sadness reigns

I dunno why, the more i look at the situation right now, everything's just not going to turn out as i wanted it to be. I guess, I really got the wrong timing. Do I regret anything, wells, I was once a man of many regrets. But not anymore, I told myself, whatever I do, not to regret anymore. Just a sense of emptiness, a feeling of what could have been. You know, the kind of feeling where everything wells up, the tears dun come out from your eyes, rather, the feelings from the heart just wells up and accumulates at your throat, makes you wanna shout out real loud.

I had many ways to let out my feelings in the past, not anymore. No more going to beaches shouting out loud, as loud as I want when I feel sad. No more beating drums with all my heart, trying to let my feelings be drowned by those drum beats. Somehow, I am not the same guy as I used to be. In a way, i've changed, for better of for worse, I do not know.

I really wanna go to the beach to shout out, how much I really wanted to be with her, but really, does it matter? I'm guessing if she has to choose, she would choose the other guy. Afterall, they're closer to each other. All I can do is to feel glad that she is happy with someone, but sad by the fact that i'm not the special someone for my special someone.

I do not want to indulge myself in false hopes, hoping that somehow, she has a liking for me. Cuz I know that's not the case. At least, I do not think that is the case. What's the chance of that happening? Not even 1% according to my calculations. Well, I think striking toto has a higher chance of me being together with her?

Yes, I've not told her anything, but if my feelings doesn't mean anything to her, it never will. I'm not being pessimistic or what. I'm just letting my brain tell me the right path to go. A path that will not lead me to being even more sad. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I guess, this really is the reason why my feelings for you can increase at such an exponential rate.

Ppl might say its bullshit, that my feelings for you are just crap, that I made it all up. But I do not think so. I've lived long enough to know whether my feelings are true. What do I like about you? Perhaps the common interests? Perhaps the fact that some things start to feel tastier than it was in my life. Perhaps because of the fact that you made me see things in a different light? Perhaps because of the fact that I feel that I can open up to you? I do not know. But, does it really matter to you?

I hate myself for being such a person, a person that lets logic take over when it comes to this kind of thing. Nvr allowing my heart to take full control. Doing things to the bare minimum, showing my feelings to the bare minimum. But, does it really matter to you?

I think, I really need someone to talk to, not just this blog. But i can't think of anyone else.