Everything's suddenly coming fast and furious. Deadlines approaching. SS project next mon, major project 1 due next next mon, SEP module mapping required, deferment for ICT due to VIP asap, lotsa stuff. As such, I find myself sitting infront of my pcb rushing with the wiring. Till I ran out of blue, that is. Could have carried on with white but decided to give it a rest, shall carry on tml. Pissed with almost everything cuz everything's too fast. And you just feel like shouting to the world "fuck off". Realised how little time I have between this sem and next sem to enjoy myself. Yes, no ICT, but VIP will eat up a whole 12 weeks. only have 3 weeks break after the last paper to seriously go out there and enjoy myself, and after that, is 12 weeks of working my ass off, though it might just be some admin job, but the fact that the HR person asked me about java script goes to show that I might probably needta pick up some java skills along the way. Argh. How to enjoy myself like that, I wonder? The need to earn more money more or less makes it sure that the VIP wouldn't be my only job during the summer hols. Maybe some tuition? Maybe some surveying jobs? -Shrug- Never thought that the 3 month sem break would be so busy. At least before the sem started, I was still thinking maybe for these 3 months sem break, I'm gonna have some time to enjoy life with the people I want to spend time with. But 2 months into the sem, all dreams, all hopes I had were crushed. Not to say that it matters anymore. Perhaps, deep down in, it still does, but nothing really matters now. Disappointed, Angst, every negative emotion that I could feel, within these 2 months I felt it all. Everything but happiness, euphoria, anything positive.
I find myself in an all-time low, and perhaps the only good thing about it is that I've gotten so used to it that it feels like a norm now. At least its not hurting, at least its numbing. If you think that whatever you're doing to me now is right for us, then so be it. I can't make you do what you do not want to do. But the fact that it hurts and you don't give a damn that its hurting me just goes to show where I stand in your heart. I'm the least on your priority list. "Don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option." I used to laugh at this and say, nah, its not true. But no more, its nothing but the truth. I made you a priority when you treated me only as an option, someone of the many people that you could turn to when you need help. But my naiveness never made it occur to me that I was just an option to you, and I treated your request as a priority. Only for whatever that's happening now happen.
Do you know how much it hurts? I can still smile to you, I can still laugh to you, but do you know how much it meant to me? I guess, I'm just another "dude" in your life. A passer-by, someone who will just walk by your life. I used to use an analogy to describe myself, I'm a tree, always there, and the people around me are just birds taking a rest on me, flying off when they need me no more. You make me feel this way again, you're just another bird.
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