not about

This is not about me not giving a damn about whatever that's happening to you. I care alot. But I've decided not to. Its not that I don't want to care. Its just you who's telling me with ur actions/attitude, that you don't want me to care about at all. For far too long, I've given too much a damn for your feelings, neglecting whatever that's hurting me, cuz I tried to believe in what I've seen from you in the past. But I guess, I was so damn wrong. I couldn't care anymore. I wouldn't care anymore. I shall not care anymore. Its for my own good, not yours. I don't give a damn. I gave too much. I never asked for anything in return, but at least this shouldn't be the way things should turn out.

If you gave me a reason for what you've been doing, I would accept it, and take it as it is. But you, choosing not to explain? All I can say is, well, i'll fuck off then, and I'll never admit that I was in the wrong even if I really was in the wrong. Cuz you're not explaining, simple as that. Without an explanation, for me, its simple, you're wrong, that's why you don't dare to explain. So really, is it my problem or yours? Its for you to decide, but till then, I will keep thinking that I've never really let you down, you did.

If it was something that I never had, I wouldn't give a damn. But its a friendship I once had, but now I feel as if I don't know you at all. Losing something that I once had, that, I can't stand. But yeah, no more. Don't care, dun give a damn, just don't give a fuck.

Song in mind

Suddenly had lyrics popping up in my mind again, after so long of not thinking about writing any songs at all, it came flooding back. Thinking of writing this song, perhaps to show how disappointed I am in whatever that has happened between us, or perhaps to show you how much you still mean to me, to show you how much you meant to me, to show you, how much, i'm willing to do for you. Yet you don't care. But anyway yeah, just a small part from the song:

这生中你和我已不再有变成我们的可能。

Too much

Maybe I spent too much time out this weekend. Got alot of things done, did whatever I could for my circuit board, given more time, it'll probably still be like that. Tutorials done. But after all this, I'm really really tired and exhausted. I guess this is what you get when you try to balance life and 6 mods. Trying to enjoy while studying hard at the same time. Guess it has taken its toll on my body. Feel like a fever coming up. O well.

But really enjoyed myself on friday night, went out with sec sch frens to play san guo sha at bukit batok macs. Initially thought I would just spend a few hours there, maybe zhao at 12 plus. End up we played from 9pm all the way till 3plus am. Then sent the guys home. Phew, car was locked in west mall carpark, luckily found the guards and they were good enough to let us go in to get the car out. Then again, didn't know west mall carparks close so early. O well. Then was supposed to send tzeheng to clementi for him to take nr3, end up i dunno why, from teban gardens, i couldn't find my way to clementi, perhaps cuz of the fatigue. O well, but in the end sent him all the way home and managed to have a good chat. Funny how, when you need someone to talk to, its not the people you think that're closest to you, but the friend whom you've not seen for so long.

Life, as it is, offers no light to me.

Thinking of you.

Actually, I felt like writing a real long post, but after some thinking, it probably means nothing to you, so nvm. =/

zettai kareshi

Watched zettai kareshi again on channel u. Reached the part where rikko got confessed by the guy. D: always felt sad for knight. Brings me to a point, that no matter how good you think you can do for the girl you love, no matter how much you're willing to do for her, no matter how much you're willing to sacrifice, what matters most is how she feels. If she doesn't feel a thing for you, no matter what you do, nothing will happen. The heart will hurt so much, she will never know. Life will move on for her, she'll enjoy life with her new-found love, and if you don't move on and wallow in self-pity, it would only leave yourself stagnant in life. That's what's happening now, I'm being stagnant, not knowing where to go, letting other things in life fill my life up, not wanting to think in the direction of falling in love. In a way, I let my heart become stagnant, refusing to "feel" again. In fear that any feelings I tried to inject into my heart again would only make it even more pain. In hope that by not feeling, I will not feel the pain.

Well, there're bigger pains out there than my small little heart ache anyway. Seeing whatever that's happening to Japan, my heart's really breaking alot. Feeling very sad for everyone who were directly or indirectly affected by the Earthquake, Tsunami and radiation outbreak. Triple disaster I would say. Every day, watching news, reading articles about Japan, seeing the death toll increasing as the days go by. Really really, feeling very sad for them. At least its heartwarming to see what the Japanese are willing to do for each other. Really makes you think about what would happen if it actually happened in Singapore. My guess would be people running for their own lives, trampling over injured people. Maybe i'm thinking about the negative extreme part, but really, I just think that Singapore's not equipped mentally to deal with such situations. Not to say that we would be faced with disasters like Earthquake/Tsunami/Radiation, but we shouldn't take things for granted. No matter how much peace there is now, it is still maintained by those who are working hard to maintain it. So really, what would we do in the face of such disasters, I really wonder.

When you ask the world to fuck off

Everything's suddenly coming fast and furious. Deadlines approaching. SS project next mon, major project 1 due next next mon, SEP module mapping required, deferment for ICT due to VIP asap, lotsa stuff. As such, I find myself sitting infront of my pcb rushing with the wiring. Till I ran out of blue, that is. Could have carried on with white but decided to give it a rest, shall carry on tml. Pissed with almost everything cuz everything's too fast. And you just feel like shouting to the world "fuck off". Realised how little time I have between this sem and next sem to enjoy myself. Yes, no ICT, but VIP will eat up a whole 12 weeks. only have 3 weeks break after the last paper to seriously go out there and enjoy myself, and after that, is 12 weeks of working my ass off, though it might just be some admin job, but the fact that the HR person asked me about java script goes to show that I might probably needta pick up some java skills along the way. Argh. How to enjoy myself like that, I wonder? The need to earn more money more or less makes it sure that the VIP wouldn't be my only job during the summer hols. Maybe some tuition? Maybe some surveying jobs? -Shrug- Never thought that the 3 month sem break would be so busy. At least before the sem started, I was still thinking maybe for these 3 months sem break, I'm gonna have some time to enjoy life with the people I want to spend time with. But 2 months into the sem, all dreams, all hopes I had were crushed. Not to say that it matters anymore. Perhaps, deep down in, it still does, but nothing really matters now. Disappointed, Angst, every negative emotion that I could feel, within these 2 months I felt it all. Everything but happiness, euphoria, anything positive.

I find myself in an all-time low, and perhaps the only good thing about it is that I've gotten so used to it that it feels like a norm now. At least its not hurting, at least its numbing. If you think that whatever you're doing to me now is right for us, then so be it. I can't make you do what you do not want to do. But the fact that it hurts and you don't give a damn that its hurting me just goes to show where I stand in your heart. I'm the least on your priority list. "Don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option." I used to laugh at this and say, nah, its not true. But no more, its nothing but the truth. I made you a priority when you treated me only as an option, someone of the many people that you could turn to when you need help. But my naiveness never made it occur to me that I was just an option to you, and I treated your request as a priority. Only for whatever that's happening now happen.

Do you know how much it hurts? I can still smile to you, I can still laugh to you, but do you know how much it meant to me? I guess, I'm just another "dude" in your life. A passer-by, someone who will just walk by your life. I used to use an analogy to describe myself, I'm a tree, always there, and the people around me are just birds taking a rest on me, flying off when they need me no more. You make me feel this way again, you're just another bird.

Ask me

What I want. I never really asked for anything. I was satisfied to see you smile. All I wanted was to make you happy, that's why I was always there. I made sure I was there when you needed me. I never asked you to be there for me, I was just happy enough to see you smile. I'm serious. You're not. I really really just want everything to be back to normal, nothing more, nothing less, and just not whatever that's happening now.

Words

What they mean? Do people just use words as something to get what they want? And once they get it, they just forget about everything they've said before? Probably, at least that's what I'm experiencing now. I no longer know what's the truth and what's not. I no longer trust you. Every single word that comes out from your mouth, I just take it in and suspect everything u're saying. Everything, I no longer have faith in you anymore. Simply put, you meant everything, but u mean nothing now cuz to me, it simply comes across as you not treasuring whatever I was giving you, you, not appreciating whatever that I was doing for you. All those thank yous you've said before, was it just a thing you say when people do things for you, but you dun really mean it?

I have no idea. Was clearing up my cupboard, saw stuff that reminded me of things you've said before. But yeah, lies, and I realised how much you've lied to me before. Perhaps not to the extent of lying, maybe just you not meaning what you said. Things coming out from your mouth and I was the only one taking every word you said seriously. Just in case you never knew, you really mean a lot to me, but no, whatever you meant to me, perhaps, deep down inside me, my feelings will never change, but i'm just gonna bury all that. It will never mean anything to you again. If things are gonna stay this way, then so be it. I've already said all I could have said, I've already done all I could have done. The rest is up to you, whether you wanna salvage this, or just leave it dying like that.

I guess, I was just a fool for trusting you, when you were just using me as a tool.