Seeing red

Ah, just saw a very nice pair of red soccer boots. Hmmm, if i'm ever gonna get a pair of soccer boots, i would want it be red, with gerrard engraved on it. (:

Ay, today, not a really good day. Woke up bored, was seriously contemplating not going for the interview, but that would be too serious a pangseh. And I actually dreamt about not going for the interview before i woke up. I dreamt i sent an sms to siping telling her i having flu so cannot go. LOL. and i woke up, having stomach flu. =.=

ah, so b4 anyone else complains about my blog being a bed of emo-ism, i'm thinking of something happy to post about. HMMM.

BAH! i can't even think about a thing.

Well, well, just check out lolcats.com if you need a laugh, that's all i can say.

"with their big fake smile and stupid lies"

looking upon every smile, doubting people's underlying intentions. No smile is 100% true, nor is it 100% evil. But, seriously, sometimes, i dun even know what to believe anymore. People like to ask me why i don't like to smile. Its not because i'm not happy, but i dun see the point of giving a smile when i'm not 100% happy. I dun wanna fake it, i dun wanna give ppl the false impression that i'm okay when in truth i'm not.

Its not that i don't enjoy life, there are alot of things i like about my life now. Its just those little stuff in our lives that make us think, it ain't that good at all. Random things for us to emo about, random moments of sian-ness. If u ask for a purpose, i can say, the only purpose of me living on, is to not disappoint anyone. But all I keep doing is just disappointing myself. Its not about regrets, its about how my life has become such monotony. studies and gym and sleep, there's no colour in it. And when i want to join a cca, i can only think about joining things like akido and taekwondo. Martial arts, in a way, they will not make my life any bit more colourful.

That day, jiaming was asking mujung, do you have any worries about life, like worrying about money, studies, relationships. In a way, i asked myself too, are there any worries in my life?

Money? Definitely yes, having 5k taken away from you is definitely not something to be happy about. And I find myself digging everywhere just to get money out to buy the things i want. saving on meals just to save money. Everything i'm doing for is for the money, be it gym, uncle toby's. gyming to me is to curb my want to play games on my ps3, the many games that i want to buy. Uncle toby, its just because its cheap, and its only 50cents per meal.

Studies? Defo yes for me too. Worried that i might not be able to go on exchange to a place i want cuz of my poor cap. Tired of being compared to my sis. Tired of every single emphasis on good grades where quality of life is heavily depended on grades. But actually, i also want good grades for myself too. I'm angry with myself, for forever letting my emotions take over at the most important timings. When studying really matters, i always end up emo-ing about stuff that well, are sometimes inevitable. Be it in sem 1, or sem 2. Or even to a distant past, during o's and a's.

Relationship? Yes/no for me. 4 years of being single, in a way, i'm already pretty much used to it. The void in my heart, somehow i've alr gotten used to this hole there. Yes, i do envy ppl being together, holding hands, doing what couples do. There are times i think how good it would be if i can be together with the one i like. But sometimes, no matter how much you want something, it just won't come to you. And i'm feeling that right now. Becuz i want it that much, it just gives me the feeling that it ain't gonna happen. I know where my heart lies, i know how true my heart is, but it doesn't matter, if she can't feel it.

This roller coaster. I'm still on it.