Tell me why?

That I feel this way. Why is it that I want to cry on such a night? My mood was alright in the morning, yeah, Liverpool lost and stuff, but well, walking around this morning got my mood up a bit, perhaps cuz it felt like taking a break away from the usual stuff I do in the morning at home. In truth, I actually didn't mind waking up early and going 2 places, I wonder why. Then it was movie time, Little Fockers, totally laughed myself off. I love the fockers. Always able to make me laugh.

Then xiao long bao. Ok la, the food was great, the company was good. But in truth, I kinda got bored when they started talking about ese ppl and stuff, feels so...out of place. =/

As to why I feel like crying, perhaps it was a realisation I came upon after the day's events. Or rather, my thought process throughout the day, with all the travelling, talking to different ppl, experiencing different commuters' reactions on MRT, and a mixture of some books I read.

Well, where shall I start?

Hmmm, perhaps, I should start on what happened on the MRT in the afternoon, when we were making our way down to funan from science park, thanks to the sci park outlet being one for scanner repairs. =/ Seriously, I don't see the point in rushing for the exit when the train hasn't even stopped yet. And that's the problems with humans, we tend to hurry ourselves up, but why can't we just slow our pace down and appreciate the things around us? We like to hurry, and to complain that why things must be so fast, but have we ever thought that, the things that are fast aren't the things we complain about but it is just us, driven by our greed. Driven by our desire for something better. Sometimes, its just better to slow down, learn to appreciate every bit and parcel of our life, and perhaps, this world will be a better world. -without ppl squeezing their way to get out of a train when almost half of the ppl are getting out-

Moving on, its great once in awhile to go to places where you have not been to for a long long time with different ppl. It gives you a different feeling altogether and a different perspective of a place that used to leave me with memories, albeit some are painful ones to remember. Can't remember when was the last time I went to funan, though I could vividly remember who I went with the last time. It left me with bad memories of the place, and perhaps why I never stepped foot in that place for like, almost half a year? or perhaps more. Today it felt a bit different. Maybe because of a change of mood caused by the Liverpool loss, which led me to this particular thought in the morning: "No matter how sad I feel about the loss, I shall not let my emo-ness be felt by whoever I'm going out with. I need to lighten up my mood, no matter what, and a change of pace from the usual pace I've been moving at." Feels good to be talking about other stuff that won't make me emo over Liverpool. And it feels good to talk to ppl, something which I enjoy, something which I will touch on later on, regarding communication. But yeah, at least I think I didn't allow my emo-ness to be felt by chong this morning, although I was pretty much tired. Though I'm sorry to my brudders and huiru for being so "not-myself" at dinner, where I didn't really talk much, and perhaps, felt abit out of place when they were talking about ese stuff, where I tried to pretend that I understand, and perhaps a bit interested, when in actual fact, I was pretty much tired out to be interested in anything. Sorry for pretending, I was simply, too tired after being out the whole day.

Ok, let's not talk about that. Well then, on the way back home, huiru was saying how similar the time required to travel from cityhall to clementi/tampines is. Then I realised, how I'm gonna have to travel 40 mins to get to tanah merah tml, =/ Not that I don't like travelling, in fact, I enjoy this time when I can just plug in to my earphones, play my "air-drums", and think about stuff that I wouldn't think of otherwise. Perhaps, I'm a person who likes to think. Also, observing people around me makes me understand myself more through the way I respond to things happening around me. For example today, I realised how vulnerable I am to the word "sorry". There was this parent with his 2 daughters on the train. Well, it was the peak hour train, so it was the no-seats kind of train, and I was leaning against the walls of the train. Then his daughters started playing and he was playing with them as well. Not that I dislike kids playing on the train, normally I would have no qualms about it. But well, the younger one kept fidgeting and banging into me, so naturally, I was quite pissed off. But when the parent said, "sorry", I just smiled back and said, "its alright". As if that's my favourite phrase, "its alright". It might seem like a nice kind of reaction to other ppl, but to me, it just showed how vulnerable I am to such words. How I fail to be angry when I should be. Like how I was pretty upset with someone when that person didn't turn up for an event a few weeks back, cuz of certain commitments, but when she said "sorry", I just said "its alright". I mean, well, yeah, I couldn't fault her for that, but I don't know, its like, back then, it really mattered alot to me, not that it matters now (which perhaps, I will touch on later). Then, I was also reminded of how I should have been angry with xiumin/soohuey for what they did to me in the past, but when they said "sorry", all the angst, all gone, and all was left was forgiveness. Should I really be such a person? I mean, ppl say i'm nice at all, but is being nice really the way to go? Maybe I'm being too nice for my own good? Being nice, at the expense of my own well-being, maybe I shouldn't be like that? Maybe I should have been a bastard and not turn up for things cuz I'm just simply, too tired?

Hmmm, this is really turning out to be a long blog post, perhaps just too many things going on in my mind at the moment. Just a recap on the things I wanted to say:

-Communication

-Someone that mattered

Hmmm, actually these 2 are closely related, so perhaps I can cover in one long paragraph? hahaha.

Carrying on, communication. I feel that really, in a relationship, be it between friends or someone you want to be with, its all about communication. In order for a friendship to be great, I just feel that communication is of utmost importance. Never running out of topics in one thing. Another thing is the way someone makes you feel when you're talking to him/her. There are only a handful of people I enjoy talking to, cuz topics never seem to run out, and we can continue talking for ages, without me thinking of what to say. Then there are those, who I can just stand there and think of what to say and end up saying nothing. Am I a boring person? Or perhaps both parties are the same type of people, boring in nature? Then how do you explain why I can talk to some people non-stop? This in turn led me into thinking, so, do I really like her? This is also how tessa led me into thinking seriously about my feelings, about where my heart truly lies. It is hard to get into a relationship when you can't even communicate. It is hard when the feelings are one-sided. If communication is present, at least the feelings can get across. But when there is no such bridge known as communication, the feelings will never get to her. Its like trying to jump over a wall, when you know its impossible. And slowly, these feelings will disappear. If the feelings were mutual though, it would be a different story, cuz communication will definitely come naturally as time wears on. Perhaps, its also the realization that all I was trying to do was to bury my feelings for someone else which in fact surfaced recently, which I can't explain why. Suddenly, it became clear to me what I want, and that, what I wanted previously was to get away. It was then that I realised, there was probably no feelings at all in the first place towards this someone. @#$%, this is getting confusing for me when I try not to mention names. But whatever, I think that's enough regarding communication and someone that mattered. Simply put, someone that mattered doesn't matter anymore (probably becuz of me realising that I don't matter to her at all too), while someone that truly matters has always been there, and I went one big round just to arrive at this conclusion.

You, truly matter to me, and I hope one day, I can say these words to you:"You really mean alot to me. You make me happy, you make me smile, and I just want to do anything I can to keep your smile. I can't promise you wealth, but I can promise you happiness and a heart of gold that will never melt. Simply put, I love you."

The way you make me feel

M.J's song. The way you make me feel.

Really, its all about how you make me feel. On one side, talking to her makes me feel like, hmmm, my decision's probably right. How I don't feel any communication from her, at all. Its like, she doesn't make me feel needed at all, that to her, i'm something that is replaceable, something that is not important, something, yeah, something. =/

On the other side, there's one that makes me feel that I'm needed. She, who makes talking so much more enjoyable. She, who makes me feel like, yeah, there's so much more to talk about. Its all about communication, and that, I feel, that there is a connection between us. Its not as if I never had these feelings towards her, it was always there, but for a period of time, I chose to bury it. But now, I decided, the feelings for her never disappeared, so why should I hide it anymore? Why should I attempt to pour feelings into someone else when someone is already there for me?

How she makes me feel. Two different "she"s, two different feelings, One decision.

There is not even a need to think about it anymore. It feels more like, woah, suddenly, there's nothing to talk about. Its like what I used to always do was to get closer to you, but when what really matters, is to be close in the first place, b4 I decided on anything. I made a mistake, an amateurish mistake, but I'm glad I pulled out before it started hurting me.

I feel, and i'm sure, that this is the right decision. "you" are not the one. you are the one.

On a side note, I dunno whether I shld be glad about my winnings, i'm just riding on this luck, which to me seems like a dilemma. If I could choose between love and gambling, it would be love. But well, while it lasts, I'll just ride on it till love comes.

2010

To me, the year hasn't been that great a year at all. Plenty of emotional downs, and it almost ended in a very down mood. But thanks to my dear brudder, TESSA~ hahaha. Totally cleared up my mind, and i'm alot clearer of what I want to do, who I want to be with, and what kind of a person I want to be infront of others. No more facades, I just wanna be myself. Being clear about your feelings is all that matters now.

Now I'm able to face 2011 in a brand new perspective, with new hopes, new dreams, new targets, and perhaps, a life to look forward to.

I really wanna say goodbye to my emo self and move forward.

Almost half a year of letting my heart wander around someone and to realise in the end, that I only ignore what my heart was truly shouting to me. What my heart was telling me all the while, was to persevere. I tried doing that for one person, that mattered alot to me, but perhaps, no matter what I do for her, I'm just another guy. But a wake-up call for me, and now I'm back to being a happy me. Or rather, someone with things to look forward to. Hopes and dreams, friends and family.

Letting myself back into life, giving myself another chance to live a happier life.

Let's wish, with all my heart, and the million stars in the night sky, that 2011 will be a good one, for myself, for my family, for my friends, for those I love, for those I treasure (i actually type "travel" instead of treasure). Hopefully, this nomadic heart of mine could finally find a place to settle down, a place for my heart to call home. My heart is tired, but i'm still gonna give it another go, for myself, for a reason to live on.

2011, here I come.

This heart of mine

You have no idea what I'm going through. I feel like my heart is being pulled apart. Its bringing me everywhere except for a place for it to settle down.

Trapped in the past, the present and the future. Have I really moved on? Or am I just looking for an excuse in you? I admit, there was a time when you really made me feel like giving my all, made me feel that you're the best in the world, like you're the only one that really matters, like you're the only one i want to protect in this whole world. But no, you drifted away. Perhaps it was my fault? cuz I never tried talking to you about how much you meant to me? Or perhaps you were just pushing me away? That, I guess, I'll never know.

Then, there was someone else, I thought I had already forgotten about all those feelings in the past. But no, those feelings, they're flowing back.

All these are leaving my heart in an ever confused state. Trapped in such confusion that I have no idea what to do now. Who do I tell all these to? I can't find anyone. But what the heck, I don't need anyone to tell me what to do. Advice, I do not need.

Then again, how I felt when I thought I lost the elmo dangling on my bag, and how relieved and happy I was when I found it lying around at home. I mean, it made me realise how much it really meant to me. Perhaps, I got attacked at this emotional low state that I felt so affected that made me think maybe I still have feelings for the one who gave it to me. You were once so important. Keyword: Once. No more. Its the past, I love the memories you left me. I love everything that you gave me. I loved you. But it doesn't matter to us now, for we don't even talk to each other like friends anymore. We have both changed, doesn't matter what those 2 years together meant to us individually. We thought we were meant to be, you thought you would marry me. But fate brought us here, you with another guy, me? My heart is trapped.

So tell me, what should I do? What?

All I need is a confirmation. Something to make me confirm my feelings. Or perhaps, I shouldn't think about all these at all. 既来之则安之, I guess the best move is to take it one step at a time. Perhaps, I should follow my heart. Like what tessa said, maybe, perhaps, I'm just forcing myself to like this girl when the feelings are already not there. My heart, where will u bring me?

Tired

Woah, damn tired after a long day, didn't sleep much, dun ask me why, I know why, some people probably know why, but the rest probably have no freaking idea. Well, whatever. Tried cleaning up the house abit b4 ppl came, then went to buy the food for the bbq at 2pm. Quite fun shopping for food, reminds me of those days when I used to buy groceries just to cook, for someone, that is. Bah, I miss my cooking, not you.

Then went back to my place to try to marinate, then te di went to pick tessa up and she dared to say my driving sucks. THANKS AH BRUDDER....then went back everyone was playing pes 2011 liao. lol, end up bbq started at 6pm.

The watermelon was nice, the chocolate fudge was nice too, so was the tang yuan! haha. The turn up was rather good too. Though more ppl were expected to come but, yeah, whatever.

I'm officially tired now, but for some reason, I can't fall asleep, and its not about the results, I was never one to worry about results so tml means another holiday to me. Trapped in this constant thinking of the words of miyamoto musashi. Yeah, miyamoto musashi, the greatest japanese warrior of all time.

Read up alot about him, and woah, master of all trades man, from swordsmanship to painting to writing, there seems like nothing he does not know. I mean, woah, is it possible for humans? If it is, then I would like to try. To concentrate on whatever I am doing, to put in a 100%. And to observe everything at its largest scale, to look at everything, to be detailed, yet general. To relax, yet to concentrate.

These late nights, I hate them.

Thought of a song

While bathing. But after I came out, it seemed that the bath washed all the lyrics and tune away, so i'm sitting down here with all night long to think about that song. I thought it sounded nice when i was singing it while bathing. Maybe I should get back into the bathroom to try to recall the tune. lol.

nah, after 1 hour...can't think of anything to pen down. suckssssssss. shall find other things to do..

Tested

My patience, that is.

Seriously, this world, its testing my patience. This anger that I've tried so hard to curb. But no, it has to happen every single time. I'm losing my patience with the people around me. Don't make me do so much to tell me something else and with you doing something else in the end. WTf? Who the hell do you think I am.

Fk this world, pissing me off. Really.

As if i'm the only one who's free enough to do all these things, FOR YOU ALL!?

I don't feel like doing anything anymore. Can I just fk it and say NO!? I don't want to do anything for anyone who do not know how to appreciate. Not feeling appreciated, at all.

I'm really trying to keep the anger in, but, the limits are really being tested.

And no, if u think i'm angry with you, its probably not you. If i ever tell you that i will never be angry with you, i mean it, for life. BUT, there are some ppl who just like to take advantage of my "nvm, its alright" attitude. FFS, i feel like a hypocrite, being nice to ppl and yet feeling angry inside. But really, i'm forced to be angry. Sometimes, I just feel like, I shouldn't even be nice to ppl, at all.

And I had to feel like crying at a time like this. Fuck me. How much I need someone to talk it over with and all you could say was "haha" or "lol". Tell me why, that the only person I feel like talking to is you, yet, you can't even understand? Can I tell you that its you? Can I?

A big WHY. like seriously. WHY!? why do I hate this world so much yet I yearn for the love of humans. WHY!?

Just an update

Of my life.

Nothing much, still the same old me, running hard, away from my problems, trying to grasp the future. Just that lately, I somehow couldn't pick up my pace in running. Everytime I start running, I just feel like puking. Wonder why. Fitness level drop? Body refusing to do work?

No idea.

As for the things that I've said I wanted to do before the holidays, well. Halfway there? Learn guitar: haven't even started. Learn dance: couldn't find the time to. Run at least 30km non-stop at the end of the sem break: HAHA, no chance. Learn spanish: trying hard! Talk to her more: at least more than during exam period, bah. I'm really trying very hard ok! I also want things to turn out fine between us. I want her to know how I feel. I'm trying very hard to show it, but i'm just hoping it wun scare her away. =/

Well, really asking myself what I want in life. What I have achieved so far.

1) Being really good at something: Well, I would say for a period of time, I've been really good in CO? Doing something I like so much, feeling the anxiety before a performance, having a sense of achievement when the applause rains down on you after it. JC made me hate CO though, when it became a means of getting into a JC. Made me see how teachers-in-charge really dun care and just want you to perform. Life's not as naive as I thought it was anymore.

2) To fall in love: That I did, but in the end, I still fell from love. Following my heart for 22 years, letting the heart do the talking when the mind thinks otherwise. In a way, I've come to know my heart really well. When it comes to really liking someone, I realise how I tend to fall short at communication. I realised, I tend to shy away from my words for fear that I might say something wrong. But really, I really do care about her, and I really do like her alot and would love to give her the best. Love, something so elusive, yet something we need so much. Follow my heart, I will, to that hearty smile of yours.

3)To enjoy life: Really, I suppose I do enjoy my life? At least I enjoy at least 3 out of my 5 mods every sem. At least during sem break, I let myself lose and breathe in every single happiness that life has to offer. I do, enjoy life. But its just the something that's missing? Someone to enjoy it with. Omg, please, just tell me, how to make you fall in love with me, or...have you already done so?

Had lotsa dreams of me dying and regretting the things that I have NOT done while I was alive. I want to live a life without regrets, but its really hard, isn't it.

On a side-note, running out of mangas to read, nothing new, nothing nice, though To-LOVE-Ru Darkness looks like a good series to start on, but was instantly reminded of how the first series got turned into a fan-service manga halfway thru. Or perhaps it had the intention of being one since the start. Nya, i'm bored!

Ouch

Something hurts, and I don't even know what it is.

Shall start off with some stuff that has been popping up on my health lately. Random pains in the leg, well, the pains actually came back after the marathon. So i'm actually thinking twice about going for sundown, but knowing me, I would probably sign up for it in the end. My recovery run today was a complete disappointment. 2km, yeah, but I felt like vomitting all the way. Something's wrong, very wrong, and I dunno wad's wrong with me.

Our past, its something that makes us grow into what we are. But once it has achieved its purpose, we should let it go. Letting our past go. Not like i'm the best at dealing with the pain of losing loved ones, but, whatever, what matters is what we think, and what we have loved. The time spent together, is not something that can be forgotten, but something that we shld bury if we are to move on.

In the end I still managed to talk to her, felt normal, maybe I was just thinking too much. Maybe she wanted to talk to me as much as I had wanted to talk to her? =/

Suddenly wanted to watch alot of movies again, especially 3 idiots and a walk to remember. Dunno why, these 2 movies were the ones that resonated really well with me during the exam period, and i just feel like watching them over again in a relaxed mood. Shall find time to do that.

Don't feel like working tml, somemore gotta collect laptop and stuff. So mafan...

Finisher of 44.195km

2km more than the usual marathon, thanks to lousy bag collection planning by organisers. But still, I think this'll be my last standchart, unless adidas comes along and organise again. Get an adidas standchart finisher then i can say goodbye to standchart for life. Only wanna run sundown from now on, prefer the night. I hate the SUN!!!

but one word i saw on amoy street kept me running, well, at least for 21km. Name of a shop, that resonated with something on my back. Something i refused to show kayden. Hahahaha. But..."you" kept me running. (: though you dun really know who you are to me, but, thank you!!! (:

Think about those you love, it'll keep you running. ruNNing is Love! ((:

不要来烦我!

I don't know what am I to you now, but to me, you were once everything. SO, stop diminishing your worth in my eyes!! Cuz I'm just starting to find you so irritating that its getting pretty much impossible just to stay on as friends with you. Get what I mean? Then learn those two words that suit you so well. Starts with F, ends with F. Requiesta in pace in my heart, you shall. You no longer have a place.

First day after exams, thought all the stress were finally gone. Last paper wasn't easy at all, and it turned out to be the one that i'm least confident in. Watched harry potter, IN CINEMA!! never once watched it in cinema before so i was thinking of not wanting to break the record. But, yeah, so-so. What a bloody cliff-hanger. Then queued up for starbucks free coffee at cathay. haha. Java chip, no whip cream please! nb, one big fat topping of whip cream on my java chip.... Then got my limited ed AC: Brotherhood! YEAH! went home straightaway started on it le. But really, its not something kids should play. All the wrong values being taught. haha. Trying to rebuild rome, no money, and what do you do? You steal from the people you're trying to help. hahaha.

THEN. YOU. YOU FREAKING HAD TO IRRITATE ME!? so damn fking pissed. One more time, and i dun think i'll hesitate blocking you. Seriously.

Can't this world just let me have a peace of mind? Let me enjoy the things I want to do. Let me have time to do the things I want to do. Let me have a peace of mind when I'm going about doing these things, instead of having to worry about this and that.

Stand Chart this Sunday. No matter what, I guess, I just have to keep on running. Whether there's motivation or not.. I'm just, still, too scared to tell you anything. =/

The word

I've held back on using this word for everything i publish, be it on twitter, facebook, blog. For so long, no matter how angry I was, I refused to use this word. But now, one person made me want to use this word so much. I hereby dedicate this blog post to him, this one guy, that made me want to scold FUCK for so many times I hope it screws the idea into his fucking head.

That person is none other than the fucking manager of my beloved Liverpool, roy hodgson. You're so fucked up you don't even deserve to have the first letter of your names in caps, cuz you're simply not up to the job.

To all who don't watch football, or have no idea who Liverpool's manager is. Good for you. Cuz you do not need to know this fucked up guy called roy hodgson who plays long ball tactics. If you wonder what's that, simply put, its when a defender gets the ball, if he can't hoof the ball forward, he passes it back to the keeper so that the keeper can hoof it forward, hoping that the forward can get the ball, somehow. Well, for teams like fulham, you can do that, cuz basically, they have no skills on the feet whatsoever, they can get the ball in the air 50-50. But for players like Torres, Gerrard, Maxi, Meireles and co who have great feet, that is simply not the tactic to go. FUCK YOU ROY, this is not fulham. This is Liverpool. This is Anfield, and I simply do not welcome you here.

There was once a great manager at Liverpool, Sir Rafa Benitez, who sadly, was sacked by stupid owners who didn't know how good a manager he was. At least he didn't play long balls. ANd he's surely better than this fucker called roy. Simply put, fucking roy doesn't have the caliber to handle a great team such as Liverpool itself. I expect his post-match comments to be something like, "We played good football, but credit to stoke, they managed to get 2 goals and its good for tony pulis." Loser-attitude. Never admitting his own mistakes. Oblivious to the fact that his tactics simply do not suit Liverpool, at all.

Usually, when we're down 1-0 at half-time or even held to a 0-0 draw, I still had faith in the team. This time, I had faith in the team too, but I had no faith in the guy called roy. What a Fucker he is. Even the word Fucker deserves a cap as the first letter. But roy doesn't. Simply put, he's one big fucker. So fucking passive, never taking the first step to make a change. I've never seen any Liverpool manager as bad as him. As bad as Rafa's rotation policy was, it still churned out results and trophies and champions league football. With this guy, I would be laughing if we were still in Europa.

I really hope the owners would do something about this fucker called roy. Because, he's not Liverpool quality, and so are the players he bought in that were under him before. Only Meireles and Joe Cole looked like decent signings.

Love

This world, void of it. At least that's what I feel right now. Since the start of the sem, i've found this sem pretty monotonous with all those studying and stuff. Haven't really found time to go out and enjoy myself ever since mid-terms. Perhaps, its the realisation that this sem wldn't be as easy as the previous ones. Or perhaps, its the realisation that I'm smart, but lazy, and the only way to pull up my CAP is to put in hard work.

All these, with the occasional indulgences in gaming, has led to less time with other stuff. Plus the fact that I'm more conscious of my fitness now as compared to the past, the runs and gyms had eaten up alot of my time. Coupled with so many things that I want to learn, like guitar and dancing, I really found no time for the one thing that I've spent 20 odd years on looking for. That one thing, called love. Somehow, I couldn't find the time for the one person that I care alot about. I have no excuses for that, except that I feel sorry that I'm not doing enough to make her feel that I really do have feelings for her. Not that we are together yet, but I guess it is still something that a person must do in order to let the other party feel your sincerity.

All these, I have not done. I really wish for all these studies and stuff to end soon, cuz, we really needta talk. I need to tell you how much you mean to me.

He's BACK~

totally on a high now, so instead of sleeping, shall blog b4 getting some rest.

Muahaha, Liverpool's finally back to winning ways!! With Torres back, and Lucas looking good, seems like the only way is UP for us! hahaha. Go Liverpool! YNWA!!! XD

And yeah, very long since i last ran. After nike run, all i've been doing were snacking/slacking and the occasional gyming. =/ Time to step it up b4 stand chart comes. Somehow, the motivation was lost, somehow. Trying so hard to find it back now. I have no idea what keeps me running anymore, but I'll do my best tml. 12km! I'm gonna conquer you!!!

lalala, HEP!

song

suddenly wanted to write a chinese song. Can't be too sure of the date, but..just randomly chose a date that kinda makes it easier to sing (i think).

男：

七月二日晴

我带着平常心去感应

这世界变化无穷的情景

却没想到会在此刻动心

女：

七月二日阴

我带着笑容等爱降临

等了这么久也没有动静

你却在此刻握住我手心

haha, if only these feelings were true for you too.

Back to study! owell, its time to slp first! haha

Used to

I used to write alot, alot about my past, alot about the present, alot about what i want in the future. Remembering those ns days, when the little notebook was there, where i just wrote how i felt, what i felt, who i feel for in that little notebook. Its gone now, no thanks to the many drills we did in 39 sce where the stuff in my lbv just end up getting wet. How I used to write all the loves, all the hates, all the wants, all about you, who was once so important to me. How insignificant we are to each other now, I really can't believe it anymore. Tonight, I just want to let go of all the school work that has been bothering me so much, and just sit down infront of my com, and blog, and blog, and blog. You can read this, I don't care. You can tag on the tagboard, it doesn't really matter, afterall, its being infested by spammers rather than friends. =/

Looking back, alot of things have happened. All because of one thing that you didn't say, we ended up like this. Could have been better, no? We could have stayed as really good friends. We could still be together. I didn't choose this path, you did. You chose it for us. Why did you have to blame me in the end for whatever that has happened to your life whenever you quarrel with your bf? Its got nothing to do with me. Absolutely not. So why? What wrong is there in me, when I told you to stop bothering me whenever you feel down cuz of your bf. You saw it coming, didn't you? You wanted the best of both worlds. You wanted my care even after breaking up. I gladly obliged for 2 years, but no. I've had enough.

Of course, I'm actually a bit glad for all these. At least I'm not bothered by you anymore. But how we look at each other now, its as if all those happy memories we ever had were just things of fiction. As if they never happened. Why can't lovers break up and be friends? For 2 years, we thought we could do it, but you had to step over the boundary. You had to do it.

Very often I lay on my bed at night thinking of those nights when we used to spend it together, watching tv, and just spending quality time together. That, was until you left me disillusioned with whoever you are. You changed, and you don't matter to me that much anymore.

Even till now, if you say you still want to be friends, I have no qualms about it. Just that, if you ever think of stepping over the boundary again, I would have to say, no way. No chance in hell, will I let you ruin my life again. Ever.

Penultimately, I just want my life to be a better one, better than what it is now. Better than what I had hoped for when I was together with you. Now that I've set my heart on someone else, you are just a thing in the past. Someone whom I want to give her my all. Someone, who makes me smile when I see her smile.

Ever wondered what it means to be able to do something that you wanted to do your whole life? Somehow, I just think that this is it. This is something that I wanna do for her. I want to give my all.

Having said that, alot of things are still tying me down to earth. This earth which I look down on, which I despise. How do I say this? I mean, all the people around, are just...hai. Don't wanna say it. But yeah, is this world really worth saving? Or should it just be doomed.

Hmmm, actually, the point of this post, I seriously don't see it anymore. Suddenly lost interest in writing, but i'll continue soon. I hope, when more thoughts flow into my mind.

Up and down again. I shall continue from where I left off. The more I think about it, the more i'm pissed. Perhaps, I shouldn't even think about it, but yeah, I doubt it will never get out of my mind? Something that will bug me for life. When you lose something significant, its never the same again, and the scar will stay. Stop telling me to forgive and forget. When you've never been through it, you can say that easily. Forgive, I did. Forget, I tried. Remember, you made me.

Is it wrong to hope for the best? Is it wrong to fall in love with someone? If its not wrong, then why is everything and everyone making it so hard for my life to go on like I want it to be? Avoiding her, just so that people won't start talking about it. Ended up in this kind of friendship? Not something I hoped for. I could only look at her from afar, happy that she's happy. Why does it always have to turn out this way. Why?

Reason. That's what many people call me by. I don't even have a reason to live on. Or do I? I'm just moving on, pressing on. With what purpose? Life's a bitch we have to live with as long as we are alive. Girl, you made me fall in love with you, but still, is it something that I can live without? I'm not sure anymore.

Usually, I would end off with some quote, some song, or just plain random rant. But whatever, this will be the end of this post. And there's actually a hidden code in it. =/

run

Nike run this morning. First nike run I had, but seriously, i didn't really enjoyed it as much as I hoped I would. Mainly becuz of the overwhelming crowd and the "walkers" of the run. Running past first wave ppl who were walking, running into jogging ppl. Bah. But i managed to press on despite my left leg going numb after the 6km mark. Main point is, i pressed on. After the run, was telling huiru i pang seh murong to run on, then she said run alone very lonely. =/ -shrug- just me to run alone? Normally running with other ppl will mess up my pace, so usually ran alone. Its all about the strength in mind that kept me going? One thought, that if I run finish as fast as I could, something good would happen? and well, in a way, it did.

Stand chart coming up next, seriously, thinking twice. What did I sign myself up for? My legs are getting worse with every run, i just dunno why. But press on, I hope I can do it. I hope that someone would be at the finishing line waiting, but I guess, that's too much to ask for, for now. =/

Finding something you love, and going all out for it/her. That's the best life can offer. I'll press on, for I know, you'll never walk alone.

hmmmmmmmm

i dunno why, just felt like writing, at this hour somemore. I dunno, just that I feel that studies have left me out of touch with alot of things around me. Like how I would choose to study over going out with frens. Perhaps its because of my time management? Prioritising studies, followed by keeping myself fit by running and gymming. People I hang out with are those that I study with. Losing touch with all the other friends that used to study together, laugh together, play together. What has school transformed us into? Beings that do not give a damn about those around you, just wanna get the CAP up?

Seriously, I can't wait for the sem break to come. Sort out my thoughts, my emotions, my time. And perhaps, give myself another go at love? I clearly know what's happening right now. Becuz i'm prioritising studies, I'm not even giving time to her. Its not that I do not wish to be together with her, its just that studies are already taking alot away from me this sem, i just can't find the time to talk to her. Its not like what it used to be, where I can adjust my own timing to suit that of other ppl. Perhaps because i'm getting old, and the stuff to do are simply too much. My body just can't seem to catch up to the pace.

My heart, its for you to open up.

=/ what am I saying. argh, whatever. SOmetimes, you just wish, that ur feelings are known the person you like, u dunnit to say anything, and they'll know. But sometimes, its simply not that way.

pissed? hell yeah.

Never been this freaking pissed while doing gym b4. I have seen countless ppl doing gym without their towels. But this one, by far was the worst. That dumb shit of an uncle was sweating like a pig (i'm not giving him any face). After I had finished doing my bench presses, he went over, rested his freaking sweaty body on the machine, boom. Firstly, uncle, check the weights before you do, obviously it was too much for you. Secondly, i bet you've never done this kinda shit b4. You don't raise it up and let down immediately slamming the weights and then raise them up again. Thirdly, bring your own freaking towel to cover the benches before doing. You don't go around spreading your sweat all over the machines and end up expecting ppl to wipe off your filthy sweat with their towels? Hell no. Fuck ya.

Just ranting. And i've realised, i can't seem to find anyone, when i really wanna rant. This sem, it has been about work, work, and just work. =/ When can I find my star, that will light my lonely night sky.

突然感慨万千，可能是因为喝了些酒吧。就是因为太热了，所以那了罐冷啤酒出来喝。在这样的天气，喝着这样的啤酒，总是让我想起那一刻。如果当时我答应了你，可能今天我也不会一个人在这喝闷酒。有两三年了吧。你看起来还过得不错，教了新男友，似乎已经忘记了我们过去的种种回忆。但让我最失望的还是你竟然把这些珍贵的回忆像垃圾似的丢掉。你竟然对别人说我和你没有在一起过。也罢，如果说这是你放下过去的唯一方式，那你只不过是在逃避嘛。

算了。

人因梦想而伟大。只要有梦想，人类要飞上天空也并非那么困难。飞机就是这样被发明的啊。我的梦想，因身边周遭的事物而一天天的在改变，但最基本的还是一样。我想往上爬，往上飞。在世界的最高处看着底下的人。要做到最好，让曾经瞧不起我的人后悔。梦想是很单纯的事。但我因此而变得不把别人看在眼里。

人类真脆弱啊。生命就像气球一样，刺一下就破了。要活下去，也不是事事都能顺着自己的意愿而发生。但也不想由上天来决定自己的命运。走出自己的路。飞出自己的天空。游出自己的一片自由海洋。寻找自己生命中的节拍。

跑步，跳舞，打鼓，吉他。这四样东西都有一个共同点，那就是节拍。一种生命的律动。我都喜欢。但要做到最好，还是得下多一点功夫。不是一天两天就能达到顶峰的。我会加油的。为了自己。

突然好想喝苹果茹荟果汁。=/ 也突然好想你啊。

aloe vera ginko.

(词穷啊!!救命啊!!)

Haha, totally unexpected. I think I did rather well for my critique? 76/100, that's like the highest i've ever gotten for an essay in my whole life. English essay that is! woohoo! haha, and ms lee showed 6 "good" examples of critique paragraphs to the class and 2 were from me! hahaha. totally surprised, but yeah~ having high hopes for this sem. I WANT TO PULL UP CAP LA!! -tells himself to play less hon-

After eg went for dance session with murong, his fren: shan yuan, huiru and this exchange girl from finland. haha, i think i'm damn anti-social, i didn't ask wad her name is. But yeah, wanted to try out murong's dancing session for some time now and finally got to try it today. There are alot of things I liked about it. Firstly, the size of the ppl dancing is just nice, and the studio's in a really secluded corner in sch, so not many ppl can see us practicing. Next, after some rigid gyming and bad cool-down for run last night, the dance proved to be good for stretching my muscles out. Also, I learnt alot of stuff that i've never got in contact with before. Seeing how shan yuan danced, i was like "wow!". If only I could dance as good as him. But yeah, i think my muscles are too stiff for dancing? Its a tough thing to maintain. My 1-3-5-6/7 runs and gyms plus dancing on thursdays. Just hope it doesn't take a toll on my otherwise already badly injured body. My shoulders are in pretty bad shape =p. and so is my left ankle. Once i remove the ankle guard, the ankle just starts to hurt alot. =/

sidenote: i think the long jump winner looks like drogba. its female long jump btw.

Ok la, hopefully I can manage my time well to do the things I like. Hopefully. and yeah, wrote a new song, or rather, half of a new song. Dun feel like continuing though. My blog title kinda explains it.

This song is called "你太完美". I also dunno why the first part of the chorus came to my mind, just a random thought, then i started linking up every thought coming to my mind and came up with the chorus. THEN! i started thinking about the verses, and i started off with that first part on how I feel whenever she walks pass, or when i walk pass her. BAH. but yeah, 不完美的单恋. ANDDDD~ wad happened next was completely out of my estimation. I freaking can't think of anything to write on for the verse. Totally stuck. and of cuz, there's supposed to be a pre-chorus. Guess this always happens whenever i had the chorus plus tune in mind first. Verses are the hardest to think of!!!

看 看你走过我的面前
心里好似在荡秋千
好像在诉说我俩之间
那不完美的单恋

(词穷啊!!救命啊!!)

你太完美 你的爱还能够给谁
我陪你飞 飞到你那完美世界
我追了又追
终于进入你那温暖心扉

看你流泪 我不想看到你心碎
我愿意陪 陪你聊天熬一整夜
你的笑脸
就像陈年美酒把我灌醉

MM Lee

I respect him. For loving his wife so much. I envy him, for having someone whom he can give her his everything. And yeah, the kind of love, makes me jealous, makes me sad. Love from family, love from someone close, I'm beginning to lose that? Seems like i'm losing touch from all these.

I'm beginning to lose belief in this world. I always thought it was something that's worth the effort to make it into a better place. But seeing how ppl go around hurting each other, its not worth it anymore. Especially after how I feel so hurt after so many things have happened.

I think, its not worth my time to think so much for others already. I shld start thinking more for myself. Why bother about making other ppl happy, when ppl dun even care about what you do for them. =/

Seeing MM Lee's eulogy, kinda reminded me of grandma. =/ Whenever I remember her, i'll remember all the sad things, how when I went back to see her, she can't really remember who I was, meaning, the last time she "saw" me was 2 years b4 she passed away. It makes me want to spend more time with my family. But, sometimes, you just wonder, are u really that important to your family? There are alot of things that they don't do for me. And I made it something that I got used to, when really, perhaps, I shldn't have gotten used to these? Cuz I never placed myself in the first place when handling relationships with my family/friends, alot of things I just went along with the flow. But really, i'm just compromising my own happiness.

22 years, if I never asked for it last year, it probably wldn't have happened at all. But still, there are things i'm thankful for. But there are things just make me less happy.

Its perfect 10 day today, but its probably not gonna be perfect for me. I don't see my life with a perfect day in it. Somehow, there'll always be things that spoil my day. When I was together with ex, well, there were happy times spent together, but surely, there're things that spoil my mood, not a single day do I remember of perfection. Not a single day. Perfection is too much to ask for, perhaps, but just please, give me one day of non-sadness?

Happy Birthday

To myself.

Alot of ppl wished me happy birthday yesterday, thank you very much. With the most significant one (well, at least I know the most important ones will never come) coming at 18.38. Thanks (: really means alot when its coming from you. But you'll never know eh?

All I need is just one hour.

And why is it the most important ones that will never come? 22 years of my life, well, I only really can remember starting from my 5th birthday, but yeah. make that 17 years of not hearing "happy birthday" from this important group of people in my life. Ok, perhaps minus that one year, that is the 21st, but yeah. 16 years. I don't need 100 people wishing me happy birthday, i just need 4 ppl saying it to me. Its more than obvious who I'm talking about, but I dun wanna say it out. Its just that different when it comes from them, that's why last year's one was so much better. I thought, at least, i'll get wad I crave for every year, but well, I waited and waited, and my birthday has passed. 22 years of making me feel lonely on this day, thank you.

Perhaps its how it is not really celebrated in the house, but, really, a difference it would make. How much it means to me. When I really treasure them, but how much do I mean to them?

Carried a smile for 22 years, 20 years of not smiling truthfully. Where is my heart?

All I want, is for someone to understand. So don't "haha" me, when u're this significant to me. =/

This is what I think about you

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Totally, disappointing

Can I cry tonight?

Totally not my day. =/ sprained ankle, a liverpool lost (at anfield). Haiz, never felt so down for some time. Here's hoping that october would be a good month, but it has started off badly. 2 tests that, well, perhaps i didn't put in enough effort to study, they didn't go that well as I thought it would be for me. Doctor's advice to lay off running for at least another 2 weeks if I really wanna recover. I ignored him the next day and what happened? sprained my ankle. Well, at least he didn't know about my sprained ankle. Totally didn't tell him, haha. My bad? I don't give a shit. I don't need ppl telling me what to do, especially ppl that are not important to me. I don't need a calender to decide what I wanna do in my life, so stop referring to the calender and telling me that its not a good day to do this and that. Life is not about a freaking calender.

Here's hoping that something big in my life will happen to make me a happier person, but I don't know, perhaps, happiness just likes to shun me. =/

Life sucks. Life is so..boring and sad...

Right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe

Spent the whole day chilling around at home. play games, sing songs, rap eminem, write lyrics, tried drawing. EMINEM ROCKS! his songs are actually pretty inspiring if u read into the lyrics. Read past the "fuck"(s) and you'll realise, his songs all have a deeper meaning to them. Something to tell, and that's what I hope my songs will be when I write them. But end up, today, I cldn't come up with a decent verse. 原来词穷是这么一回事.

Draws near, everything is drawing near. Deadlines, tests, labs, BLAH. when i just feel like slacking away. 2 more months and i wld probably be lazing around at home, but I want it to happen now. I just want to chill and chill. =/ I guess, all i need is a life. =/

River Valley

Ay, dunno why, suddenly missing rv days!

For the many memories that it has left me. All those nights of mugging, chatting online with ppl that I enjoy being around with, going out with her. Blah, can't believe i'm actually missing her, her company that is.

RV, the campus, the sch life. Everything that I thought was fun, enriching. It was quite an experience, 4 years that I'll never forget, for its ups and downs. For the countless CO practices I had. For the countless times I practiced myself in the CO room just to perfect my drum rolls, my drum solos, my drum pieces. For the countless misses and shots that went in while playing on the courts. For the many jokes that were cracked in those 4 years. For the many times I walked past her classroom just to have a glance at each other. =/ For so many things I've missed.

Kinda made me realise how we used to dread those days in sch, yet now, i only wish that I could relive those days, even just moments of it. SO yeah, I guess, we should treasure the moments we have in our lives while they last. I don't dread sch, in fact, I'm beginning to enjoy it. Those little moments that make your life brighten up. School, its not such a bad place afterall.

For now, I probably just wanna concentrate on my studies, that's why, I'm choosing not to do anything for her. Maybe I should be doing something, but priorities are important in my life. I'm confident of balancing it when it comes to being together, but for now, the problem of balancing studies and doing something for you, I'm just scared that I'll break down b4 I can actually show you how much I care for you. For now, lets just wait and see. I'll show you one day, how much you mean to me.

good->bad mood

I was really in a good mood the whole day, well, of cuz apart from the slight disappointment in the morning that ended up with only 3 ppl playing bball. The whole day went very well! Indeed, it was better than I expected. (:

Anyway, sorry to huiru for making u sit in front! And i really hope the car ride didn't take longer than it would if you had taken a train instead la. So sorry!

But ya, main point is, everything was fine until I reached gwen's place. =/ SPRAINED MY LEFT ANKLE AGAIN!!! )): 2 times in 2 days!? And this time its like real bad, its very much swollen now. I think i'll wake up to a super swollen ankle. Couldn't even walk properly. =/ AND cannot run tml liao!!! i damn saddd! ): tot tml night after running then can join jiewei they all for supper, but seems like its not gonna be wad i wanted it to be.

Haiz, totally ruined my mood. ): but the mooncakes were nice! and the company was great! thanks gwen for inviting us over!!!

I think its better that i get some slp, my legs need it. =/

shrugh shrug shrug

can't stand webcastings anymore. Hari K is really damn fail. he spend so many lectures just to explain gaussian distribution when ms chan only needed a few mins to explain what normal distribution was back during sa times. Ah, somehow, i miss SA days. flinging the tie to the back, slacking in sch, playing bball, playing mahjong in co room, the dai dee sessions i had with mok everytime b4 co, the time b4 sajc at potong pasir was opened, when me mok and mong went there to stayover in an empty sch. EXCITING! Not to say that life in uni is boring, but it seems to lack the flair and fun I used to have back in JC. Everyone putting sch work as a priority, no one willing to go out when u ask them to. =/ I really dunno. Is this what uni is about? study study and study? No one is willing to take time out to relax and have fun? -shrug-

And stop asking me to do something that you know its not in my nature to do so. I don't like to take photos, if ppl dun ask me to take with them, i'll never ask them to take with me. That's me. Simple.

-shrug-

sometimes, i just need to be more confident, be it in my songs, or in the way i carry myself.
Perhaps, all i need to do, is to say it out loud.
Perhaps, all i need to do, is to tell you how much you mean to me.

All these perhaps, so what am i waiting for? the right moment? when will it ever come? A moment will never come if I dun even try, so why would a right moment come when there will never be a moment. Ay, what am I saying? I'm just confusing myself and everyone around me.

AND I WANT TO WRITE MORE SONGS!!! alot of lyrics coming in, but no tunes, which is really bad. and worse still, songs without titles. =/ what is this? overflowing of creativity? Or lack of it?

I'll sing you a song, not a love song
but one to describe you
Your beauty
how you stand out from the crowd

And i wanna reserve this last section for a love that has stayed with me for so many years. Not for someone, but for the club I love so much. I love liverpool. Not for the trophies they have won, not because of the pride that we have as the most successful english club the world has ever seen. But because of how the fans still stand behind the club despite us not winning the epl for the past 20 years. A club, is not about how many trophies you win, its about how the club carries itself. How it feels like a family whenever I see players like Gerrard, Carra, Dalgish turning up at hillsborough memorial. All the stories I've read about hillsborough, this is more than a club, its a family. Like Gerrard said before, "this is more than a club crest, its a family crest". Liverbird upon my chest, hillsborough flames by the side, You'll Never Walk Alone. How many times have I relied on YNWA to pull me thru my down times, how many times have I looked at Liverpool players score and cried tears of joy. This is certainly more than a club, and Liverpool is what I'm proud of. I'm proud of being a Liverpool fan.

okay

So i noticed i posted the last post on my private one accidentally, but it doesn't really matter anyways. Not many ppl are reading this blog anyway. hahaha

And heck, i'm suddenly in songwriting mode, -shrugs- dunno why. Just the lyrics coming in like a tsunami, though the tune's not there yet. But i'll just make do with the lyrics.

Oh why, your precious face I won't make you cry
why won't you sing me a lullaby
I know why, everytime I see you I go shy

I don't lie, cuz my feelings ain't gonna lie
I don't know what it means to you
But to me, you mean everything in the world to me

So tell me what you think
So baby hold my hands
I'll sing you this song of mine
that says my love for you ain't nigh

I, i'll be the one
to make you smile
I'll be the one to
hold you tight
to tell you everything's gonna be alright
cuz i will be here for you tonight

i'll just tell you
this one last time
cuz this is what will
hold for life
To tell you that I love you
and this will never die
for this is true

Ok, that's all for this song! haha. and while writing the lyrics out, i managed to get a tune in as well!! woohoo~ so proud of myself. hahaha. But i can't think of a title for it yet. hmmm, just wondering, this song sounds better than the one that i had written previously for her. hmmm. i wonder whether i shld use this song instead. bah!

On a side note, tonight's run made me feel more confident of breaking the 5km barrier sooner. Maybe cuz it was just 3km today but i didn't really feel any pain. So perhaps, i shld just heck care wad the doctor says and go for it? haha. o well, -shrug shrug- And sat's run was bad, real bad! i literally hantataki for one minute on the spot at this petrol kiosk entrance cuz there were so many cars going in!! Worse still, there was this family blocking my way after the petrol kiosk. arghhh, totally bad for my knees cuz i was doing too much jogging on the spot. Hope my shin gets better soon!!! i really wanna run mizuno one! but, hai, 10/10/10 leh! such a nice date to have a run. ): maybe, perhaps, i shld just go for it.

life sucks

I feel like a footballer who got very badly injured. Just when I found my passion for running back, the injury came. Life sucks, when the doctor says you can at most run 5km for the next one month, anything more than that, my leg will only get worse.

But 5km training for one month, means by end of october, my max would only be 16km at most. And by dec, i have to be running a full marathon. 16 to 32 in one month? have to try the style that I read about liao. train till 32km, cuz in an actual marathon, only the first 32km requires training, the remaining 10km is all down to will power. Will power, hmmm, i must find some motivation. =/

Still, the first hurdle would be nike human race. 1 week to get to 10km from 5km once i can start running again. Hai, or perhaps i should just find someone to run in my place.

recess week starts, and i'm slacking for the first 3 days, everything going according to plan when i slack. haha. Had a rather okay gym session just now. This ang moh kid, doing bicep curls with his water bottle when he saw me doing it with dumb bells, and he gave me that "so what, I can do it too" look. Really wanted to tell him, "try doing it with 8kg dumb bells la"

And i'm getting real bored staying at home on saturdays. haizzz

INJURED

argh, something is terribly wrong with my leg. When i started running today, i thought something was going to go wrong already. The shoes didn't feel right, unlike monday when it was in perfect condition. Landing felt wrong. And when the step came, i was totally unprepared. landed very heavily on my left leg. =/ pulsating pain, felt just like the hairline crack injury I had before. Doesn't feel good. Still aching now, but, hopefully its nothing. ):

Hopefully, doc analysis says its nothing and i can go for mizuno run. =/

And yeah, I'm damn tired nowadays, dunno why. And I haven't been doing alot of sch work, more of toning up my body for the runs coming up. Maybe this injury can give me more time to concentrate on my sch work, work on the surprise i wanna give, wokr on my core muscles. Hmmm, recess week, hopefully its enough for all these. Hopefully.

was not

This wasn't a break I really needed.

Literally spent the whole day doing nothing. Slept till 11am, played thru the afternoon, slept till evening, dinner, watched tv and manga-ed until now.

What a waste.

And this void of knowledge flowing in and lack of stress once again allowed emo-ness to flow in.

I'm getting more and more confused, by wad I know, and what I shouldn't know.

Everything, everyone, is just leaving me in shambles.

Pieces, that I do not which to be broken down into.

I feel weak.
Maybe becuz I didn't study today.
Maybe becuz I haven't been gyming since monday.
Maybe becuz I have only ran 9km for the entire week despite wanting to clock at least 20.

No, I'm just weak, not becuz of all that above, but becuz of who I am.
My experiences made me weak.
Vulnerable to emotions, too vulnerable for my liking.

But seriously, what's there to feel emotional about?
I really do not know.
Is it becuz of the fact that I feel lost?
Is it becuz of how much I want to talk with you, yet I'm afraid whatever I ask would make you angry?

It is becuz I care too much about how you would feel, that I fail to satisfy my own wants and needs.
I do not think for myself when it comes to you.
I feel like I'm a complete opposite of you.

You only think about yourself.
You don't care about what others are doing nor how they look at you.
You don't care about my feelings.

I only think about you.
I care about what others are doing and how they look at me.
I care about your feelings.

We are 2 different people.
Very different people.
But all I want is to understand you better.
I have questions I want to ask.
I need you to talk.
I want communication between us.
I want to know you better.
I want to love you with all I have.

I like you alot, so much so that if I don't drown myself in studies, all I can think about is you.

Your name, its short and sweet, just like who you are, and how you speak.

stare

i stared hard.

At the sky.

At the com.

At my notes.

At my phone.

and I came to a conclusion.

Why did I even bother? This world full of lies. Why did I even bother trying to open my heart towards it. Why did I even dream about making this world a better place. Its not worth my effort, its not worth my time. I'll just let this world die, for we'll all die one day, and what's the point of saving a dying world, void of honesty, void of truth, full of lies, full of deception.

My mistake? fuck, it sure is.

and before i carry on, i dun give a fuck anymore. let the profanities enter my blog, it ain't gonna make a diff.

continuing, yeah. I made mistakes. Mistake of trusting people. Mistake of putting this one thing that I have left for myself into the hands of others. Opening my heart, trusting these so-called "friends", only to realise, nah, these people are just living for themselves. They only call you "friends", "buddies", "brothers", "sisters" when they need your help. When they're done with you, they shove you aside, and carry on with their lives, not responding to your calls when you're looking for help. Not giving a damn when you need someone there. No fucking body cares. Not like I give a fuck anymore. If everyone just wants to live for themselves, so be it. I'll be selfish once more. I won't care. I won't help. I won't trust. I won't believe. Every man for himself. I'll do everything for myself now.

Cuz you're not worth.

This world full of lies, its not worth me staying up all night.

痛

原来寂寞会让伤痛倍增。

让自己的心封闭起来，其实是保护自己的最好方法。
我曾经无数次地封闭了自己的心，却因为让自己对真爱所抱有的幻想蒙蔽，一次又一次的打开这不堪一击的心门。
付出了真心，换来的只是一次又一次的伤痛。
把自己的心摊开来让我喜欢的人践踏。
受了伤，才知道自己一开始就不应该对爱情有所期待。
别人在爱情里所受的伤害或许只有一两次，他们要去爱，敢去爱，这些都与我无关，但，我就是无法让自己不被这无数次的伤痛影响到我对爱情的憧憬。

我想爱你。
我想对你坦白。
我想让你看到真实的我。
但你却什么话也不说。
感觉上就好像是在敷衍我罢了。
你每一次感到悲伤或想找人家解闷时，我总是让自己站在最前线。
当你需要我的时候，我总是第一时间赶到。
当你说你很闷时，我就放下我在做的事情，陪你聊天，帮你解闷。

但你呢?

当我觉得悲伤不已，想要对你说时，你却只懂得对我说些客套话，好似一点也不关心我心里的感受。
就好像我是在浪费你的时间。
我不明白，为什么我愿意为你做这么多，但当我最需要你的时候，你却说一句话就走。

朋友也是一样嘛。
当你在哭，当你对我哭诉你的不满，我愿意在旁听你诉苦。
但当我已哭了好多天，你却象是人间蒸发似的，不见踪影。

爱情嘛，百分之九十九是假的，那一份真的嘛，就是痛。
只有痛是最真实不虚假的。
真爱，真的有那么真实吗?
那，为什么你就不愿意相信我的真心呢?

pain, is extrapolated by loneliness.

Goodnight world, you're not worth me staying up for.

Addiction

Addicted!

Spent the whole of sat and almost the whole of sunday watching drama!!! ahahaha. I like these kind of shows ba. The way I can laugh and emo at the same time.

I guess its just me ba. I always feel like crying whenever the main character is giving his all to get the love of the girl he likes. Something that i've always wanted to do, but seems that i might never get a chance to do it.

我只不过是想谈一段单纯的爱情，但为什么老天却要把它弄得如此复杂?

all i ever asked for is a chance to prove my love. Will u gimme that?

你想真心爱一个人，却没有办法向她证明。

So tell me how, how do i prove to you? People ask me why? I couldn't really tell.

喜欢一个人有时候连自己都不知道为什么。

Its like giving you all, only to realise, it didn't mean anything to her at all.

我不懂，为什么真心换来的是谎言，付出换来的是伤害。

Perhaps, i've been hurt too much, to want to fall in love again, thus the hesitant nature whenever it comes to love. No matter how much I've told myself that she really matters to me, and that I really really do like her alot. When it comes to the deciding moment, i usually fall short. Its not because i'm not sure of my feelings, its just something, a wall, preventing me from going forward. It might be your wall, but it might be my own wall as well, I do not know. So tell me, should i move forward?

我不需要全世界的人在乎我，我只需要我喜欢的人在乎我就够了。

i really dun need anyone to care about me. I don't care who reads this post, the only thing i know is, you're probably not reading this. Its funny, how I have so much to say, so much to emo about after what happened today, all the quarrels and stuff. But, the only person i want to talk to about it is you. But all you could do, is to not talk to me at all. Or rather, I tried talking, but I was asked to do other stuff. =/

All I really need, is you.

Shall end off with a song I really like, cuz it really depicts my feelings now.

我喜欢你的眼
看着我的眼
我喜欢你的脸
贴着我的脸

世界在改变
我不会改变

因为我很爱你
不想要你放弃
爱情这种默契得来不易
我爱你
真的是很爱你
所以想把整个世界都给你

Small little things

Sometimes, in life, its those small little things that make you realise what is most important to you. Its those small little moments that make me realise why I fell in love with her in the first place. Its just how different you feel from other ppl, its just the feel-good factor when i'm around you, when i'm talking to you. How much I treasure every word you say to me, cuz I never know when the next time you would talk as much to me again.

As if I should have ever doubted my feelings. Now, everything seems clear. There's only you in my heart now. It might take some time, but I really hope that I can have a place in your heart too. I sincerely do.

Maybe its all the lovey dovey dramas i've been watching lately, that makes me wanna fall in love again. But, there's just something about you, that makes me wanna be with you. There's something, that tells me I might regret it if I dun do anything for you. There's this thing about you, that makes me want to try to make you happy with all I have.

Coupled with the fact that somehow, I will just suddenly have this feeling that you're feeling down or unwell. Been having it 3 times le, just a sudden sense, that something's wrong. =/ Though the first one on july 29th i'm not really sure about it, but the other 2 times that I dared to ask about, well, they really were. What is this? Destiny? Fate? Unknown connection? I have no idea. What I know is, you must really mean something for me to make me feel so much for you.

Its scary, but somehow, i just feel happy whenever i'm correct about all these. When it comes to you, everything just feels different.

I like you, _____.

(:

wad the..

EH! wad's wrong!? why did i wake up thinking that someone is not feeling well. =/

maybe its i xiang tai duo again, but..its just the feeling that someone is not feeling well? ahhhh.

HELP HELP!

Talk

Yay! i was feeling so bored after trying to catch insects on the wall that I wrote this song. Call this boredom all my true feelings, I do not know. I wanna sing this song to her, cuz the front part really describes how I feel right now while the chorus is all that I wanna say to her.

Was feeling very very down after gym session today. Realised how bad my running has deteriorated(is that how u spell it? bah). Used to be able to run 7km non-stop, AT LEAST. but just one month of not doing more than 5km and after one week of non-exercise due to stuff and flu and stuff and flu and.. ah, u get wad i mean. Now I'm having problem trying to keep to the 11km/h pace for 2km. wth. Could be becuz of the blocked nose and the coughing. BUT! 2kM only leh! walau. Other than that, gym was fine la.

But mostly was emo-ing cuz of her. Sometimes, I'll just think that, maybe its not worth the time and effort to talk to her. But, after what I've seen, what I've read, and what I think the real her is, I always end up telling myself, its just her to be like that. Its what makes her her. In a way, I kinda feel for her, cuz I used to be like that, or rather, i might still be like that. Refusing to open up to new ppl and stuff. I guess, all it needs is time. But how much time do we have? I'm really feeling sian by the fact that there's no one to talk to when I feel so down. There might be ppl who want to talk, but there's only a select few that I wanna talk to. Well, she's one of them, but I don't even know how to start talking.

Maybe, I should just close myself up, and stop talking to anyone but her. To let her know, how special she is to me.

But anyway, here's the song, with the title ___ ___ __. Try catching the rhymes, and maybe u'll guess the title. To be revealed, in less than 50 days. (hopefully)

#18 ___ ___ __

Just like I thought we would be
In your heart there never was a part of me
I thought you'll finally see
Every part of me that wants to be with ya

Baby, talk to me
Ask of me
What I would do for you to make you mine

Baby, answer me
why won't ya
Open your eyes and see that I care

Chorus:
Oh, 1, 2, 3
I looked into your eyes
and I said
I, love, thee
you are everything
that makes me
want to live
Hold my hands right now
cuz it is
all you need
And all you need is me

Oh, love's like flu
catches you when you
least expect
I love you
and that's all I e-
ver wanna
say to you
Please stay with me
Cuz I am here for you
Oh, ___ ___ __.

Been Long

Its been long since i last got addicted to a taiwan drama. And now, i find myself sitting infront of com, watching one ep per day, with the want to watch another on the same day. But then again, its all about self control. Limiting wad I want and focusing on the needs.

I feel a similarity, as in why I am limiting what I want, who i want. I'm not making a move, not because I do not want. In a way, perhaps its not what I need. Yes, I do find a need to be in love again. Yet, I don't find it a need for it to be me. In a way, what happiness can I give you? I find myself asking this time and again.

Argh, what am I saying. At the end of the day, i'm still in love with you. Will you just look at me one time, and realise what you mean to me, how much you mean to me. To me, you're more than who you think you really are.

HMMMMM. oh man, studies, feeling a sudden lag in my speed. Perhaps i need some mugging time tml. 2 hours lecture, but hopefully the rest of the day i would be plugged in to my mp3 and mugging full speed.

Its my choice, i chose studies. I'm sorry.

its not about

what I want.
what will make me happy.
whether I will be together with you.
what we will end up as.
how this friendship will turn out.

Its about

what you want.
what will make you happy.
whether you'll be happy together with me.
where our fates will intertwine.
whether we can be more than friends.

Sometimes, i just wonder, why we dun talk. Why we end up keeping quiet when we're alone. I really wonder. What should I say to you, cuz we usually talked so so much alr, don't we? So much, that it seems that we know each other too well, or rather i know you to well. Sometimes, i see your tired face, and i end up thinking, since u're looking so tired, i shouldn't talk to you and let you rest and relax. Maybe its cuz I care too much, and i think too much for you, that's why i'm confused of what's best for us. What's best for me to do. What you want.

I care, i really do.

Its those little things..

that make you who you are.
that are able to make you smile, regardless of how insignificant it might be to her to tell you that, it just makes a difference in your heart. One smiley, its all it takes.
that make the difference in our lives, one small step wrong, and we might be headed in another direction.
that make me love who you are.
that define who you are.
that makes me want to hold you tight, and say, "everything's gonna be ok, don't worry, cuz i'm here for you, 24/7, 365 days a year, 60 years a lifetime, for many many lifetimes to come, forever and ever."
that makes me think and hope, that you'll be the one.
that makes me wanna say, I love you, _____.

In a way, my mind has always been made up. Its not something that can change easily. No matter how much you might be misunderstanding things or thinking that pehraps my feelings for you aren't real, I can only tell you one thing, since the day i fell in love with you, it has always been the same, nothing changed. You are still who you are, and my feelings are still the same for you.

-------i know there's a typo error, but its on purpose ;)--------------------

Tears are flowing

I feel weak, the strength i've accumulated, it crumbled under pressure. Feeling vulnerable right now. Haven't felt so weak like this in a month. I'm weak.

Tell me how

to talk to someone whom I wanna talk so much with, yet, everything she says just makes you feel like throwing your phone away. Why? Cuz u spend so much effort in trying to talk, yet, the replies, straight to the point, like refusing to start a conversation. Am I disillusioned? Somewhat? I really really have alot to say, but when things are like that, what do you expect me to do? To push for it? I thought things had gotten better, but it seems like its getting worse. Somehow, the distance, its pulling itself apart.

Hai, and yeps. Emo bug strikes again! Really, really, no mood to go out to have supper now. I just wanna push myself into a corner of the room and stone, stone, stone, and stone.

I really dunno wad to say anymore. I'm at a loss of words, loss of tears. In a way, I've forgotten how to cry, which is a good thing. The tears have not been flowing for a long long long long time. Last time I teared was way before oweek dry run. I'm sad, I'm sian, I'm tired, maybe the tears have dried up. But is it something worth crying for? Probably, but the tears just won't flow.

Hai.

I'm almost completing that drawing, but it might not be of any use at all. Adding that anagram i thought of will not make any difference.

You're drifting away.

Hai, tml going to k. Probably gonna sing emo songs all the way. ):

I'm sad, but it doesn't matter to you, does it?

And ya, i couldn't get into the ocip, but no one cares, who cares? Only i give a damn about it.

aar craze

Been listening to aar songs the whole night. Super great lyrics. The lyrcis somehow just make you feel what story the lyricist was trying to tell. It has the ability to bring out the emo-ness in us and make us feel the same way. Love it.

They're like the US version of Mayday. Everything feels good, everything feels right.

Love AAR & Mayday!!! (((:

but on the other hand, i'm quite sian today. Nvm, tml driving to sch! Maybe go for a late night spin tml? hahaha

monotony

This is my 2nd post since the start of sch term that the title starts with monotony again.

Mind you, not monopoly, but monotony. Everyday just feels like a repeat of the day before, no motivation, the only thing pulling me on is to get past this boring term and hopefully there'll come a day where i'll actually enjoy myself.

Boredom escalates. Woke up, decided to do some studying, flipped thru my tutorials, wtf, all done. Flipped thru my notes, ee2006, bloody boring eg1108 repeat, ee2012, bloody boring jc stats repeat, ee2009, bloody hell, if the prof doesn't teach, i wouldn't even understand, ee2010, laplace repeat. Hai, then i flip to ctw (shall not call it english anymore, later someone scold), BLOODY HELL, so WORDY, i dun even feel like touching it.

SO yeah, i'm left with nothing to do. Bored of the games also. Seriously, just the want, or rather the need for something big to happen in my life. 我不要求自己过得幸福，我只想要我的生命有多一些色彩，我只想要活得精彩。智慧如果是一种必须，那么我也只能埋头苦读。

Its that yearning for something, not something that i know of. Something that will make my life just that tiny weeny bit different. Make a difference.

Feeling the need for a late night walk tonight again. Feeling a need for the stars. Feeling a need for the breather. This monotony, its taking a serious toll on my life.

Aloe Vera.

Loves me.

BORING!

Seeing red

Ah, just saw a very nice pair of red soccer boots. Hmmm, if i'm ever gonna get a pair of soccer boots, i would want it be red, with gerrard engraved on it. (:

Ay, today, not a really good day. Woke up bored, was seriously contemplating not going for the interview, but that would be too serious a pangseh. And I actually dreamt about not going for the interview before i woke up. I dreamt i sent an sms to siping telling her i having flu so cannot go. LOL. and i woke up, having stomach flu. =.=

ah, so b4 anyone else complains about my blog being a bed of emo-ism, i'm thinking of something happy to post about. HMMM.

BAH! i can't even think about a thing.

Well, well, just check out lolcats.com if you need a laugh, that's all i can say.

"with their big fake smile and stupid lies"

looking upon every smile, doubting people's underlying intentions. No smile is 100% true, nor is it 100% evil. But, seriously, sometimes, i dun even know what to believe anymore. People like to ask me why i don't like to smile. Its not because i'm not happy, but i dun see the point of giving a smile when i'm not 100% happy. I dun wanna fake it, i dun wanna give ppl the false impression that i'm okay when in truth i'm not.

Its not that i don't enjoy life, there are alot of things i like about my life now. Its just those little stuff in our lives that make us think, it ain't that good at all. Random things for us to emo about, random moments of sian-ness. If u ask for a purpose, i can say, the only purpose of me living on, is to not disappoint anyone. But all I keep doing is just disappointing myself. Its not about regrets, its about how my life has become such monotony. studies and gym and sleep, there's no colour in it. And when i want to join a cca, i can only think about joining things like akido and taekwondo. Martial arts, in a way, they will not make my life any bit more colourful.

That day, jiaming was asking mujung, do you have any worries about life, like worrying about money, studies, relationships. In a way, i asked myself too, are there any worries in my life?

Money? Definitely yes, having 5k taken away from you is definitely not something to be happy about. And I find myself digging everywhere just to get money out to buy the things i want. saving on meals just to save money. Everything i'm doing for is for the money, be it gym, uncle toby's. gyming to me is to curb my want to play games on my ps3, the many games that i want to buy. Uncle toby, its just because its cheap, and its only 50cents per meal.

Studies? Defo yes for me too. Worried that i might not be able to go on exchange to a place i want cuz of my poor cap. Tired of being compared to my sis. Tired of every single emphasis on good grades where quality of life is heavily depended on grades. But actually, i also want good grades for myself too. I'm angry with myself, for forever letting my emotions take over at the most important timings. When studying really matters, i always end up emo-ing about stuff that well, are sometimes inevitable. Be it in sem 1, or sem 2. Or even to a distant past, during o's and a's.

Relationship? Yes/no for me. 4 years of being single, in a way, i'm already pretty much used to it. The void in my heart, somehow i've alr gotten used to this hole there. Yes, i do envy ppl being together, holding hands, doing what couples do. There are times i think how good it would be if i can be together with the one i like. But sometimes, no matter how much you want something, it just won't come to you. And i'm feeling that right now. Becuz i want it that much, it just gives me the feeling that it ain't gonna happen. I know where my heart lies, i know how true my heart is, but it doesn't matter, if she can't feel it.

This roller coaster. I'm still on it.

time and again

Everytime something crops up, i always put myself at the front line to shoulder the blame. The first person I ever get pissed off with, is always myself. In a way, am I being too kind, too nice? Its a question i've always asked myself.

But this niceness, it ain't gonna get me fking anywhere in life. Cuz, ppl ain't gonna fking give a damn about what I do for them. They only see the destination, but they don't focus on what you've been doing all these while.

I'm pissed with myself, for always saying "nvm". For all those outings that i've organised that always end up with low attendance. For everything that i've done, but never seems enough. I'm just pissed, with myself. Its probably my fault anyway, always end up doing things at the very last minute and hoping that ppl will turn up.

But is that really the case? Perhaps, i'm the only one in this whole damn world who thinks that a verbal agreement is enough to settle everything. Perhaps i'm the only one who will set time out just because someone casually said he/she wants to go out. I'm probably the only one who thinks this way.

People around me, they dun find it a responsibility to follow what they've said. Even when they've said ok, its always subject to last minute changes. Even when a time and date is mentioned, they dun leave space for you in their schedule, only to tell you in the last minute that they can't make it. And what do i do? "NVM"

NEVER ****ing mind.

I dunno wad's gotten over me, this emo bug or whatever it is. Seriously, i don't feel like going for xlb buffet tonight alr, the whole mood's gone. Today's just not a good day for me i guess, everything i want to do just doesn't seem to go the way i want it to. Came to sch for a fking tutorial, only for the ta to not turn up at all. What's the point of me going thru the rain for all these. Bloody waste of time.

Disappointment.

Sometimes, trust just shouldn't be given out so easily. I'm beginning to doubt the words of ppl around me. Perhaps, I shouldn't have opened up at all. ONly serves to hurt myself time and time again.

Welcome to my Life.

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

elmo

In a way, letting elmo see light was something i never contemplated before. The moment i took it out during oweek, i knew something changed within me. Be it looking forward to future, or letting go of the past. These 2 somewhat came at the same time. In a way, elmo was what symbolised our happiness together, something you gave me, that I didn't want to share. But now, it took a different meaning in my life. Its no longer about our happiness, that was all in the past. Now, its all about sharing this happiness that you gave me, passing it around, letting others know what happiness is. Cheering ppl up using it, a form of bringing ppl closer together.

Thank you.

hmmm, dun feel like slping tonight. Feels that there alot of stuff undone

Meaning

Life is only meaningful when you don't just look forward to weekends...

This came from a fren's quote on fb. Makes so much sense now. Life seems much more meaningful now? Filling up my life with outings and stuff, letting friends flood into my life instead of keeping them out. End up, I'm having more stuff to look forward to, more things to expect, and more ppl expecting things from me. In away, my life has become more meaningful.

Of cuz, the feeling of ____ing someone. Its a good feeling, until that someone says no, it'll be a sweet emotion. It makes life so much more colourful.

Anyway, bought a pair of running shoes today, cuz nb really can't support my schedule anymore. Feeling the sores and aches from wearing nb to run. Managed to cut 50 bucks from the overall price, pretty satisfied. And mom says she'll reimburse for it, cuz its something i need, and not something i want. (: (actually, i need a decent desktop to play sc2 also :p) just kidding! haha. ok la. really want to start earning more money, perhaps not thru gambling. Trying to get jobs, like the one tanli intro-ed me, hopefully can get it. Tuitions would be good too.

Ok, gonna slp soon! 8-12 tml! and something to look forward to. haha. Night world, may tml be a better day.

and one thing i learnt from 1 year in uni. If u're gonna fall aslp in lecture or fb or play games during lecture, you might as well stay at home the whole day rather than spending time to travel to sch just to waste your life away. A reminder to myself to be attentive in class, OR not to go sch at all. (: but i still wanna go sch la! haha

ahhhh

OORAH! the lyrics are coming in!!! but i feel damn sick now!!! damn. argh, siannn. Sleep first ba, hopefully tml still remember. haha. night world

YNWA

Feels good to be singing YNWA again, brings away all the pain that I had in mind, just focused on one thing, my love for Liverpool. (:

Really damn high when they started singing the pre-match chants. "hillsborough song", "steven Gerrard song", "carragher song". All these songs, just brings the mood to another level. Never mind that we drew a game we could have won, the crowd, the atmosphere just made the result easier to handle than doing it alone at home. Really really enjoyed myself. Loved the game, loved the players, loved the crowd.

And thanks to the team for turning up! Sect Comm: Yong Cong, Pioneer 1: Kenneth & Pioneer 2: Ah bang. Team YONG CONG FTW MAN! hahaha.

Other than that, today was a relatively good day for me? Becuz of everything that was going on, be it thru phone or whatever that I did today, everything felt good, everything felt happy. Even though only 8 ppl turned up for the oweek lunch, but still, it was enjoyable, i guess. Hopefully, next time we'll see more ppl turning up for all these.

up and down

when emotions go up and down like a roller coaster ride.

Its not the first time already, in a way, i've gotten used to how my emotions take over me at the least appropriate time. I find myself retreating into a corner, saying "nvm" and "forget it". This world, and its useless promises.

What attributes to the sadness? I seriously have no idea. Perhaps the difference between reality and dreams? How the occasional sweet dream makes you want to escape from reality into that dream world, waking up but wanting to fall aslp so that you can see that ending of the dream. Only to realise, that the ending is in stark contrast to the reality you're living in.

Stark, a word i seldom use.

The many words popping up in my head, the many words that i normally put into the songs i write. Your name, hidden in memory. Working on a new song, called 我爱噢噢. Perhaps a bit inspired by wu yue tian's wang ci. Cuz he went 我噢噢噢, then i thought of maybe putting 我爱噢噢 would be a nice name for a song. Dunno how it will turn out though.

Maybe I should start writing more songs in english, afterall this sem i'm gonna take eg1413. But, I know how badly my english songs have turned out. Lyrics that fail to rhyme, tunes that fail to register themselves in my mind.

I feel a need to tell you, how I feel, what I really want. Yet, I'm holding myself back, in a way, I dun wanna lose this frenship that's slowly building itself up. On the other hand, I'm afraid if this friendship continues to build up, it might come to the point that I would be too afraid to tell you how I feel. This kind of feeling, this kind of love, this kind of liking someone. Sometimes, its the best part of falling in love, but when reality strikes, we're normally left with nothing. Lets just hope that you and I, would be different.

我爱噢噢.

ah

ah, it was friday the 13th. No wonder...

but seriously, i dun believe in all these shit.

YNWA on sun, that's the only thing i'm looking forward to now.

450

450th blog post, not counting those on my private one.

I'm feeling damn sian today. Partially due to my own incompetence. Haven't done anything productive after reaching home. Salt was ok, typical assassin story, would probably be good if it was made into a game? But, hai. Why am I feeling like this? Got this sense that things will turn bad from now on?

Its just the feeling that somehow, somewhat, argh, i dun even know how to begin to describe this feeling.

I just wanna slp and wake up to see that everything is actually ok, but no matter how optimistic i force myself to be, i know, its probably not gonna be alright. Every thing i observe, everything i see with my own eyes, everything i'm feeling from you, just points to the fact that its probably not going to go the way I want it?

The first step was probably wrong already, I tried too hard.

Only to realise in the end that, yes, i've fallen into a shithole i dug for myself once again.

I should get myself out of this asap, before I fall anymore further.

Hai, once again i'm back to where I was.

same spider

saw the same spider crawling pass the same position infront of me in a minute. =.= reminded me of the cat that walked pass twice in the matrix. o.O scary~ haha. nah, back to topic.

Somehow, those late night walks by myself are killing my soul and my heart. Not becuz I don't like to walk, but its becuz of the lack of company on these late nights when I just feel like going out to see stars. Used to have, used to be, they're no longer what I have in my hands. Always reminded of the first time we went star gazing, how it used to remind us of the fireworks we saw together, that first... hai. Ok, why am I emo-ing now! Sucks to the max. If only stars have the same effect as they used to have on me. They used to brighten up my days, but now, they're just painful reminders of my past.

Was talking to huiru b4 i went to see stars last night. That one sentence i used to say alot, just came out again. That sentence i always used to cheer someone up. In a way, i've forgotten how to cheer ppl up, cuz most of the time, i found myself in need of it. But somehow, last night, this sentence came at the right time for me, just when I was about to go into the eternal state of emoism for the rest of the sem. "Stars are like true friends, even if there are times when you don't see them, you know they're always there." This one sentence, it used to mean alot. Not that it doesn't mean anything now, but the significance is not the same as b4.

Of cuz, the other version of that means nothing now at all. "Stars are like my true feelings for you, even if there are times when you cannot see what I am doing for you, you know my feelings will always be there for you." If only I could say it to someone now, if only.

All the "if-only"s. How long more am I going to use these 2 words before it finally becomes yes it is.

School started, new beginning. A different group of friends for lecture, will be spending the rest of the year with them. Need to treasure friendship. A need for an oweek comm outing, before everyone forgets about everyone else.

Needs someone to see stars with me. :(

down

been feeling kinda down lately. After all the oweek stuff have subsided, been talking to a few ppl about how it would be like in a few months, and most of us agreed that it wouldn't be the same. And it would take more than just a few outings to keep everyone together. The down is probably due to my favourite site not showing me what i want to see. Deviantart.com!!! After drawing miria, i've been on a kind of artist block. I couldn't think of anything to draw. I wanted to draw clare but i couldn't come up with an image of how exactly to draw her. Too lazy to flip through the countless pages of claymore just to find a picture of her. I also had a sudden urge to draw Galatea and Teresa, but those 2, I couldn't find good pictures of too.

Recent stuff has led me into thinking that perhaps, sometimes, its better to just let nature take its course. I do not believe that there is no solution to any single problem in this world, its just whether we are willing to put our efforts into trying to solve the problem. Sometimes, there's no point in saying this and that but end up not having done anything to resolve the issues that have been bugging us all the time. Sometimes, its better to say it out to the person who needs to know, wants to know, have to know.

Isn't it better, to hear a "no" than regretting your whole life that you've never told the single sentence you wanted to let someone hear the most. "I love you, grandma" -I couldn't say that, and she's gone- All these regrets, no matter how long you live with it, there still comes a day when you must decide to let it all go. Regrets pins you down to the day the regret set in, it leaves you on the spot, refusal to get out of that mindset, makes you stop growing in character.

In a way, I've learnt to live without regrets, but at the same time, I realised, sometimes, I don't learn from my mistakes at all.

Losing friends, is there any way that I can prevent that from happening? The only way I thought of making myself feel better is to make new friends, and tell myself that instead of trying to get back all those friends that i've lost along the way, isn't it easier to just bring these new friends closer to myself and make sure that I don't make the same mistake of distancing myself from them. But then again, it is human to err. If I do not make any mistakes, then I am not human, but something of superior intelligence. We are humans, we make mistakes, we try to learn from them, but we cannot make sure that we do not commit them again.

How big is my fear of getting into a relationship? It might be creeping back onto me again. The fear of the constant quarrels that might come along with the happy smiles of a girl you like. I'm beginning to think that perhaps, I'm better off single. Perhaps, its just not time yet. Perhaps, instead of maturing, i've become more and more immature compared to whom I was. Perhaps, I'm just thinking too much. When the time comes, we will know, won't we?

I can be sure of who I like, who I want to give my 110%. But when the decision does not lie in my hands, there's just nothing I could do, but to wait, and hope that you see my heart is there for you, that i'll be watching over you.