Hello World

There are just too many things I want to pursue in life right now. Only after graduating, do I realise there are so many things that I really wanted. That TKD blackbelt, that 10 marathon target, that continued love in percussion, more knowledge in computing (Masters & PhD), a job that can contribute to the gaming community (or even an own start-up).

Is it too late to start? No, I honestly don't think so. But "Hello World", everything needs to start from somewhere. I've already started on all the "Hello World"s for all that's mentioned above, now is just about keeping up to the commitment.

Perhaps that's why, at this point in time in my life, I would say, I have zero interest in love at all. Even if it comes knocking on my door, I might not even go for it. And that's why, I've not gone after that one girl whom I thought was so important. Yes, she is still important to me, but when I'm not as important to her as she is to me, perhaps, its time to let go, and its something that I should have done so long ago.

Hello World, everything needs to start form somewhere.

cuz it takes 2 hands to clap

A few months back, a part of me was telling me that perhaps its time for closure, while a part of me held back.

But right now, as August is coming to an end, I guess its the time to put a closure on this. I've already tried my best, but this is a situation which takes two hands to clap. I tried to be there, but what for, when I'm just not as significant to her as she is to me?

Broken promises, or rather, things that are forgotten, I don't see the point anymore. The things I wish for, ultimately don't result in happiness for me, as things are right now.

I only wished for your best, but never for mine. It's time I think for myself I guess. So it's time to let go.

well

well, what I should have done? I should have told her how I felt instead of hiding away my true feelings and saying I never and will never like her. I mean, what was wrong with me? Why can't I just be true to myself, and be true to her? Why can't I just tell her how much she means to me? Why do I keep making her angry at me? Why can't I just show her how much I truly care instead of coming up with crap to hide the fact that I really really truly care about her. Why can't I just tell her I love her. :/

Man, I'm just.. sigh

How do you say what's in your heart?

I have no idea. I pretty much lost touch with communicating my thoughts across to people whom I care about.

And you're one of them. I even went as far as saying I have things to tell you, but I just seem to choke on my words when its time to say them.

Guess the grad trip would give me some time to think about all these stuff, whether this is really what I want for us, or is it okay just to remain as friends. I'll have one month to think about that, at least.

So yeah, till then, I won't say anything to you, probably. And let my mind sort out whether you're as important to me as my heart feels.

all the same

People are all the same right?

Acting all nice to you when they have something to ask of you. Going "hey bro" when they need that dota 2 invite. Talking nicely to you when they need your help.

I can't say I'm not guilty of such acts, but I don't do it so often cuz most of the time I'm the one helping people. And I hardly ask people for help, and even if I do, its cuz I'm already rather close to that person.

It kinda gets irritating, when you see people approach you, knowing that they want something out of you, and when they get it, they'll just leave you alone. I've seen that coming from you so many times, and I expect nothing more from you already. I know you'll just take it and leave me, I just know it, but I still give in to you. I'm not the one who needs to stop, you're the one. You're the one who needs to stop treating me like shit.

You're just being ridiculous here. =/

9 years 2 months

The fact that I remember that its been 9 years 2 months since we met shows how significant you've been in my life. No matter how short the time we spent together was, you still made a difference.

Honestly, for the 2 hours that we sat down there today, all I could think of was, "Wow, its been 9 years since we sat like that and actually talked to each other"

9 years, we've changed so much. But one thing never change, and that was me sitting there and thinking, "god, u're beautiful", and I don't even know why I find myself going into this state of mind whenever I see you, be it 9 years ago, or now.

For a while, it seemed like so much has happened, but sometimes, it just seemed like nothing's changed at all over the years, you telling me to eat up ur pizza cuz u can't finish it alone. Saying good bye to each other reminding me of that night outside CO room where we kept saying "byes" to each other cuz we both felt so happy just seeing each other that we didn't want to leave.

Many a times, I've asked myself, if I could go back in time, would there be anything I would change? And my answer was always the same, nothing. The fact that I met you, the fact that we got together, the fact that we broke up, all these made me the person I am today. And these are the things I would keep in my life cuz they were the things that shaped me. Of cuz, it would, or might, have been better if that last part of breaking up never happened, but still, it changed our lives. O well, at least it changed me.

Still, after 9 years, I just want to say, thank you, and I still love you, as someone who has made a difference in my life. The word love is easily thrown around, and it might seem that I still want to be together with her, but this love, its not about wanting to be together with her. Its about loving someone who has made a difference. Loving someone who has had an impact on your life. And she's probably someone I would never forget in the whole of my life.

Thank you, soohuey. (:

I only hope that people do not misunderstand this as some kind of romantic love.

wth

Seriously, what the hell. If showing concern is so much as an annoyance to you then maybe I shouldn't care anymore. To think I actually wouldn't mind helping you print if need be, but come to think of it, this help that I wanted to render would probably have been an annoyance to you anyway.

You have no idea how much I've been through, so stop saying things like these that make it seem as if it won't have any effect on me. Like wth. I've put it down so many times, my care for you, I've thrown it away, and put it back in my heart whenever you came back asking me for help. Seriously, when would this end? Its hurting me everytime you decide that this concern is an annoyance.

Really, you say I don't understand you, but how much do you understand about me?

Do you even know how much I've been suffering cuz of my inability to carry on my dreams, (getting back to running long dist, getting back to tkd). It already hurts me so much that I'm not able to do such things, and you're just adding on the list of things that hurt me.

This insomnia, it will never cure itself. This screwed up body clock, would eventually just end up screwing up my life. A life that's already pretty much screwed up, regardless of whether you were in it at all. My dreams were probably already ended the day I fell into that drain and broke my legs for life. =/

I was just a simple guy with a dream of running marathons, with a dream of getting good at TKD. Dreams, can be easily taken away, or perhaps, I shouldn't have dreamt at all.

I remember a few years back, I already told myself, that to dream is futile. What matters are goals. I don't even know how dreams crept back into my life, but it did.

But now, I'm just a man with no dreams, no ambitions. I'm weak in that sense, that I have no purpose in life.

四手联弹

Thinking of a melody for the midi project for SOM. Ended up looking through the songs I've written in the past, and chanced upon this gem. First of all, the melody for this was one of the better ones I had. And I thought the lyrics were really great.

Written in 2010, I was probably in year 1 sem 1. I can't even remember what happened back them already. All the memories are so vague right now. People coming and people going, sometimes, you just want to forget all these and start anew, leaving behind all those who have gone, and letting only those who care stay with you.

Its just that hard to let go? After all those times spent together, after caring so much for somebody, you just have to let go. Simply because the other party does not care anymore. No matter what you do, things won't go back to the way they were. Deep down inside, I know it, that this is it, I have to let go. But somehow, the slightly hopeful me still wishes for a miracle to happen, that somehow, I would be forgiven, and things would go back to normal. I know my mistakes, I know what I've done wrong, but knowing all these now are a bit too late, I guess? 

I wanted to talk about it, but there's just so many things catching up with me right now. FYP, insomnia, midi project, game project, final lab for openGL. Just so many things, so much stress, and the only way I'm letting all these stress out is by playing late into the night, slping for 4 hours, and get back up to start doing work again. Probably would have been better if there was someone there to talk to? Is it that hard to have someone to care for me?

Under all this facade of smiles that I put up in front of people everyday, is just one single fragile soul. I tend to act tough, but really, all I need is to have someone to talk to?

Sigh, what's worse is the fact that the only thing that kept me going throughout the sem was someone to talk to through the late night working. Now that she's gone, owell.. 

Yuan Ing, its really time to let go.

Whatever that made me write this line 3 years ago, its probably the same feeling as right now. "没有你陪在我身边四手联弹不再完美, 我只能一个人守着诺言"

And I saw this tweet, haha, couldn't be truer. "Me: I'm happy right now. Life: lol one sec"

Life just has its ways of making you live the unexpected. To think that 2 weeks ago, we were still chatting happily, and now its just Q&A sessions between us. sighh

And here's the song, directly copied from my song blog, tgt with the notes. =/

钢琴

望着那陈旧的钢琴
它的轮廓不禁让人觉得孤单
它曾经带给我们许多回忆
也随着音乐的声音而离去

放在钢琴上面的琴谱
五线谱上跳着一颗颗的豆芽
诉说着过去曾有过的甜蜜
却随着时间的流逝而淡去

钢琴上的黑键 就像是你我的爱
说少不少其实也并不算多
钢琴上的白键 就像是你的诺言
参差这的黑键 都是你的谎言

我想我已懂得 爱情不是一个人
就能够弹奏出的幸福旋律
没有你陪在我身边
四手联弹不再完美
我只能一个人守着诺言

我想我已懂得 孤单只是我一人
我的世界只剩下一种快乐
那是你给我的温柔
我会永远放在心中
我答应你我会永远守候
我给你的承诺

Notes: 你又不敢对她说出你的爱，那你又为何而流泪? 我只能一个人守着诺言.

I've been a jerk

And yes, I really think I've been one.

I let my stress took over me. I forgot what was important. I forgot the fact that at the start of all these, all I wanted was to make her happy. But cuz of stress, I ended up wanting her to listen to my troubles and stuff. Yes, I've been a jerk.

All these that I'm saying probably won't make a difference anymore, somehow, it just feels that this relationship has reached a point of no return. There's no going back, no matter how bad I want it, I know that somehow it has come to an end. There's probably no forgiving me for the things I've done.

But I just want to say sorry, for the last time, I'm truly apologetic.

4 years on

4 years on in my uni life.. Perhaps its time to spend this night and reflect upon it? After all, I doubt I would be able to sleep tonight. :/ (once again, and ppl still ask me why I'm always so tired.. and always falling sick)

nvm..let's do it another day, I don't even have the mood to type. :/

Letting go, its probably the hardest thing to do

Why do I even hold on to it? Something that I know won't exist as long as I want hope it would last. Its just like what I told myself at the end of last sem.. Why do I still cling on to this?

"its stupid, how I'm not willing to take that extra step, to be happier than I already am, cuz I'm not willing to risk whatever that I have right now, whatever that's diminishing. Since its going to go away anyway, why am I still not willing to risk it all and go for it? It sucks to fall in love with a friend, I just hope this would be the last. =/"

Well, one thing I know for sure its how it's diminished. But why do I still care? No matter how much I tell my friends, that "well, I don't really care" OR "what she does doesn't really affect me that much". At the end of the day, my actions say otherwise. There's always the part of me that cares.

Need to carry a heavy textbook? Well, why not, I organise a last minute mahjong so that I can be in that area the next morning to pick her up? -checked-

Throat not feeling well? Well, why not, I get down a few stops earlier to buy that liang teh and walk to sch after that..And stay at career fair far longer than I had expected to (even after already visiting almost all the booths), just to pass it to her? -checked-

There's so many things I've done. Of course its deliberate. But its just the way I care.

But we all knew this would happen, didn't we? It was written for the future already.

That once everything was done and dusted, the problems that were always there would always surface in the end.

No matter how much I tell myself that it doesn't matter if the feelings are mutual, I'll still care for u, at the end of the day, the fact that its not mutual would only turn back and hurt me that much.

It has come down to that once again, the more I care, the more I feel hurt. But the less I care, the fact that I've cared so much before would just turn back and hurt me.

I was so close to letting go last sem, but you came back and made me care for you. Now that you don't need me anymore, you're just attempting to break that care I have for you. I should have just let go, at least it wouldn't hurt me this much now.

I dun even know if you're reading this. If you are, I guess its even better, that you know how I feel. If not, I just hope this pain will slowly find a way out of my heart, together with all that care I have for u. Its alot, but time will eventually bring all these away.. :/

so...

This is what happens eh?

Firstly, I was asked not to talk like everyday..k, checked. That's what I did.

Then you decided that you needed help, so you happily came talking to me, cuz you know, and I know, that given the kind of person I was, I would gladly oblige. So, we started talking like everyday..

Now everything's over, no more help needed, and you just tell me not to talk to you everyday. Well done. Good job. There when you need, toss aside when you don't feel like it.

Its alright. Cuz you know what? I'll still be here if you need me, but it probably won't be the same again anymore.

I'm sick of feeling sad for these kinda things already. Making my eyes sore cuz of holding back tears. Making me stay up and just stone away cuz it saps away all kinds of motivation or mood for me to work on my FYP.

All I want is just for someone to be there for me to talk to, for me to de-stress while I chiong the last lap of my FYP. Pretty much similar to what I did for you when you needed me. But now we turn things around, I find myself sitting here alone, staring at the word document titled "Final Thesis". With the facebook tab on, knowing fully well that the fb msging sounds won't keep coming like they did previously. Cuz I was there for you, but you're not here for me. =/

I know I always say I don't expect anything in return for the help I offer to people. And yes, a thank you would suffice. But this, I guess its a bit too much for me to handle.. When my friends told me that it feels like you're using me, I told them "no, u dun uds her well enough." ..But after what you said about me not understanding you? Maybe..ya..even after all the things we've been through, I still can't say I fully understand you, and perhaps all I ever knew was what was going on with your FYP.

But I still want to believe that what I thought of you in the first place was right, and my friends are wrong... But ur actions are just... I don't even know why that after being sad cuz of u, I still choose to believe and trust in you.. =/

hmmm

Seriously, i'm just so tired from all this. Not slping for the whole night..Not having any motivation when it comes to FYP.

Why does it have to happen this way? Its like, everything that's happened so far, just ended with a snap. Just cuz I said something wrong. Just cuz I couldn't control my emotions..

I'm really very tired already.

And the only thing that's keeping me alive? Cuz I don't wanna see my parents cry that's all. :/

No mood.

我一直以为只要真心对待每一个人，只要为别人着想，那么别人就会看见你的好。

但这些年，看到朋友们离离散散，原来，错不在于这些朋友。或许，这些年来，我
都不曾试着了解任何人。当我认为我已经做到最好时，却因为一时的气话，或不够
了解而伤害了对我很重要的人。

今晚，我又犯下了这个错误。本来已经认为自己了解了对方的苦衷，却因为愤怒蒙
蔽了脑袋，让我一时说出了心里的气话。把对我来说很重要的她气得一句话也不肯
回我。

她对我的重要性就不在话下了。我不想失去任何朋友了，更何况是她。睡不着也多
半是因为这个缘故。一想到有可能会失去她，就让我心里忐忑不安。从昨天的有说
有笑，变成很可能是明天的不言不语。。我只能说，我不想这样。

hmmm

Seriously..No mood..

Useless project meetings, especially when I'm not really into the idea of the game cuz of how complicated its gonna be. :/ But what to do when the majority is ok with the idea? And when the team is made up of 3 former leaders, but the supposed leader doesn't display the necessary leadership qualities, so the rest of the team tend to take over the responsibility of getting ideas out and deciding how things flow. Of which, I'm guilty for..

And.. It just feels damn sian when u get the feeling of being pang seh. Of cuz, nothing was agreed on in the first place, but it just feels like, "hey, I asked you first, but you decided to go with some other group". And I don't really like to force people and stuff, so yea. Suan le lo. And its just like how I've been told many times, if you put a particular group of friends as your priority, but they don't see u as impt, then its time u re-evaluate these so-called "friendships".

At the end of the day, its not about what you're willing to do for others, or what you have done for others already. Its about where people place you in their own level of importance of friendship. And as I see it now,  my importance is there only cuz I'm willing to help. And when it comes to other things, I'm just not as impt. Cuz it gets harder to convince myself that you're not just "using" me, when friends are telling me otherwise. :/

Then I question myself again, who am I to you?

Just..damn sian right now...

Burying my thoughts in the work load... But somehow, certain thoughts still filter through. :/

Life sucks, move on, win over life.

more sighs

Sigh, I thought I would get into a really good mood today, before the hell starts for coding. Who knew, nothing seemed to go right today.

Woke up feeling really bad alr, not enough slp, plus a slight headache.

After that went to the concert with mich, well, cuz she was late, then we had to walk pretty fast to the arts house, which didn't help much for my throbbing head. Reached there feeling damn hot, and I wouldn't say the ventilation in the concert hall was that good. Felt damn uneasy throughout the concert. :/

After which, walked all the way back to mrt, with the headache still going on. I tried to talk more cuz I never liked awkwardness, but yeah, cuz of the headache and too many things at the back of my head, I really couldn't concentrate anw.

Reached bishan, realised I was pang-sehed. Well fuck. I've had enough of this pang seh shit anyway. =.=

So I headed back home, but then I realised, since the supposed "chillax" sat didn't turn out as well as I expected it to be, I might as well pop some panadols, and go for a coding session. So off I went, coding, coding, coding..

Then now I'm back home at 4am. :/ I dunno man, I really feel damn stressed. Doesn't help with the fact that there's no one to turn to to talk about all these stress. Like I've previously mentioned, it doesn't help that no one's there to help me.

All these shit just came together and made me really depressed and stuff. And what do I do when I get depressed? I blog, I eat cup noodles...I grow fat.

I really want all these FYP stuff to be over, and then I can settle all the personal stuff, including getting back to TKD, getting back on my running, and many more other things.

Right now, work > time. =/

Sigh

有你真好

Popped up on the radio while driving back from a night of coding. Sigh

And then I just sat in my car waiting for the song to finish before getting off, at the same time, thinking, of how lonely it is to be the only one coding for my FYP. :/

I mean, for the razer project, there's kenneth to code tgt with.

For the gaming projects, there's always groupmates around to code tgt with, plus how this group really suits my coding style, cuz of the similar way of thinking through coding and stuff.

But for FYP, I'm all alone I guess. There's no one to turn to when I need help. The profs have no idea how to code an android app. I don't have a mentor. The ST Microelectronics people have no idea how to connect their device with an Android App (which is why I detest going to ST to work, but I guess, if I have no choice, then that would be where I end up). What's worse, my so-called groupmate doesn't seem to be doing anything, yet she's asking me for codes and stuff. I mean, hey, why ask me for my codes, when you're not gonna do anything about it? I asked her to help me figure out the connection problem, and guess what's the reply? "I have no knowledge on coding for Android, nor java."

Man, I mean. Don't come to me with that bullshit. This is a freaking FYP. At least put in some effort? I had close to zero knowledge before coming up with the App and stuff. Don't come up with bullshit like having no knowledge.

There's ppl like Mich who started off on her FYP with zero knowledge, and picked up all the necessary skills along the way. I don't see why this bitch can't even put in a freaking bit of effort to get some work done. 

Sigh, at least Mich wasn't alone when she was coding? Had her mentor to ask. Had me around to help out. :/

And for me? I'm just alone in this vast ocean of codes, trying to find that single line of code that can help me out in my App.

Sometimes, I feel like just breaking down. In fact, I think I'm close to that right now. I need to talk to someone, but with everyone so busy, the only way to let this emotion out is to just blog it out for now. Sigh.

How I wish there was someone here, where I could just tell that person, "有你真好"

How I Met Your Mother

Heh, weird dreams are definitely weird.

I dreamt of this dream where I was telling my kids (woah, I doubt I'll get married considering my forever-alone-nature, but whatever, its just a dream) how I met their mother.

The dream's starting's still kinda fresh in my memory though I seemed to have forgotten most of the later parts.

The dream started off with me walking around the house, looking at photos of myself, apparently I was a successful businessman & I've gotten my tkd blackbelt (woots! time to go back to tkd). Then my kids came back, 2 kids. I still remember their names, cuz I was quite surprised that they're called that, Michael and Maxene.

:/

Then I made them sat down, and told them the story of HIMYM. Starting from my first love like Ted did. =.= Then blah blah, and blah blah. What really inked on my memory was me telling them, "On the May of 20xx, I met your mother. It was love at first sight, but I didn't tell anyone, I pretended that I liked someone else, so that people wouldn't know how I truly felt. Maybe its cuz of how much I was hurt previously, so I didn't dare to reveal my true feelings..."

And blah blah..

That was pretty much everything I could remember. but owell...

Sigh

"你不认为我这样子一直在利用你很自私吗?"

 只要你开心就好。

I ask myself

Sometimes I ask myself. What's the point of all these?

What am I to you? Just someone you talk to when you need help?

Its the kind of helplessness you feel when the person's more impt to you than you are to her.

Maybe I shld just follow the standard advice, don't treat someone as a priority when you don't mean anything to that person at all.

Seriously, too many times, in the past one year, that I've put her in the priority, but to her, it just feels to me that I'm not that impt at all. It sucks to feel this way.

And its CNY again. Why is it that during this Feb period, somehow or rather, there'll be things that happen that deprive me of the festive mood. Last year, it was that unnecessary message on CNY eve, and this time round, its just the kind of shit feeling.

What am I to you?

The balance of care

Slowly but surely, I'm learning how to handle this balance of caring for someone.

When caring makes it hurt so much cuz of how unappreciated you feel, you just have to let it go a bit. And its hurts less to care, go on, and do what you need to do.

Its like kiting, something that I find it so hard to learn, be it in real life kiting, or DotA2 kiting, or relationships. You'll just have to find a right balance, so that you won't let go. Let lose, but don't let go. Keep your hands on the reins, but never control. Okay, kiting is a bad example. But yeah. I've still got much to learn.

At least it doesn't hurt that much now when I feel unappreciated. I'm kinda getting used to the fact that I'm only being approached when help is needed, only being talked to when I'm needed to do something. It makes me feel fucked up all over. Like, I'm being screwed just cuz I decided to be nice no matter what. Well, a life of being made use of, I guess its my own fault I'm too used to it. And I never know when to pull myself out of these kind of things till I get really really hurt by the people that I care about.

Once again, I've found myself falling back into the same hole I climbed out from after end of last sem.

The shit i put myself into

This sem, its gonna be one hell of a sem for me, at least programming-wise. 4 languages with a potential 5th coming up, I just wonder how I'm gonna cope with it. Being behind schedule for my FYP sure hurts alot cuz I have to put in alot more effort now, but well, its not really my fault that this team-mate of mine hogs the bloody device that's so essential to my coding. =/ This is what happens when only one person in the team knows how to code, its almost like I'm doing the job of two people, I might as well have taken up this FYP on my own. Sometimes, I just regret signing up for this competition. I mean, I knew I had to work with someone else for my FYP, but this, well, this is pure shit.

At the very least, helping Mich with her coding for the past few weeks has got me slightly accustomed to C++ coding, and even managed to read up some stuff for openGL. That's probably why I've been so helpful when it comes to helping her out with the coding? =/ But anyways, hopefully this brushing up on C++ knowledge would help a lot in my razer competition.

Then there's the actionscript 3.0 to worry about. I did use this language in the last sem, but I would say I only used like 1% of what actionscript 3.0 has to offer. And I'm far from being proficient. Considering how I normally take only 2 weeks to be proficient at a language, I hope the clash of programming languages in my brain wouldn't affect the speed at which I learn actionscript.

This sem, its either gonna kill me, or bring the best out of me. And I certainly hope its the latter. Be it studies wise or personal life wise, I hope everything would go well.

Oh, since I'm talking about personal life, I might as well talk about my Vietnam trip.

Did I enjoy it? Sadly, I didn't really enjoy it. Maybe its the de-sensitizing from my travels in Europe, that I don't find the things I see in Hanoi or Ha Long Bay that fascinating. I can't even get excited from looking at cheap winter wear along the streets, since I've already bought my fair share of beanies and gloves from Europe. Well, the junk ride, bah, it didn't even feel half as shiok as the cruise ride in Russia. Probably cuz of how the whole of Ha Long Bay was so foggy that I couldn't even see the stars at night. Unlike on the cruise, where I could see the North Star and the other stars plus Venus so clearly in the night sky. The company or rather, lack of alcohol probably made a difference. On the cruise in Russia, I would say the company was much more fun, with alcohol and all, the HTHT got really fun and interesting. But on the junk, with the bartender disappearing after happy hour (which literally only lasted an hour), there was no more alcohol, and the HTHT topics were well, rather boring tbh.

At the end of the day, like I've mentioned before, for travelling, the company really matters. Maybe its cuz I haven't hanged out with this group of friends for quite some time already, so the frequency was not there in the first place, but is that really an excuse? I mean, I didn't even know Rachel before we went to Italy together, yet Vespa had so much fun in Italy. I didn't even know mich, weiting, jon, ruyi before the Russia trip, but we could still have those crazy moments in Russia. So, I don't really know what was wrong with the company in Vietnam, or maybe I just didn't have the same kind of excitement I had while I was in Europe.

All of a sudden, I'm thinking that, perhaps, for grad trip, i might very well be better off travelling alone. But we shall see. =/

new year

The only thing I see that's great about this new year is how the last two digits are 13, which happens to be my favourite number. Well, usually the start of the year post would be full of resolutions and shit, but I guess I pretty much decided what I needed to do for the year anyway, so let's move on with that first. Well, obviously, to graduate is on the books, and to get a job too. That razer job is definitely one of the jobs i'm really interested in. Whereas the MDA US internship thingy seems to be off cuz of how the program seem to be off the uni plans now. Other than that, my life, well, I hate to say this, but its kinda boring. But well, as long as I can get that job, I guess the rest doesn't matter at all.

Afterall, I'm kinda just over with all the love and shit that has happened in the 4 years of uni life. Doesn't seem that much important to me anymore. Over the 4 years, I've realised how realistic this world is. People would only talk to you when they need your help. They act all nice when they need you, but once they're done with you, they throw you aside like you never really mattered to them. I don't really blame these people, I know its not their fault. At the end of the day, I treat people the same way, every man for himself. If there's one person I would blame, it would be myself, for being so eager when it comes to helping people. Just a simple "please" or something like that would be able to get me started on helping people, to the extent that I would say I'm not sleeping when I'm already ready to get off my com and go to bed. And just a simple thank you after that would make it seem worth it to me. So yeah, I'm that easy for people to take advantage of. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying. And I don't think this part of me is something I can change easily, I'll just continue helping people, even though I know that once they don't need me anymore, they'll just kick me aside. But, what can I do? Do i sit in one corner and cry as I watch these people leave my life? NO. I'll just continue to be myself, and if people choose to leave me, then so be it. I would rather people remember me for being the helpful one, than the one who didn't want to help, that is, if they remember me at all.

Then there's always the question of, if I die today, who will remember me tomorrow, who will remember me in 1 week/1month/1year/10years/so on and so forth. Did I live a life where people would remember me? If they do, then how would they remember me as? But then again, if I'm dead, would that really matter?

Man, what's in me tonight. I should get to sleep soon. But no, I'm helping someone =/