Then xiao long bao. Ok la, the food was great, the company was good. But in truth, I kinda got bored when they started talking about ese ppl and stuff, feels so...out of place. =/
As to why I feel like crying, perhaps it was a realisation I came upon after the day's events. Or rather, my thought process throughout the day, with all the travelling, talking to different ppl, experiencing different commuters' reactions on MRT, and a mixture of some books I read.
Well, where shall I start?
Hmmm, perhaps, I should start on what happened on the MRT in the afternoon, when we were making our way down to funan from science park, thanks to the sci park outlet being one for scanner repairs. =/ Seriously, I don't see the point in rushing for the exit when the train hasn't even stopped yet. And that's the problems with humans, we tend to hurry ourselves up, but why can't we just slow our pace down and appreciate the things around us? We like to hurry, and to complain that why things must be so fast, but have we ever thought that, the things that are fast aren't the things we complain about but it is just us, driven by our greed. Driven by our desire for something better. Sometimes, its just better to slow down, learn to appreciate every bit and parcel of our life, and perhaps, this world will be a better world. -without ppl squeezing their way to get out of a train when almost half of the ppl are getting out-
Moving on, its great once in awhile to go to places where you have not been to for a long long time with different ppl. It gives you a different feeling altogether and a different perspective of a place that used to leave me with memories, albeit some are painful ones to remember. Can't remember when was the last time I went to funan, though I could vividly remember who I went with the last time. It left me with bad memories of the place, and perhaps why I never stepped foot in that place for like, almost half a year? or perhaps more. Today it felt a bit different. Maybe because of a change of mood caused by the Liverpool loss, which led me to this particular thought in the morning: "No matter how sad I feel about the loss, I shall not let my emo-ness be felt by whoever I'm going out with. I need to lighten up my mood, no matter what, and a change of pace from the usual pace I've been moving at." Feels good to be talking about other stuff that won't make me emo over Liverpool. And it feels good to talk to ppl, something which I enjoy, something which I will touch on later on, regarding communication. But yeah, at least I think I didn't allow my emo-ness to be felt by chong this morning, although I was pretty much tired. Though I'm sorry to my brudders and huiru for being so "not-myself" at dinner, where I didn't really talk much, and perhaps, felt abit out of place when they were talking about ese stuff, where I tried to pretend that I understand, and perhaps a bit interested, when in actual fact, I was pretty much tired out to be interested in anything. Sorry for pretending, I was simply, too tired after being out the whole day.
Ok, let's not talk about that. Well then, on the way back home, huiru was saying how similar the time required to travel from cityhall to clementi/tampines is. Then I realised, how I'm gonna have to travel 40 mins to get to tanah merah tml, =/ Not that I don't like travelling, in fact, I enjoy this time when I can just plug in to my earphones, play my "air-drums", and think about stuff that I wouldn't think of otherwise. Perhaps, I'm a person who likes to think. Also, observing people around me makes me understand myself more through the way I respond to things happening around me. For example today, I realised how vulnerable I am to the word "sorry". There was this parent with his 2 daughters on the train. Well, it was the peak hour train, so it was the no-seats kind of train, and I was leaning against the walls of the train. Then his daughters started playing and he was playing with them as well. Not that I dislike kids playing on the train, normally I would have no qualms about it. But well, the younger one kept fidgeting and banging into me, so naturally, I was quite pissed off. But when the parent said, "sorry", I just smiled back and said, "its alright". As if that's my favourite phrase, "its alright". It might seem like a nice kind of reaction to other ppl, but to me, it just showed how vulnerable I am to such words. How I fail to be angry when I should be. Like how I was pretty upset with someone when that person didn't turn up for an event a few weeks back, cuz of certain commitments, but when she said "sorry", I just said "its alright". I mean, well, yeah, I couldn't fault her for that, but I don't know, its like, back then, it really mattered alot to me, not that it matters now (which perhaps, I will touch on later). Then, I was also reminded of how I should have been angry with xiumin/soohuey for what they did to me in the past, but when they said "sorry", all the angst, all gone, and all was left was forgiveness. Should I really be such a person? I mean, ppl say i'm nice at all, but is being nice really the way to go? Maybe I'm being too nice for my own good? Being nice, at the expense of my own well-being, maybe I shouldn't be like that? Maybe I should have been a bastard and not turn up for things cuz I'm just simply, too tired?
Hmmm, this is really turning out to be a long blog post, perhaps just too many things going on in my mind at the moment. Just a recap on the things I wanted to say:
-Communication
-Someone that mattered
Hmmm, actually these 2 are closely related, so perhaps I can cover in one long paragraph? hahaha.
Carrying on, communication. I feel that really, in a relationship, be it between friends or someone you want to be with, its all about communication. In order for a friendship to be great, I just feel that communication is of utmost importance. Never running out of topics in one thing. Another thing is the way someone makes you feel when you're talking to him/her. There are only a handful of people I enjoy talking to, cuz topics never seem to run out, and we can continue talking for ages, without me thinking of what to say. Then there are those, who I can just stand there and think of what to say and end up saying nothing. Am I a boring person? Or perhaps both parties are the same type of people, boring in nature? Then how do you explain why I can talk to some people non-stop? This in turn led me into thinking, so, do I really like her? This is also how tessa led me into thinking seriously about my feelings, about where my heart truly lies. It is hard to get into a relationship when you can't even communicate. It is hard when the feelings are one-sided. If communication is present, at least the feelings can get across. But when there is no such bridge known as communication, the feelings will never get to her. Its like trying to jump over a wall, when you know its impossible. And slowly, these feelings will disappear. If the feelings were mutual though, it would be a different story, cuz communication will definitely come naturally as time wears on. Perhaps, its also the realization that all I was trying to do was to bury my feelings for someone else which in fact surfaced recently, which I can't explain why. Suddenly, it became clear to me what I want, and that, what I wanted previously was to get away. It was then that I realised, there was probably no feelings at all in the first place towards this someone. @#$%, this is getting confusing for me when I try not to mention names. But whatever, I think that's enough regarding communication and someone that mattered. Simply put, someone that mattered doesn't matter anymore (probably becuz of me realising that I don't matter to her at all too), while someone that truly matters has always been there, and I went one big round just to arrive at this conclusion.
You, truly matter to me, and I hope one day, I can say these words to you:"You really mean alot to me. You make me happy, you make me smile, and I just want to do anything I can to keep your smile. I can't promise you wealth, but I can promise you happiness and a heart of gold that will never melt. Simply put, I love you."
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