Restart

Pressing that restart button on my life, i chose this path.

Have been thinking about alot of stuff lately, but when everything seems so clear, it doesn't matter wad i do anymore.

After almost half a year of hiatus from the public blog, decided to do it all over again. Not for the fact that I want people to read, just that, it provides people who want to know with a better understanding of what exactly i'm going through.


These were just some of my thoughts last night, or rather this morning.

Dear Lord, 3 times are just a bit too much, ain't it? Perhaps I should have known, perhaps You have already shown it to me, all the hings and all the clues, all that You've been telling me not to venture into. But what is this? After all these, You just leave me talking to myself, my blog, my handphone, my lucky pikacu, and You. So what exactly is it that You want from me? My simple wish for someone to just hear me out, is it that hard for my wish to be granted? Everytime i find myself with someone to talk to, You have to take that person away from me in the most cruel of methods. Making me rely and trust so much, and sometimes, even to the extent of falling in love, only to tell me in the end that You have other plans for her already and the man is not me. So what am I to learn from all these? Never to fall in love? Indeed, I'm already too tired from all these that I find it hard to fall in love again. Like I've told my friend, it is just simply too complicated for me to like someone ever again, let alone to fall in love with anyone. Its just too painful. 3 heartbreaks in 1 year in bizarrely similar fashions. So what do You expect from someone whose heart You have decided to break into so many million little pieces? Am I supposed to continue with these heartbreaking moments or perhaps its better for me to channel such feelings to other placew shwere my heart will find a place of peace, a place to heal. I'm just, too tired to move on anymore. All I ever asked was for something to heal my heart, a heart that has been in pain since 14th Feb 2004.

Still amazed by hwo things can change over one single year. After one year in school and exposing myself to more people, be it from in school or outside of school, I find myself back at where I've started off, or probably even worse. Yes, a bit more friends and that's all for the positive side. Emotionally, I find myself less stable than I used to be, breaking down whenever no one's looking. All these, prbably due to my decision to open my heart to people, thinking that perhaps mature people would be less prone to hurting people (which was obviously wrong). This is why I hardly get myself involved in htht anymore. Its just too painful to dig out stuff from my heart myself, or by others. That's why I find it hard myself to even say anything when it comes to having htht. Yes, I still come up with the truth, but it just takes that little more time and effort, and courage to bring out whatever that is. "I like this girl, that girl" but what heppens when that someone who really matters is someone who you can't say infront of people there, for fear of this and that, for the fact that you know its no longer possible. Its a matter of what you think is important. Right now, the only thing I can think about is protecting myself. From things that might hurt me. Myself, its more important than thinking about others. If you ask me for a mistake I think I've committed in the past one year, it was probably placing others before myself on too many occasions. So many that I feel sick thinking about it, so many that I go "Why did I do all these in the first place?" Perhaps, if i put you as less of a priority I could have had so much more time to myself, so much less hurt. So tell me why? Why have I done so many things for you? And why, have you not noticed that all these were for but 2 simple spanish words, te quiero.

Looking at congren and jiaming slping this morning, all I could think of was how people can sleep so soundly, as if there are no worries. Perhaps, I just occupy myself with too much worries that I've alr lost the ability to slp peacefully. Perhaps, perhaps.