Dreams

Had a strangely long dream while napping just now. Pretty amazed by how I can remember this dream so clearly.

Dreamt that I was back in Europe again, Liverpool to be precise, cuz I recognized the buildings and stuff in my dream. It was a Saturday morning (automatically presumed that its saturday, cuz I was working), I was in my office, typing off on my desktop, multi-screens, apparently I'm a programmer, and by the looks of it, a boss. The view from the windows was simply amazing, Albert Docks. No idea which part of Liverpool I was in, but I clearly recognize the Albert Docks. Then I got off work, and drove down to Anfield to watch Liverpool play in the Merseyside derby. Think I'm a pretty big shot over there, was in one of the lounges together with a few other ang mohs, and a few friends visiting Liverpool from SG. Won the game 2-0.

Then after the match, I headed to this tae-kwondo dojo, where apparently I'm one of the instructors. I'm already black belt 3rd dan, and there were kids all around calling me sir. Feels pretty much the same as those TKD sessions in Singapore.

Then I headed home, no idea why I ran back, when I had a car. But I saw everything that I liked so much about Liverpool in my dream. My house was just an apartment, where there weren't any walls, but the size of the apartment is like that of the one I'm living in right now. Can clearly see the bed, the sofas, the tv once you enter the house. Was immediately welcomed by two cats when I entered the house, one white and one black. Then I fell asleep on the bed in my dream.

Pretty much what I remember. But really, it seemed like an accumulation of everything that I dream of in real-life. Or rather, want to be. I want to be back in Europe again. I want to live in Liverpool. I want to work as a programmer, or even, to be my own boss of a small game development firm. I want to watch Liverpool matches at Anfield. I want to get my TKD black belt. I want to have my own apartment. I want to like running again. I want to have a cat, two would be good.

Its amazing how the things you want change in your life. I still remember back in JC days, while my ex and I were still together, what we wanted for our future was pretty simple. We just wanted to sell ice-cream together, be it by using an ice cream truck or opening a shop. It was a simple dream, naive, if you want to say so. Then things changed alot after the break-up, for a while, I didn't know what I wanted, and even when I first entered Uni, I had no idea what I'm doing with my life. Then I started loving programming, found an internship where I honed my programming skills, and I continue to do so now. Suddenly, I had the dream of being a programmer. Then I found back my passion for TKD (though I'm kinda scared to return now), but I'll definitely join back by next sem. I thought I would be happy to stay in SG, to stay by my parents' side while continuing to pursue my dream of being a programmer. But after coming back from SEP, alot of things changed. How the lifestyle over there appeals to me so much. The much more relaxing way of living, as compared to the buzz of Singapore. Oh, and before I left for SEP, I wanted to be in a r/s so much, that now I think about it, it was kinda dumb. But now, I'm just happy to be by myself, happy to have friends around me, whom might not give the love that a r/s would provide, but still are able to make me happy.

I always thought I wouldn't change as a person, but I was clearly wrong. Change is the only thing that's constant after all. I'm just glad that I changed to become a happier person. The things that hurt me now are so much different form the things that hurt me in the past.

HURR

Amazed by my lack of discipline for the day. Wanted to finish up the flash app, but ended up making almost zero progress on it. Spent the whole day drawing the components on flash, but ended up realising that things would be much easier if I combined everything into one frame. Hurr, lack of foresight, plus being not familiar with actionscript has brought this unto me.

Owell, with that said. I need to run soon~ Everything is catching up. Be it the fats that I feel are beginning to build up around my tummy again, or those covering up the muscles I've built up over the summer.

One word: Discipline.

That's all I need now.

Got off!

Finally got off facebook. Not something I would expect myself to do a few months ago. But I guess, circumstances have forced me to do so. Probably cuz I needed more time to study, consider how I still carry on playing DOTA2 and the need to start training for Stand Chart, the only place where I can get back some time is probably facebook. Also, maybe cuz of what happened the past week. It suddenly feels weird that someone who has been there to support you just disappears liddat from your life. Okay, you're still there, but it just feels different. And I didn't need fb to be there to remind me of the happier times.

Owell, I guess that's it and that's that. With that said, blogging will be less too! Time to really hit the books, and get started on my FYP. (:

I need some "me" time

This whole past week has been hell of a week. On one end, I can't seem to figure out why a friendship that was going so well could change over just 3(?) days. On the other hand, this step-away from her for the past 2 days have made me realise how dependent on her I was, in terms of looking for someone to talk to. Perhaps cuz she was around for 3 out of 7 days a week, that's why it felt that its only perfectly normal to talk to her when I needed someone to talk to. Maybe it wasn't my fault at all, but its only me to feel this way. That no matter what, I'm somehow the one at fault. Maybe that's why I kept apologizing. But I guess it doesn't really matter right now. I've lost a friend that I thought would be there for me for life. I guess I was wrong.

No one can always be there for you for life. 但是天总会黑，人总要离别，谁也不能永远陪谁. 

I guess, no matter how close you feel you are to someone, there's always a need for some space in between, before one of the two breaks down, and stuff like these happen. Lesson learnt, but lost a good friend in the process. Its a pity things will never be the same again. I'll miss the random banters, the random conversations, the random cravings for korean food and everything that was fun. Thank you, and sorry. I know you may not read this, but Michelle Lim, I'm truly sorry.

Also, I realised how long I've been missing out on my "me" time. There has been rather little time for me to think for myself. It has been all about hanging out with friends, friends, friends and friends this whole while. So what do I want? I want to run. Run off the stress, run off whatever that hurts in life. But the thing that really hurts me, is the fact that I'm actually told not to run. I still wanna give it a push though. Try for this year's marathon, it may well be my last, but if I don't try, I'll never know how far my legs can bring me. Its sad that the things I love to do all involve the legs, and my legs are the most injured part of my body. Knee cartilage injury, hairline cracks on both shins, ankle that easily sprains. But I still want to kick on and run on. That's what I really want.

On a side note, the whole missing Europe thing is reaching such a bad point, that I'm actually feeling the need to get off facebook, get off 9gag, get off everything that is online, just so that I wouldn't miss Europe that bad. Ah, the good times. But, seriously. Stop thinking.

Recess week, time for some serious work to be done.

As I sit here

I suddenly feel lost. Just sitting here, at home. Wondering.

What went wrong? How did I screw up this friendship? What have I done? All the questions, with no answers. Was being honest the mistake? Should I have handled it in another way? At the end of the day, the mistake seemed to be I opened my heart to someone who didn't see the friendship like I did. For the past 8 months, the wall that I spent so much effort on building around myself, just cuz I opened that little door for someone to come in, and the wall just crumbled. Maybe I shouldn't let ppl stay inside this wall for too long? =/

I thought it was okay. I thought it was okay to let someone that I know I won't fall in love with come in. Afterall, there're so many of these friends inside this wall of mine. I would want to say 一颗老鼠屎，搞坏了整锅粥, but nah, I would rather not think that way. Maybe its just cuz she's not the kind of friend I thought she was? I still want to think that my initial view of her was correct, that despite her personality, she's still someone who's worth being a friend with. I still secretly hope that its just a "at the moment" kinda thingy, that after all the events of the past few days die down, everything would be back to normal again. I don't want to get that feeling that I 看错人, that someone I decided to put my trust in would turn out to be someone who dun value the friendship as much as I do.

Its a different kind of not wanting to let go. I always thought its just the relationships that involve love that are hard to let go. I thought that because of what I became after SEP, the "happy-to-be-single" person that I am now, I wouldn't have to face the problem of having to let someone go in my life. At the end of the day, the thing that made it hard for me to let go was never love, it was the trust that I put in a person. Now I know why I felt that sadness when I realised that my other friend won't be the same cuz he got tgt with his gf. Its that outlet of trust that you know you'll be losing once you let go. But sometimes, you have no choice.

I would rather people not come into my life, make me leave my comfort zone, make me place my trust in them, screw around with my trust, and just leave like that. If that's the case, I guess I shouldn't be placing my trust in anyone at all anymore.

I know I'll still be happy, this won't affect me that much in the long term, but I just feel damn messed up and emo tonight, cuz it feels as if I just lost a friend. ):

Never cried in a long while, but I just did, like how the sky is going to now.

I still hope we can be back to normal again.

So, its not just love that would make me emo, just that I never knew I could get so emo over friendship. Sucks to be emo, when I just want to smile, laugh and enjoy my last year in NUS.

Be strong, stay strong, cry tonight, and smile tomorrow. You're stronger than this. (:

On hind sight

I guess that was pretty harsh. Coupled with stress from stupid FYP, i once again said stuff without thinking. Owell, maaf!

RAWR

I just freaking hate it when I'm misunderstood. And I hate it even more when I try my best to explain myself (I'm bad at words, so things end up long-winded, but at least I tried), and u just go with simple one-worded replies. At the end of the day, its just because I chose to value a friendship more than the other party did. I guess I should have just stuck to my whole SEP mindset of not opening my heart to others, not even to close friends. Should have just stuck to that SEP mindset of making myself happy instead of trying to make everyone happy, its not even worth it. At the very least I wouldn't be feeling this shitty now. Oh, and wad sucks more? I thought shit only happens when you fall in love, i guess you didn't need to fall in love for shit to happen eh? kthxbye.