough, you had to make it worse. I'm not blaming you for anything. I'm the one to blame, for holding on to something that I knew just wouldn't work out. Yet I still hung on. So what did I get out of it in the end? An experience? Or a sad chapter to add to my life?

I dun even know whether its my strength that will bring me through this, to get over you. Or would it be my weakness to succumb to fate, or destiny, whatever you call it. No matter how hard I fight against it, it just comes back to haunt me. Some things will stay the same no matter how hard you try to change it. I tried to fight it, but somehow, deep down inside, I knew it was a battle I could never have won. The kind of person I am, how I was brought up, its somehow a destined fact that I wun end up with anyone I love. Or let anyone realise how much I feel for them. I simply, do not dare to expose my true feelings to anyone.

The only thing that was holding my heart up. The broken pieces, the mess of a thing called heart. yeah, the only thing was this little thing called hope that was holding all the pieces together. That one single message just managed to take it away, and everything just fell apart like that. I thought my dream of being shot dead on cny eve was bad enough, but this reality wasn't something I had expected, and it feels much worse than being shot dead. You might as well have just killed me on the spot so I won't feel this pain.

so, this is what you meant?

if this is really what you meant by keeping in contact even when i'm in finland. Then you're doing a "great" job.  If I had known that things would turn out this way, then I really really shouldn't have told you at all. At least even if it died off, it would mean you not knowing at all, and perhaps it wouldn't hurt this much? You were the one who said all those things about keeping in contact, about staying as friends. So what's this? You were the one who told me its ok even if I keep telling you that I'm in love with you. You said its not my fault, I didn't understand. Now the way you're behaving, it just makes me think that you were just trying to make me feel better before i flew. SO its ok now to just kick me to one corner?

I told you i'm not expecting anything, just let me treat you the way I've been treating you as always. SO why is this even happening now? why?

It just hurts to even think about it. =/

starting to feel it

I'm starting to feel it. The pain of being here, and not there. Starting to wonder, whether it would have been different if I had not told her anything. Or whether it would have been different if I was more active during last sem. Or whether if I had not accepted this SEP, how would things be like now?

I always think that I don't regret the things I do. Yes, I don't regret the things I did, but I regret for the things that I could have done. In this aspect, I guess I still have not grown out of it.

I'm really scared, of the future. I don't know how things would be like when I get back to Singapore. As the days go by, I just find myself chasing your shadows. I've lost track of where you are. Its almost as if you're no longer in my life. Apart from the occasional tweet, there's really nothing else. If this is what you meant by keeping in contact, I guess we're doing it wrong.

I knew hanging on would be this tough. Yet I chose this path. If only you knew how much this means to me, perhaps you wouldn't have said those words to me. I guess I just didn't show you enough. But that doesn't mean I'm going to give up. Its just 4 months left. Somehow, I'll make it through. Somehow, I'll not let my tears bring me down. Somehow, I'll cry for the fact that I was not able to make you feel how much you mean to me, but I'll hang on. If only you could read my mind. I don't need to know or understand how you feel, cuz I know that if only you knew how I felt, you would definitely have said yes to me.

I just hope that there is still time for me to make you change your mind. So please, don't give up on me.

Even this slight glimmer of hope I'm holding on to, seems to be dispersing as the days go by. Finland is cold, but I feel that you're colder than that towards me.

I'm just afraid, that things wouldn't be the same anymore. But I'm more afraid of you leaving my life.

I miss you, I miss going out with you, I miss your smile, I miss listening to your stories, I miss listening to your life, I miss being part of your life. I miss everything that is you. And I guess, I've missed my chance. =/

Will you say yes when I get back? Will my clinging on prove to be what it takes to win your heart?

I only hope the answer is yes.

First Night

First night in Tampere, in the hostel, and I'm already missing you. ):

I just can't wait for SEP to end and fly back to you, so that I can tell you how much you really mean to me. If the reason for us not getting together was because of SEP, then i'll make it right for us. So please, really, just wait for me to come back.