Used to

I used to write alot, alot about my past, alot about the present, alot about what i want in the future. Remembering those ns days, when the little notebook was there, where i just wrote how i felt, what i felt, who i feel for in that little notebook. Its gone now, no thanks to the many drills we did in 39 sce where the stuff in my lbv just end up getting wet. How I used to write all the loves, all the hates, all the wants, all about you, who was once so important to me. How insignificant we are to each other now, I really can't believe it anymore. Tonight, I just want to let go of all the school work that has been bothering me so much, and just sit down infront of my com, and blog, and blog, and blog. You can read this, I don't care. You can tag on the tagboard, it doesn't really matter, afterall, its being infested by spammers rather than friends. =/

Looking back, alot of things have happened. All because of one thing that you didn't say, we ended up like this. Could have been better, no? We could have stayed as really good friends. We could still be together. I didn't choose this path, you did. You chose it for us. Why did you have to blame me in the end for whatever that has happened to your life whenever you quarrel with your bf? Its got nothing to do with me. Absolutely not. So why? What wrong is there in me, when I told you to stop bothering me whenever you feel down cuz of your bf. You saw it coming, didn't you? You wanted the best of both worlds. You wanted my care even after breaking up. I gladly obliged for 2 years, but no. I've had enough.

Of course, I'm actually a bit glad for all these. At least I'm not bothered by you anymore. But how we look at each other now, its as if all those happy memories we ever had were just things of fiction. As if they never happened. Why can't lovers break up and be friends? For 2 years, we thought we could do it, but you had to step over the boundary. You had to do it.

Very often I lay on my bed at night thinking of those nights when we used to spend it together, watching tv, and just spending quality time together. That, was until you left me disillusioned with whoever you are. You changed, and you don't matter to me that much anymore.

Even till now, if you say you still want to be friends, I have no qualms about it. Just that, if you ever think of stepping over the boundary again, I would have to say, no way. No chance in hell, will I let you ruin my life again. Ever.

Penultimately, I just want my life to be a better one, better than what it is now. Better than what I had hoped for when I was together with you. Now that I've set my heart on someone else, you are just a thing in the past. Someone whom I want to give her my all. Someone, who makes me smile when I see her smile.

Ever wondered what it means to be able to do something that you wanted to do your whole life? Somehow, I just think that this is it. This is something that I wanna do for her. I want to give my all.

Having said that, alot of things are still tying me down to earth. This earth which I look down on, which I despise. How do I say this? I mean, all the people around, are just...hai. Don't wanna say it. But yeah, is this world really worth saving? Or should it just be doomed.

Hmmm, actually, the point of this post, I seriously don't see it anymore. Suddenly lost interest in writing, but i'll continue soon. I hope, when more thoughts flow into my mind.

Up and down again. I shall continue from where I left off. The more I think about it, the more i'm pissed. Perhaps, I shouldn't even think about it, but yeah, I doubt it will never get out of my mind? Something that will bug me for life. When you lose something significant, its never the same again, and the scar will stay. Stop telling me to forgive and forget. When you've never been through it, you can say that easily. Forgive, I did. Forget, I tried. Remember, you made me.

Is it wrong to hope for the best? Is it wrong to fall in love with someone? If its not wrong, then why is everything and everyone making it so hard for my life to go on like I want it to be? Avoiding her, just so that people won't start talking about it. Ended up in this kind of friendship? Not something I hoped for. I could only look at her from afar, happy that she's happy. Why does it always have to turn out this way. Why?

Reason. That's what many people call me by. I don't even have a reason to live on. Or do I? I'm just moving on, pressing on. With what purpose? Life's a bitch we have to live with as long as we are alive. Girl, you made me fall in love with you, but still, is it something that I can live without? I'm not sure anymore.

Usually, I would end off with some quote, some song, or just plain random rant. But whatever, this will be the end of this post. And there's actually a hidden code in it. =/

run

Nike run this morning. First nike run I had, but seriously, i didn't really enjoyed it as much as I hoped I would. Mainly becuz of the overwhelming crowd and the "walkers" of the run. Running past first wave ppl who were walking, running into jogging ppl. Bah. But i managed to press on despite my left leg going numb after the 6km mark. Main point is, i pressed on. After the run, was telling huiru i pang seh murong to run on, then she said run alone very lonely. =/ -shrug- just me to run alone? Normally running with other ppl will mess up my pace, so usually ran alone. Its all about the strength in mind that kept me going? One thought, that if I run finish as fast as I could, something good would happen? and well, in a way, it did.

Stand chart coming up next, seriously, thinking twice. What did I sign myself up for? My legs are getting worse with every run, i just dunno why. But press on, I hope I can do it. I hope that someone would be at the finishing line waiting, but I guess, that's too much to ask for, for now. =/

Finding something you love, and going all out for it/her. That's the best life can offer. I'll press on, for I know, you'll never walk alone.

hmmmmmmmm

i dunno why, just felt like writing, at this hour somemore. I dunno, just that I feel that studies have left me out of touch with alot of things around me. Like how I would choose to study over going out with frens. Perhaps its because of my time management? Prioritising studies, followed by keeping myself fit by running and gymming. People I hang out with are those that I study with. Losing touch with all the other friends that used to study together, laugh together, play together. What has school transformed us into? Beings that do not give a damn about those around you, just wanna get the CAP up?

Seriously, I can't wait for the sem break to come. Sort out my thoughts, my emotions, my time. And perhaps, give myself another go at love? I clearly know what's happening right now. Becuz i'm prioritising studies, I'm not even giving time to her. Its not that I do not wish to be together with her, its just that studies are already taking alot away from me this sem, i just can't find the time to talk to her. Its not like what it used to be, where I can adjust my own timing to suit that of other ppl. Perhaps because i'm getting old, and the stuff to do are simply too much. My body just can't seem to catch up to the pace.

My heart, its for you to open up.

=/ what am I saying. argh, whatever. SOmetimes, you just wish, that ur feelings are known the person you like, u dunnit to say anything, and they'll know. But sometimes, its simply not that way.

pissed? hell yeah.

Never been this freaking pissed while doing gym b4. I have seen countless ppl doing gym without their towels. But this one, by far was the worst. That dumb shit of an uncle was sweating like a pig (i'm not giving him any face). After I had finished doing my bench presses, he went over, rested his freaking sweaty body on the machine, boom. Firstly, uncle, check the weights before you do, obviously it was too much for you. Secondly, i bet you've never done this kinda shit b4. You don't raise it up and let down immediately slamming the weights and then raise them up again. Thirdly, bring your own freaking towel to cover the benches before doing. You don't go around spreading your sweat all over the machines and end up expecting ppl to wipe off your filthy sweat with their towels? Hell no. Fuck ya.

Just ranting. And i've realised, i can't seem to find anyone, when i really wanna rant. This sem, it has been about work, work, and just work. =/ When can I find my star, that will light my lonely night sky.

突然感慨万千，可能是因为喝了些酒吧。就是因为太热了，所以那了罐冷啤酒出来喝。在这样的天气，喝着这样的啤酒，总是让我想起那一刻。如果当时我答应了你，可能今天我也不会一个人在这喝闷酒。有两三年了吧。你看起来还过得不错，教了新男友，似乎已经忘记了我们过去的种种回忆。但让我最失望的还是你竟然把这些珍贵的回忆像垃圾似的丢掉。你竟然对别人说我和你没有在一起过。也罢，如果说这是你放下过去的唯一方式，那你只不过是在逃避嘛。

算了。

人因梦想而伟大。只要有梦想，人类要飞上天空也并非那么困难。飞机就是这样被发明的啊。我的梦想，因身边周遭的事物而一天天的在改变，但最基本的还是一样。我想往上爬，往上飞。在世界的最高处看着底下的人。要做到最好，让曾经瞧不起我的人后悔。梦想是很单纯的事。但我因此而变得不把别人看在眼里。

人类真脆弱啊。生命就像气球一样，刺一下就破了。要活下去，也不是事事都能顺着自己的意愿而发生。但也不想由上天来决定自己的命运。走出自己的路。飞出自己的天空。游出自己的一片自由海洋。寻找自己生命中的节拍。

跑步，跳舞，打鼓，吉他。这四样东西都有一个共同点，那就是节拍。一种生命的律动。我都喜欢。但要做到最好，还是得下多一点功夫。不是一天两天就能达到顶峰的。我会加油的。为了自己。

突然好想喝苹果茹荟果汁。=/ 也突然好想你啊。

aloe vera ginko.

(词穷啊!!救命啊!!)

Haha, totally unexpected. I think I did rather well for my critique? 76/100, that's like the highest i've ever gotten for an essay in my whole life. English essay that is! woohoo! haha, and ms lee showed 6 "good" examples of critique paragraphs to the class and 2 were from me! hahaha. totally surprised, but yeah~ having high hopes for this sem. I WANT TO PULL UP CAP LA!! -tells himself to play less hon-

After eg went for dance session with murong, his fren: shan yuan, huiru and this exchange girl from finland. haha, i think i'm damn anti-social, i didn't ask wad her name is. But yeah, wanted to try out murong's dancing session for some time now and finally got to try it today. There are alot of things I liked about it. Firstly, the size of the ppl dancing is just nice, and the studio's in a really secluded corner in sch, so not many ppl can see us practicing. Next, after some rigid gyming and bad cool-down for run last night, the dance proved to be good for stretching my muscles out. Also, I learnt alot of stuff that i've never got in contact with before. Seeing how shan yuan danced, i was like "wow!". If only I could dance as good as him. But yeah, i think my muscles are too stiff for dancing? Its a tough thing to maintain. My 1-3-5-6/7 runs and gyms plus dancing on thursdays. Just hope it doesn't take a toll on my otherwise already badly injured body. My shoulders are in pretty bad shape =p. and so is my left ankle. Once i remove the ankle guard, the ankle just starts to hurt alot. =/

sidenote: i think the long jump winner looks like drogba. its female long jump btw.

Ok la, hopefully I can manage my time well to do the things I like. Hopefully. and yeah, wrote a new song, or rather, half of a new song. Dun feel like continuing though. My blog title kinda explains it.

This song is called "你太完美". I also dunno why the first part of the chorus came to my mind, just a random thought, then i started linking up every thought coming to my mind and came up with the chorus. THEN! i started thinking about the verses, and i started off with that first part on how I feel whenever she walks pass, or when i walk pass her. BAH. but yeah, 不完美的单恋. ANDDDD~ wad happened next was completely out of my estimation. I freaking can't think of anything to write on for the verse. Totally stuck. and of cuz, there's supposed to be a pre-chorus. Guess this always happens whenever i had the chorus plus tune in mind first. Verses are the hardest to think of!!!

看 看你走过我的面前
心里好似在荡秋千
好像在诉说我俩之间
那不完美的单恋

(词穷啊!!救命啊!!)

你太完美 你的爱还能够给谁
我陪你飞 飞到你那完美世界
我追了又追
终于进入你那温暖心扉

看你流泪 我不想看到你心碎
我愿意陪 陪你聊天熬一整夜
你的笑脸
就像陈年美酒把我灌醉

MM Lee

I respect him. For loving his wife so much. I envy him, for having someone whom he can give her his everything. And yeah, the kind of love, makes me jealous, makes me sad. Love from family, love from someone close, I'm beginning to lose that? Seems like i'm losing touch from all these.

I'm beginning to lose belief in this world. I always thought it was something that's worth the effort to make it into a better place. But seeing how ppl go around hurting each other, its not worth it anymore. Especially after how I feel so hurt after so many things have happened.

I think, its not worth my time to think so much for others already. I shld start thinking more for myself. Why bother about making other ppl happy, when ppl dun even care about what you do for them. =/

Seeing MM Lee's eulogy, kinda reminded me of grandma. =/ Whenever I remember her, i'll remember all the sad things, how when I went back to see her, she can't really remember who I was, meaning, the last time she "saw" me was 2 years b4 she passed away. It makes me want to spend more time with my family. But, sometimes, you just wonder, are u really that important to your family? There are alot of things that they don't do for me. And I made it something that I got used to, when really, perhaps, I shldn't have gotten used to these? Cuz I never placed myself in the first place when handling relationships with my family/friends, alot of things I just went along with the flow. But really, i'm just compromising my own happiness.

22 years, if I never asked for it last year, it probably wldn't have happened at all. But still, there are things i'm thankful for. But there are things just make me less happy.

Its perfect 10 day today, but its probably not gonna be perfect for me. I don't see my life with a perfect day in it. Somehow, there'll always be things that spoil my day. When I was together with ex, well, there were happy times spent together, but surely, there're things that spoil my mood, not a single day do I remember of perfection. Not a single day. Perfection is too much to ask for, perhaps, but just please, give me one day of non-sadness?

Happy Birthday

To myself.

Alot of ppl wished me happy birthday yesterday, thank you very much. With the most significant one (well, at least I know the most important ones will never come) coming at 18.38. Thanks (: really means alot when its coming from you. But you'll never know eh?

All I need is just one hour.

And why is it the most important ones that will never come? 22 years of my life, well, I only really can remember starting from my 5th birthday, but yeah. make that 17 years of not hearing "happy birthday" from this important group of people in my life. Ok, perhaps minus that one year, that is the 21st, but yeah. 16 years. I don't need 100 people wishing me happy birthday, i just need 4 ppl saying it to me. Its more than obvious who I'm talking about, but I dun wanna say it out. Its just that different when it comes from them, that's why last year's one was so much better. I thought, at least, i'll get wad I crave for every year, but well, I waited and waited, and my birthday has passed. 22 years of making me feel lonely on this day, thank you.

Perhaps its how it is not really celebrated in the house, but, really, a difference it would make. How much it means to me. When I really treasure them, but how much do I mean to them?

Carried a smile for 22 years, 20 years of not smiling truthfully. Where is my heart?

All I want, is for someone to understand. So don't "haha" me, when u're this significant to me. =/

This is what I think about you

. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . ,.-‘”. . . . . . . . . .``~.,
. . . . . . . .. . . . . .,.-”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .“-.,
. . . . .. . . . . . ..,/. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ”:,
. . . . . . . .. .,?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .\,
. . . . . . . . . /. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,}
.... . . . . . . . ./. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,:`^`.}
. . . . . . . ./. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,:”. . . ./
. . . . . . .?. . . __. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . :`. . . ./
. . . . . . . /__.(. . .“~-,_. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,:`. . . .. ./
. . . . . . /(_. . ”~,_. . . ..“~,_. . . . . . . . . .,:`. . . . _/
. . . .. .{.._$;_. . .”=,_. . . .“-,_. . . ,.-~-,}, .~”; /. .. .}
. . .. . .((. . .*~_. . . .”=-._. . .“;,,./`. . /” . . . ./. .. ../
. . . .. . .\`~,. . ..“~.,. . . . . . . . . ..`. . .}. . . . . . ../
. . . . . .(. ..`=-,,. . . .`. . . . . . . . . . . ..(. . . ;_,,-”
. . . . . ../.`~,. . ..`-.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..\. . /\
. . . . . . \`~.*-,. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..|,./.....\,__
,,_. . . . . }.>-._\. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|. . . . . . ..`=~-,
. .. `=~-,_\_. . . `\,. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .\
. . . . . . . . . .`=~-,,.\,. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .\
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . `:,, . . . . . . . . . . . . . `\. . . . . . ..__
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .`=-,. . . . . . . . . .,%`>--==``
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . _\. . . . . ._,-%. . . ..`\.

Totally, disappointing

Can I cry tonight?

Totally not my day. =/ sprained ankle, a liverpool lost (at anfield). Haiz, never felt so down for some time. Here's hoping that october would be a good month, but it has started off badly. 2 tests that, well, perhaps i didn't put in enough effort to study, they didn't go that well as I thought it would be for me. Doctor's advice to lay off running for at least another 2 weeks if I really wanna recover. I ignored him the next day and what happened? sprained my ankle. Well, at least he didn't know about my sprained ankle. Totally didn't tell him, haha. My bad? I don't give a shit. I don't need ppl telling me what to do, especially ppl that are not important to me. I don't need a calender to decide what I wanna do in my life, so stop referring to the calender and telling me that its not a good day to do this and that. Life is not about a freaking calender.

Here's hoping that something big in my life will happen to make me a happier person, but I don't know, perhaps, happiness just likes to shun me. =/

Life sucks. Life is so..boring and sad...

Right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe

Spent the whole day chilling around at home. play games, sing songs, rap eminem, write lyrics, tried drawing. EMINEM ROCKS! his songs are actually pretty inspiring if u read into the lyrics. Read past the "fuck"(s) and you'll realise, his songs all have a deeper meaning to them. Something to tell, and that's what I hope my songs will be when I write them. But end up, today, I cldn't come up with a decent verse. 原来词穷是这么一回事.

Draws near, everything is drawing near. Deadlines, tests, labs, BLAH. when i just feel like slacking away. 2 more months and i wld probably be lazing around at home, but I want it to happen now. I just want to chill and chill. =/ I guess, all i need is a life. =/

River Valley

Ay, dunno why, suddenly missing rv days!

For the many memories that it has left me. All those nights of mugging, chatting online with ppl that I enjoy being around with, going out with her. Blah, can't believe i'm actually missing her, her company that is.

RV, the campus, the sch life. Everything that I thought was fun, enriching. It was quite an experience, 4 years that I'll never forget, for its ups and downs. For the countless CO practices I had. For the countless times I practiced myself in the CO room just to perfect my drum rolls, my drum solos, my drum pieces. For the countless misses and shots that went in while playing on the courts. For the many jokes that were cracked in those 4 years. For the many times I walked past her classroom just to have a glance at each other. =/ For so many things I've missed.

Kinda made me realise how we used to dread those days in sch, yet now, i only wish that I could relive those days, even just moments of it. SO yeah, I guess, we should treasure the moments we have in our lives while they last. I don't dread sch, in fact, I'm beginning to enjoy it. Those little moments that make your life brighten up. School, its not such a bad place afterall.

For now, I probably just wanna concentrate on my studies, that's why, I'm choosing not to do anything for her. Maybe I should be doing something, but priorities are important in my life. I'm confident of balancing it when it comes to being together, but for now, the problem of balancing studies and doing something for you, I'm just scared that I'll break down b4 I can actually show you how much I care for you. For now, lets just wait and see. I'll show you one day, how much you mean to me.