Why do u assume?

Staying up means i'm playing games?

Do I play games for the sake of playing?

Or is it simply because I'm having some problems sleeping, that's why I was so bored that I needed to do something?

Do you not think that I wished there were stuff to do?

Do you not think that I wished I could get myself drowned in school work?

Did you think that I do not prefer to thrive in stress rather than in games?

Do you really think I enjoy the stuff I do?

Why do u assume so much?

Do not assume. I say again, do not assume. Do not assume whatever you think to be true of what a person is.

If it was anyone else, I would probably have resorted to vulgarities or something even more.

So let me answer your assumptions one by one.

Most of the time, when I'm staying up, I'm not playing games whatsoever. Sitting infront of my laptop, staring at forums, death wished, blogging. Do you even care? Do you even understand? 22 years and counting. Have you ever asked, "hey, what's wrong?" No. For so long, I've pretended. Pretended to be happy, pretended to be satisfied. They say, be satisfied with what you have, and you will be happy. I once had so much, so much, that I feel that now I've lost a lot. Things that I do not even know why I'm losing. Even as I'm speaking now, I just feel the one thing so dear to me slipping away. I don't even know what happened, just a sudden bout of loneliness that she is letting me feel. Its as if she doesn't care, its as if I was the only one that cared. I guess its true, maybe she really just cares about herself? I don't even know which one is the real you anymore. The one that I enjoy talking so much with? Or the one who has seemed to disappear from my life again? I thought you wouldn't let me feel like this anymore, I thought so much, to the extent that I thought, "hey, don't think so much k? Everything will be fine." As much I as I try to convince myself that everything will be fine, there is just this "me" down there telling me what my sixth sense feels. And its usually accurate.

So well yeah, for 22 years, I've chose to keep to myself, not even once telling you 2 how I felt, not even once telling the other 2 how I felt. So, is it me that do not like to talk, or is it the 4 of you who are not willing to listen? What I've wanted my whole life, I've always fought for them myself. Even if I do ask it from you all, its because I really have no choice but to do so. I've followed the path that you all have plotted out for me. It was never "my" life, it was always what you all wanted me to be. Am I fulfilling my dreams? Or am I fulfilling yours? Maybe going into university, and getting a degree, is good for my future and stuff. But what is it that I really want? I stopped asking myself all these. Its as if my wants are not important anymore, I can't even feel for myself anymore. Its as if you all are placing your unfulfilled dreams on me, hoping that I can help you complete them? To get first class, to be my own boss, to get one freaking big house? Its what you all want. What I want, is just for myself to be happy, for the people I love to be happy. I really love you all, really. But all these pressure on me is making me crack. The weight of your dreams that has been put on me for 22 years. Its really painful, you know?

That no one cares, only makes it worse.

For 22 years, I've always chose to shake it off after a night's sleep. But now, I'm just finding it hard to sleep everyday. And did you ever ask "why?" You just assumed that all I wanted to stay up for was to play games. You just assumed everything to be what you think it is. Have you ever wondered why I would want to stay up to watch Liverpool's matches? You blindly assumed that I just want to keep up to times, keep up to people around me, and my crazy support for a team I like. Did you ever wonder why I started loving Liverpool? All these, because if it weren't for Liverpool, I would have been dead by now, mentally, if not physically. They taught me never to give up no matter what circumstances. They taught me to fight for the things I love, that no matter what, don't give up, and believe that it will come, whatever that you're wishing for.

So do you even give a damn now? I'm not asking for anything. After all, for 22 years, I have not asked for anything pertaining to showing more concern or whatsoever. It doesn't matter now, really, it does not. I only wish, that this control that you think you still hold over me could be lifted. I'm 22, almost 23, I know what I'm doing, you really don't need to tell me what I'm doing. Just let me be "myself", please? Its a sincere plead, one that comes from my heart. But well, you all have never listened for 22 years, so I'm not really thinking that you all would suddenly open up your heart and ears to my heart and mouth. Listen, not hear.

Every night, I'm just wishing that tonight will be the last night my tears fall.